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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Volunteering got complicated …..

414 replies

MellowTiger · 22/02/2025 00:00

I didn’t really know how to title this post. My DH & I volunteer for the same charity. He became involved with volunteer (female) -unknown to me this has been off and on for 6 years. It’s mainly s/text and phone/video call but it’s been very explicit & talk of moving in together. I found out & when challenged he ended it.
OW then started to be awkward with me in online meetings etc (we rarely meet F2F). It got to the point where other people commented on it. We were due to meet F2F as a group so I messaged OW saying requesting she didn’t attend (I have to go she doesn’t). I also said that if she continued being the way she was I would take it further in the organisation and that she couldn’t deny the relationship because I have photos of their conversations.
She put in a complaint saying I had threatened her, which has now been upheld and I now have to be interviewed to be sanctioned.
I feel this is really unfair AIBU? This is a personal matter, I was polite and although I see there was 100 ways to word it, I don’t think saying I’ll take it further (meaning a formal complaint) is really a threat. We ended up cancelling the F2F cos I said I wouldn’t go and without me it can’t take place.
Regardless of the sanction outcome I want to stop volunteering, but this could lead to the charity closure, so my DH says I should carry on. I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
5128gap · 22/02/2025 10:15

Livingtothefull · 22/02/2025 09:59

Your 'D'H has ruined your volunteering role for you OP.

And though I have zero sympathy for the OW, it is notable how he has both of you embroiled in this situation, while he is staying well clear of it all. No wonder he wants you to continue with the charity - heaven forfend that he should be made to look bad. He is happy to see you dragged through some kind of interview/sanctioning process as a direct consequence of his actions. And he wants you to continue with the charity, ie to continue to receive more of the same.

And btw I don't understand why the charity is putting the OP through this quasi-disciplinary process, or what 'sanctions' they think they can impose. This is not an employment situation - the OP is donating her time, effort and skills to the charity who are therefore proposing to put her through an upsetting and stressful process, and on her own time?? And she doesn't have to give notice - she can walk away any time she likes.

Volunteer arrangements are binding only in honour and goodwill. I don't see any honour or goodwill in how the OP is being treated by any of the parties involved.

Sanctions are just their way of phrasing it. It will mean they will either terminate the OPs volunteering opportunity or will impose restrictions on her within the role. They are going through a process because its fairer to the parties concerned to let them have their say rather than just make an arbitrary decision. Its for the benefit of the volunteer. Remember, they have recieved a complaint from another volunteer of threats if she doesn't comply with OPs demand. This has to be taken seriously on principle. What if the OP had threatened to expose the affair if the OW hadn't stolen charity funds for her, for example? It's the principle. The charity appears to be acting within procedure. Their role isnt to judge people on the basis of whether they were the OW or wronged wife, only on the conduct relevent to the charity.

Livingtothefull · 22/02/2025 10:16

ItTook9Years · 22/02/2025 10:04

The OP isn’t leaving though. And her behaviour has led to a complaint being upheld. They can’t just turn a blind eye.

sanctions could include demotion, restriction of duties, removal from the charity, warnings not to do it again.

Edited
Show quote history

The OP stated she wanted to stop volunteering, though her 'D'H was trying to persuade her not to.

The charity may feel the need to deal with a complaint - but the approach should be very different from one involving employees. You can't impose 'sanctions' such as demotion or restriction of duties, - this is not a contractual employment relationship with an obligation to comply with the terms. The only option is to continue with the volunteering, or for either of the parties to end the volunteering relationship if they so choose.

Goldbar · 22/02/2025 10:21

I would stop volunteering and step away now. You're not being paid for this and it's too much hassle and you don't want to have to explain your personal circumstances any further. There is no upside for you in staying. You can volunteer for another charity advancing the same aims without your DH there to mess it up for you.

Your DH has zero say in this and should keep his mouth firmly shut.

Whatevershallidowithmylife · 22/02/2025 10:21

Firstly, you are quite clearly the one who has been wronged in terms of their betrayal however without seeing the whole text conversations its impossible to tell where you went wrong. Where you've said "I also said that if she continued being the way she was I would take it further in the organisation and that she couldn’t deny the relationship because I have photos of their conversations". reads as blackmail for want of a better term. Either she needs to leave or you do and if you leaving means the end of the charity so be it.

ProfessionalPirate · 22/02/2025 10:21

Franjipanl8r · 22/02/2025 08:26

This is for you to resolve with your DH. He is the one who’s been unfaithful here.

How is resolving anything with her DH going to impact on her present difficulties with the charity she volunteers for, which is the problem she is asking help for from this thread?

diddl · 22/02/2025 10:24

Op, why can't you just stop volunteering if that is what you want?

Why can't you just walk away?

5128gap · 22/02/2025 10:26

Livingtothefull · 22/02/2025 10:16

The OP stated she wanted to stop volunteering, though her 'D'H was trying to persuade her not to.

