Should I tell my DP that I know he is lying

[JadeMember]

So my DP (46) does a cold lake swimming with a group of women. He is the only man and ladies are in the range of 40-70yrs. He got into the group through the lady he met through my son’s sport. I never met her as I’m at the different sport with my DD. So my DP called me today when I was at work and told me that the group is going to a charity event in the evening and someone pulled out, they need someone to fill the space, and if I would mind if he goes with them. I really don’t care tbh as my DC are with their dad tonight and I’m just happy having a me time. So my DP just send me a photos from the event and it’s not a charity event! It’s a silent disco😂. I googled the location and the name of the event that was on the banners in the photo. I don’t know why he lied. He doesn’t go out a lot and I don’t mind when he does go out. We don’t live in ‘each other’s pockets’ and are independent with our interests so I don’t understand why he lied. I don’t know if I should just leave it because I’m not really that worried or should I actually be worried about it and question it when he gets home?

Yes and he said that she wanted to go to a match and as she was driving he had to go along with it. He was defensive. So this morning, I am taking my DS to his training. Normally my DP would take him and that’s where he met the OW. I am going to introduce myself and be pleasant. I will take it from there.

We need a mass extinction event. The planet will heal and carry on, especially if humans are removed from it.

I’d take your son every single week and take up your husband’s hobby too. OW will soon get fed up of that and move on to another guy - I’m sure she’ll get the message unless she’s besotted, then lock up your bunnies!

Ok. As you were then. Let’s wipe ourselves out. 🙄

That's the spirit.

Good on you for taking your son today. I hope it was a useful manoeuvre to meet OW!

When someone is sniffing around and he's on the slippery slope to an EA, I think it's best not to let it fester and 'not talk' for too long as this is ripe ground for him to then go and seek comfort and reassurance elsewhere. Even potentially creating an us against her mentality. I'd try and at least clear the air, unless of course this mornings encounter leads you to a more drastic conclusion of course...

Hi OP sorry to hear it’s not been a successful outcome for you. Can i suggest that you are more forthright in saving your marriage and go along at every opportunity they have to meet up ? Is this possible she obviously has very low emotional intelligence to not see she is overstep the mark Good Luck

It's where the music is played through ear phones that everyone wears, rather than having blasting music.

Whats the difference in flying somewhere for a day and flying somewhere staying a week when flying back?

I'm not sure anything can be done to stop an EA once it has already started and in this case it already seems to have started. Any " measures" put in place by the OP to curtail the development of the relationship will just come off as controlling. The only thing you can do is to quietly observe and give an ultimatum when you've had enough. A man will do what he wants to do

OP any updates? I'm wondering if he's given the OW a heads up and she not be there. If she's not that would be it for me

OP I'm so sorry - this is definitely an emotional affair. And I say that as a woman who is married and had an emotional affair...

There's no way he would get back from the trip and immediately want to see her again if he hadn't fallen for her. I really think you need to call him out on all of this - you are not being unreasonable whatsoever

So for the update..
Yes she was there. I had to ask my son to point her out to me. I walked straight to her and introduced myself. She was surprised it was me instead of my DP coming but I said I decided to switch it up and I will be coming to my DS sport from now on. She was very friendly but then made a comment that she hopes I’m not feeling threatened about her and my DP spending time together. I said that I am not threatened at all as my DP said that you are not a bikini model or anyone he would be ever attracted to. It did wipe a smile off her face. I hate to comment on a physical appearance but I know my DP and she is not what he would go for. As far as EA, idk maybe.

No it was at the same trip. On the way home from France, she wanted to stop over to see the sport match. As she was driving, he apparently felt obligated to go. Can I ask more about emotional affair? I don’t quite get the concept of it. I need both physical and emotional attraction so EA is not something I am familiar with

Well played! 😆👏

The fact that she knows he has a DP and hadn't even bothered to meet you before she went away with him, or even attempt to contact you, shows what a low snake in this grass she is. She really is a piece of work.

If I were going to be taking trips, especially overnight (I think France was overnight?) with a male I knew was taken/in a relationship, I would at least have the common decency and courtesy to have introduced myself to his partner. even just a short text. At least. At the very very least. That she went away with a man without even so much as a hello to his partner shows what her game is. She wants/wanted to pretend you don't exist.

Watch her.

And do keep going to the games. But keep an ear (and eye) out for any other communication they have/meet ups.

Sorry OP, but everyone thinks they know their partner until they cheat.

No one knows for sure what's in another person's head. You think you know him.

Poking her could make her think, game on, and get him just to prove a point, even if she wasn't initially interested.

You shouldn't have to be playing games to stop him from cheating.

If they really wanted to cheat, he'd be finding a way, despite you now doing the matches.

Thank you! I did feel proud of myself to play it cool😂

I know that and that’s why I said numerous times in my posts that I am not going to tell him to not go to France with her for a trip. If he is going to cheat, it doesn’t matter where he is

What was your DP's reaction to you going instead of him? Was he ok with you going instead?

He didn’t care but we are barely talking atm so it wasn’t a much of a discussion

You are a very cool-headed woman @JadeMember , but you don't need to be a cool-wife about this. I can see you don't wish to control your DP, but you don't need to give him enough rope to hang himself either.

This woman is definitely making a play for your DP. I think it is a shame that he is wanting to spend his leisure time with her, rather than you. In a marriage, if your partner doesn't want/cannot do an activity, you don't go off and do it with some other woman instead.

It looks like the difference between his job and yours means has led to is a mis-match in your post-work energy and gregariousness levels. This woman is taking your place in his leisure time, regardless of whether he is attracted to her or not. Is there something that you could do together, or as a family that isn't too draining emotionally? Do you have a dog?

I think it is wise that you are heading this off at the pass

Yes we do have a dog. Very big lovely but anxious Labrador. I used plan our weekends and do something fun with children. But since we have a dog ( my DP wanted a dog to get him out of the house as he is wfh ) we can’t be gone for too long. Also he always says, can we do something this weekend, and I ask him for suggestions but there is literally no input from him. He wants me organise something and whatever I suggest it’s like, we can’t do that because we will be gone for too long and our dog won’t cope with that. So we end up going for a dog walk which is getting f..g boring at the point

And so you are left to look after the dog while he's off doing the things you should be doing as a couple, with another woman? 🤔

Is it normal for you two to not talk for so long? Would you consider marriage counselling?

The absolute audacity of her saying to your face that she hopes you don't feel threatened by her. 😮 What is wrong with her.

I'm also not someone who usually thinks it's appropriate to make comments about people's appearance, but in this case sounds like she needed taking down a peg or two.