Rejected by old boss - argh!

[Greengreengrassblueblueskies]

Name changed for this. I’ve spent the evening feeling very sorry for myself!

A few years ago I worked for a very long time for my old boss as his PA. I always did a good job and got great feedback/reviews and when he moved departments we kept in touch (I stayed in my old role as how our company is structured he couldn’t “take me with him”)

We have kept in touch and I’d actually say we are good friends and also colleagues.

He recently got a promotion to a newly created role and internally they advertised for a PA for him. So I applied and interviewed with him (and another person from his team on the panel). I thought I’d be great and a good fit given I know him and I know his new area he’s been promoted to.

And then at 5pm, I got a rejection email from HR. No feedback. Nothing. To make matters worse, we have spoken since the interview (about normal things unrelated to work).

I feel SO sad. I really wanted to work for him again and he always says how much he loved working with me…so why not give me the job?! Ergh.

AIBU for feeling this way?

You may never get a clear reason. Yo be honest i find the idea of his having a private diary very weird. I deal with a lot of very senior executives and that is not a thing any more.

Like the old days when secretaries picked up their bosses dry cleaning or picked up flowers for their wife

Is up to you @Greengreengrassblueblueskies but I would let him contact me first and express how this rejection has tainted the relationship. Not so much the job but more how he dealt with the aftermath of not giving you the job.

Oh gosh it’s nothing like that! By personal I meant (I can’t be too outing) but stuff such as being on Boards and Non Exec stuff. Rather than his Ocado and his dry cleaning!

I'm sorry you're so disappointed OP, but sadly, in the workplace it seems that there are very few people who are genuine in my opinion. It used to upset me that when I changed job, my old colleagues would all say, 'oh, we must keep in touch', but then never did. Then, as the years have gone by, and I've changed jobs more and more, I've realised that people that you work with, and feel like are great friends rarely are, they are just friends of the moment, but mostly all you have in common is the work that you do, and the people that you work with. For example, if you had met many of your current colleagues before you went to work with them, the chances of you actually hitting it off, and becoming life long friends, would actually be incredibly slim, but because you're thrown together, doing the same type of work, and spend many hours a week together, you have to find a way to get on, but many of these people wouldn't give you the time of day 5 years after changing jobs. So I guess what I'm saying is, that your old boss probably liked and appreciated you while you were working closely together, but in the time between then and now, he has worked with other people, and as PP's have said, probably had someone else in mind who he thought would be just as good or better at the job than you. Then because you felt so confident that you would get the job, because you'd worked well with him in the past, you probably came across as being a bit too sure of yourself, and that may have sealed your fate I'm afraid.

Has he actually mentioned this to the OP or simply using the rejection email to inform the OP? I think that's the difference.

I totally agree with this. Perhaps now I’ve got the rejection it’ll be very awkward. For now the conversation has ended naturally (a few days ago) but no comms since the HR rejection.

We haven’t spoken since the rejection.

I can't quote you OP because I'm on the app but you asked how the relationship worked out: the answer is it is still strong and I've subsequently given that person another role (some years later). I think this was because of how well they handled it. They asked for feedback but fully accepted the decision I suspect that wasn't their initial emotion but they didn't show me anything other than professionalism and I acknowledged that this was a tough situation. We've gone on to have a strong relationship and one of the things I admire most about them is the way they handled what could have been a tricky situation. By all means feel your emotions but at the end of the day he had to make the best decision he could in the circumstances. When following up, if you can try and keep this in mind.

Thank you so much for this. I’m going to keep reminding myself of this! I’m going to perhaps say something along the lines of I understand it’s an awkward situation, but there was a better candidate and I accept that and would like some feedback. Even if I’m slightly lying as I’m very upset still!

Re the person who said he should have told the OP, I'm not sure. I really went backwards and forth on this and in the end I thought getting a call from me would be too cruel. The person would have thought I was calling to give them the job. They would likely have cried in front of me which I knew they would not want to do. I thought an email, followed by a conversation when they'd had time to process was the kindest thing to do.

I 100% would have cried if he phoned me and told me. I’d have seen his name and assumed he was giving me the job and wouldn’t have been able to hide my emotions

It’ll be interesting to see what I presume SHE looks like

Sending you best wishes OP You sounds really squared away and like you are trying to be really sensible about a difficult situation. You'll get through this. Take the weekend to feel sad about it then hold your head up high and remember that you have huge amounts to offer and there will be other opportunities. .

Sorry who do you mean She? As in me? I am certainly not very attractive at all!

It does sound as though there was/is quite a personal friendship and perhaps he wanted some more professional footings in place going forward. Even your assumptions that you were the correct candidate and you would have cried if he had rung you personally to tell you you didn’t get the job.

I remember those days, I once got sent out by my manager to get a valentines card for his wife!

Hi it was me who mentioned he should have a discussion with the OP.

There've been no contact from him except a official rejection email from the HR. I do think this is a shoddy way to treat someone you have a weekly chat with. Regardless of how awkward the conversation could be, you either pick up the phone or even better meet the op in person to discuss this rejection.

Thank you for taking the time to reply and give your advice and guidance! I assure you before posting this I had already thought of messages to send and things to say to him but stopped because I knew it’d ruin us. And then reading your messages summarised that! I need to feel sad and let it out but be professional in front of him and realise it’s not easy on him either. You know I spent a lot of time today wondering why he didn’t call me and I had to hear from our generic HR email and your post was so helpful in helping me understand. I really would’ve gotten my hopes up if he phoned and then had a very emotional reaction that I wouldn’t have wanted him to hear.

Not you, OP, the person who got the job. Call me overly cynical - maybe I’ve read too many threads on this forum but when the DH/P make a new ‘work friend’ that they become a bit too involved with it’s a woman and a lot younger, it’s not a stretch that a boss would prefer to work with someone he was more sexually attracted to. I may be way off if he’s hired good old reliable Harold who’s been in the business 25 years….

I really don’t think this is true for him and not the way he or any people in my organisation would think.

Yes I absolutely would have cried! But even if it wasn’t him telling me!

That’s a lovely thought. But I’m sure ppl thought that about the high ups in OXFAM

edited to add ‘that’

Sorry you're feeling rubbish OP

I agree with pps who say ultimately work is work.

People say nice platitudes all the time.

I'm wary of taking on the role as "work wife" , confidante and friend to men in the workplace as these cosy chats rarely translate to having my best interests at heart.

I don't think he'll feel he owes you an explanation at all, or that he's done anything wrong? You see him as an equal/close friend because of your conversations. He doesn't mirror this back at you.

I know someone who was a (superstar) PA who loved her job, went the extra mile.

As soon as she needed some significant compassionate leave during a busy period she was harshly reminded she was a subordinate and not a friend.

This obviously isn't ideal right now, but it's a fairly soft landing compared to being backstabbed by perfectly nice work "friends" which happens often.

You're lucky if you haven't encountered this before!

Perhaps you could look to get to a situation where you prioritise yourself, and only look to move for more pay and opportunities?

I wouldn’t want a friend as a PA even if they were the best person for the job. It blurs too many boundaries for me, particularly if you are dealing with his personal matters too.

You say you had thought of things to say and respond but stopped because you knew “it would ruin us” This is all way too personal. Are you actually having an intimate relationship with him?