AIBU unreasonable to feel upset about this .......

[Mossley]

I've been seeing my partner for 20 months now, he has 3 daughters, they obviously message each other which is all good, nice to see them close as a family.

But I caught sight of a message between him and one of his daughters recently that left me feeling upset. Basically we were sitting on the couch and he put his phone next to me to charge and then went the loo. His phone wasn't locked and what caught my eye, was he'd left WhatsApp open and there was a picture of my cupboard in my home that had been sent as part of a message.

I knew I shouldn't have read it but I did. So to put this in context I've been feeling quite anxious about the state of world affairs and the looming potential of World War 3 and I saw an add to buy vacuum packed ready meals that last years. So I bought a box of them and put them in the cupboard. So my partner had taken a photo of the cupboard, sent it to his daughter and said 'Trying to get my coat out of the nuke' storage cupboard'. Both of them reply with a trail of laughing emojis and then his daughter says 'What a whopper'
He then replies 'You don't know the half of it, really"

There's a part of me that thinks its funny, but then there's another part of me that thinks its mean and they are both laughing at me. It's also made me wonder what other things he's telling them and whether I'm regularly just the butt of jokes. Also I feel something like that should be private and so what other stuff is he disclosing? It's made me feel like an outsider in his life.

So, am I just being just being too sensitive and I should just 'man-up' or do I have a right to feel uneasy about this? Thanks.

It's not very nice but I think you do need to get a grip
I've been feeling quite anxious about the state of world affairs and the looming potential of World War 3
WW3? you won't need your vacuum packs.

I don't actually find it that odd as DH got a wood burning stove fitted just in case the Russians cut off power supplies and likes to keep the cupboards groaning with cans of stuff just in case. He probably would stack up on ready meals if he wasn't also so terrified of eating too much UPFs.
I take the view that it's not harming me and who knows it may come in useful.

He's laughing at you behind your back, it would be different if you were in on the joke and they teased you about it but it's not.

I think your anxiety around the state of the world is clouding your view on this.

You're seeing it as a necessary precaution that is being mocked when it's a bit daft really.

What makes them 'secret photos'? I don't tell dh every time I take a photo in our home, does that mean I'm taking secret photos of his home?

@MassiveGoat huge difference taking a photo of your own home and someone else's. Would you go round to your pals and take a picture of say an untidy cupboard there ?

I can understand why you feel like that op. The messages between your partner and his dds was a bit mean and behind your back.

I am a bit of a prepper, like to keep a few extra bits incase of a power cut, water going off etc. Sometimes my adult kids and dh have a laugh about it with me and call me a tin hat, put funny stuff in the group chat it's all banter and we all have a laugh.

It's the part like a pp has said " you don't know the half of it" It's like he's exasperated with you getting organised for a war that might never happen. If that's the case then a good partner should talk to you openly about things and try to comfort your feelings, rather than rip the piss out of them.

WW3? you won't need your vacuum packs

Exactly, if WW3 happens, its not going to be a prolonged 'make do and mend, 'dig for victory' war like WW2.

It'll be done and dusted in minutes...

Not worth wasting time worrying about it.

You know what, if he took a photo of ANYTHING in your house and made a derisive comment about it to someone else - it's not respectful behaviour.

It's your private space you invited him into, and he's violated that trust - that's why you feel hurt, because you are hurt! What else is he going to take photos of?

Had he made a jokey comment to you directly? If he didn't, I'd feel like he can't be trusted to be honest, and if you don't trust then what's the point?

I’m not a conspiracy theorist at all, but the way things are going with Trump, Musk, and Putin cosying up makes me wonder sometimes if you’re not far off the mark, op.

I think it’s very cliquey to be having WhatsApp conversations joking about you with his children. Not the way to treat a partner. I would say to him that you caught sight of the conversation on his phone and that it was the photo of your cupboard which drew your attention, otherwise you wouldn’t have looked.