The charity may feel the need to deal with a complaint - but the approach should be very different from one involving employees. You can't impose 'sanctions' such as demotion or restriction of duties, - this is not a contractual employment relationship with an obligation to comply with the terms. The only option is to continue with the volunteering, or for either of the parties to end the volunteering relationship if they so choose.

Show quote history

You can absolutely demote or restrict duties of volunteers. However it's best not to use that type of language. It's generally referred to as 'offering a more suitable alternative role within the organisation'. The volunteer can of course take it or leave it.

Convolvulus · 22/02/2025 10:26

5128gap · 22/02/2025 10:15

Sanctions are just their way of phrasing it. It will mean they will either terminate the OPs volunteering opportunity or will impose restrictions on her within the role. They are going through a process because its fairer to the parties concerned to let them have their say rather than just make an arbitrary decision. Its for the benefit of the volunteer. Remember, they have recieved a complaint from another volunteer of threats if she doesn't comply with OPs demand. This has to be taken seriously on principle. What if the OP had threatened to expose the affair if the OW hadn't stolen charity funds for her, for example? It's the principle. The charity appears to be acting within procedure. Their role isnt to judge people on the basis of whether they were the OW or wronged wife, only on the conduct relevent to the charity.

Show quote history

There is a quantum difference between warning that, if a fellow volunteer doesn't stop behaving badly to you as a volunteer, you will follow the complaints process designed for that purpose, and threatening them in order to get them to do something illegal. The warning was simply aimed at giving the OW a fair chance to resolve the problem there and then without having to involve anyone else, not pushing her to commit a crime. I really don't understand why people on this thread don't understand that giving due warning is not making a threat.

Negroany · 22/02/2025 10:34

If a charity can collapse due to one volunteer leaving, that volunteer should be an employee.

Anyway, leave, and leave your abusive husband.

5128gap · 22/02/2025 10:37

Convolvulus · 22/02/2025 10:26

There is a quantum difference between warning that, if a fellow volunteer doesn't stop behaving badly to you as a volunteer, you will follow the complaints process designed for that purpose, and threatening them in order to get them to do something illegal. The warning was simply aimed at giving the OW a fair chance to resolve the problem there and then without having to involve anyone else, not pushing her to commit a crime. I really don't understand why people on this thread don't understand that giving due warning is not making a threat.

Show quote history

The OP didn't warn her not to behave in a certain way. She told her not to attend a meeting. She messaged her saying if she didn't comply she would take it further and that she had photos of the affair messages. That's a world a way from 'Sylvia if you don't stop doing X,Y or Z (specific inappropriate behaviour) I will have to make a formal complaint about X, Y and Z (specific inappropriate behaviour)' OP made it clear she would reveal the affair in all its embarrassing explicit glory if the OW attended the meeting. That's is absolutely a threat.

Livingtothefull · 22/02/2025 10:38

5128gap · 22/02/2025 10:15

Sanctions are just their way of phrasing it. It will mean they will either terminate the OPs volunteering opportunity or will impose restrictions on her within the role. They are going through a process because its fairer to the parties concerned to let them have their say rather than just make an arbitrary decision. Its for the benefit of the volunteer. Remember, they have recieved a complaint from another volunteer of threats if she doesn't comply with OPs demand. This has to be taken seriously on principle. What if the OP had threatened to expose the affair if the OW hadn't stolen charity funds for her, for example? It's the principle. The charity appears to be acting within procedure. Their role isnt to judge people on the basis of whether they were the OW or wronged wife, only on the conduct relevent to the charity.

Show quote history

I agree that an investigation process may be appropriate - but tbh the process so far, based on what the OP has described, doesn't exactly inspire confidence that it will be fair and even-handed.

The charity may well be following their own procedures - but frankly their procedures (again from what the OP describes) sound crap. It is a little late in the day for the OP to be given an opportunity to put her case, now they have reached their decision and are at the stage of considering what 'sanctions' to impose.

And 'sanctions' may just be their way of phrasing it - but it is utterly inappropriate in this context and they should know better. Phraseology like this is what compromises the volunteering relationship, by implying a mutuality of obligations and exerting control over the individual. Just speculating but if this is how they typically operate it could lead to their volunteers gaining worker/employee status with all the backdated benefits that could ensue.

Porcuporpoise · 22/02/2025 10:42

MellowTiger · 22/02/2025 00:54

I think bullying is a bit excessive. She has been verbally attacking me, I didn’t want this to escalate in person. My ‘threat’ was to follow the complaints process.

Show quote history

So how has her complaint against you been upheld?

Livingtothefull · 22/02/2025 10:42

5128gap · 22/02/2025 10:26

You can absolutely demote or restrict duties of volunteers. However it's best not to use that type of language. It's generally referred to as 'offering a more suitable alternative role within the organisation'. The volunteer can of course take it or leave it.

Show quote history

You can't 'demote' a volunteer or restrict their duties - as there is no contractual role/designated duties to be demoted or restricted from.

whatonearthisgoingonnow · 22/02/2025 10:43

You need to put in a complaint about her ASAP.

