AIBU unreasonable to feel upset about this .......

[Mossley]

I've been seeing my partner for 20 months now, he has 3 daughters, they obviously message each other which is all good, nice to see them close as a family.

But I caught sight of a message between him and one of his daughters recently that left me feeling upset. Basically we were sitting on the couch and he put his phone next to me to charge and then went the loo. His phone wasn't locked and what caught my eye, was he'd left WhatsApp open and there was a picture of my cupboard in my home that had been sent as part of a message.

I knew I shouldn't have read it but I did. So to put this in context I've been feeling quite anxious about the state of world affairs and the looming potential of World War 3 and I saw an add to buy vacuum packed ready meals that last years. So I bought a box of them and put them in the cupboard. So my partner had taken a photo of the cupboard, sent it to his daughter and said 'Trying to get my coat out of the nuke' storage cupboard'. Both of them reply with a trail of laughing emojis and then his daughter says 'What a whopper'
He then replies 'You don't know the half of it, really"

There's a part of me that thinks its funny, but then there's another part of me that thinks its mean and they are both laughing at me. It's also made me wonder what other things he's telling them and whether I'm regularly just the butt of jokes. Also I feel something like that should be private and so what other stuff is he disclosing? It's made me feel like an outsider in his life.

So, am I just being just being too sensitive and I should just 'man-up' or do I have a right to feel uneasy about this? Thanks.

Oh, I know that. We'll all be toast soon enough. I think it's more the breakdown in systems that some people prep for, like having torches and candles in case of a power cut. Just think of the supermarkets during Covid or the chaos when water supplies are cut off. I think that's more the mindset.
We all watched 'Threads' in the 1980s. Terrifying scenario.

Thanks for making me feel sane :-)

Put it this way, I didn't need to panic about bog rolls in 2020.

I sprout my own beans, peas and seeds and grow a fair bit of stuff here in the soil too. If I couldn't walk off this place for four months, I would be fine. Thinner but fine.

You do you OP.

I would dump for this. He isn't have a tease with you, he is laughing at you behind your back. He has taken a photo of something in your home in order to have a pop at you with his daughter. Mean and nasty.

The 'you don't know the half of it' suggests to his daughter that he is having to put up with all sorts from you. Again this is nasty. Even if he feels it is true! He can walk away. He is not some hero for putting up with you but that is what he is suggesting, probably to be 'in' with his daughter.

Mean and nasty all of it.

I do something similar to OP, I live slightly rural and I’m always worried about bad weather snow and ice et cetera so I have a bit of a stash of things.
The Christmas before Covid hit and I honestly do not understand where I read this but I did, I read about bird flu heading towards the UK, I know it was before Christmas because I decided that after Christmas I would have more room in my freezer and could start stocking up (I’d watched a TV drama called survivors where the birds spread a deadly disease around the worldmany years before and it frighten the shit out of me).
I told no one about this, not even my DH
By the time we got to February DH sort of got wind what I was doing, probably something to do with the 96 toilet rolls in the under stairs cupboard, he thought I was absolutely bonkers.

DH has a life limiting illness and by the time Covid hit we were in a situation where I think we could safely shut the front door for pretty much six weeks and not worried about anything. I even read how the Americans freeze eggs and did that too. in the end, DH was exceedingly grateful for my planning.

I don’t like people who make jokes behind my back your DP was very insensitive

Personally, my motto is being prepared, I bet if something happened he’d be jolly happy to pop round and share one of those meals if needed 💐

Yeh. What’s a “whopper” in this context? Here in London it means very big

I'm torn.

I could see myself taking a photo of something quirky DH had done and sharing it with family but I know it would land in the way I meant it; with great affection - they are all mad about him.

However when a life threatening illness was ravaging me I caught my DSD filming me and I knew without a shadow of a doubt it was being sent for her family's amusement. I was gutted.

It's hard to know which side this one is falling on without more context of the relationships between everybody.

Thank you for understanding. I bought the packs for the both of us. I know in the event of a nuclear strike, we would most likely be cinders but if we survived and were not dying from injuries, I'd like to have the choice to choose whether to eat or not. I guess I was applying some reasonably flawed logic as a reaction to some anxiety, but I'm not harming anyone by doing it and I didn't expect to be secretly ridiculed or for pictures of my home to be sent via text to set up the 'let's have a good laugh at their expense'. It just feels mean to me and I now see them in a different light.

So OP has vacuum packed meals just in case. Plenty of peeps on MN said they were stocking up prior to lock down and since. waitting for all out rioting in the streets, looting and zombies taking over. Then there was the millennium bug that everyone panicked over. Short memories folks!😄
This is a different scenario but why pick on OP? She's obviously worried. Stop bullying her bacause this is all some of the stupid comments amount to.

OP…I grew up in Switzerland where virtually every private house, to this day, has a nuclear bunker. I’m not sure if it is still mandatory for recent newbuilds, but for me having one is less odd than a house NOT having one 😀. I think the same applies for Finland. And maybe even Norway?

