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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Our friends have distanced themselves from us and we've just found out why!

550 replies

PinkGiraffe1 · 22/02/2025 13:25

Me and DH have been friends with Ann and Ben (not real names) for over 15 years. We're all late 30s now.

Ben and I worked together and introduced our partners early on as we all got on really well. We've been to each other's weddings, been on holiday, lots of day trips. Probably spoke every few days etc. We've been there for new jobs, kids, etc. Helped move house and been there when we've lost parents/grandparents. You get the gist.

We all come from working class backgrounds and pre covid, we had fairly similar lives (in the sense of jobs, homes, holidays, money, lifestyle etc)

Ann got pregnant mid 20s (not planned) and wanted to be traditional so they got married and about 6 months after their son was born, they bought a house near to where she was raised (about 90 mins from us).

Ann & Ben were the first amongst our friends to have children/mortgage/marriage etc. The rest of us followed suit about 5-10 years later. During that time Ann told me she felt quite lonely and isolated from other friends. Then just before Covid her son was diagnosed with ADHD. They also had fertility issues and about a year ago she gave up trying for a second. She's also had health issues which has affected her mobility. Bar me and my DH, she doesn't have anyone else (except her DH and DS). Her words.

Pre covid me and DH had a very average lifestyle - both worked, had 2 kids, 3-bed semi house, holiday once a year etc

During Covid everything changed. I lost both my parents and my last remaining grandparent. Long story short, I inherited a lot of money.

I also got made redundant from a job I'd had for nearly 15 years. I then went freelance and due to the nature of my work (helping small businesses get online) it just took off and has been incredibly lucrative. My husband's boss got fired and he took over being Head of his Department. So he had a huge pay rise.

Between the inheritance, redundancy and new jobs, we've got a lot more money. Most of it has been spent on a bigger house, and yes, we've enjoyed extra holidays, nights out, nicer clothes etc. We've also had 2 more children (twins). We know we're incredibly lucky and we very much try to be humble and unflashy. We don't post on social media and the rest of our friends/family say we're still the same.

However Ann and Ben have been distant with us. They've turned down our invites, not invited us over. Taken ages to reply on WhatsApp (or not at all). We've both asked each of them if everything is okay or if we've done something to cause upset but they say no, they're just busy.

However last week at a mutual friends party (A&B weren't there), Clare, who was a bit drunk) told us that A & B are avoiding us because of our lifestyles and new found wealth. They said they hate that we apparently have it all and they don't. They feel poor and rubbish compared to us.

I was floored. My DH said he didn't believe it. Said its been a misunderstanding. So he called Ben the next day and gently explained what had been said. We expected denials but he confirmed it. He was rather sheepish and apologetic about it but said he had to stand by Ann.

I feel so upset. I don't know whether to speak to Ann or leave it.

Wwyd? I'm so upset as I thought we were close. She knows how devasted and low I was at losing my parents and grandparent. She also knew how much I loved my job. I feel so sad right now.

OP posts:
Trunksarebetter · 22/02/2025 21:55

Riverswims · 22/02/2025 15:46

I don't blame them
it is very very very hard to see someone "just like me" suddenly well off and we all know money's the universal lubricant so life will be easier
I've never been given a life changing amount of money or been given a pay rise more than a few pence and I doubt I ever will
If I did I'd ask my close friends if I could help them out
They're protecting themselves by distancing
No one wants to feel poor 🥺

Whinge, whinge, whinge.

Trunksarebetter · 22/02/2025 21:57

PinkGiraffe1 · 22/02/2025 15:46

I was referring to other friends.

However it's clear Ann has changed. She's stopped talking to me. Hasn't returned messages. Declines event invites, meet ups etc.

And yes I'm making this about me. But I've not been horrible about Ann on this thread. I was asking for advice on what to do next. I want to be there for my friend, as I believe I always have been (& vice versa). But I don't want to do something that makes it worse.

My DH is furious and thinks I should have it out with her. I'm not like that though and would rather go back to how we were.

And I've been incredibly empathic. She lost quite a few friends over the years and I became her only shoulder.

You have done nothing wrong, OP. Ann has turned your life into a feature length episode of the Me Me Me Show. Trust me, you are well rid.

Millysmum87 · 22/02/2025 21:58

WhatFreshHellisThese · 22/02/2025 21:55

@Millysmum87 at least she has a child. Lots of people with fertility issues have no children at all. Lots of people don't get everything they want in life

Yes but she can still feel shit about it. It's a spectrum. She can simultaneously be glad to have a child and deeply sad she can't have a second.

Trunksarebetter · 22/02/2025 22:00

TheignT · 22/02/2025 15:56

Your husband is a beauty isn't he. I would imagine her real pain is her fertility issues and that is compounded by finances as IVF is expensive. Maybe he should have a look at his 4 health children and feel just a little bit of compassion for someone who is struggling.

You say you don't flaunt your good luck but you can't hide your children. It isn't spite or jealousy to feel pain about infertility. Leave the woman alone to deal with her pain. There isn't a right way to deal with it.

Oh, give over. Ann is absolute poison.

