To be hurt by MIL having regular lunch with her other two DILs and never inviting me.

[Sacredhandbag]

DH has two brothers and a sister.

I thought MIL and I got on well. Not besties or anything but got along fine together. She's a great grandmother. I've always considered myself lucky to have her.
Recently she's been unwell and as I can be around during the day (I'm on maternity leave) I've popped round her house to help her with some laundry and other bits and when she went back to work I spent the day waiting in her house for her for an important delivery she couldn't miss.

Ive just found out that for the past year, she, her daughter, and the wives of her two other sons meet up for lunch every Tuesday and I have not once been invited.

I'm also regularly ignored on the family whatsapp when I suggest to the SILs that we meet up with our kids.

I'm really hurt and I just don't understand. If they dislike me, why was MIL happy to have me over to help her out when she needed it? The other DILs and her daughter didn't, as far as I know.
If it was just her and her daughter, or her and one of her other DILs, I'd understand but it's the fact that it's a group of them that I've been left out of that's upsetting.

DH has offered to speak to her and ask if I can come along but I've said no for now.

AIBU to be upset?

Edit: we all live locally, in the same small town.

Are you a different race? I’m mixed race and deep down think it was an issue for FIL.

Were you divorced or do have you have children from a previous relationship, or was MIL especially close to your DH previous GF if he had one, do you do a job she disapproves of, different level of education, is it a religious difference Just thinking of prejudices that have cropped up over the years on MN that people have posted about.

Surely it’s a pattern they’ve established while you are at work?

I'd be hurt by this but there is absolutely nothing you can do about. I am pretty thrawn so I'd probably say something tbh but I wouldn't join them if they asked and I would probably start distancing myself and just let husband see them with the children. I certainly wouldn't be offering myself as a nursemaid or helper.

Obviously if there is a prejudice it’s extremely crap.

Then why not arrange the monthly get togethers at a time when @Sacredhandbag can make it and include everyone instead of establish a tradition that deliberately excludes her.

How did you find out op?

Wow that's horrible and really mean..now u know why they don't want to meet up....
Well now you know wherte you stand... Ok to do chores and bear kids not good enough for lunch...

I would step away personally invest your energy and time in your own friends and family..

Not saying no contact but would certainly reduce..

That must be really hurtful.

In your shoes, I would just ask my MIL about it. 'Tell me honestly, is there a reason I'm not included in the Tuesday lunch dates, Maureen?'

No point in being arsey about it, just ask the question. The response will help you decide what your relationship with the inlaws looks like in future. It might not be how you imagined or hoped, but at least you'll be in control.

This

but it’s mumsnet
so unlikely

I agree with posters who have suggested asking your MIL directly.

I wouldn't start by telling her you find it hurtful, although I understand why it is, I would just ask if there is a reason you've never been invited.

I'm not sure I would want them to invite me after you've had to ask why you haven't been before but I would be less available to be the default PA to MIL when she needs help.

Whilst it’s hurtful, the clues are there. You ask them to meet up, and they ignore you. They obviously don’t want to spend time with you, so it’s less surprising that they are not inviting you to these lunches.

Sometimes it is nothing you’ve done, and I think that’s more hurtful because it feels more personal. Your husband speaking to them won’t help because nobody wants to be the one others are forced to socialise with to an avoid a family rift. I don’t think there is anything you can do, other than definitely no longer being available to do MIL favours (unless she does make time for you individually and does bother with you).

They only want you around when you are useful to them (see doing MiL's laundry and popping in because she wasn't well).

Is your DH the black sheep in his sibling group? The only thing I can think of is that of his siblings, one of them is the 'Golden Child' so their wife can do no wrong, and the other wife gets on well with her so tags along for the lunches.

Sorry that you're excluded.

Do you feel that you get on well enough with the MiL and your fellow Sisters-in-Law that you could mention that you've become aware of their Tuesday Lunches and was there a reason why you haven't received an invitation to join them yet?

If they dislike me, why was MIL happy to have me over to help her out when she needed it?

Because she feels you are good enough to do the thankless donkey work but not invite to the fun stuff.

Signed,
Someone who spent her birthday emptying two garages and loading a skip at MIL house, but was sent home before her preferred people arrived to share a Chinese takeaway and bottle of wine.

I'm seen as good old reliable Don't, nothing more nothing less. I made myself very unavailable as a result.

Does she know you are aware?

I would take a huge step back from her. No more running around for her. You aren’t as close as you thought. One of the other SILS can step up. 💐

This is so shitty of them. I wouldn't be able to be the same with them now.

That’s really unkind of them all.

I would ask DH to speak to MIL to find out why. If you do it, she’ll be nervous on the spot and give you a silly answer like “we thought you’d be too busy with the baby”.

I'd turn up where they are meeting by accident and watch them squirm, but I wouldn't want to be invited because I can't imagine anything worse than a regular meal out with my in laws .

I'd let your DH say something.

This is very unkind. Good enough to provide help and support, but not good enough to socialise with family?

That’s really horrible of them, particularly when you are on maternity leave. They’re treating you like a skivvy while actively excluding you from a nice treat. Definitely ask your MIL directly why you aren’t being included.

I wouldn't be asking DH to ask why you're excluded either OP because it will be some BS excuse and you might end up with a grudgingly extended invite. He should be speaking to his mother to explain how hurt he is that she has continuously excluded his wife and the mother of her GC.

Well you can say it’s because of this or that. She can also say it’s because of this or that. Personalities, ages, ages of children, education, colour, background, none of it matters.

But the fact remains that she has weekly lunches with her only daughter and two of her three daughters in law.

Stick with the facts.

You don’t have to do anything for her. She has four children and four children in law. There’s no need for you to do anything. Just back away from everything and put your energies elsewhere. I’m sure your husband will mention if there’s anything you need to know.

Incidentally, if you feel like you want to help the ill/old/ or volunteer in some capacity there are organisations that will allow you to ‘give’ if that’s something you’d like. But I would not be ‘giving’ to this woman.

I feel you OP. When we lived closer to my DH family they would do this - my MIL and two SILs (one my DH's sister, one his brother's GF). They didn't have a regular arrangement (as far as I'm aware!) but I'd hear about them grabbing coffee together etc literally up the road from where we lived and it always stung.

One time I was so pleased to be invited along. Turns out it was bc my DH had expressly asked I be included, rather than them wanting to off their own bat. I was disappointed.

Now we have moved away and I have much less to do with all of them. I'd advise you do some reflecting on how you would like to be treated moving forwards and how you would like to spend your time and put appropriate boundaries in place. Life is too short and there are so many people I'm sure would love to spend time with you. Hugs it is hard x

That is just so awful for you. How did you find out?

If you or DH look for an explanation, be prepared for all social events to be awkward from then on really, it's not fair of course, but it will not be pleasant.

I think I'd be fuming and would just ignore them all for now. That's what they are doing to you. Let DH see his mother and let him bring the kids over etc.

I would have to ask MIL why though. Someone else might come along with a phrase or question to use that is not explosive, because I don't think I could restrain myself!

I would be deeply hurt. So sorry this has happened to you, it must have hit you like a punch in the gut

Right, so now you can politely decline to help whenever it's needed. You'll be busy. Just like you will be when she is more in need of care and help when she gets older and more frail. The lunch club members can pick that task right up.