I’d feel upset OP. To me it sounds like a joke at your expense, fair enough if you were included in the joke and he told you he was sending the pic to his daughters. The “you don’t know the half of it” comment makes me feel uneasy personally. Equally I don’t think “what a whopper” is a particularly kind way to refer to someone but maybe I’m also overly sensitive.
I think it would be a light-hearted joke if you’d both shared a bit of a laugh about the vacuum packed food and he’d said “I have to show so and so, they’ll think it’s funny”
Seems like an unkind joke at your expense to be honest.

If you were i a better place anxiety wise would you also see the funny side better?

I think they're just having a joke, but I live in a house where if I bought vacuum meals in the event if pending Armageddon some joker would wrap to cupboard door in tinfoil and tape hazzard signs all over it.

@MassiveGoat I was making the assumption that they don't live together which now that I've reread the OP isn't outright stated so I could be wrong about it. Personally I wouldn't take a photo of my partner's possessions and send them to a 3rd party to mock and belittle them even if it was in our shared home. The lack of respect doesn't bode well for the relationship in my opinion.

I think it all depends on whether he laughs and jokes with you about it. If he does then it's fine.

If he doesn't then he's just taking the piss out of you behind your back. I'm not a fan of "mean girl" behaviour so it would upset me knowing they were doing that behind my back

OT but I can’t think of anything less helpful than vacuum packed food in the event of WW3. It would be game over before you could read the rehydration instructions (hopefully).

This.
Very disrespectful regardless of the circumstances. If he jokes about some vacuum packed meals what else is he finding funny and sharing with his children. Tell the wanker to fuck off back under the stone from whence he crawled.

It's the part like a pp has said " you don't know the half of it" It's like he's exasperated with you getting organised for a war that might never happen. If that's the case then a good partner should talk to you openly about things and try to comfort your feelings, rather than rip the piss out of them.

Maybe he does. Maybe he just needs an outlet for that exasperation.

If the OP's anxiety around it has got to this level, I'm not sure what he could say that's going to make any difference. Its a conversation that would get pretty boring, pretty quickly.

There's only so many hypothetical "but what if..?" scenarios I could handle responding to seriously before I stopped wanting to comfort someone else's feelings because there's an actual life that I rather be living now.

I get it, if we are nuked then not a lot we can do but it was a 'just in case' moment. Also I'm just one of those practical people that prepares for things but I'm not a conspiracy theorist or need a tin foil hat.:-)

Call him out on it to find your peace.

I would really feel hurt by that too, OP.

I'm an amateur/rubbish prepper at times and my family roll their eyes at me - but they know because they live here and I've told them.

He's talking about you behind your back and sharing your personal quirks for them to laugh at.

I would feel differently about him for this.

This is an alternative way of dealing with the worry.

Humans have always had to deal with existential fears, some prep and some say no point worrying.

Neither way (prepping vs dismissing) is actually more correct than the other. Both are about soothing emotions.

There are other responses too.

Yeah it really does just depend on the context of your relationship.
Does he treat you or talk about you in a contemptuous manner generally? If so, this is a mean joke at your expense and I would be upset.

If on the other hand this is just a private joke and affectionate eye-roll in the context of an otherwise loving and respectful relationship, then I’d shrug it off as non-malicious and make a mental note not to read private messages.

It's absolutely fair to feel hurt when being laughed at not being laughed with.

Am I misunderstanding something here?

”What a whopper!” means what a big fat lump where I come from. Or possibly what a big fat lie.

What does he mean by “you don’t know the half of it?”

I would be upset and I would dump him, but I have zero tolerance for men’s shitty behaviour.

People who like to be prepared for emergencies are not preppers, they are sensible. I started doing this as I have several auto immune diseases and never know when I’m going to be in a flare etc. while everybody else was running around like loons at the start of Covid I was quite happily sat at home with my stash of Costco loo rolls , 6 months of cleaning and hygiene supplies and giant chest freezer etc. That meant that I wasn’t putting any extra demand on an already stretched supply chain, and other people could access what I wasn’t using by storming the shops myself.

that said, ration packs and shelf stable means are awful and you don’t seem to have any serious plan so this as a stand alone gesture is a bit odd. Is it just a purchase to soothe your anxiety? What would you do after they have gone?