Volunteering got complicated …..

[MellowTiger]

I didn’t really know how to title this post. My DH & I volunteer for the same charity. He became involved with volunteer (female) -unknown to me this has been off and on for 6 years. It’s mainly s/text and phone/video call but it’s been very explicit & talk of moving in together. I found out & when challenged he ended it.
OW then started to be awkward with me in online meetings etc (we rarely meet F2F). It got to the point where other people commented on it. We were due to meet F2F as a group so I messaged OW saying requesting she didn’t attend (I have to go she doesn’t). I also said that if she continued being the way she was I would take it further in the organisation and that she couldn’t deny the relationship because I have photos of their conversations.
She put in a complaint saying I had threatened her, which has now been upheld and I now have to be interviewed to be sanctioned.
I feel this is really unfair AIBU? This is a personal matter, I was polite and although I see there was 100 ways to word it, I don’t think saying I’ll take it further (meaning a formal complaint) is really a threat. We ended up cancelling the F2F cos I said I wouldn’t go and without me it can’t take place.
Regardless of the sanction outcome I want to stop volunteering, but this could lead to the charity closure, so my DH says I should carry on. I don’t know what to do.

‘Livingtothefull’ is wrong.
I was the operations manager of a very well known charity. They could not function without their wonderful volunteers, circumstances/conduct can result in demotion, dismissal, etc.
Porcuporpoise You are exactly right

Well you did threaten her with showing them the photos. I am totally on your side by the way but I think you handled it badly.

You should have just put in a complaint about the way she was treating you. You shouldn’t have told her not to attend the meeting, it wasn’t your place.

I couldn’t stay in that marriage either.

I think you might have to find a different volunteering role unless you put in a counter complaint. Is there anyone you trust there that can help you?

It is true. And if this is really the phraseology on your policy & it refers to what employees are 'entitled' to and what the organisation 'promises' them in return, that all suggests mutuality of obligation which could well be a risk to your organisation.

It isn't just about working hours and lack of notice (although agree that is part of it). You can ask them to comply with a code of conduct but you have nothing to enforce compliance; other than ending the volunteering arrangement.

The language that relates to this is really important; it is so important to avoid any impression of a binding contract based on the phraseology used. The most a volunteering agreement or policy should do is refer to hopes & expectations, rather than obligations from both parties.

I would quit the charity , don't go to the meeting and get sanctioned. This could blow up horribly if the media gets wind of this , and people stir .

Because she said she’s happy to stop volunteering but her DH is persuading her not to. This whole thing is a DH problem.

Were you not involved in the initial investigation? I'm just wondering if you had any opportunity to explain what happened. Anyway fuck theym, leave and let them close.

Looking at previous history, op is a trustee of this charity. The most senior volunteer role you can take on. So a whole different scenario

Well if they couldn't function without their volunteers then they should have been made employees. You can't demote and dismiss volunteers.

But I don't want to derail this thread so best not to pursue this further.

That OW has a brass neck. Is it her behaviour that makes you want to leave or just her presence? (Understandable either way, though galling for you) Or is it the fact her complaint was upheld? (Without knowing more details, sounds like it could be an error judgement or maybe just their standard procedures)

It's your decision alone so ignore the husband though possibly him wanting you to stay is him taking your side over hers in a way? If the charity ends up closing, we'll, that's just the way the cookie crumbles.

What a complicated self inflicted drama. Why are you putting up with a cheating husband and his mistress in a job you're not even getting paid for?

I'm assuming you're financially dependent on him otherwise it's just sheer masochism.

There must be more than one trustee though, so I doubt the charity will collapse if they resign.

@Livingtothefull Well if they couldn't function without their volunteers then they should have been made employees. You can't demote and dismiss volunteers.

