Volunteering got complicated …..

[MellowTiger]

I didn’t really know how to title this post. My DH & I volunteer for the same charity. He became involved with volunteer (female) -unknown to me this has been off and on for 6 years. It’s mainly s/text and phone/video call but it’s been very explicit & talk of moving in together. I found out & when challenged he ended it.
OW then started to be awkward with me in online meetings etc (we rarely meet F2F). It got to the point where other people commented on it. We were due to meet F2F as a group so I messaged OW saying requesting she didn’t attend (I have to go she doesn’t). I also said that if she continued being the way she was I would take it further in the organisation and that she couldn’t deny the relationship because I have photos of their conversations.
She put in a complaint saying I had threatened her, which has now been upheld and I now have to be interviewed to be sanctioned.
I feel this is really unfair AIBU? This is a personal matter, I was polite and although I see there was 100 ways to word it, I don’t think saying I’ll take it further (meaning a formal complaint) is really a threat. We ended up cancelling the F2F cos I said I wouldn’t go and without me it can’t take place.
Regardless of the sanction outcome I want to stop volunteering, but this could lead to the charity closure, so my DH says I should carry on. I don’t know what to do.

You should have dealt with the woman's behaviour through the organisation, not directly.

You can still raise a complaint against her. I'd do that, see it through ans then decide whether you still want to be involved in the organisation.

Your husband is an arsehole.

@ItTook9Years

But surely the rules and laws are similar, based on legal. The disciplinary procedure for volunteers is not particularly different, or based on different laws, than employment law. Still the same principles, informal, formal, warnings, dismissal. Etc?

No, OP just wants to leave the charity. How is that ruining the other women's life?

Leaving aside the affair, the other woman began being rude to OP after OP's DH ended their relationship.

Your indignant support for the other woman is misplaced.

Leave the charity, leave the husband.

Neither value you.

Give your energies to people who do.

The problem is you said you would 'take it further'. That could be interpreted as anything from escalating it with the charity (which is what you meant) to hiring a hitman to get rid of her. The issue is that by not specifying what you meant by taking it further you left it open to interpretation, and it could be interpreted as a threat.

Don't take the advice of your cheating husband. Leave the charity if you want. I would also recommend that you leave your DH. He sounds awful.

Please stop using vile misogynistic language, it isn't necessary to get your point across.

The moment you threatened to bring your personal situation into it was when you went wrong. You were quite within your rights to call out her unprofessional behaviour in meetings, but saying you were going to give evidence of her affair with your husband and use something completely unrelated to the organisation to try and keep her away was inappropriate and manipulative. Your husband's affair with her is nothing to do with the charity.

Having been caught in the middle of someone trying to use an affair as a stick to beat someone else with and manipulate them to do their bidding, I can tell you it is a really, really shit place to find yourself and was deeply unhelpful to the organisation it got brought into. I was not the one having the affair, and do not want to go into details.

"You challenged a woman who was being verbally abusive/disruptive "

"Over the past [X months], I have endured verbal and emotional abuse from X"

@DancingNotDrowning

But op only in her later posts claimed this. And she hasn't clarified how the ow was "verbally attacking" her, in meetings.

Essentially, although you are a Volunteer, you were wrong by letting your personal circumstances muddy the professional field.

I think the other posters are suggesting that you should not have contacted her and tried to put her off attending. If anything, that was the time to contact someone in authority and explain the situation to them. That person could then have decided whether it was appropriate to approach the OW about attendance at the meeting.

FWIW, it seems completely unfair that her part in this had meant you are essentially trying to bully her out of her role. It does make things difficult for you yes. But that is because your husband didn’t give a thought to you or the charity whilst he was cheating. He has been caught and you should both walk away from this charity whatever the consequences.

Well, no, it was directed primarily to the woman's behaviour. If she behaved sensibly the issue wouldn't arise at all.

why would you put yourself through attending some kind of panel re sanctioning you from this charity? Why would you continue volunteering with them?? Tell your cheating dh: he’s welcome to go to the panel and clear your name, you aren’t going to put yourself through that solely because he is not only a cheating fucker, but cheats with nasty women who are trying to bully you because he has stayed, you wil lfind something else to do with your time where you don’t have to interact with women he’s cheated with and if the charity folds that would be consequences of your actions and you had better pre pack a bag if you want to blame that on me. Not even one single time, not because he’s mad, not because he’s drunk- blame you once and he can sleep on the street for all you care.

