Rejected by old boss - argh!

[Greengreengrassblueblueskies]

Name changed for this. I’ve spent the evening feeling very sorry for myself!

A few years ago I worked for a very long time for my old boss as his PA. I always did a good job and got great feedback/reviews and when he moved departments we kept in touch (I stayed in my old role as how our company is structured he couldn’t “take me with him”)

We have kept in touch and I’d actually say we are good friends and also colleagues.

He recently got a promotion to a newly created role and internally they advertised for a PA for him. So I applied and interviewed with him (and another person from his team on the panel). I thought I’d be great and a good fit given I know him and I know his new area he’s been promoted to.

And then at 5pm, I got a rejection email from HR. No feedback. Nothing. To make matters worse, we have spoken since the interview (about normal things unrelated to work).

I feel SO sad. I really wanted to work for him again and he always says how much he loved working with me…so why not give me the job?! Ergh.

AIBU for feeling this way?

Things move on. Perhaps he wants a new start and to do things differently with a new PA.
Perhaps he doesn't want comfortable.
You know too much?

I’m sorry OP that you are feeling the disappointment. I hope you take time out for yourself to do something nice.

I wouldn’t reach out to the boss personally. I would ask for feedback via the proper feedback channels and move forward.

Best of luck.

Sorry if this has already been suggested, I have RTWT, bit could be political? I've known people not take someone with amothercteam as they they think it will caue tensions/upset that person's current boss.

Alternatively, he might be worried about how it might look to other people if you're quite close? Like there's something else going on?

Why is it bosses need help managing their personal diaries?

Understood they have busy work days filled with separate duties etc, but in the case of dentists, anniversaries, school plays, how can anyone in 2025 not know how to operate alarms and notifications on a calendar on their phone?! Fair enough very old ppl who may be techno-phobes, but that isn’t the majority of bosses these days.

That smacks of a sense of entitlement the job title brings and lack of priorities regarding family life, which speaks volumes. Anyone can check their phone last thing at night or first thing in the morning for what the next day/week has in store for them and plan accordingly. Likewise ask Janice to give you the nod when it’s 4:30pm if phones aren’t allowed in that setting etc. but at least be aware of what your personal commitments are!

To believe bosses never look at their phones at all during the working day is ridiculous.

Your reaction is understandable OP, and I’d probably feel the same but it also explains why you wouldn’t have been a good choice.

how would he manage appraisals and all the other stuff that comes with the job?

Obviously it’s rubbish you didn’t get the job but it could be for any number of reasons, I wouldn’t worry about that.

What IS terrible, is that he didn’t call you personally to let you know?! Any time I’ve interviewed someone I know, I have always called them to let them know they didn’t get it and offer to meet to give feedback. He’s a dick for letting you find out from HR.

But yes this. I’d reign it right back to professional chat only and ask for feedback via HR.

That is a very narrow view of a PA. My PA does all kinds of organisational, preparation, analytical work, HR, management of other admin staff.

I wouldn’t be allowed to do that as an interviewer. You have to base the scores on the answers given.

I was referring to a PERSONAL diary - which I took to mean the boss’s physical/mental and familial responsibilities and commitments. This is why I was seeking clarification as to why they couldn’t manage that aspect on their own.

Are you able to broach it with him in a more ‘Oi mate why didn’t you want me as your PA?” I mean if you're just mates now you can ask him in a really informal way can’t you? You don’t need to make it heavy and serious (and awkward).

This process is like exams. You can have deep knowledge and skill in a specific area but due to nerves or external circumstances have a bad exam or interview - and someone who happens to do well in exams or interview well does better, despite being less suitable or accomplished. It’s a shame it’s based on such a short amount of time as that can never give the actual representation of the person, who may be an introvert but highly skilled. I guess it’s to avoid accusations of favouritism.

And that's exactly why she didn't get the job- the boundaries are now blurred.

Working for friends is not good long term. I’d try to see this keeping your personal and professional life Seperate.

