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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have told him 30 mins late to pick me up pissed me off?

130 replies

Ohsoitsokkkk · 21/02/2025 23:46

Boyfriend usually picks me up after work as I moved closer to him and moved in so my my commute is very long, he’s never had an issue of doing this and he’s said multiple times don’t pay for taxis I will get you. He usually does it about twice a week, it’s less than a ten minute drive to my work.

The thing is, he is always late - I can think of at least 4 times this year he has been late. There’s always some issue like traffic jams or his mum rang him etc etc. I have put it down to bad time management and tried to get over it.

Today I asked him to get me at 5pm. He is a teacher so off work this week. He said he would, and that he was going to see his friend who lives close to where I work so would be there on time. I rang him at 5 to 5 saying I had been to the pharmacy and could he pick me up from there instead (a 5 min drive from his friend). He said yes no problem see you soon. It got to 5-15 and I was feeling a little irked but tried to just let it go. At 5-20 he rang me and said “so sorry, I left my phone at my friends so had to drive back and get it and then there was a traffic jam. I’ll be 5 minutes”

He arrived 15 minutes later. I said I was pissed off that he was late and the traffic wasn’t that bad. He said “so you think I left you there intentionally”. I just said yes. He said “fuck this” and sped down the road nearly crashing into another car with me in with him, I told him to slow down.

He said he was doing me a favour and I should be grateful he picked me up. He’s not spoken to me all evening.

I do a lot for him, I pay most bills and lend him quite a bit of money when he needs. I make more than him and buy us nice stuff. I cook every meal.

Aibu?

OP posts:

BleachedJumper · 22/02/2025 11:00

Honestly op, he sounds like a waster. Why is an adult man working three days a week and living off his girlfriend?

Chuck this one back, get out there and find a good man.

Alalalala · 22/02/2025 11:00

The issue here is his lies, and his reaction. Speeding, nearly hitting another car. The stupid piece of shit could have killed or harmed someone because of his pathetic tantrum.

I would find that unforgivable.

Sulu17 · 22/02/2025 11:00

He is unreliable and a moody scrounger, is this really what you want in your life OP?

Chaseandstatus · 22/02/2025 11:01

toomuchfaff · 22/02/2025 08:11

Where's the red flag guy??

Always late - creating a dependency on him then leaving you hanging. Broken promises.

sped down the road nearly crashing into another car with me in with him. Toxic

He said he was doing me a favour and I should be grateful he picked me up. Toxic

He’s not spoken to me all evening. Toxic

I told him to slow down. - did he??

His actions have already subconsciously told you you're not his priority- again toxic manipulation.

This is major red flag territory.
Very toxic behaviours.
Aggressive behaviour to scare you
Not responding when you tell him to slow down
Manipulative tactics - "You should be thankful"

I'm sorry but if you look in other areas of you life, he's exhibiting toxic behaviours.

Google:
"You should be thankful to me" is considered toxic because it implies a manipulative expectation of constant gratitude, often dismissing the other person's feelings and potentially creating a power imbalance where they feel obligated to constantly express appreciation, even when not warranted, making the relationship feel unhealthy and one-sided.
Key points about why this phrase is toxic:
Lack of empathy:
It disregards the other person's perspective and struggles, suggesting they should simply be grateful without acknowledging their own challenges.
Control tactic:
By constantly reminding someone to be thankful, the speaker can try to control their behavior and emotions, making them feel indebted.

Edited

I agree with this! This man is not a keeper x

myplace · 22/02/2025 11:03

toomuchfaff · 22/02/2025 08:11

Where's the red flag guy??

Always late - creating a dependency on him then leaving you hanging. Broken promises.

sped down the road nearly crashing into another car with me in with him. Toxic

He said he was doing me a favour and I should be grateful he picked me up. Toxic

He’s not spoken to me all evening. Toxic

I told him to slow down. - did he??

His actions have already subconsciously told you you're not his priority- again toxic manipulation.

This is major red flag territory.
Very toxic behaviours.
Aggressive behaviour to scare you
Not responding when you tell him to slow down
Manipulative tactics - "You should be thankful"

I'm sorry but if you look in other areas of you life, he's exhibiting toxic behaviours.

Edited

Please read this!

He's moved you away from your home, your support network, made you dependent on him, and he’s now exercising control and behaving in an intimidating way.

Move back out. He can pay his own bills.

Sosoweary · 22/02/2025 11:03

WhisperGold · 22/02/2025 10:58

What, the nearly crashing in a fit of temper bit, that's forgivable?

Show quote history

No you are right: that is not forgivable.
I'm afraid I was concentrating on the one off/always being late aspect.

Actually if he is a teacher the lack of control shown by his temper outburst is especially worrying.

Original poster

Ohsoitsokkkk · 22/02/2025 11:03

MrsMoastyToasty · 22/02/2025 10:58

Get your own bicycle, motorbike or car. Problem solved.

you didn’t read the thread, I can’t drive I am medically not allowed to.

OP posts:

AnotherEmma · 22/02/2025 11:05

LTB. Not because of the lateness but because of the general attitude and multiple red flags you have mentioned.

mamajong · 22/02/2025 11:05

I'm confused - he picks you up to save you a long commute, but you moved in with him and it's a 10 min drive??

