Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have told him 30 mins late to pick me up pissed me off?

130 replies

Ohsoitsokkkk · 21/02/2025 23:46

Boyfriend usually picks me up after work as I moved closer to him and moved in so my my commute is very long, he’s never had an issue of doing this and he’s said multiple times don’t pay for taxis I will get you. He usually does it about twice a week, it’s less than a ten minute drive to my work.

The thing is, he is always late - I can think of at least 4 times this year he has been late. There’s always some issue like traffic jams or his mum rang him etc etc. I have put it down to bad time management and tried to get over it.

Today I asked him to get me at 5pm. He is a teacher so off work this week. He said he would, and that he was going to see his friend who lives close to where I work so would be there on time. I rang him at 5 to 5 saying I had been to the pharmacy and could he pick me up from there instead (a 5 min drive from his friend). He said yes no problem see you soon. It got to 5-15 and I was feeling a little irked but tried to just let it go. At 5-20 he rang me and said “so sorry, I left my phone at my friends so had to drive back and get it and then there was a traffic jam. I’ll be 5 minutes”

He arrived 15 minutes later. I said I was pissed off that he was late and the traffic wasn’t that bad. He said “so you think I left you there intentionally”. I just said yes. He said “fuck this” and sped down the road nearly crashing into another car with me in with him, I told him to slow down.

He said he was doing me a favour and I should be grateful he picked me up. He’s not spoken to me all evening.

I do a lot for him, I pay most bills and lend him quite a bit of money when he needs. I make more than him and buy us nice stuff. I cook every meal.

Aibu?

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 22/02/2025 11:30

Why on earth are you paying most of the bills, doing all the cooking and lending him money in his home?????

That's a far bigger red flag than the lateness imo. He’s a freeloader who saw you coming

AirthatIbreathe · 22/02/2025 11:30

Speeding with you in the car(I.e. trying to scare you) is abuse OP. I agree with PPs. An adult who cannot control their temper is THE red flag (afer a childhood full of it I can sniff angry men out like a shithouse rat) and I'd be getting myself loose of him as soon as I were able.

Abcdefg22220 · 22/02/2025 11:31

toomuchfaff · 22/02/2025 08:11

Where's the red flag guy??

Always late - creating a dependency on him then leaving you hanging. Broken promises.

sped down the road nearly crashing into another car with me in with him. Toxic

He said he was doing me a favour and I should be grateful he picked me up. Toxic

He’s not spoken to me all evening. Toxic

I told him to slow down. - did he??

His actions have already subconsciously told you you're not his priority- again toxic manipulation.

This is major red flag territory.
Very toxic behaviours.
Aggressive behaviour to scare you
Not responding when you tell him to slow down
Manipulative tactics - "You should be thankful"

I'm sorry but if you look in other areas of you life, he's exhibiting toxic behaviours.

Google:
"You should be thankful to me" is considered toxic because it implies a manipulative expectation of constant gratitude, often dismissing the other person's feelings and potentially creating a power imbalance where they feel obligated to constantly express appreciation, even when not warranted, making the relationship feel unhealthy and one-sided.
Key points about why this phrase is toxic:
Lack of empathy:
It disregards the other person's perspective and struggles, suggesting they should simply be grateful without acknowledging their own challenges.
Control tactic:
By constantly reminding someone to be thankful, the speaker can try to control their behavior and emotions, making them feel indebted.

Edited

This. Get out now.

SwishMyCape · 22/02/2025 11:31

Intentionally driving dangerously to scare you is 100% the hallmark of an abuser.

Barch1 · 22/02/2025 11:37

I’d seriously think about this relationship. It doesn’t bode well for a long term happy one

comeondover · 22/02/2025 11:38

Sosoweary · 21/02/2025 23:58

If it was a one off occurrence then it would be forgivable.
But if he is regularly late he is treating you with contempt. He is showing you that he doesn't value you.
I would be rethinking the relationship.

I think this is a stretch. I'm regularly late but I don't hold anyone in contempt

Elsvieta · 22/02/2025 11:41

Ohsoitsokkkk · 22/02/2025 10:13

He insists I shouldn’t get a taxi, when I’ve been working from 5am - 5pm, I just want to get home. He works 3 days a week and picks me up on the days he doesn’t work. I’m not going to spend £10 on a taxi when he could just drive a few minutes to pick me up. I don’t believe in “favours” in relationships - it’s give and take.

Yeah, he doesn't want you spending the money you could be giving him.

You need to ditch this creep. But if you won't, ffs stop giving him money (completely, not a penny) and spend it on ubers or whatever. Let him "insist" all he likes, and ignore him. You seem to be in the mental habit of thinking you have to do what he says - why?

You want to know if this relationship has a future? Cut off the cash, and see how long it is before he ends it and finds another sucker. Really, you can do better.

