Should I tell my DP that I know he is lying

[JadeMember]

So my DP (46) does a cold lake swimming with a group of women. He is the only man and ladies are in the range of 40-70yrs. He got into the group through the lady he met through my son’s sport. I never met her as I’m at the different sport with my DD. So my DP called me today when I was at work and told me that the group is going to a charity event in the evening and someone pulled out, they need someone to fill the space, and if I would mind if he goes with them. I really don’t care tbh as my DC are with their dad tonight and I’m just happy having a me time. So my DP just send me a photos from the event and it’s not a charity event! It’s a silent disco😂. I googled the location and the name of the event that was on the banners in the photo. I don’t know why he lied. He doesn’t go out a lot and I don’t mind when he does go out. We don’t live in ‘each other’s pockets’ and are independent with our interests so I don’t understand why he lied. I don’t know if I should just leave it because I’m not really that worried or should I actually be worried about it and question it when he gets home?

I feel a bit sorry for the guy. He made a massive sacrifice moving away from his friends for the OP. His only friends for a while have only been the OP's friends so not really his at all. He's now found a group and one friend in particular. He also has a gf complaining about this friendship but she's never wanted to get involved in the hobbies he likes. It won't kill the OP to spend some time doing what he likes.

Don't worry about it 😊

I strongly agree with Kitty. I think it’s a good idea for you to swap sports & I think spending a whole day in France with this woman is a “no”

We all have our moments OP, tomorrow is another day… worse things happen, don’t beat yourself up xx

Oh behave...🙄

I agree with others on this. Also, even if he wouldn’t cheat, unless he’s really obtuse, he must know she is coming on to him after all this and may be enjoying the attention. Her behaviour is reprehensible in my opinion. I think you need to sit him down for a serious, honest discussion.

You don’t sound like either of those things. You seem quite hard on yourself. I think what you have told him about how you would like things to go in the future here is entirely appropriate. Does he know that there are men’s hobby groups around these days. One that has branches all over the country is ‘Men in sheds’. The men meet up, potter about, mend things etc, then maybe go for a couple of drinks. If he is interested in old trains, there are many small railway museums where volunteers (99% men) meet up to maintain the vehicles. There are running clubs, angling, golf etc. with a bit of research and effort, he should be able to find something in which he has an interest where he could make male friends.

I second you reading Shirley Glass - Not just friends.
Even if you trust him, him getting close emotionally to an ow, is taking from the primary relationship, and that's not good.
Also don't underestimate the power of mental stimulation and ego stroking
Time for him to get involved in male only groups
You may have peri symptoms, but your spidery senses are working just fine.

a silent disco is where people use headphones rather than a DJ and speakers, usually with different channel options for whatever they want to dance to

I hope you're feeling ok after his trip yesterday. Have you spoken to him since he's been back? I'd strike while the iron is hot to keep the dialogue about your relationship open, getting more involved with his things etc. And befriending his OW sounds like a smart move, enemies close and all that.

He doesn't lie but he omits the whole truth. He arranges things THEN tells you. He says you can come to something - yes that happened in my first marriage too but surprise surprise it had to be cancelled. He's got the rush for seeing this woman. A trip to France - fuck off. I may have been tempted to hide his passport .
There's plenty of other outdoor events he can be involved in eg we have Green Gyms where locals volunteer in building riverside walks, fences etc.

He took a change of clothes because it appears he was going cold water swimming whilst in France

@JadeMember
I think switching children/activities is a good idea, even if for one week so you can go and meet the woman in person.
Have a chat with her. You could subtly mention the extra ticket frequency, it doesn't have to be a full-scale attack. Just a pleasant conversation with her and don't be afraid to ask why it is she chooses your DP to accompany her.

Still not sure why that necessitates a change of clothes! He won’t be swimming in his clothes!

A man already in a relationship (though you're not married, so many women do think all is fair in love and war if he's not actually taken so I'm wondering if that is what OW is thinking) should not need to be told how inappropriate it is for him to go abroad with a single woman. He should know that. So, either he doesn't know it in which case he has no concept of relationship or morals, or he does and doesn't care how you feel. Sorry but I think you're a doormat. You should have nipped this in the bud and said 'I am not happy with this and do not agree with this, if you go with her, our relationship is over, so choose wisely', but no, you rolled over.

She is making a play for him. You know it. I think he too knows it (unless he is truly dumb), and maybe she has more money than you (if she's a Professor and highly successful). The fact she is always asking him places shows she is making a play for him. Respectfully, you're a fool. You should have told him if he goes, its over.

Nope, I get that. Me neither 🤷🏼‍♀️

@WillIEverBeOk Hang on a minute. There’s nothing respectful about calling some one who is at a low ebb and asking for advice, ‘a fool’. That’s uncalled for.

I meant after she had all the advice and still decided she wouldn't say anything to stop him. Posters tried to tell her to put a stop to it but she didn't listen. I feel for her, I really do. But it was foolish to just roll over like that, even after the advice she got.

As a pp put, he should want to be with Op, he shouldn't have to be asked or told not to go.

Maybe it's not that he particularly wants to be with this woman, just that he wants to be out & about.

If he wants an affair with the woman he will whatever Op says.

Hi OP - how are you doing ? I know you were upset last week so just checking in x

Thank you for checking in. I’m sorry that I didn’t check on messages. It was pretty shit since my DP got back from France. He apparently spend an hour in Dunkirk and drove back. Afterwards instead of coming home, he went to a hockey match ( their mutual interest). I was going to overlook the France trip but after he said he got back to England and gone to a match, I lost it a bit. I don’t know if I’m being fair or not. We are not talking atm and he is sleeping in the spare bedroom. I found the presents he bought for me and mine children while he was in France for a short period ( he did give the gifts to children next day). There was a thought behind the gift and not just the afterthought. So that’s where we are. Just ignoring each other

I'm sorry to hear op. So if I've understood correctly he spent all day with her for going to/from France and then also went to a hockey match with her on the same day?
That is both pretty OTT and very insensitive to you given that you raised your concerns. Was he apologetic or defensive?
Has he seen her since?
What do you want to happen next?

It may or may not help to know that as someone in a cold water swim group, none of what you've said would actually be unusual behaviour for some of us! I created the group and tend to be the one posting swims so my name would be mentioned a lot. We do go to the pub together, we go to quizzes together too. There are several men in the group but generally only one maybe two at each swim/event. We've talked about a daytrip to swim in France or even flying somewhere else in Europe for the day to swim for an hour and fly back, we would very likely then do something else together on return.
It is all completely innocent, but I can absolutely see how it could look otherwise!

@JadeMember, regardless of the gifts, your P is further down a slippery slope. It appears that he and OW can’t stay away from each other.

She is pursuing him and he is constantly out with her. She’s treating him like her boyfriend, and he is flattered and enchanted by her attention. There’s a reason that he bottled telling you in person that they had plans in France. There’s a reason that he prioritized accompanying her to a hockey match instead of coming straight home.

During your pre-France discussion he was paying lip service — saying what you wanted to hear because he was determined to travel with her and needed your help in finding his passport. If their relationship was really platonic on both sides, he would have introduced you long ago. There have been opportunities, as some of their outings have been to non-sporting events. A special lunch/coffee meet-up could have even been planned and introductions made.

He is pouring more and more time and emotional energy into pleasing OW and building their connection. While he is swimming and swanning around with her, your relationship is being diminished and theirs is becoming more significant.

Totally off topic but please consider the absolutely wasteful use of carbon in flying somewhere just for the day. Just look at the news to see the floods and fires. Climate change is real and it is carbon use mainly causing it. We are heading (in) a mass extinction event.