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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be hurt by MIL having regular lunch with her other two DILs and never inviting me.

751 replies

Sacredhandbag · 22/02/2025 16:39

DH has two brothers and a sister.

I thought MIL and I got on well. Not besties or anything but got along fine together. She's a great grandmother. I've always considered myself lucky to have her.
Recently she's been unwell and as I can be around during the day (I'm on maternity leave) I've popped round her house to help her with some laundry and other bits and when she went back to work I spent the day waiting in her house for her for an important delivery she couldn't miss.

Ive just found out that for the past year, she, her daughter, and the wives of her two other sons meet up for lunch every Tuesday and I have not once been invited.

I'm also regularly ignored on the family whatsapp when I suggest to the SILs that we meet up with our kids.

I'm really hurt and I just don't understand. If they dislike me, why was MIL happy to have me over to help her out when she needed it? The other DILs and her daughter didn't, as far as I know.
If it was just her and her daughter, or her and one of her other DILs, I'd understand but it's the fact that it's a group of them that I've been left out of that's upsetting.

DH has offered to speak to her and ask if I can come along but I've said no for now.

AIBU to be upset?

Edit: we all live locally, in the same small town.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 22/02/2025 17:29

Yes its shit. Can't your husband ask his brother? Not as in ask if you can go along (I'd feel too awkward for that now) but ask why?

Fifthtimelucky · 22/02/2025 17:30

I usually take the cock-up rather than conspiracy view.

Presumably they for into this habit when you weee winding on Tuesday lunchtimes and couldn't attend because you were working. It may not have occurred to them that you would like to attend.

I'd ask if I could be included (or ask my husband to ask).

Fifthtimelucky · 22/02/2025 17:31

Apologies for typos!

outerspacepotato · 22/02/2025 17:31

Sorry, but the exclusion for a year of lunching out together is deliberate by all of them.

MIL sees you as good enough to do stuff she can't do but that's as far as it goes. She sees you as a maid.

It's really mean and I would ask MIL why you're good enough to work for her for free but not good enough to even be invited to a regular lunch. If she feels uncomfortable, tough. She should.

Stop doing anything for her. She doesn't appreciate you, she's using you.

I'm with a poster ^, are you a different race or religion? Also, is your husband the family scapegoat?

Distance yourself and any kids. It might be there's a bigotry or favoritism dynamic going on and your kids and you should not be treated as less than.

Endofyear · 22/02/2025 17:32

I think that's very hurtful. I wouldn't ask her why you're not included, you don't want them to ask you when they have obviously excluded you all this time. What I would do is stop bothering with them and doing anything helpful for MIL. Tell DH he's in charge of present buying etc for his own family and let him get on with it. Spend your time and energy on the people in your life who love you and don't give the in-laws any headspace - they're not worth it 💐

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 22/02/2025 17:33

Yes its shit. Can't your husband ask his brother? Not as in ask if you can go along (I'd feel too awkward for that now) but ask why?

JustMyView13 · 22/02/2025 17:37

This is really crappy behaviour from your in laws. Not one single time did they think it might be nice for you to come, I’d be hurt too.

I think DH should say something, but it will invariably prompt an invite to the next lunch, which frankly I wouldn’t want to go because I’d asked, id want to go because I was wanted. I think that’s the gist of what DH needs to say to MIL.

As for whether you continue with the current relationship you have with MIL, it’s up to you. Technically nothing has changed. I might not be waiting round for parcels anymore, but I probably wouldn’t pull away to the extent the time (which it seems you enjoy) in her company is lost.

BorneoBop · 22/02/2025 17:37

There is no way to resolve this. They dont like you - as per their actions. Asking them why wont make them like you - more likely like you less - so dont hand them any ammunition to gossip about.

This doesnt mean you are an unlikable person just that they are unfair and unpleasant. Is there one of them who is the ring leader? Maybe the MiL or her DD. You say she is wealthy - does she pay for lunch - maybe she is 'buying' their time - maybe the SILs dont feel able to invite you if the MiL foots the bill.

Whats the family dynamic amongst the 4 siblings and where does yours fit in the roles / heirarchy?

You can ponder to try to understand the reasons but its unacceptable. I would see the MiL as the lead in this.

I wouldnt question her but would pivit to focus all my sociual and family efforts elsewhere.