Of course your husband wants you to carry on.
It’s worked out pretty well for him hasn’t it.

I assume he immediately stopped volunteering or changed how he volunteers for it so he’s not in contact with this woman.

Put up a job advert for someone to take over your position and then you can leave without the guilt.

Your relationship has a very odd dynamic.
Not only has your DH been cheating on you, but he’s also encouraging you to continue with the work knowing it means that you have to have a relationship with the OW.
Most people who had cheated and who were begging for forgiveness would be encouraging and helping you leave the charity - not guilt tripping you to stay.

So report her behaviour, leave your husband and find another charity.

She put in a complaint saying I had threatened her, which has now been upheld and I now have to be interviewed to be sanctioned.

I don't really get this bit. You're a volunteer, you don't have to do anything. In your shoes I'd be tempted to say that you made a perfectly reasonable request that this woman behave like a grown-up when working with you on charity matters and you are disappointed that the charity is not prepared to protect you, therefore you are not going to offer yourself up for any sanction. And walk away.

OP I don’t understand why you are giving your husband or the charity (who have both treated you appallingly) any more of your time and dignity?! Ditch them both and give your time to a charity that appreciates you

@MellowTiger You didn't do anything wrong. You may have misworded your message to her. But people are misunderstanding your message.

Do you care enough about the charity to continue?
Maybe ask for the committee who review this to sign a confidentiality agreement. That the review is personal information and should not be used for gossip.
Then if they find against you resign from the charity.
And tell your husband to feck off too. The shitbag.

Exactly. They can’t sanction a volunteer who unvolunteers.

Personally if you don’t want to volunteer anymore I would just walk away from it all, and let them know why. Sounds like way too much stress when you’ve not done anything wrong. Leave them all too their own drama (sounds like a lot of drama when you are volunteers!)

Your 'D'H has ruined your volunteering role for you OP.

And though I have zero sympathy for the OW, it is notable how he has both of you embroiled in this situation, while he is staying well clear of it all. No wonder he wants you to continue with the charity - heaven forfend that he should be made to look bad. He is happy to see you dragged through some kind of interview/sanctioning process as a direct consequence of his actions. And he wants you to continue with the charity, ie to continue to receive more of the same.

And btw I don't understand why the charity is putting the OP through this quasi-disciplinary process, or what 'sanctions' they think they can impose. This is not an employment situation - the OP is donating her time, effort and skills to the charity who are therefore proposing to put her through an upsetting and stressful process, and on her own time?? And she doesn't have to give notice - she can walk away any time she likes.

Volunteer arrangements are binding only in honour and goodwill. I don't see any honour or goodwill in how the OP is being treated by any of the parties involved.

No. There are no laws covering volunteering. Nobody has an inherent right to volunteer just because they want to.

Most charities will have codes of conduct and processes, but no element of it would be covered by law. Charities can’t be taken to court/tribunal for removing the right to volunteer. There is no legal requirement to have stages or warnings.

Have to say, this is what I was thinking too. You are a volunteer - and quite a key one it sounds - and you have to go and be sanctioned and then they expect you (presumably) to continue to give your time and effort for free. The only reason I would feel like attending would be to put your case that you were not threatening her, but asking her to either treat you civilly or not go to the meeting. If they are arsey, then you withdraw your services. TBH I would be doing that anyway.

The OP isn’t leaving though. And her behaviour has led to a complaint being upheld. They can’t just turn a blind eye.

sanctions could include demotion, restriction of duties, removal from the charity, warnings not to do it again.

Is this a religious charity? I’m just trying to understand how the affair was mostly texting and yet there was talk of moving in together? Something is not right.

Regardless, OP: leave the charity and cut ties with anything related to that period in your life. If you and your DH genuinely want to save this relationship, it’s the only way. I don’t even understand why he wants you there, it sounds like a way to keep the OW in your lives.

Look after yourself first and foremost because no one else is doing it. Including your DH, apparently.

I'd do it AT the interview. Go in with the bomb. The avenging Valkyrie but calm. You seem to be surrounded by assholes and idiots. Did the original investigator talk to you before coming to their conclusion? Calmly lay out your facts and proof then resign and leave. Go home and dump your weaselly husband and by dump I mean from a great height onto a hard surface.