Ultimately this sounds like an ongoing issue - you feel if he's offered you a lift he should be on time, he feels if he's doing you a favour picking you up you need to be more patient. Personally I'd hate waiting around after work, so take control and sort your own way home - maybe get a taxi and next time he asks to borrow money tell him you can't afford it as you need it for taxis.

Yanbu but people with timekeeping issues rarely change, so you have to decide if you can tolerate it long term or if it's a deal breaker.

The other behaviour sounds petty on both sides - saying you think he deliberately got you late is inflammatory but he massively over reacted. I'd say you've both got some talking and, respectfully, some growing up to do

holycrumpet · 22/02/2025 11:07

"I pay most bills and lend him quite a bit of money"

Holy fuck woman.

Stop doing this.

Use the money to get yourself a taxi booked on time every day.

Make it a regular booking. They'll be on time.

BeachRide · 22/02/2025 11:07

ManchesterGirl2 · 21/02/2025 23:55

For me the speeding would be the worst part of this. I'm fairly relaxed about disorganisation, but not about adults who can't control their temper.

Especially if he's a teacher!

UnderHisEeyore · 22/02/2025 11:07

I hate lateness with a passion - it shows huge disorganisation and lack of care and foresight to me. He is effectively saying his time is more important than yours and possibly enjoys the idea of you looking out of the window for him, mistaking annoyance for excitement. I would make a point that you can make your own way as you're finding his lack of timekeeping anxiety inducing. It would set me off on a bad mood for the day!

Seeline · 22/02/2025 11:08

Why are you paying all the bills and buying nice things and doing all the cooking when he only works 3 days a week and has all school holidays off?
What is he doing for this relationship?

Redfred00 · 22/02/2025 11:09

He works 3 days a week and you subsidise him. Then you need to be grateful for a lift. If you piss him off he drives like a lunatic. I think you'd be better off to dump him and get a taxi everyday. Stop wasting your time and money on a walking red flag.

Nowvoyager99 · 22/02/2025 11:11

I’m confused. You say you have a really long commute because you moved to live closer to your boyfriend. Do you actually live with him or just near him?

Then you say it’s just a £10 taxi ride from your work to home. That’s not a long commute. How far is it? It seems walkable to me if you can’t drive and don’t want to get the bus.

Subsidising him so he can work PT is foolish.

Butchyrestingface · 22/02/2025 11:12

I do a lot for him, I pay most bills and lend him quite a bit of money when he needs. I make more than him and buy us nice stuff. I cook every meal.

Yes, you are definitely being unreasonable to do all this for him, a part-time worker no less. He's sitting pretty and can't even be arsed to pick you up on time.

healthybychristmas · 22/02/2025 11:13

So you pay for a lot more than he does. He works three days a week. Why is that? Then he puts your life at risk because you complain he's late, which he is. Then he ignores you.

Why on earth are you with this man? Honest to god, the standards on here are so low at times.

Dweetfidilove · 22/02/2025 11:13

I do a lot for him, I pay most bills and lend him quite a bit of money when he needs. I make more than him and buy us nice stuff. I cook every meal.

All of this and you're not even a priority for him? YABU, and an idiot.
Choose better for yourself.

dapsnotplimsolls · 22/02/2025 11:13

Get the fuck away from him.

SheridansPortSalut · 22/02/2025 11:15

If you can't drive for medical reasons then he should have been the one to move. It made no sense for you to be the one with the long commute. However, it sounds like you are the one making all of the concessions. Ask yourself this - who is getting the most out of this relationship?

As for this "I pay most bills and lend him quite a bit of money when he needs. I make more than him and buy us nice stuff. I cook every meal", WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?

I'm sorry for shouting but I'm seeing you, in 5 years time, posting one of the many many threads on Mumsnet where you have little kids and are at breaking point under the weight of having to do absolutely everything by yourself.

MyDeftDuck · 22/02/2025 11:19

Time to move out

YourHappyJadeEagle · 22/02/2025 11:21

LurkyMcLurkinson · 22/02/2025 10:40

I’d be more worried about his abusive behaviour (trying to frighten you with his driving and the silent treatment) than the lateness.

This.
And if he’s a teacher why is he only working 3 days a week with you subsidising him.
Too many red flags 🚩. I’d get out now.

diddl · 22/02/2025 11:27

He sounds bloody awful.

He can't even pick you up willingly.

Bloody hell he seems to have seen you coming though!

What's so great about him that you now have a a long commute & sub him?

Frostynoman · 22/02/2025 11:28

He sounds very immature, a poor liar and that he’s taking advantage. It’s also concerning that he’s a teacher!

Weigh up what you are getting from the relationship - if there is any element where you think because of your health condition that you couldn’t do better then park it as that’s wrong and as others have suggested, move on from him. As an aside, can you get pip toward taxis etc? (I’m sure I’ll be lynched for asking that however other threads have talked about pip to support people to stay working hence my curiosity)

best of luck op

BagSpol · 22/02/2025 11:29

I really hate the idea that if someone’s supposedly doing you a favour you have to be grateful regardless of how poorly they do it. There comes a point when it would’ve been more helpful for them not to bother.

But aside from the lateness which is annoying but forgivable, he doesn’t sound like a great catch OP.

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