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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Rejected by old boss - argh!

208 replies

Greengreengrassblueblueskies · 21/02/2025 23:53

Name changed for this. I’ve spent the evening feeling very sorry for myself!

A few years ago I worked for a very long time for my old boss as his PA. I always did a good job and got great feedback/reviews and when he moved departments we kept in touch (I stayed in my old role as how our company is structured he couldn’t “take me with him”)

We have kept in touch and I’d actually say we are good friends and also colleagues.

He recently got a promotion to a newly created role and internally they advertised for a PA for him. So I applied and interviewed with him (and another person from his team on the panel). I thought I’d be great and a good fit given I know him and I know his new area he’s been promoted to.

And then at 5pm, I got a rejection email from HR. No feedback. Nothing. To make matters worse, we have spoken since the interview (about normal things unrelated to work).

I feel SO sad. I really wanted to work for him again and he always says how much he loved working with me…so why not give me the job?! Ergh.

AIBU for feeling this way?

OP posts:
Ethylred · 23/02/2025 19:04

You are taking this far too personally.

MaddestGranny · 23/02/2025 19:24

Is it that he just wants "a younger model".

It's what men do.

Don't be surprised.
It's not you.
It's them.

Jellybubbamama0987 · 24/02/2025 07:22

I was always told that if you can go out for a drink on Saturday with them and fire them on the Monday then you can be their boss, if however you can’t be that ruthless then you should stay distant. Maybe you’re just too friendly now and he couldn’t do that to you 🤷‍♀️

Nugg · 24/02/2025 07:27

I've been the boss in this situation. It was purely down to the interview on the day. My colleagues name was pretty much on the job however she performed very poorly on the day and assumed we knew what she was capable of. It's all about points. She was blown out of the water by the one other candidate who literally told us what we wanted to hear

On the upside we are still very close friends 5 years on!

Can you just ask HR for feedback for future experiences, rather than him - respond to the email asking for it and take the direct awkwardness out of the equation.

Onemorenamechangeagain · 24/02/2025 07:58

Haven't RTFT so this has probably been suggested already, but is there any possibility he fancies you or has developed "feelings" in some way?

WorthySnail · 24/02/2025 16:35

Hi. It’s OP here but some technical issues mean I can’t get back into the original account. Just thought I’d give an update, it’s all turned a bit sour. I asked for feedback from the generic rejection email (which he was actually copied into, I didn’t notice that on Friday) and essentially didn’t really get given anything constructive. It was just that i performed really well but they chose someone else. So no ways of improving for my next interview etc. just a simple you were good but not good enough.

We also have not spoken personally since this happened. All not great!

I really want to find a great new job and this has knocked me for ten that no one will hire me.

WorthySnail · 24/02/2025 16:35

Onemorenamechangeagain · 24/02/2025 07:58

Haven't RTFT so this has probably been suggested already, but is there any possibility he fancies you or has developed "feelings" in some way?

Absolutely no way!

WorthySnail · 24/02/2025 16:50

Dunkou · 22/02/2025 07:55

It's all a bit intense OP, and I say that as a PA who is close friends with both my managers (worked for them for many years, see them socially, know personal things about each other).

If I left and wasn't rehired later down the line I'd see it as a business decision - I had been too close, or someone else was bringing fresh skills. What I would 100% expect though would be for them to have a conversation with me before receiving a rejection email.

It sounds like he let you apply on the off-chance there was no-one more suitable.

I'd be letting your friendship drift. It's a bit odd already that you speak weekly. Are these conversations genuinely balanced or is it more you listening to him? I was very close to a previous manager, and when I left we would have conversations fairly regularly, as we fully intended to work together again in future. I quickly realised he wasn't interested in me at all, I was just a sounding board for whatever he wanted to talk about. I'd accepted that as a PA, but as a friend...no.

I agree with all of this especially letting the friendship drift. If he didn’t have the guts to speak to me and wouldn’t give me actual feedback, I cannot see our friendship continuing

blueshoes · 24/02/2025 17:49

Maybe he chose a young and attractive candidate and is embarrassed because you would see through it right away and he knew he would be lesser in your eyes.

