Our friends have distanced themselves from us and we've just found out why!

[PinkGiraffe1]

Me and DH have been friends with Ann and Ben (not real names) for over 15 years. We're all late 30s now.

Ben and I worked together and introduced our partners early on as we all got on really well. We've been to each other's weddings, been on holiday, lots of day trips. Probably spoke every few days etc. We've been there for new jobs, kids, etc. Helped move house and been there when we've lost parents/grandparents. You get the gist.

We all come from working class backgrounds and pre covid, we had fairly similar lives (in the sense of jobs, homes, holidays, money, lifestyle etc)

Ann got pregnant mid 20s (not planned) and wanted to be traditional so they got married and about 6 months after their son was born, they bought a house near to where she was raised (about 90 mins from us).

Ann & Ben were the first amongst our friends to have children/mortgage/marriage etc. The rest of us followed suit about 5-10 years later. During that time Ann told me she felt quite lonely and isolated from other friends. Then just before Covid her son was diagnosed with ADHD. They also had fertility issues and about a year ago she gave up trying for a second. She's also had health issues which has affected her mobility. Bar me and my DH, she doesn't have anyone else (except her DH and DS). Her words.

Pre covid me and DH had a very average lifestyle - both worked, had 2 kids, 3-bed semi house, holiday once a year etc

During Covid everything changed. I lost both my parents and my last remaining grandparent. Long story short, I inherited a lot of money.

I also got made redundant from a job I'd had for nearly 15 years. I then went freelance and due to the nature of my work (helping small businesses get online) it just took off and has been incredibly lucrative. My husband's boss got fired and he took over being Head of his Department. So he had a huge pay rise.

Between the inheritance, redundancy and new jobs, we've got a lot more money. Most of it has been spent on a bigger house, and yes, we've enjoyed extra holidays, nights out, nicer clothes etc. We've also had 2 more children (twins). We know we're incredibly lucky and we very much try to be humble and unflashy. We don't post on social media and the rest of our friends/family say we're still the same.

However Ann and Ben have been distant with us. They've turned down our invites, not invited us over. Taken ages to reply on WhatsApp (or not at all). We've both asked each of them if everything is okay or if we've done something to cause upset but they say no, they're just busy.

However last week at a mutual friends party (A&B weren't there), Clare, who was a bit drunk) told us that A & B are avoiding us because of our lifestyles and new found wealth. They said they hate that we apparently have it all and they don't. They feel poor and rubbish compared to us.

I was floored. My DH said he didn't believe it. Said its been a misunderstanding. So he called Ben the next day and gently explained what had been said. We expected denials but he confirmed it. He was rather sheepish and apologetic about it but said he had to stand by Ann.

I feel so upset. I don't know whether to speak to Ann or leave it.

Wwyd? I'm so upset as I thought we were close. She knows how devasted and low I was at losing my parents and grandparent. She also knew how much I loved my job. I feel so sad right now.

Of course it’s easier to navigate life with more resources. That’s why humans evolved to be motivated to acquire resources.

Those talking about jealousy and bitterness show a lack of understanding
And certainly empathy!

Ann might well be suffering from significant depression, rather than 'simply' feeling down. So these posters calling her all kinds of names may well be being really unfair.

This.

In my opinion, my generation (40's) are the first working class people to inherit.
I know quite a few working class people my age who have inherited.

Working class people of my parents generation typically didn't.
My mum (70's) has friends who inherited when their parents died, but they were middle class (parents were educated, had professional jobs, owned their own homes etc).

But I don't want to be a part of a whole other discussion on class as that's been done to death on here!!!

I agree with this.
Also something for other posters to remember is that feelings are not always rational. Ann may even be feeling guilty for feeling like this about her friends. But you can't just switch off the bad feelings

I'll go with the flowers idea for her birthday and if there's no response then I'll leave it
How about saying that you understand things are hard for her but that you'll always be there for her whenever she is better and wanting to rekindle the friendship?

I had a ‘friend’ like this who cut me off suddenly and I think it’s for the same reasons Ann has done it to you.

Ex-friend wanted more children, her husband refused- I had more.
She wanted to move out of the area we all lived in, her husband said no- I did.

Looking back I can see now that she was a toxic person and it was always her way or no way. Anytime we went out, it would always be her choice or where she wanted to eat etc.

A mutual friend asked me if I’d ever be friends with ex-friend again if she offered, not in a million years.

Sometimes people are only friends with you when they’re happy you’re all in the same boat.

I would leave it be. True friends would be happy, or at least accept your circumstances and not hold it against you! Maybe it’s better for Ann to not be around you both (mental health?) so I personally wouldn’t pursue it. If she wanted to see you she would

I agree with custardpyjamas as well.
And agree we all lose our parents and grandparents. Unless we die very young ourselves. I have no grandparents, parents, inlaws, aunts or uncles, And no inheritance.
When I saw friends get inheritance and saw how much easier it made their life, it was hard not to wish that had been the case for me too. And I have had more bereavements than any of my close friends as well. So many bereavements.

