Should I tell my DP that I know he is lying

[JadeMember]

So my DP (46) does a cold lake swimming with a group of women. He is the only man and ladies are in the range of 40-70yrs. He got into the group through the lady he met through my son’s sport. I never met her as I’m at the different sport with my DD. So my DP called me today when I was at work and told me that the group is going to a charity event in the evening and someone pulled out, they need someone to fill the space, and if I would mind if he goes with them. I really don’t care tbh as my DC are with their dad tonight and I’m just happy having a me time. So my DP just send me a photos from the event and it’s not a charity event! It’s a silent disco😂. I googled the location and the name of the event that was on the banners in the photo. I don’t know why he lied. He doesn’t go out a lot and I don’t mind when he does go out. We don’t live in ‘each other’s pockets’ and are independent with our interests so I don’t understand why he lied. I don’t know if I should just leave it because I’m not really that worried or should I actually be worried about it and question it when he gets home?

Telling you his plans and sending you pictures doesn't really scream cheater to me but sometimes our hormones take control of our rational thinking. Wouldn't take all the shitty comments on here to heart I think people comment nasty shit on here as a full time unpaid job

Massive mistake not asking him not to go OP, i don't know why your not fighting harder to save your relationship

Sorry Op but you're a massive fool.

In what way do you think it's ok that OP's partner is spending all this time with another woman even though he knows.shes not at all happy with it? Do you he would be fine with OP going off on all these jaunts with another man? I don't think so! Read all the OP's posts about what has been going on. It's not right or fair to OP. We just want her to protect her relationship. If you can't see what this woman is doing I don't know what to tell you. You're being very naive.

This is exactly the sort of hysterical nonsense I’m talking about, OP. These people do not care about you and are here for the drama.

I’m going to stop commenting, but I can only reiterate: please talk to your friends before you do or say anything you might regret.

This isn't about men cheating but about a single woman who's laying herself out on a plate for a married man. He needs to realise the risk he's taking before he finds himself involved in something that would ruin his relationship with OP.. We are NOT here for entertaining updates but to try and help OP save her relationship.

You have no idea what you're talking about, I doubt you've read the full thread even. Run along then

'hysterical nonsense'? Mhmm, going to put my feminist hat on & say that's not an appropriate thing to say to women trying to help women on a site used, largely, by women. Bit misogynistic imo 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP - started this thread ready to empathise & say yes, PM can do all manner of hideous things to your brain...then I got to the France thing & both eyebrows went up.

Then the France thing timeline & it was a solid, single, disapproval eyebrow.

Then the multiple trips out a week...

Whether or not he knows what's happening I have no idea - but sure as fuck she knows what she's doing. He now also knows he's crossing your boundaries - he's made a decision to step tf right over.

You're a bigger woman than me cos even if he had managed to find his passport he would've definitely found himself without swimming kit once he got there.

Nobody's saying he's a cheater and no one is being unkind. It's the OW who seems to be getting ideas in her head and it needs nipping in the bud before anything does happen. It very often turns out on MN that gut instinct is tight and something is going on sadly

Also I find it strange that she always has just one spare ticket to any events (these events are now happening once or twice a week) but for a lot of these events you don’t even need tickets.

So as frequently as 1-2 times per week, she just happens to have a spare ticket (even when tickets aren’t required) or someone suddenly pulls out of an event ... and he MUST fill those spots. Total bullshit.

She is a smooth operator who knows how to reel him in, and he is lapping it up. He knows the score, hence his lying by omission in person before finally spilling about France by phone. He is infatuated, way ahead of you, and determined to forge ahead with new adventures with OW, so is downplaying their relationship and manipulating you with his ‘we’re just friends’ and ‘poor me, I need a friend’ guff.

He is also shifting the blame and justifying his unethical choices by citing your lack of emotion and curiosity when he initially spent time with OW. More BS, as he and he alone is responsible for crossing lines and not protecting his fidelity.

He is devious, and it would be game over for me if he does indeed journey to France with his crush.

From what you've told us @JadeMember I don't think he's having an affair, but it does sound like this lady is pushing against your boundaries, and you need to make sure that your DP knows exactly where these boundaries are.

It sounds like he's going to go to France, so I would let him crack on, but have a talk with him in a day or two, give yourself time to articulate exactly how him disregarding your feelings has made you feel. Hopefully this will ensure he understands how important it is for him to take your feelings into consideration when deciding who to spend time with on his own in the future.

Oh, and I wouldn't take his swim trunks out of his bag - the last thing you want is the woman declaring "Perfect opportunity for some skinny dipping!"

@JadeMember by the way I dont think he's having an affair but unfortunately has latched on as a friend to someone who clearly has a thing for him.

However he does at least now know you are 'alert' to the situation and I think if he values the marriage he will cool it

He’s wrong, she’s a twat. He’s going off with her like a stupid puppy because he likes how he feels when he’s with her because she MAKES him feel wanted.