Of course you can. In fact it is recommended good practice to have processes in place. NCVO should know what they are talking about...
https://www.ncvo.org.uk/help-and-guidance/involving-volunteers/supporting-and-managing-volunteers/dismissing-a-volunteer/

Exactly that. Most of those responding on this thread don't seem to have understood that the threat wasn't just that OP would take action if this person attended the meeting. She told her that the action would include telling HR about the affair and showing the photos that she had as proof

How OP can claim that her message wasn't a threat, I really don't know. 'Do what I want or I'll tell them the reason you're mean to me and show them photos/screenshots to prove your affair with my husband' is as clear a threat as they come.

Yes a voluntary organisation CAN dismiss a volunteer, they CAN demote a volunteer. A volunteer has NO employment rights because they are not employees. Please research this and stop repeating incorrect information.

EmmaMaria it’s like speaking to a brick wall getting through to Livingtothefull
They will not have it that you cannot dismiss or demote a volunteer, clearly Livingtothefull is ‘never wrong’ even when the evidence is staring them in the face. So bloody boring and unhelpful to OP.

It is not wrong imo - threatening physical violence is wrong, threatening to tell the truth - well make you sperm filled bed and lie in it I say

Have to agree - if you're from the vol sector then we've all had volunteers like @Livingtothefull 🙄

What you did wrong was threaten to expose their conversations. You should have said please don't attend if you can't communicate professionally with me for the sake of the charity.

However, you would be far better off if you walk away from the charity and the cheating loser husband. He has no respect for you.

So the OP can write the letter in whichever words most accurately reflect what happened 🤷‍♀️

the fact is she’s been treated poorly by all.

by her DH who had the affair
by the OW who is being awkward/hostile/a bully (as you wish)
by the charity who don’t appear to have included her properly in their “investigation”.

shes a volunteer, life is to short - she should leave the lot if them to it.

Threatening to bring the OW personal life into the role isn't just telling the truth. Regardless of how wrong her behaviour with OP's husband was, it had zero to do with the charity. I don't know how so many people on this thread are unable to see this.

As a trustee of this charity, I might even go as far as to say that OP was abusing her position trying to get another volunteer to do as she was told or be outed.

No. I stand by what I think about her. Deliberately not caring about another woman and treating her so poorly deserve harsh language. Treating your wife so poorly also deserves harsh language.

Harassment, bullying and threatening behaviour is not just physical though, and that is a substantiated fact. What so many people seem to be getting confused about is the way the OP acted. Her "issue" was the way that the other volunteer spoke to her. If, as she argues, the behaviour was inappropriate in a business setting, then she could have either:
(a) told the other volunteer that she did not appreciate being spoken to in XYZ way, giving examples, and saying that she expected this behaviour to stop, or
(b) taken the examples of inappropriate behaviour to somebody else in the organisation with appropriate authority and asked them to deal with it as a grievance.

Instead she threatened to disclose private messages and photographs which had absolutely no business being disclosed to a third party if the other woman did not adhere to her wishes. That is a threat. Just because the affair is true does not make disclosing those details and images right, and nor does it make them relevant in this matter. In fact, if the images etc portray half of what I suspect they do, them disclosing them would quite probably be a criminal offence! This is further complicated by the fact that, if she is a trustee of a charity, she is effectively in a position of authority and so her behaviour and the way she deals with this is no different in many ways to that of a manager threatening a subordinate in a workplace.

I beg to differ, having actually run the HR for a national charity with something like 40k volunteers.

I can't understand how a charity will fold if a volunteer leaves it but it has panels and disciplinary procedures.

Harassment and bullying require a pattern of behaviour- in fact the only person that has engaged in anything that looks like harassment and bullying is the OW in this case based on her behaviour towards the op in meetings where other people noticed the behaviour - one conversation where you make a request and assert that if the request is not fulfilled you will sinply tell truth is not bullying or harassment.

In fact it is absolutely appropriate to raise the issue of both the affair and the OWs harassing and bullying behaviour to the charity.

The OW brought her personal life in to the role both with her affair and with her harrassment of the op since then at charity related meetings.

If I were a trustee I would not want the moral rot of a skank like the OW or the cheating POS husband involved in the charity.