I think it's more likely to be the twins.

I don't blame them
it is very very very hard to see someone "just like me" suddenly well off and we all know money's the universal lubricant so life will be easier
I've never been given a life changing amount of money or been given a pay rise more than a few pence and I doubt I ever will
If I did I'd ask my close friends if I could help them out
They're protecting themselves by distancing
No one wants to feel poor 🥺

I was referring to other friends.

However it's clear Ann has changed. She's stopped talking to me. Hasn't returned messages. Declines event invites, meet ups etc.

And yes I'm making this about me. But I've not been horrible about Ann on this thread. I was asking for advice on what to do next. I want to be there for my friend, as I believe I always have been (& vice versa). But I don't want to do something that makes it worse.

My DH is furious and thinks I should have it out with her. I'm not like that though and would rather go back to how we were.

And I've been incredibly empathic. She lost quite a few friends over the years and I became her only shoulder.

Both my parents passed away within a year of each other, leaving behind the family home that is worth over £1 million as the area is now ‘desirable’. I know many working class people like my parents who acted similarly and passed on asset wealth to their children. It’s not that unusual.

It is unusual to inherit 1m, just look at what the average inheritance is.

She knows that you know because her husband probably told her after the chat with your h. If she wanted to explain or minimise then she would have already done that so don’t send any flowers out of pity- the friendship is clearly over.

I can see where Ann is coming from. I’m not saying it’s right, but I can understand it. We choose our friends because we have things in common with them - interests, opinions, sense of humour, experiences, history, values, hobbies - these are the things that draw us to people and keep us together. When some of these things go, the friendship loses something.

So whilst you’ll always have history together, your day to day lives are now very different. You have money and 4 kids, they are poor and have one child, and ache for a second. It’s not resentment or bitterness that stops Ann wanting to see you. It’s the pain it causes her, and the fact that it must make her look at her own life and see how lacking it is. I’m sure she sympathises with your losses, is happy for your successes, but the fact remains that your lives have changed so much, you might as well have emigrated to the other side of the world.

When I was going through fertility treatment I had to distance myself from friends with kids. It was self preservation. It wasn’t their fault, it was nothing they did, but the fact that they had kids was too painful for me to bear.

My father died when I was a child, my husband's father died when my husband was a baby. It is the normal run of things to outlive our parents although it happened to us earlier than most, it is sad but even sadder if parents outlive their children in my opinion.

I get so fed up with people like Ann who can't ever seem to see the bigger picture and are riven with jealousy.

The main reason you have money is because your parents died - and her response to your "good luck"( in her warped view) is to unfriend you? I am sure you would much prefer your parents were alive than to have the money.

What a cow.

You are best off without her @PinkGiraffe1 , she has done you a favor. People like her are exhausting.

Your husband is a beauty isn't he. I would imagine her real pain is her fertility issues and that is compounded by finances as IVF is expensive. Maybe he should have a look at his 4 health children and feel just a little bit of compassion for someone who is struggling.

You say you don't flaunt your good luck but you can't hide your children. It isn't spite or jealousy to feel pain about infertility. Leave the woman alone to deal with her pain. There isn't a right way to deal with it.

Her infertility, her mobility issues, her child's diagnosis? Any compassion at all?

This.

The one child she was able to have is struggling. You knock out another two no bother, and she also has health issues. Then there’s the financials.

She can’t handle it and I understand.

You could talk to her but it’s a tough one, how do you say you know someone wants what you have or some of it without sounding like a dick?

To just say, Ann and Ben aren't poor. Ben has a really good job so much so Ann stopped working. Their house isn't small or rundown either. They don't live in poverty.

Yes, health and fertility wise, that's not what she wanted but in terms of money, for ages they were the wealthiest by a long mile.

I also think bad health is very dehabilitating & lonely for some.

I agree with this.

Yes, health and fertility wise, that's not what she wanted but in terms of money, for ages they were the wealthiest by a long mile.

it's likely the health & fertility that really impacts her.

I honestly don’t think you have reason to be ‘furious’ as your DH seems to think.
As a SEND parent, it can be incredibly hard at times when friends have typical children and you are trying to navigate a whole new world. Sometimes the comparisons are painful and also having a child with additional needs really limits what you can earn and every other area of your life. Couple that with secondary infertility and missing the opportunity to have a typical parenting experience, and it must be so difficult.
I would imagine that Ann is feeling really shit right now and has to keep her circle small to protect her mental health and emotional wellbeing.
After my child was diagnosed and it became clear we were on a different path to our other friends, I had to let some of those connections go. I wasn’t being unkind but I had limited emotional and practical resources and I couldn’t put them into relationships that made me feel worse