Should I tell my DP that I know he is lying

[JadeMember]

So my DP (46) does a cold lake swimming with a group of women. He is the only man and ladies are in the range of 40-70yrs. He got into the group through the lady he met through my son’s sport. I never met her as I’m at the different sport with my DD. So my DP called me today when I was at work and told me that the group is going to a charity event in the evening and someone pulled out, they need someone to fill the space, and if I would mind if he goes with them. I really don’t care tbh as my DC are with their dad tonight and I’m just happy having a me time. So my DP just send me a photos from the event and it’s not a charity event! It’s a silent disco😂. I googled the location and the name of the event that was on the banners in the photo. I don’t know why he lied. He doesn’t go out a lot and I don’t mind when he does go out. We don’t live in ‘each other’s pockets’ and are independent with our interests so I don’t understand why he lied. I don’t know if I should just leave it because I’m not really that worried or should I actually be worried about it and question it when he gets home?

So you told him he was pushing boundaries too far and in response he went out and bought supplies for the trip? I don't even know where you go with that tbh OP.
I would now be wondering if he lied about the charity event and it was just a cover for a night out with her - how do you have an amazing time at a silent disco? I'm baffled. Then he omitted mention France face to face when he got home. He seems to be having a really fantastic time with this woman every time he sees her, is he having a fantastic time with you at all?

So he still didn’t find his passport, even though he looked in the draw where the passport is. He is so stressed out. I’m downstairs on the sofa watching tv. His bag is packed and is downstairs ready to go very early in the morning. I looked through it and it has his cold water swimming stuff in it and change of clothes. I took his swimming trunks and swimming socks/shoes out but then felt guilty and I put them back. I might take them out again if I feel like a petty revenge. Although he still needs to find his passport. I understand when people say that I should say something to him but he does know I am not happy about him going and it’s crossing my boundaries. He doesn’t think he is doing anything wrong as they are just friends and he said that she obviously wanted to go with her friend but as she couldn’t go, the OW asked him

Do you know the other friend pulling out is true? Or is it all just your DP telling you this?

It worries me that he didn’t want to tell you.

Karma Is hiding his passport. Good.

It is reminding me of something that happened early in my relationship. I think this is a red flag. If it’s the only one it might be ok but keep yours eyes open. Wide open.

Maybe he thought it was a charity event?

I think you know what’s coming OP.
Be brave and while he’s away start planning your exit strategy. You might not need it but it’s better to be prepared.

He bought the supplies before we had the conversation. And yes he didn’t tell me anything about the France F2F but waited until I left and the called me like an hour later. He did go to a silent disco because I saw a receipt for some drink tokens. I don’t know though if they went as a group or not

He’s taking a change of clothing? This could be a point of no return OP. Stop him, if you want to stop it going into deep shit. The ow is showering, waxing, face masking moisturising she’s had her manicure and pedi today. She is ready. Don’t let her have it.

note: obviously you aren’t doing the pick me thing, it’s not that. You’d just be taking control. Then in future if he decides, despite your unhappiness, to continue, you know it’s probably over and time to move on.

A lot of affairs start as friendships. I don't think I'd be happy with this. He's spending a lot of time with her. Maybe I am unreasonable but you posted last night for a reason. Is your gut telling you something? I think men and women can be friends but his priority should be spending time with you.

Ah lovely - I've been the cool and very trusting wife - it seemed great in theory - until it wasn't - I only found out I had been made an idiot of 10 years later-

My H was in a similar situation- WFH in his 40s - no real local friends, although lots of friends who lived elsewhere. Liked having a 'new friend' - problem was new friend clearly saw him Asa decent looking , comfortably off guy and I think H got a buzz from some attractive 21 year old in my case who clearly liked him - at some point there was clearly an entanglement - I found songs and poems he had written about it - he says all emotional only - I will never fully know.

I'm far more cynical these days, there was nothing wrong with our marriage- even H says that too - he just enjoyed the flattery and I think the secrecy - guys can be such twats!! ( as of course can some women)

Do not let him find the passport!! Hide it quick!! See what his reaction is when he finds he can't go. Is he more upset about upsetting OW than he is about your upset?

