To have told him 30 mins late to pick me up pissed me off?

[Ohsoitsokkkk]

Boyfriend usually picks me up after work as I moved closer to him and moved in so my my commute is very long, he’s never had an issue of doing this and he’s said multiple times don’t pay for taxis I will get you. He usually does it about twice a week, it’s less than a ten minute drive to my work.

The thing is, he is always late - I can think of at least 4 times this year he has been late. There’s always some issue like traffic jams or his mum rang him etc etc. I have put it down to bad time management and tried to get over it.

Today I asked him to get me at 5pm. He is a teacher so off work this week. He said he would, and that he was going to see his friend who lives close to where I work so would be there on time. I rang him at 5 to 5 saying I had been to the pharmacy and could he pick me up from there instead (a 5 min drive from his friend). He said yes no problem see you soon. It got to 5-15 and I was feeling a little irked but tried to just let it go. At 5-20 he rang me and said “so sorry, I left my phone at my friends so had to drive back and get it and then there was a traffic jam. I’ll be 5 minutes”

He arrived 15 minutes later. I said I was pissed off that he was late and the traffic wasn’t that bad. He said “so you think I left you there intentionally”. I just said yes. He said “fuck this” and sped down the road nearly crashing into another car with me in with him, I told him to slow down.

He said he was doing me a favour and I should be grateful he picked me up. He’s not spoken to me all evening.

I do a lot for him, I pay most bills and lend him quite a bit of money when he needs. I make more than him and buy us nice stuff. I cook every meal.

Aibu?

Stop doing so much for him, and stop subsidising him. Actions have consequences, but in the great scheme of things a quarter of an hour late isn't too bad, half an hour is pushing it.

Well, you might possibly be U in staying with him. He has his life improve nicely but shows little sign of reciprocating.

You can do better elsewhere.

Tell him to get you half an hour before you actually need him to

Out of nosiness, if he picks you up 2 days a week, how do you get home the rest of the week? If you had taken the “other” transport, would it have been quicker than waiting for him if you’d known he would be 35 mins late?

More importantly, if you pay most bills, how come you often have to lend him large sums of money? How much money does he borrow? Has he always paid you back?

For me the speeding would be the worst part of this. I'm fairly relaxed about disorganisation, but not about adults who can't control their temper.

If this sort of thing annoys you so much OP, then I'd be asking myself if we're really suited, as irritating habits tend to grate more the longer you're with someone. I've generally found that people who are bad time keeps don't tend to change, so ask yourself how big a problem this actually is, and also if he has any others that you find annoying.

You also need to discuss fair distribution of bills and finances, as even though you're earning more than him, it does sound like you may be doing too much.

If it was a one off occurrence then it would be forgivable.
But if he is regularly late he is treating you with contempt. He is showing you that he doesn't value you.
I would be rethinking the relationship.

Does he work?

Yes, the OP said he's a teacher.

Well he is doing you a favour OP. Just because he tells you not to get a taxi, doesn't mean you can't.

The rest of it, well you sound bonkers if you enjoy paying the bills, lending him money and doing all the cooking.

But each to their own I guess.

Tell him from now on it's 50/50 and put the money you save towards driving lessons.

100% this. I wouldn't go near an adult who cannot control their temper like this.

Where's the red flag guy??

Always late - creating a dependency on him then leaving you hanging. Broken promises.

sped down the road nearly crashing into another car with me in with him. Toxic

He said he was doing me a favour and I should be grateful he picked me up. Toxic

He’s not spoken to me all evening. Toxic

I told him to slow down. - did he??

His actions have already subconsciously told you you're not his priority- again toxic manipulation.

This is major red flag territory.
Very toxic behaviours.
Aggressive behaviour to scare you
Not responding when you tell him to slow down
Manipulative tactics - "You should be thankful"

I'm sorry but if you look in other areas of you life, he's exhibiting toxic behaviours.

Google:
"You should be thankful to me" is considered toxic because it implies a manipulative expectation of constant gratitude, often dismissing the other person's feelings and potentially creating a power imbalance where they feel obligated to constantly express appreciation, even when not warranted, making the relationship feel unhealthy and one-sided.
Key points about why this phrase is toxic:
Lack of empathy:
It disregards the other person's perspective and struggles, suggesting they should simply be grateful without acknowledging their own challenges.
Control tactic:
By constantly reminding someone to be thankful, the speaker can try to control their behavior and emotions, making them feel indebted.

He insists I shouldn’t get a taxi, when I’ve been working from 5am - 5pm, I just want to get home. He works 3 days a week and picks me up on the days he doesn’t work. I’m not going to spend £10 on a taxi when he could just drive a few minutes to pick me up. I don’t believe in “favours” in relationships - it’s give and take.

I Can’t drive because of a health condition. I did have a license but since I have this condition now the dvla have said I cannot drive.

You say you get a taxi , is a bus available for your journey ?
Yes it would take longer , and if there is one , cheaper than a taxi !

There is a bus, I usually get that home when he is in work. It takes an hour because it goes all around the town before it gets to close to my house. We live quite rurally.

I guess I’m upset that he offers to collect me, and then leaves me waiting for a while for no reason at all, and then expects me to be fine with him being late. I always say to him, if you’re busy I can always get home by myself but he says don’t be silly it’s a little drive for me and you’ll be home quicker.

What time is the bus? If it's about 5.10/5.15 and he's not there when he should be I'd just get it. Message and say, presume you're stuck, got the bus, see you later

I agree it's not a favour when you are living together..it's just something you do for your partner or kids.

I’d be more worried about his abusive behaviour (trying to frighten you with his driving and the silent treatment) than the lateness.

I would redress the balance in your finances with him, stop paying more bills than him, stop lending him money, and pay for taxis for yourself when you need them

@Ohsoitsokkkk why does he have no money if he is a teacher? what does he do with his wages? why is he only working three days anyway????

I agree. Toxic behaviour.

Why is he only working 3 days a week if he ends up short of money & you are paying more of the bills?

It sounds like you are getting the shit end of the deal in every way.

Working part time is fine if he lives within his means. But he's not. You are subsidising his lifestyle.

Who suggested moving in together?

Why did you move in if you work 12 hour shifts and the bus takes an hour?

Being late for a lift is the least of your problems.

No you are not being unreasonable, a one off being late due to circumstances beyond his control fine but this is every occasion. He doesn't prioritise getting to you on time to collect you, it is within his gift and he can decide when to deliver that gift and expect fulsome gratitude when he deigns to do so. It's a power play as he has admitted: He said he was doing me a favour and I should be grateful he picked me up.

I do a lot for him, I pay most bills and lend him quite a bit of money when he needs. I make more than him and buy us nice stuff. I cook every meal.

Instead of lending him money and buying nice stuff for both of you use the money to get a taxi home. Do it as a gift or nice stuff just for you.

He said “fuck this” and sped down the road nearly crashing into another car with me in with him, I told him to slow down. That would be the last time I ever got into a car with him.

He is not a nice or decent person @Ohsoitsokkkk get rid.

What, the nearly crashing in a fit of temper bit, that's forgivable?

Get your own bicycle, motorbike or car. Problem solved.