Our friends have distanced themselves from us and we've just found out why!

[PinkGiraffe1]

Me and DH have been friends with Ann and Ben (not real names) for over 15 years. We're all late 30s now.

Ben and I worked together and introduced our partners early on as we all got on really well. We've been to each other's weddings, been on holiday, lots of day trips. Probably spoke every few days etc. We've been there for new jobs, kids, etc. Helped move house and been there when we've lost parents/grandparents. You get the gist.

We all come from working class backgrounds and pre covid, we had fairly similar lives (in the sense of jobs, homes, holidays, money, lifestyle etc)

Ann got pregnant mid 20s (not planned) and wanted to be traditional so they got married and about 6 months after their son was born, they bought a house near to where she was raised (about 90 mins from us).

Ann & Ben were the first amongst our friends to have children/mortgage/marriage etc. The rest of us followed suit about 5-10 years later. During that time Ann told me she felt quite lonely and isolated from other friends. Then just before Covid her son was diagnosed with ADHD. They also had fertility issues and about a year ago she gave up trying for a second. She's also had health issues which has affected her mobility. Bar me and my DH, she doesn't have anyone else (except her DH and DS). Her words.

Pre covid me and DH had a very average lifestyle - both worked, had 2 kids, 3-bed semi house, holiday once a year etc

During Covid everything changed. I lost both my parents and my last remaining grandparent. Long story short, I inherited a lot of money.

I also got made redundant from a job I'd had for nearly 15 years. I then went freelance and due to the nature of my work (helping small businesses get online) it just took off and has been incredibly lucrative. My husband's boss got fired and he took over being Head of his Department. So he had a huge pay rise.

Between the inheritance, redundancy and new jobs, we've got a lot more money. Most of it has been spent on a bigger house, and yes, we've enjoyed extra holidays, nights out, nicer clothes etc. We've also had 2 more children (twins). We know we're incredibly lucky and we very much try to be humble and unflashy. We don't post on social media and the rest of our friends/family say we're still the same.

However Ann and Ben have been distant with us. They've turned down our invites, not invited us over. Taken ages to reply on WhatsApp (or not at all). We've both asked each of them if everything is okay or if we've done something to cause upset but they say no, they're just busy.

However last week at a mutual friends party (A&B weren't there), Clare, who was a bit drunk) told us that A & B are avoiding us because of our lifestyles and new found wealth. They said they hate that we apparently have it all and they don't. They feel poor and rubbish compared to us.

I was floored. My DH said he didn't believe it. Said its been a misunderstanding. So he called Ben the next day and gently explained what had been said. We expected denials but he confirmed it. He was rather sheepish and apologetic about it but said he had to stand by Ann.

I feel so upset. I don't know whether to speak to Ann or leave it.

Wwyd? I'm so upset as I thought we were close. She knows how devasted and low I was at losing my parents and grandparent. She also knew how much I loved my job. I feel so sad right now.

It's easy to be delighted for a good friend when something goes right for them. But if everything you've ever wanted and struggled to accept you might never have comes their way in quick succession, it's incredibly difficult, especially if it leads to an imbalance in the friendship. You have news: a new house, two new children, better jobs. They have same old rut they want out of. It's too hard for them right now. That's very sad for you but it's completely understandable.

I have let several friends go over at least a decade who did well and were successful. They were just no more fun to be with anymore and were singing from a different hymn sheet. Nothing wrong with them, or us, just that they kept on going on about how much they had, where they had been, and how marvellous there were. It wasn't jealousy on our part, just a desire to mix with like minded people to us. They actually became boring. Let your friends ago and find some new ones who resonate with you.

I’d maybe read the op fully if I was you, before telling everyone erroneously what to bear in mind 😂

You have dodged a bullet with this woman. She isn’t who you thought she was.

What happens if you reach out and actually manage to repair the friendship - but then something else positive comes your way? Will her jealousy kick in again? Or what if something negative happens to her? If she splits with Ben, for example, will you be punished for having a happy marriage and ghosted again?

I honestly don’t think you’d ever be able to relax again around this woman. You’d be forever walking on eggshells - can’t mention the children doing well, can’t say you’ve been out to dinner or on holiday… that’s not a friendship. If you send her flowers as you suggested, even that would be a loaded gesture. Send her expensive ones and she’d be straight on the phone to Claire bitching about how you’ve blown a week’s food budget on flowers that will die within a week; send her cheap ones and it would be “All the money she’s got, and all she thinks I’m worth are some cheap carnations”. You can’t win with people like that.

Exactly! Why are posters telling OP how lucky she is that all her closest relatives died? Really insensitive.

You just said this

Ann has always been a fabulous, supportive friend. She's genuinely lovely

so accept that she's protecting herself and leave her be. The other friend should have kept her mouth shut.

I'm like a dog with a bone when situations like this happen and I'd fell compelled to have a word with Ann (as she is the driving force in her relationship), and tell her some home truths that you would much rather have your parents/grandparents around than have them pass away at one of the worst times for funerals and mourning loved ones and you inheriting from them. You don't regret for a second making the most of your redundancy and you will not apologise for it nor will your DH apologise for his promotion. Sometimes, things happen and you have to be in the right place at the right time for them to happen to you.
I'd also say to Ann that you're very upset at her behaviour as she has shown you a side to her that is most materialistic and not pleasant and if she can't get over herself, she will have no friends left. My parting comment would be to say to her that it's very unfair to her husband that due to her opinions, he feels that he has to stand by her and he is also losing a network of friends because of her behaviour.

She sounds thoroughly unpleasant and incredibly jealous.

On a parting note here - I'm sorry for your losses. That can't have been easy dealing with the arrangements during Covid. Also congratulations to you and your DH on your career progressions. Your new work sounds very interesting.