MrsJoanDanvers · 22/02/2025 17:37

I can’t imagine doing that to my DIL. It’s very hurtful IMO. I would get your dh to mention it-that he understands they’ve been having regular get together and he feels it’s a bit shitty not to invite his wife.

vdbfamily · 22/02/2025 17:37

You have said you are on maternity leave which assumes you normally work. I assume none of them do and so this is just something they do which you would not have been available for? I would not ask someone who worked to meet me for lunch regularly. If you want to meet as a group, why not suggest you go out on an evening or weekend? I think it is silly to get offended about stuff like this without asking/ knowing reasons. I would ask if they would be happy for you to join then whilst you actually can( as not correctly at work) If they refuse, then you know there is an issue and hopefully someone will explain what issue is!

Paradoes · 22/02/2025 17:39

Lesson learned here op .. I would say nothing but quietly get about my own life and do very little for them.

sugarspiceandeverythingnice12 · 22/02/2025 17:40

Either it's a get together which has grown whilst you were working and they haven't thought to invite you now that you're not working.

Or one or more of them, don't like you

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 22/02/2025 17:40

@Sacredhandbag I seriously would have nothing more to do with them!! I wouldnt let husband speak or even myself speak to them when they appear to have made their feelings clear! they wont change or even think they have done anything wrong! nasty people and mil is not so nice as she made out to be!!

Diningtableornot · 22/02/2025 17:41

If you get on well with your MIL, you get on well with her, and clearly she's fond of you and trusts you. It would be a shame to risk that going wrong because you're not invited to these Tuesdays, which might have evolved at a time when you were working or otherwise not available during the day, and just continued like that.
You could ask to go along, but are you certain you would enjoy it, or is it more about not being left out?

BigHeadBertha · 22/02/2025 17:41

I would give them a chance to explain. I could see it simply being a habit they got into during the week when they were all at home and their husbands (and you) were at work. Then they could have just not mentioned it to you because they didn't want to make you feel left out.

dapsnotplimsolls · 22/02/2025 17:43

YANBU for being upset. Not much you can do about it, though. Be a bit less willing to help her out and suggest one of the others helps.

Notonthestairs · 22/02/2025 17:44

If you are on maternity leave I'd assume you'd need to bring baby with you to a lunch. Are they going places that wouldnt welcome a very young child?
Are they uninterested in children?

I would be upset and want to know why.

CuteEasterBunny · 22/02/2025 17:44

That’s awful.
I would be asking why and withdraw all support.

pimplebum · 22/02/2025 17:45

Are you sure it’s a regular thing ?
how did you find out

I would ring one and text another ask face to face another so they cant collude
“ have I done something wrong ? You guys all meet up in Tuesday but not me. ?

SparklyEyes1 · 22/02/2025 17:45

My MiL pulls shit like this all the time, not just to me, but to my dc as well. She'll take my two bil's dc for days out but not ours. The kids are around the same age (teens), get on well and enjoy the same things. She also used to regularly take her other dil's out for afternoon tea or to the garden centre.

BettyBardMacDonald · 22/02/2025 17:45

Paradoes · 22/02/2025 17:39

Lesson learned here op .. I would say nothing but quietly get about my own life and do very little for them.

This.

You're fine to be MIL's skivvy but not good enough for the girls day out stuff.

Personally I'd withdraw. Your husband can see his mother separately but no more family visits.

rookiemere · 22/02/2025 17:46

How did you find out OP?

BettyBardMacDonald · 22/02/2025 17:48

vdbfamily · 22/02/2025 17:37

You have said you are on maternity leave which assumes you normally work. I assume none of them do and so this is just something they do which you would not have been available for? I would not ask someone who worked to meet me for lunch regularly. If you want to meet as a group, why not suggest you go out on an evening or weekend? I think it is silly to get offended about stuff like this without asking/ knowing reasons. I would ask if they would be happy for you to join then whilst you actually can( as not correctly at work) If they refuse, then you know there is an issue and hopefully someone will explain what issue is!

I think it's silly to pretend that this isn't a deliberate snub.

The decent thing to do all along is extend the invitation and let OP decide if her schedule permits. Not exclude her preemptively.

thedogatethecattreats · 22/02/2025 17:48

I wouldn't even ask, I wouldn't beg for a spot. They don't want to see you, it's very hurtful but they're not doing anything wrong. You can't force people to like you or include you.

I would just take a MASSIVE step back.

What's the point of asking them? "why don't you like me?" HOw is that going to help?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 22/02/2025 17:48

You really can't ask, OP, and to get your husband to do it would be an equal faux pas. There's no point. They haven't asked you. Any comment or question about it will let them know that it's bothered you. Don't give them the satisfaction.

I agree about making yourself unavailable - and never explain why. Ever.

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