@Notsosure1 a PA needs to have complete oversight of a personal diary so that they don't put meetings in that clash. How much of it they actually manage (making the appointments, giving reminders) depends on the role.

OP already clarified it was board positions and non-exec Director appointments, not dentist etc.

I know but now it’s done if they are good friends she should be able to ask him informally, even light heartedly (even if she feels hurt). I guess it depends how much she wants to retain the friendship.

Maybe he just wanted a change? Maybe working with you would feel like going backwards?
I was a PA to my old boss and were still in touch now and friends. We had a great dynamic, and I loved working with him. However, if he was advertising for a PA now, I wouldn't go for it. It's hard to explain why, but I kind of feel like I've been there, done that. It would feel like a step backwards somehow.
Also, the fact that we've kept in touch as friends means that our relationship has now shifted. Before we were colleagues who got on brilliantly and now we are friends. I'd actually find it awkward to work for him again, and so would he, purely because we're friends. I, myself, have line navaged a friends, and I didn't like it
Finally, this other candidate may be particularly impressive. Much as my old boss thinks I'm great, I can easily imagine him being dazzled by someone else and be excited by working with them. I wouldn't take it personally.

I have to agree with this.

Also in the past - if I wanted someone in my team. I would approach them and strongly encourage them to apply.

Perhaps in this case, you may have been slightly presumptuous?

Some people are not up to giving negative feedback. He just didn’t want you to be his PA again because for whatever reason. Take it on the chin and move on. Don’t judge him for it (or judge him
if you must, he won’t care). He sees you as a professional connection he doesn’t owe anything to, which us fair enough because people shouldn’t compromise professional lives for the sake of being ‘nice’.

Gosh, what a tricky situation. I absolutely wouldn't blame you for feeling hurt though. It's a perfectly valid human response. And he should have followed up the interview with a personal call. I can't believe you've spoken since and he has completely sidestepped it!
Honestly, men and their ability to compartmentalise.

Haven't read all the responses but can appreciate how upsetting this must be for you, OP. I work freelance in a creative industry where it's quite common to become mates with people you're working for, and I've had the experience of someone I've known for years/now count as a good friend (ie going out for dinner together, know each others' families level close) decide to hire someone else for a project I wanted myself.

It does sting, but you need to remember that this is business and people have to make professional decisions. In my case, I was comfortable enough to be able to say to my friend/colleague 'oh I was a bit disappointed not to be hired on that' the next time we met. She was able to explain the rationale behind her decision, and it was all fine.

It doesn't sound like you are quite that level of 'close' with your ex-boss, so I would just ask for feedback from HR in the first instance. If that doesn't bring enough clarity you could just breezily bring it up with him at a later date.

I'm sure you'll feel better in a few days...onwards!

You say it has been a few years since you worked for/with him. Maybe he needs a different skillset from his PA now to the one you have, maybe he feels uncomfortable appointing someone who he is now in regular contact with totally outside work, both for how nepotistic it looks and also because of the difficulty inherent in managing friends.

If you want to maintain the friendship, just let this go.

My guess would be that, perhaps unconsciously, you thought you would be the natural choice for the role, so didn't go as all-out in your interview prep as someone who was unknown to the Director and really threw all they had at it.

Ask for feedback - if possible, from someone other than the Director - it might be surprisingly useful.

Remember as well that someone you have previously worked with will know your weaknesses - everyone has them. In some ways you are at a disadvantage because an unknown candidate has a much wider bullshittting and embellishment field. You can't overstate your contribution to a success in your previous role as a PA because he will know exactly what you did and didn't do, but someone else hasn't that limitation and can freely present themselves in the most favourable possible light.

Are you married? Is he married? Is there a possibility he “likes” you and therefore doesn’t want to work too closely with you?

I don’t think I would want someone as a PA that I was friendly with. It’s so much easier and less complicated if work relationships are wholly professional. It’s much harder to be demanding of, or bollock, a friend. I wonder if you’re a bit too attached to him which may make him feel uncomfortable.

It may be nothing to do with your standard of work.