Rewis · 22/02/2025 10:44

Regardless of the sanction outcome I want to stop volunteering, but this could lead to the charity closure, so my DH says I should carry on

your husbands opinion is irrelevant. Do I understand correctly that is you were to stop volunteering it could lead to charity closure? That's not a viable charity if it all depends on one person. No need to feel guilty about anything and just quit if you want.

Snowmanscarf · 22/02/2025 10:46

KateShugakIsALegend · 22/02/2025 09:42

Leave the charity, leave the husband.

Neither value you.

Give your energies to people who do.

This

Livingtothefull · 22/02/2025 10:47

Negroany · 22/02/2025 10:34

If a charity can collapse due to one volunteer leaving, that volunteer should be an employee.

Anyway, leave, and leave your abusive husband.

100% agree. It sounds that the charity has been benefiting from the OP's hard work, loyalty and goodwill for years, and is now showing that the loyalty and goodwill is not reciprocated.

And if her 'D'H had any decency, he would be stepping away rather than letting OP be subjected to this.

IfItWasUpToMeIWould · 22/02/2025 10:48

Sugepaper · 22/02/2025 00:13

Well yes, you can’t bully the OW into not attending something with the threat of evidence of an affair. It’s your husband’s fault. Not hers.

What is wrong with you

With respect I’m wondering
‘what is wrong with you’? … saying
“It’s the husbands fault not hers”…
Give your head a shake. It takes two, it’s not just her husband’s fault, and I can’t see any bullying towards the OW going on here. OP is in a very uncomfortable situation, I wouldn’t want to share the same airspace with OW, and DH would need to pack his case and walk too.
Sounds like you’ve been or are an ‘OW’ because you appear to have a very deep understanding and sympathetic attitude of things from that perspective.
A bit of support for OP is what’s needed… if you can manage that.

Porcuporpoise · 22/02/2025 10:49

Livingtothefull · 22/02/2025 10:42

You can't 'demote' a volunteer or restrict their duties - as there is no contractual role/designated duties to be demoted or restricted from.

Show quote history

Thts not true.
Where I work volunteers work to an agreed job role and we have a volunteer policy which makes it clear what they are entitled to in return. They give their time to do x/y/z and in return we promise them a/b/c (support, training, volunteer expenses, that sort of thing).
The difference with paid employees is that they can do as many or as few hours as they wish and can leave tomorrow if they so chose. But they have to sign up to a code of conduct to volunteer with us and can be reprimanded or dismissed if they break it.

spuddy4 · 22/02/2025 10:51

I don't understand why you'd want your private life aired and put yourself through all this stress for a volunteer role. Surely when all this is done everyone is going to know about the affair? If it was me I'd have left my husband and the charity a long time ago with my dignity in tact.

Nanny0gg · 22/02/2025 10:53

I don't understand how you walking away (as a volunteer) will close the charity?

Is it a proper, regulated one? How on earth does it operate?

100percenthagitude · 22/02/2025 10:53

And the answer to my earlier question is "yes" - from other posts it appears that @MellowTiger is a trustee of this charity

Is it really fraud? | Mumsnet

So she should refer to trustee code of conduct and also Nolan Principles in terms of how she behaves and how she has managed this situation and what she does next - am assuming OW is not in such a senior position in the charity?

Mirabai · 22/02/2025 10:54

5128gap · 22/02/2025 10:37

The OP didn't warn her not to behave in a certain way. She told her not to attend a meeting. She messaged her saying if she didn't comply she would take it further and that she had photos of the affair messages. That's a world a way from 'Sylvia if you don't stop doing X,Y or Z (specific inappropriate behaviour) I will have to make a formal complaint about X, Y and Z (specific inappropriate behaviour)' OP made it clear she would reveal the affair in all its embarrassing explicit glory if the OW attended the meeting. That's is absolutely a threat.

Show quote history

Threat vs warning us entirely subjective so this discussion is pointless.

Either way it was very naive of the charity to blunder in to this sensitive situation and put themselves in the position of losing a key member and shutting down. The whole thing should have been handled much more carefully.

Upholding a complaint from an affair partner against the person who has been cheated on and require them to rake over what should have been a private matter in front of 3 people is completely incompetent.

LittleWeasel · 22/02/2025 10:55

The husband is the adulterer cheater and the one breaking his marriage vows, why go after her.

Also being a volunteer is voluntary, you can give up any time and the charity can appeal for other volunteers to take your place.

Mirabai · 22/02/2025 10:57

Porcuporpoise · 22/02/2025 10:49

Thts not true.
Where I work volunteers work to an agreed job role and we have a volunteer policy which makes it clear what they are entitled to in return. They give their time to do x/y/z and in return we promise them a/b/c (support, training, volunteer expenses, that sort of thing).
The difference with paid employees is that they can do as many or as few hours as they wish and can leave tomorrow if they so chose. But they have to sign up to a code of conduct to volunteer with us and can be reprimanded or dismissed if they break it.

Show quote history

And that’s fine if one volunteer has sexually assaulted another etc.

But this was a very sensitive situation that needed careful handling and they seem to have blundered in without much thought.