That. It's easy to talk about jealousy, but that comes with judgment and negativity.

I agree that it's more that she's protecting herself. She's unable to have more children, and the one she has, has problems that will worry her for the rest of her life. Watching others with multiple non-complex children is something that is always going to be difficult and most parents with children with special needs will identify with that.

But on top of that you have so much more in other ways too, and the sum total of it all just brings home to her what she'll never have.

She understood and supported you through your awful losses, so she's not without understanding of that. But her own loss of the future she hoped for is ongoing, and for her own mental health, she's having to shut that down on whatever way she can.

I get that it hurts, but there's no real way round it.

I get why you're hurt about your friendship, you've done nothing wrong and there's nothing you can change. Id think Ann is having mental health issues and is projecting her issues into you which you can't help. I think sending flowers is a nice idea, it shows youre here for her and keeps lines of communication open. She may not be ready for friendship again for some time but there's nothing you can do really but at least you can be content knowing you tried

I am working class. Dad was a postman, mum a cleaner who eventually became a nurse. I was born on a council estate. In the early 1980s my parents cobbled together some money and bought a derelict house in a run down part of London where no-one wanted to live. We lived without carpets and a lot of other basics for a long time.

Fast forward to now. Both my parents passed away within a year of each other, leaving behind the family home that is worth over £1 million as the area is now ‘desirable’. I know many working class people like my parents who acted similarly and passed on asset wealth to their children. It’s not that unusual.

I agree with this. It doesn't have to be jealousy or that she begrudges you of anything.

I've distanced myself from people who talk a lot about their parents and how lovely they are. It's not jealousy, it's just painful for me because my parent died and I never got to experience any of that, they never even knew me as an adult. It's a painful reminder of what you don't have.

People on mumsnet are always saying you can end a friendship or relationship for whatever reason you want.

London is another country, literally. Nowhere else in the country would you be likely to be passing on that kind of wealth, having bought a derelict house as a postman and cleaner/nurse.

My parents bought a derelict house where I grew up. At the current valuation (they no longer live there) it's worth about £180k.

An absolute world of difference.

The OP lost both her parents and sole remaining grandparent during the pandemic when funerals were limited to very small numbers.
The OP also was made redundant.

£180k is hardly two bob and a toffee apple, is it?

Completely agree.

People are odd. I think you have to give up, as hurtful as that is. She might come round, you never know, but envy/jealousy is so so corrosive.

I've had this happen but different circumstances, with a friend I've known since I was 10. (I'm old!) Looking back the jealousy was always there, there were signs I ignored and I tried and tried to make it good and a viable friendship but it just caused me heartache and I am now glad we are not in contact, I've been hurt too much, she was so unpleasant to me after decades of friendship for absolutely no reason.

If your friend can give you up for such unfair advantages you have had, she really isn't the friend you thought she was. Friendship should be through thick and thin.

I understand she's likely upset and get what people are saying about protecting herself. Other friends of ours are still our friends. They haven't changed their opinion of us. I just didn't expect it of Ann.

On paper it seems like my life is wonderful (albeit losing my parents) but she knows how much I've struggled with anxiety, poverty, kids, husbands health. I also had an eating disorder when I was younger and have had lots of therapy. I'm not saying this for anyone to feel sorry for me but trying to explain that I don't sit on a diamond encrusted throne all day.

I'll go with the flowers idea for her birthday and if there's no response then I'll leave it.

Or perhaps Ann can empathise with the fact that OP has lost loved ones along the way and that’s one of the reasons for her change in finances
OP has said her money didn't just come from inheritance but also lucky circumstances. Loosing parents is very hard (more or less depending on the relationship) but at least something positive came out of that loss.

OP's friend seem to have had the shit without any of the good to make it a bit less shit.

You can be genuinely happy for a friend to have all you wish you had to, or feel that you deserve, and still grieve and therefore finding hard to be have it reminded by being around people who do have it all.

The brat thing a friend can do in this instance is to respect that person's hurting, give them the distance they need but bare no hard feelings so that when they are ready again, the friendship can resume as before. Giving space without any judgement can be the biggest proof of friendship.

t’s not that they personally begrudge you or have stopped liking you, this is entirely about how they’re feeling about themselves.

This.

I have a friend who has really struggled with divorce & the fact she could only have 1 dc with great difficulty. It's hard to be around & be reminded of what you lost/can't have

I agree with this. Those talking about jealousy and bitterness show a lack of understanding

I personally would just accept that this friendship has run its course, for various reasons. Often we outgrow friendships and that’s normal and ok- I’d personally move on

Those talking about jealousy and bitterness show a lack of understanding

Agree

Kindly, OP, I think you should leave well alone. Unfortunately, changes in lifestyle do affect friendships- especially when infertility and others having children, seemingly easily, comes in to play.
It may not be that Ann and Ben aren’t happy for your success, I’m sure they are; but more so they are distancing themselves for their own self preservation. People can feel more than one emotion.

I don’t think you should feel offended or abandoned, it’s just right now, they need to look after their own mental well being, and I think that’s fair.

I don’t think they’re worth worrying about, tbh.

They haven't changed their opinion of us. I just didn't expect it of Ann
Again, you are making it all about you. She hasn't changed her opinion of you. She probably desperately misses you and your friendship. It's just that to best grieve, she needs to distance herself from those who have had better luck.

It sounds like you've had hard times yourself, so surely you can appreciate how lucky you are that your life has turned around in the most amazing way. Not everyone is so lucky and it's important to respect that for those who haven't been so lucky, they sometimes have to grieve and learn to move on with people who they have more in common with at that time.