Crateoflemsip · 22/02/2025 22:00

WhatFreshHellisThese · 22/02/2025 21:55

@Millysmum87 at least she has a child. Lots of people with fertility issues have no children at all. Lots of people don't get everything they want in life

Life isn’t like that. And neither are feelings.

this situation sucks for OP. But Ann has done the right thing by stepping away. I think it’s better for OP if she doesn’t spend time with someone who resents her good fortune.

I feel for everyone in this situation. None of it easy

Poppyseeds79 · 22/02/2025 22:00

thedogatethecattreats · 22/02/2025 21:43

You are being silly with your
Boo hoo Ann

Where did you read she was slagging people off? They feel poor and rubbish compared to us. She's slagging herself off if anything!

she could keep right on trotting herself as far away as she likes.
that's exactly what's she's doing, so what are you complaining about?

Right, so am I being "silly", or mean? Which is it then?

Clare reckoned Ann has said she can't cope with them "having it all". Which isn't exactly a fair comment regarding OPs circumstances coming around the way they have.

I'm not sure why you even launched into this bit, as it wasn't related at all anything in my post?
Who said she doesn't sympathise about losing parents? It doesn't mean it's easier for people to lose their own parents and not get any inheritance at all. When you see some people go into debts to pay for a funeral they want decent out of respect, it's quite sad. An inheritance is not a negative.

And I'm not complaining Ann is trotting herself along. I said it's good that she is...

No doubt you'll have plenty to respond to again in the above. So crack yourself on 🙂

the7Vabo · 22/02/2025 22:08

Trunksarebetter · 22/02/2025 22:00

Oh, give over. Ann is absolute poison.

What has Anne done that could possibly justify her being called “poison”? All she’s actually done that’s less than ideal is lot communicate with the OP.

The woman is struggling, she has a lot of shit going on. She’s just a fallible human being.

Crateoflemsip · 22/02/2025 22:10

PinkGiraffe1 · 22/02/2025 16:12

I had fertility issues. I needed IVF for my first child. I've had health issues. I've experienced poverty and stresses over it. I've lost family members. I've lost my job, which at the time was worrying and stressful. One of my children has diabetes. One of my friends kids has cerebral palsy. Yes Ann has had a rubbish hand with health and fertility and I've done my best to be there for her too.

What I haven't done is ghosted my friends!

Yes I get why but I'm allowed to feel sad over it. I thought we meant more to each other.

But you have come through the other side OP. You had IVF, but now have twins as well as other kids.

it’s really difficult for you to imagine how you might have felt if you’d never been able to have kids. Yes, you can understand about infertility and IVF, but from the perspective of everything working out eventually.

It’s really sad for both of you as you both seem to have been good friends. I think it’s really sad that Ann can’t get over this. It’s also interesting that she was fine when they were the ‘richest’ - but I think some people are more jealous than others.

i have a friend who is very envious of others. She can be a right bitch when she thinks you’re doing ‘better’ than her, and I don’t particularly like spending time with her when she is in one of those moods, so Ann is actually doing you a favour.

Maybe try to have a chat with her, tell her you understand if she wants to drop
contact, but that you really value her as a friend

Trunksarebetter · 22/02/2025 22:15

Hollyhedge · 22/02/2025 16:41

Do read the many other posts saying similar

i’n not diminishing anything. But ‘devastating loss’ is usually not how people describe losing parents/ grandparents in our later 30s. Hard as hell - yes, comes to us all, yes, sadly

What “many other posts”?

What WOULD you consider a devastating loss?

Quitelikeit · 22/02/2025 22:21

Its amusing how you think you can have it out with her!

And interesting how your husband got straight in the phone to her husband after hearing some drunken chit chat

People don’t have to talk to you, it’s their choice?!

I mean she has made it pretty clear so
how about you back off and stay in your lane?

Im sure if she wanted more money she could return to work

So chill out op

You and your DH don’t really look like upstanding citizens in this scenario!

WhatFreshHellisThese · 22/02/2025 22:23

@Millysmum87 lm not saying she can't feel shit. Personally l think it's shit l had 4 rounds of IVF with all the financial, emotional and physical side effects of that. Whereas the majority of the people l know had unprotected sex for a couple of months (often not even that!). That's before you even get to my dad dying young in a nasty way and me having a chronic condition that makes full time work hard. But l have the sense and emotional maturity to realise it's not helpful or healthy to ruminate about this. Or take it out on someone else

gettingthehangofsewing · 22/02/2025 22:28

Having a chid with Sen canbe so challenging watching your child struggle is heartbreaking. infertility is awful.

You have had a lot of nice things happen, Ann has struggled with that and stepped away. That's about her and her unhappiness don't make her feel worse to prove some sort of point.

Respect her feelings and walk away.

Missj25 · 22/02/2025 22:39

OP , you clearly miss yr friendship ….
I would reach out to Ann..
Be honest, tell her you miss her a lot , sure what have you got to lose in fairness 🤷🏻‍♀️…
I hope ye sort things out ..🙂

Tulipsandaffodils · 22/02/2025 22:40

I’m not sure it is just the infertility,

op has she distanced herself from other friends who have more than one kid? Because it doesn’t sound like she has. It sounds like the finances are a big factor.

you said they are very comfortable, for a long time the wealthiest in the group, and she’s lost that position. And seen the kids, so for me, I think it’s the whole thing. As if it’s just kids, she’d be distancing on other people.