So the coward just avoids. Hence the generic reply and lack of contact after.

Either way, sounds like a change of scene will be good. The company's loss.

hakunahakuna · 24/02/2025 17:59

I would imagine it is likely to be one of two scenarios:

  1. the successful applicant may have more relevant experience in the area he is now moving to

  2. he feels that you and he are over friendly now and this can be awkward when you are somebody's line manager

I know you must be hurt but just hold your head up high and don't mention it again!

WorthySnail · 24/02/2025 17:59

blueshoes · 24/02/2025 17:49

Maybe he chose a young and attractive candidate and is embarrassed because you would see through it right away and he knew he would be lesser in your eyes.

So the coward just avoids. Hence the generic reply and lack of contact after.

Either way, sounds like a change of scene will be good. The company's loss.

I actually have heard at work who was given the job. I wouldn’t say your description is correct of them (in a nice way!)

WorthySnail · 24/02/2025 18:00

hakunahakuna · 24/02/2025 17:59

I would imagine it is likely to be one of two scenarios:

  1. the successful applicant may have more relevant experience in the area he is now moving to

  2. he feels that you and he are over friendly now and this can be awkward when you are somebody's line manager

I know you must be hurt but just hold your head up high and don't mention it again!

Well we aren’t speaking at all other than the weird email, so I won’t be bringing it up ever 😂

Onemorenamechangeagain · 24/02/2025 18:50

WorthySnail · 24/02/2025 16:35

Hi. It’s OP here but some technical issues mean I can’t get back into the original account. Just thought I’d give an update, it’s all turned a bit sour. I asked for feedback from the generic rejection email (which he was actually copied into, I didn’t notice that on Friday) and essentially didn’t really get given anything constructive. It was just that i performed really well but they chose someone else. So no ways of improving for my next interview etc. just a simple you were good but not good enough.

We also have not spoken personally since this happened. All not great!

I really want to find a great new job and this has knocked me for ten that no one will hire me.

Edited

You can still find that great new job, just maybe not within that organisation. It could well be that your time there has run its course and it's now time to move on. A fresh start can do us the world of good sometimes. Good luck 😊

hakunahakuna · 24/02/2025 18:54

Maybe a bit far fetched, but could it even be that you and he were always very friendly and it has caused problems at home, so he's steering clear of taking you on again as his PA?

WorthySnail · 24/02/2025 19:08

Onemorenamechangeagain · 24/02/2025 18:50

You can still find that great new job, just maybe not within that organisation. It could well be that your time there has run its course and it's now time to move on. A fresh start can do us the world of good sometimes. Good luck 😊

Show quote history

Thank you for this I really needed to hear it today ❤️

workshy46 · 24/02/2025 19:21

You were never getting it. The fact he didn't ask you to apply (given your personal and professional closeness) , or even encourage you shows that was the case. He couldn't tell you not to apply so being blasé was the best he could come up with
No idea why he didn't want you, maybe had someone in mind for it , maybe he didn't think you were that great but liked you, maybe he doesn't want to ruin the friendship but you didn't mess up the interview, you were never in with a shot to begin with

WorthySnail · 24/02/2025 19:22

workshy46 · 24/02/2025 19:21

You were never getting it. The fact he didn't ask you to apply (given your personal and professional closeness) , or even encourage you shows that was the case. He couldn't tell you not to apply so being blasé was the best he could come up with
No idea why he didn't want you, maybe had someone in mind for it , maybe he didn't think you were that great but liked you, maybe he doesn't want to ruin the friendship but you didn't mess up the interview, you were never in with a shot to begin with

Thank you. I was worried about applying for other roles after this rejection but your post has cheered me up.

MarkingBad · 24/02/2025 19:35

@WorthySnail

I agree with @workshy46 that you were never going to get it for the same reasons. It's a shame he hasn't been the friend you thought he was otherwise he'd have contacted you to comiserate, explain, or give you the feedback you asked for at the very least.

I do think now could be a good time to split from your current workplace. If you were thinking of moving departments anyway it may be you have come to a natural stop there. I'm sure another workplace will be an exciting much needed change for you.