It was, and for many still is, completely normal - indeed expected - to always have a couple of months worth of survival rations of non perishable foods such as rice, pasta, tinned food, oil, that sort of thing. Personally, I think its a great idea even for non-atomic disasters such as a bunch of unexpected guests turning up!

So, in no way are you “weird”. Unless one deems the entire nation of Finland and Switzerland weird. What isweird, however, is that your so called closest person is making dismissive, disrespectful remarks to his kids behind your back about it. The ONLY thing I’d say in his defense….written, hasty, short communication is often VERY poor at conveying intent. Something intented as lightheartedly funny can easily come across as biting sarcasm or judging condemnation.Thus, he may well not have meant it the way you perceived it. You know the man, we don’t - is he prone to make hurtful remarks behind others backs?

Yea nah, I wouldn't like that at all. It's not nice, taking pictures and calling you an arse behind your back. At all.

I'd also look at his phone if I'd see a pic of my cupboard pop up, especially since you don't live together and it's your home. I wouldn't even consider it snooping, tbh. If someone's taking secret pics of the insides of my cupboards, I'd feel I have every right to know why, what's the reason.

Also I don't think you're mad or batshit for buying those meals. Yea, a bit extra maybe, but so what. It's not hurting anyone.

I have a different outlook to prepping, as I'm from a country bordering russia. No one would laugh at you there, if you'd buy extra food or supplies. Yes I know, it's a different situation in the UK, but still, I don't see a big deal in buying supplies and I think it's smart to be prepared.

I've always been a bit of a prepper, just don't call myself that. Not for any nuclear disaster or suchlike, but I'm a single parent, no one to help, one wage. So I like to keep cupboards, fridge, freezer, pantry full, medicine cabinet stocked, all the loo rolls, washing liquids, etc stocked up. Stuff like that. I guess I just feel safer this way, in case - say - I get ill and won't be able to shop/go out, or some financial misfortune strikes and I won't have money for a while, things like that.

Thanks for your post and I appreciate your balanced comments. Generally he's not dismissive, we rub along quite well but I just feel uncomfortable with his response. Clearly he was trying to be humorous, but I would never dream of taking pictures of his house and sending them to someone else as joke to be laughed at. It just feels disrespectful and it's made me feel quite vulnerable, and made me realise that in the dynamics of his life, I'm probably bottom of the pecking order.

OP if you were in my country you would be fully expected to be prepared, to help yourself and others. I would not have bought the food you did, but there are other things you can do. It’s not just about a war. There could easily be cyber attacks.

I find it odd that the UK government don’t expect more of you or just leave you to it.
You all seem to joke about it.

OP there is a very good list in this brochure, which has been sent to all households.

rib.msb.se/filer/pdf/30874.pdf

I think it’s quite normal to poke light hearted fun at people as a way of normalising it.

My mum also has MH issues and my siblings way of dealing with it is to make a joke to each other about it.

You know you are acting irrationally and instead of him going on that you are mad and explaining how that item is not going to do any good etc. he has let you carry on knowing that it puts your mind at rest but as he also knows it’s not ‘normal’ then he’s dealing with it in a light hearted way.

I think the bigger red flag here is you going through his phone and reading his private messages between him and his children.

Thank you :-)

To add, we also know where to go if there actually was a war/crises signal. Basically there is a garage in every street which functions as a bunker. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t know where their nearest one is.

It's the use of the word "whopper" I really don't like. Where I live it's used derogatorily rather than playfully. That's really not pleasant.

I think this is way too OTT.

Cash in different denominations, freezing and storing bottles of water, having camping equipment ready etc just seems pointless.

Most people do not have the money or space in their homes to be doing such things.

Whopper to me means dickhead, idiot, fool

No there aren't. North Korea is the only country regularly testing. They have had a total of 7 tests this century. No other country has tested since 1998. Despite what you may read on the Internet, it's not easy to hide a nuclear explosion!

You don’t have to do it. It’s up to you. There are several on this post, from other countries, who have said that it is normal and expected to take responsibility of your own.You don’t have to in the UK. Nothing is being expected of you.

@Mossley Honestly I think that his behaviour would give me the ick.

He's clearly happy to use you as the butt of jokes with his DDs which shows a very unkind side. This would be a turn off for me. I'd be constantly wondering what else he was taking pictures of and laughing about whilst my home.

If it were me I take some time away from him and have a good think.

No, it's fucking nasty.
It's clearly not meant in a "light hearted manner" that PP are falling over each other and telling the OP how wrong she is for looking at his phone.

He took a picture of her cupboard and then sent it to his daughter with a nasty comment ( clearly taking the piss) then his bitch of a daughter makes a nasty remark.

There are a lot of people understandably worried about WW3 at the moment. Just because you and I aren't doesn't mean we can take the piss out of people that are.

Also to add, I suspect this isn't the first time he's done it.

Don't be embarrassed. It's your house you can do what you like. But just consider is this what you want for your relationship, to constantly wonder if he's being unkind behind your back.

I'm honestly not an overly sensitive person and take the piss out of myself a lot.
But there is something about that interaction with his daughter that really doesn't sit comfortably with me. The 'you don't know the half of it' is worse than the actual photo, in my opinion. It seems disrespectful.