Randomusername37258 · 22/02/2025 22:47

Can you genuinely not see how you got here? Someone who is dealing with infertility might need space to deal with it, might not feel able to discuss it when you're having babies, and might then feel like too much time has passed to come back from.

I've ghosted a friend before when she had a new baby so I couldn't have the uncomfortable conversation the friendship needed. It's probably not uncommon.

Lessexpected · 22/02/2025 22:53

It’s a bit like when I see mothers and daughters out and about and I just miss my mother so much that I want to turn and run in the other direction. Some pain just can’t be squared away neatly. Sad, isn’t it.

Trunksarebetter · 22/02/2025 23:01

So what was to stop Ann messaging OP saying “I’m really struggling at the moment, so might not be in touch that often. I hope you understand.”?

And more pertinently, why has she even mentioned money? If it’s all down to struggling with infertility, why does it matter whether the OP is as rich as Cresus or hasn’t got a pot to piss in?

Glitchymn1 · 22/02/2025 23:03

Bloody Claire. Needs a spoon, oh wait.

Downwiththecrumpets81 · 22/02/2025 23:12

I had a similar situation with someone I considered one of my best friends when I was younger.

Firstly, I got an inheritance when I was 18 (not a life changing amount), and my friend couldn’t cope with the fact that I had money and she just stopped talking to me.

I rekindled my friendship with her a few years later and she apologised, saying that she had acted out of jealousy and it wasn’t personal. We went back to meeting up and chatting on the phone.

Then I had my first child and she disowned me again. Turns out her long term partner had basically forced her into an abortion recently and she couldn’t cope that I had a child and she didn’t, she wrote me a letter to explain this.

And that was the end of that. It really hurt but I just had to let her go, it was her choice. I stalked her recently on SM and ironically her life has turned out far better than mine has, so she should have just hung on in there 🤣

Trunksarebetter · 22/02/2025 23:15

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Trunksarebetter · 22/02/2025 23:23

Millysmum87 · 22/02/2025 21:53

I imagine infertility does make one a little self obsessed and certainly a whinger.

But apparently losing both your parents within weeks and raising your children without grandparents is a walk in the fucking park.

JustSawJohnny · 22/02/2025 23:24

People who can't be happy for others make terrible friends.

A large part of your wealth is from losing your parents and a grandparent, FFS. How can a friend be jealous of that?!

I'd let them go and never try to contact them again.

Sockmate123 · 22/02/2025 23:33

I dont know for sure but I think i am in a similar situation sort of. Haven't inherited lots of money or anything but standard of living has improved. We were friends with a couple, not close enough for holidaying together but would meet up semi regularly and go out for dinner etc over past few years DH has progressed in his career. He works in tech and gets a healthy bonus depending on performance. He also gets shares in the company 4 times a year which we usually sell to fund house improvements/holidays.
We have 2 kids, they have one. Their eldest is in our eldest class. There DS has Autism and extreme anxiety. I have always been really supportive (her words) always including her DS when no one else at school would etc.

Anyway she got made redundant but was only in the job 2 years so not a massive payout. Her DH lost his job but is now working again. I feel like they are 'quietly quitting us'. There was no falling out but she turned down invite for Christmas drinks saying she was busy even when we had to reschedule she was also busy on alternate date. When I run into her she says hi etc but I feel its the difference in lifestyle and its really sad because I couldn't care less what people have or don't have.

Really long winded but I've no advice really...other than jealousy is awful but it sounds like this friendship has run its course...

Notsosure1 · 22/02/2025 23:34

Goldbar · 22/02/2025 19:43

But how far does the OP really want her friend to lean on HER?

Is she really happy to be around for the bitter tears, the "it's so unfair that you seem to have it all!", the open expression of her friend's grief that the life she wanted seems to have eluded her? Is she willing to hear that and try her best to console and comfort? Is she willing to run her friend around to appointments if required and babysit her child to give her a rest? To give practical and emotional help when required?

I suspect not, in which case it was a social friendship only, albeit maybe close. It was based on being able to enjoy time together socially, not really on making sacrifices for each other. I have several of these friendships, there's nothing wrong with them and I value them. But if I was going through a tough time and needed to withdraw to regroup and lick my wounds, these aren't the friends I would dump on and so I'd have to reduce contact to focus on myself. Sometimes we go through periods in life where it isn't possible to paste a smile on our faces and pretend everything is fine in order to be good company for other people.

Really well said 🩷

Notsosure1 · 22/02/2025 23:38

Trunksarebetter · 22/02/2025 23:01

So what was to stop Ann messaging OP saying “I’m really struggling at the moment, so might not be in touch that often. I hope you understand.”?

And more pertinently, why has she even mentioned money? If it’s all down to struggling with infertility, why does it matter whether the OP is as rich as Cresus or hasn’t got a pot to piss in?

Because some ppl are really sensitive when it comes to fertility issues and may not want to mention it, so the money is an easier explanation would be my guess