Tulipsandaffodils · 22/02/2025 11:43

Um what do you mean you pay his bills, and you don’t even live together?

Sosoweary · 22/02/2025 11:49

comeondover · 22/02/2025 11:38

I think this is a stretch. I'm regularly late but I don't hold anyone in contempt

But by being late you are being contemptuous of other people.

By keeping people waiting you are saying their time is valueless compared to yours.

You are showing people that your convenience is more important than their inconvenience.

Apart from in exceptional circumstances being late is just plain rude.

OrangeCushioning · 22/02/2025 11:49

comeondover · 22/02/2025 11:38

I think this is a stretch. I'm regularly late but I don't hold anyone in contempt

Yes you do, or you’d be on time.

CuteEasterBunny · 22/02/2025 11:50

Find your own way 🤷‍♀️

Ohsoitsokkkk · 22/02/2025 11:55

Tulipsandaffodils · 22/02/2025 11:43

Um what do you mean you pay his bills, and you don’t even live together?

We do live together, it says in the op

OP posts:
Chonk · 22/02/2025 11:58

On what planet is a 10 minute drive a very long commute? I agree with everyone else, stop giving him money and use that for taxis instead.

BitOutOfPractice · 22/02/2025 11:59

You believe in give and tske In a relationship. You give, he takes.

Why did you move to his when he’s the one that can drive.

And once again on mn the “we live rurally” thing comes up and proves to be exacerbating the main problem.

Ohsoitsokkkk · 22/02/2025 12:00

Chonk · 22/02/2025 11:58

On what planet is a 10 minute drive a very long commute? I agree with everyone else, stop giving him money and use that for taxis instead.

A long commute from where I used to live.

10 minute drive translates as a 1 hour and 13 minutes walk. Or a hour ish bus ride. The travel links are terrible here.

OP posts:
LittleGreenDragons · 22/02/2025 12:02

I pay most bills and lend him quite a bit of money when he need
😬

It's time to move out. He's not a kind or supportive man. He's angry and he could have killed someone with that anger.

Peclet · 22/02/2025 12:03

You’re replies are getting shorter and shorter which makes me think you’re really shocked at some of these replies.

He is a not a good guy. Move on.

Chonk · 22/02/2025 12:05

Ohsoitsokkkk · 22/02/2025 12:00

A long commute from where I used to live.

10 minute drive translates as a 1 hour and 13 minutes walk. Or a hour ish bus ride. The travel links are terrible here.

The way your OP was written suggested you moved to be with him and he therefore helps with travel arrangements as you now have a very long commute. Either way, use the money for taxis.

sugarspiceandeverythingnice12 · 22/02/2025 12:10

*He said he was doing me a favour and I should be grateful he picked me up. He’s not spoken to me all evening.

I do a lot for him, I pay most bills and lend him quite a bit of money when he needs. I make more than him and buy us nice stuff. I cook every meal*

Stop doing all the things you do for him

TwistedWonder · 22/02/2025 12:10

Ohsoitsokkkk · 22/02/2025 11:55

We do live together, it says in the op

So you moved into his and you’re paying most of the bills, doing all the cooking and lending him money? And he can’t even be arsed to turn up on time to pick you up?

Was it his idea for you to move in so he could cocklodge in his own home? How did he manage before you ?

sugarspiceandeverythingnice12 · 22/02/2025 12:11

Ohsoitsokkkk · 22/02/2025 11:55

We do live together, it says in the op

I'd stop living together immediately

And stop doing ANYTHING for him

Hes a waste of your time

sugarspiceandeverythingnice12 · 22/02/2025 12:14

Ohsoitsokkkk · 22/02/2025 10:13

He insists I shouldn’t get a taxi, when I’ve been working from 5am - 5pm, I just want to get home. He works 3 days a week and picks me up on the days he doesn’t work. I’m not going to spend £10 on a taxi when he could just drive a few minutes to pick me up. I don’t believe in “favours” in relationships - it’s give and take.

Its not give and take, is it?

You give and he takes and the little bit he DOES give (a couple of lifts) he fucks up because he's a tosser

Get rid of him

Nowvoyager99 · 22/02/2025 12:16

Your OP really is confusing.

Why is he only working three days a week?

Who was propping him up financially before you came along?

AlohaRose · 22/02/2025 12:18

Why is he only working three days a week if you have to subsidise his life by frequently lending him money and paying most of the bills? He's on to a good thing isn't he?

zingally · 22/02/2025 12:19

He's a teacher, but only working part-time?

I'm a teacher as well, and being completely honest with you, in almost 20 years I've only known one male teacher on a part time contract. In fact the only one I can think of was a male teacher who was winding down to retirement, and was in his late 50s. I presume the man you're dating isn't in his 50s.

There's more to his work story, I can guarantee it.

Swipe left for the next trending thread