Honestly, go speak to him just now. Tell him is this really worth ruining your marriage for. You don't want him to go, it's not appropriate and you are upset.

I will not ask someone to choose me as I should be the only choice

I get that Op.

But you're not.

So what do you do about that?

DP came downstairs asking why am I acting so cold towards him and not trying to help him find his passport. I have lost my shit I’m afraid. I said I am absolutely not happy about it and it’s very rude not inviting me to anything they go to. And if she is just a friend she should really be interested to meet me even if it’s only on one occasion. He said that she did ask about inviting me at the beginning but he knew I wouldn’t be interested in the sport events they go to. Yes he is correct but even if I didn’t go, it would be nice to be asked and I would probably go just to meet her. I asked him a lot of questions which he was willing to answer, showed me the pictures from swimming and last night and their messages. I only read a few of them from the last couple of days but it seems all just friendly conversation. I said that from now on, I will be coming with him when they meet up. He said that the group of them were talking about going hiking and camping in Snowdonia and he would be actually very happy if I would come. I’m going to hate it but I will give it a go. So there we are. I ‘found’ his passport and I hope I won’t regret it

Why are men such fucking idiots?

Although maybe he is actually a genius... because here we are...
You tail between your legs feeling like you overreacted and then HELPING facilitate him going and having his inappropriate relationship.... and him doing exactly what he wants irrespective of your feelings and fucking off to france with some woman despite being clearly told it's jeopardising his relationship.

He doesnt care about your severe discomfort because what he has "feels nice" and he doesnt want his "having a nice time" interferred with...

I dont know who needs to hear this but no one should have to hike snowdonia to ensure their partner keeps his dick in his pants / doesnt have an emotional affair.

He needs external friendship- that's fine and valid. An adult would realise what he has is not appropriate. He needs to find MALE ones and bin off this group of women who bake for him 🤮 and his creepy costco wifey

Oh goodness I’m really sorry. I imagine finding those songs and poems would be quite painful. And you are absolutely correct. Guys can really be twats and would risk losing their marriage over a bit of flattery and ego stroking

This is all crazy to me. This man has done nothing wrong, you’ve come on MN and been whipped into a frenzy. He sounds really understanding, and like a genuinely nice man, so I really hope hormones and poor advice from strangers online do not cause you to jeopardise your relationship.

I walked out of the kitchen and I’m hiding in the loo biting on the towel to silence my scream of utter frustration.

For goodness sake.

I certainly wouldn’t go hiking just to make sure he doesn’t have an affair. Same like I wouldn’t drive to France and back to make sure he doesn’t cheat. He is an outdoorsy person so I suppose I would be happy to join him occasionally to show my interest in what he likes.

Sorry I really didn’t convey myself well at all.

i just feel incredibly incredibly sorry for you. He is a prize arsehole for putting you in a massive lose / lose situation.
From here on out, whatever happens, and it will very likely be an affair of some sort, he has irreparably damaged the relationship and things the beginning of an end.

I came on MN to hear a different perspective and yes it does feel overwhelming and you can easily become more suspicious than you were at the beginning. I think when little things happen over the time, they can look innocent and I wouldn’t think twice about it. But when you write it all down, it makes you wonder whether something else was going on

Or, alternatively, you write it all down seeking a bit of support and neutral advice…and get MN. Where apparently men are pretty much always cheating, all of the time. Mumsnet is fantastic in many ways, but this is one of its main pitfalls.

Do you have friends irl who you can talk to? People who actually know you both and care about your wellbeing?

He is an asshole for not communicating and for agreeing to go on a trip when he knew I will not be ok with it. If I find out anything about cheating, well obviously we will be done. I will happily hold my hands up and admit that he fooled me. And then move on

Yes it’s the neutral advice I was looking for. I do have a few close friends I could talk to but I don’t think they can be neutral. They know me much longer than him and they would always want to protect me. They probably turn up at our house with pitchforks

Or, alternatively, as they actually care about you and know that blowing up your marriage for no reason wouldn’t be protecting you, they’ll give you kind, sensible, realistic advice.

As opposed to cheating obsessed commenters on MN, who are mostly here for entertaining updates.

Please talk to your friends.