Rejected by old boss - argh!

[Greengreengrassblueblueskies]

Name changed for this. I’ve spent the evening feeling very sorry for myself!

A few years ago I worked for a very long time for my old boss as his PA. I always did a good job and got great feedback/reviews and when he moved departments we kept in touch (I stayed in my old role as how our company is structured he couldn’t “take me with him”)

We have kept in touch and I’d actually say we are good friends and also colleagues.

He recently got a promotion to a newly created role and internally they advertised for a PA for him. So I applied and interviewed with him (and another person from his team on the panel). I thought I’d be great and a good fit given I know him and I know his new area he’s been promoted to.

And then at 5pm, I got a rejection email from HR. No feedback. Nothing. To make matters worse, we have spoken since the interview (about normal things unrelated to work).

I feel SO sad. I really wanted to work for him again and he always says how much he loved working with me…so why not give me the job?! Ergh.

AIBU for feeling this way?

😂absolutely not!! Gosh I just wanted some support on this thread! Not to be accused of having an affair with him.

Thank you.

Take a huge step back and wait for him to get in touch - if he does.

Do not cry or ask for feedback. Definitely never cry in a professional environment!

FWIW, I think he rejected you because he wanted someone less close. A PA who is just a PA. No blurred boundaries.

I have to agree with this.

Sorry I only asked whether you have been intimately involved because your comment about “it could ruin us” is so personal.

OP I am really sorry to have to say this but there is a reason he didn't take you with him when he moved last time. As you have said the manager gets to decide who is appointed and if he had wanted to take you with him he would have found a way to do so.
Maybe his wife feels you got too close, maybe he had some issue with your work, maybe he is just 'fake'.
I would ask HR for feedback, however, the fact he didn't tell you himself tells you all you need to know.
I am really sorry OP it is a horrible situation and it is hurtful. Unfortunately sometimes you have to stop believing what people tell you and start believing what their actions show you.

I agree with this, no way would I ask for feedback I would just move on

It's likely be a perfectly logical reason as to why another candidate got the PA job ahead of you.

The fact that you are so emotionally invested in the relationship with your boss possibly indicates that the communication is too personal and not professional enough.

Hang in there and go for other promotions; you'll be successful soon hopefully.

Your old boss owes you nothing but a business like response. as to why you were not the perfect fit for the job this time.

Apply for feedback as if he is any other boss within the company..

Hmm, I'm pretty sure the vast majority of people would consider how competent the candidate had been when doing the actual role in question.

But I do appreciate that people can also be complacent in these types of scenario.

Apply for feedback as if he is any other boss within the company.

I really don't think this would be possible. He would be embarrassed, as would @Greengreengrassblueblueskies .

Just move on.

Agreed with pp about having strong boundaries at work.

I was burned previously from a work collaboration. I wasn't even working for him but my input can make a huge difference to his project. He was nice to me, compliments all round etc but when it comes to actual work benefits to share, the person he chosen was someone who has no inputs but could elevate his profile more. I was livid but said nothing and slowly drop off and contribute to other projects instead. This person actually got the cheek to demand my inputs to his next project, which I gladly declined. Maybe in his mind he actually thought that he has done nothing wrong but people like this are the majority at work.

Op stop being his work 'friend' anymore - is not reciprocated.

In the interview set up OP described I tend to agree that he would have had overall say and I can see why OP took it personally, because bottom line he didn't choose her. Maybe OP is reading too much into their work relationship (in a professional capacity).

Even if you are applying for a job with a friend, if it's a moderately sized business with an HR department, communication should be through HR. That's why your rejection email came from them and it would have been inappropriate for him to have contacted you first. Also, the interviews should have been scored, in a way that can be checked if necessary, and it seems another candidate has scored higher than you. It is difficult to interview with people who know you well. If you ask for feedback that should go to HR.

Hi similar thing happened to an old friend of mine. Her boss moved on, they became friends - close friends, old boss had vacancy for direct report, my friend went for it and didn’t get it

My friend took it very very badly, and wouldn’t speak to the old boss for months. But old boss explained that on balance friend wasn’t right for the role and there was a stronger candidate. I think it took quite a bit of guts for her to be so honest especially as it could have meant the friendship wouldn’t recover. But I’m pleased to say it did. Friend got over it in time. Old boss was honest and maintained friendship, and their friendship did recover and remains strong

i can understand the sting of rejection but all is not lost. I do think to move on though you need an honest conversation about why you were not given the role

good luck

You’re not being pathetic, OP. I would feel very hurt too.

PP have given plenty of possible reasons for his decision. As the mafia boss in The Godfather said, it’s not personal, it’s strictly business.

Maybe it’s time to seek another job, for a change of scene? I hope you find something you really enjoy, but don’t take to heart too much.

Could he have the hots for the candidate he hired?

I'd only ask for feedback if you would do that for ant job you didn't get. Overall you need to separate the personal and professional relationship - which it appears he has done. There is no need for either of you to feel embarrassed - it's just a job and there would be a range of reasons he felt the successful candidate was a better fit for the role.

Honestly I’d say it’s the over familiarity, it’s much easier to have someone who isn’t a friend work for you as expectations are different.

You sound far too enmeshed.

I can understand someone wanting to have a more professional relationship with their PA, instead of someone that is a friend.

I can also understand him not being keen to personally deliver interview feedback as I suspect he knew it wouldn’t be well received.

I'm wondering if he's given the role to his mistress!

Sorry OP I understand your disappointment but you do sound very invested in your relationship with this man. I'd find that really uncomfortable were I him. Your reaction to the rejection is more than just not getting a role you were interested in, it's genuinely hurt you and yet you must have realised there was always a chance you wouldn't get it. Had he wanted to keep you as a PA when he first moved roles he'd have fought tooth and nail to take you with him. Sorry that can be HTH and hindsight is perfect, it sounds like you got caught up in a lot of excitement he didn't share.

You can't cross the same river twice. Working with the same people again or going back to old workplaces can be difficult. Its probably for the best.

Ask for feedback if you feel it would be beneficial but make sure you are prepared to hear something you may not like or get the feeling you are being lied to by someone you thought of as a friend.

I'd take a good step back from this friendship too, you are quite involved, it's a work friendship there needs to be some professional distance.

I don't like to work with friends. That could just be me. I think it will change the dynamic for the team for other team members if my interaction with the hire was anything other than professional. I would also find it difficult to have the usual managerial hard conversations, even if it is about merit increases and bonuses.

Prefer to keep my personal and work life separate.

Would this be asked if a woman was hiring a man?

Absolutely if the situation is as OP describes. However I think the work relationship either got too close and the boss would feel awkward now telling OP what to do after just being friends in the interim, or is aware that she has stronger feelings for him than is perhaps professional and chatting once a week about kids and world events is very different to working closely with that person day to day.

Depends on the circumstance but yes.I've known plenty of people who hire on attractiveness of both sexes.

It's utterly stupid but there you go most people choose interviewees they are attracted to rather than their merit and experience. That's why there are scoring mechanisms in recruitment in larger companies, weed out the interviewers who lose their heads over a pretty young woman or a strapping young lad.

Oh, so sorry. That just sucks.

I'd probably back off from him completely, for my own peace of mind. No request for feedback and no more friendship-like connection. Or at least leave it to him to contact you. And if he doesn't, take that to mean it's no longer a connection worth bothering with. Just my opinion, though. Best wishes to you.