But, just playing devil’s advocate op, how do you MAKE him feel. Imagine you were gallivanting with another man and said “hey dh, I’m going to France with my new man friend tomorrow” and your dh just went to the loo and then sat on the sofa sulkily, how would you feel? And if he said he didn’t want you to go because it was inappropriate but then helped you pack and find your passport? Wouldn’t you feel like he wasn’t THAT bothered? Wouldn’t you feel like he only cared about the optics, rather than actually desiring you?

if a man was posting this saying “my wife is going away with someone and I’m annoyed because it is inappropriate but I don’t want to tell her not to go because she should just put me first even though I’m not emotionally forthcoming and she’s lonely and has no friends of her own since she moved to be with me and my kids who she kindly ferries around to sporting events…..I feel like everyone would be here saying to him well tell her love her, tell her you need her, and respect that she’s making such an effort to put herself out there going to events and meet ups, being a good step parent and trying to make a new life in your area to be with you.

the reason I say this is not because he isn’t being a tosser (whether knowingly or not) because he is. It is more that, as you find it hard to express desire for him or to be emotional rather than logical, is there a chance you’ve not made him feel particularly desired for a while now?

i totally get it is hard to be emotional and theoretically he should just not have his head turned “because you’re together”, but the reality is he needs to feel like you want him - otherwise he will have his head turned by someone who does.

If you do want him, now is the moment to screw his brains out and make him feel like holy shit she wants me - she’s mine and I’m hers. Not to push him into the arms of this woman and her exciting French adventure!

The MN hive mind will always tell you your DP is cheating. It’s the first conclusion that is jumped to, however tenuous the connection. I really don’t think your DP is, he’s just enjoying having a new friend, and he seems really open about it. You’ll destroy you relationship if you carry on down this jealous, possessive, untrusting road.

So I know her full name and her profession. I have been googling her🫣. She is about 10 years older than him ( I don’t think that matters) and she is also very accomplished university professor, running a lot of mindfulness programs and getting involved with a lot events to raise a money for mental health charities. I have been watching her videos and I know that sexual attraction wouldn’t be there straight away but damn this woman is very interesting. So I do believe him when he says he is not physically attracted to her but she can definitely provide more mental stimulation than me. Our conversation is mostly about kids, homework, dog, housework and what shall we eat for dinner. Maybe I should steal her from him and she could be my friend😂

If she had a partner her conversation with him would likely mostly be about those mundane day to day things as well. I doubt she wants to talk shop most of the time.

Liars are dangerous.If he is is lying, of course you must discuss this.

I just can't get over that she always has a spare place but doesn't ask any of her female friends.

The France thing is crackers, why ask the only man of the group when I'm sure there would be lots of other friends willing to take the space.

I wouldn't even offer the space to a family man/woman who would be otherwise spending time with their family. If she is older she would likely have friends in a similar position with no family responsibilities.

Nope doesn't add up.

It's not about jumping to him having an affair (fwiw, I don't think he is either currently) but I do think the other woman is approaching this from a different perspective to him and he at least needs to he mindful that this is a possibility and safeguard his primary relationship, which he isn't doing currently.

Also, these scenarios are how affairs arise in the main. Not everyone who has an affair sets out looking for one but, if the conditions are right, an attraction can develop.

Yes, some people jump straight to he's cheating but most people have actually just said that this is a situation that has potential to creep up on someone.

How many people say they didn't plan to have an affair, it just happened? This is how it 'just happens'. One small line after another being crossed.

2 or 3 events a week where she just happens to have a spare ticket due to a flakey friend and he is the only person she asks every time?

I'm not buying that it's innocent on her part. And he is being disrespectful to his wife by not taking her concerns at least seriously. He is also being very naive if he doesn't at least keep it in mind.

Even if he maintains his position of not being interested and eventually reasons himself that lines have been crossed or he shouldn't have accepted every invitation, there will have been damage done to his primary relationship.

OP, it does sound as though you had a positive and productive conversation with him last night.

Take him up on the invitations to join them and you might discover you like campig and himing in snowdonia more than you thought 😉 and it will send a clear message to her that you are solid together.

Outside of that, I think this is probably a bit of a wake up call to both of you to invest in your own relationship a bit more.

Hope it all works out ok.

I voted YANBU based on the trip to France and wonder how many of the people who voted otherwise did so before that update! It sounds like your husband is being transparent with you about everything so it’s unlikely he’s up to anything but I think he’s being rather naive about the other woman’s intentions. I think you should tell him that you trust him but not her and that’s why you feel uncomfortable with them spending so much time together alone.

Well the OP said she wouldnt want to go so maybe the female friends are equally not keen on whatever the sport is. I agree that on the face of it it's unusual to ask a married man but no one can say that loads of her friends would be willing to go.

Sorry you are having to endure so much any arsey and often irrelevant comments (eg, why is he taking your son to a sport?🙄), but you know . . . Mumsnet 🙄

PM can play havoc with our heads. Don’t worry about it now 💐

What are you going to do if you suddenly get a call to say they’ve missed the last boat/train and are staying over? Why did he need a change of clothes and packed bag for a day trip? That’s very odd! It appears they have it all planned to stay over. Saying that, it does appear from a lot of your earlier posts that you come across as not giving a damn what he does!

Don’t like the sound of any of this - especially him drip feeding you about trip to France when he’d already bought the goodies they’re going to share …. together. It’s all getting out of hand. You know this is not right don’t you or you wouldn’t have posted.
The passport should have remained lost.
Suggest you need a relationship with P that involves more than issues of kids, jobs and dog. You need a chat.