PAs are hard to find so you could find yourself snapped up, that'd be a boost! I hope that happens for you.

As for some of the really odd theories of him being a sex maniac gagging for young beautiful women, I love them, they gave me a good laugh but seriously, seriously batshit.

WorthySnail · 24/02/2025 19:38

MarkingBad · 24/02/2025 19:35

@WorthySnail

I agree with @workshy46 that you were never going to get it for the same reasons. It's a shame he hasn't been the friend you thought he was otherwise he'd have contacted you to comiserate, explain, or give you the feedback you asked for at the very least.

I do think now could be a good time to split from your current workplace. If you were thinking of moving departments anyway it may be you have come to a natural stop there. I'm sure another workplace will be an exciting much needed change for you.

PAs are hard to find so you could find yourself snapped up, that'd be a boost! I hope that happens for you.

As for some of the really odd theories of him being a sex maniac gagging for young beautiful women, I love them, they gave me a good laugh but seriously, seriously batshit.

Edited

Thank you so much for this. You are absolutely right. I love being a PA and I’ve been good at it (at least I think so!) for a long time. And I’d love to do that elsewhere. My reason for changing is that I just feel I want a change. I’ve been here for too long.

Yes they did make me laugh those stories, especially the ones that we were having some sordid affair - absolutely NOT.

i just wish he would be honest and talk to me.

MarkingBad · 24/02/2025 20:00

WorthySnail · 24/02/2025 19:38

Thank you so much for this. You are absolutely right. I love being a PA and I’ve been good at it (at least I think so!) for a long time. And I’d love to do that elsewhere. My reason for changing is that I just feel I want a change. I’ve been here for too long.

Yes they did make me laugh those stories, especially the ones that we were having some sordid affair - absolutely NOT.

i just wish he would be honest and talk to me.

Show quote history

Positive new dawn and yes you are fantastic at your job! Don't forget how wonderful you are! It's your opportunity to do something much better.

MrsPeterHarris · 24/02/2025 20:40

Delphiniumandlupins · 22/02/2025 01:19

Even if you are applying for a job with a friend, if it's a moderately sized business with an HR department, communication should be through HR. That's why your rejection email came from them and it would have been inappropriate for him to have contacted you first. Also, the interviews should have been scored, in a way that can be checked if necessary, and it seems another candidate has scored higher than you. It is difficult to interview with people who know you well. If you ask for feedback that should go to HR.

I completely agree with this!

In addition, It's very hard to IV with someone you know well as often people don't give the best answers as they expect the other person knows them already. I always tell people I'm interviewing that I know already, to pretend they don't know me as I can only score on what's said at interview - so you may not have interviewed to your best Op (meaning that kindly).

Be professional, ask for feedback & move forward. Don't let it affect your friendship / friendly professionalism. It's hard now but you'll be fine.

WorthySnail · 24/02/2025 20:42

MrsPeterHarris · 24/02/2025 20:40

I completely agree with this!

In addition, It's very hard to IV with someone you know well as often people don't give the best answers as they expect the other person knows them already. I always tell people I'm interviewing that I know already, to pretend they don't know me as I can only score on what's said at interview - so you may not have interviewed to your best Op (meaning that kindly).

Be professional, ask for feedback & move forward. Don't let it affect your friendship / friendly professionalism. It's hard now but you'll be fine.

Show quote history

Thank you so much. The feedback was very positive from HR so I’m still very confused!

hdhdme · 24/02/2025 20:52

Jesus sounds like your in love him and obsessing over this, crossed way too many boundaries for a work professional relationship and that's probably why he didn't hire you. Take a step back and read how you come accross in this thread. It's slightly needy and unhinged.

WorthySnail · 24/02/2025 20:52

hdhdme · 24/02/2025 20:52

Jesus sounds like your in love him and obsessing over this, crossed way too many boundaries for a work professional relationship and that's probably why he didn't hire you. Take a step back and read how you come accross in this thread. It's slightly needy and unhinged.

Ok.

hakunahakuna · 25/02/2025 01:02

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but do you think you may be a little too full on for him!