Should I tell my DP that I know he is lying

[JadeMember]

So my DP (46) does a cold lake swimming with a group of women. He is the only man and ladies are in the range of 40-70yrs. He got into the group through the lady he met through my son’s sport. I never met her as I’m at the different sport with my DD. So my DP called me today when I was at work and told me that the group is going to a charity event in the evening and someone pulled out, they need someone to fill the space, and if I would mind if he goes with them. I really don’t care tbh as my DC are with their dad tonight and I’m just happy having a me time. So my DP just send me a photos from the event and it’s not a charity event! It’s a silent disco😂. I googled the location and the name of the event that was on the banners in the photo. I don’t know why he lied. He doesn’t go out a lot and I don’t mind when he does go out. We don’t live in ‘each other’s pockets’ and are independent with our interests so I don’t understand why he lied. I don’t know if I should just leave it because I’m not really that worried or should I actually be worried about it and question it when he gets home?

Just sending an unmumsnetty hug. You are doing great. Give yourself grace, it will continue to improve

Sorry you are going through this. You're doing very well and I'm pleased you have the support, both on this thread and IRL.

Your step dad is wonderful. Love how he asked the neighbour to look out for you, he really cares about you. Slightly irrelevant but might it have been him changing the passwords as he boxed up the office stuff? He's been a f'ing legend so far so I wouldn't put it past him!

I've just seen your latest post, it's great that your neighbour is able to look out for you. I hope you have a lovely day out Friday. You deserve to treat yourself after all of this!

@JadeMember I may have missed it but did you get the locks changed?

I'm glad your neighbour has agreed to help and even more glad you are going out. Be prepared for him to suddenly turn up on Thursday instead. Keep your door locked. It might be an idea to give your neighbour his stuff today then it's away from your house. Don't tell him you are going out. He doesn't need to know any of your plans

He gave my dad the keys but I didn’t feel safe so yes he changed the lock.

I’m not going to tell him that we are going out. I’m going to ask him what time and my neighbour will keep an eye on his car

Good plan. My exh tried turning up a day early to get his stuff and was confronted by me, my parents and a friend. He used his key, saw us facing him and promptly left. 😂 I think he had planned a mooch about the house, cherry picking what he would take.

You said he keeps finding ways to contact you—that’s so tough. Avoiding him is the right thing to do, but if you’re someone who needs things to make sense, not getting closure must be really frustrating. Realising he’s not who you thought he was after 10 years is a lot to process. And knowing he can’t be honest or take responsibility makes it clear that talking to him won’t give you the answers you’re looking for. Has he asked to see your DC?

You’d not be human if you didn’t feel these emotions. And entirely natural that you miss him. But actually, it’s not ‘him’ you miss, it’s the person you once thought he was. And the routine of sharing your space with someone (even if they aren’t very nice) - it’s sort of muscle memory that will fade, I promise you.

Glad you have a kind neighbour willing to help you out. I think you’re wise not to want to see him, or have him in your home. You don’t need to have that added pressure.

Hope you can go somewhere nice with the DC - it’s beautiful weather so make the most of it. Can the neighbour text you when ex has been and gone?

I thought I will need closure but I really don’t. I’m completely done and I don’t want to see him again. I spend ages deleting all of his photos so I don’t have to see his face again. He didn’t ask to see DC. He keeps messaging saying that he knows I hate him. I just don’t bother even replying to that. I do feel lonely sometimes and miss him/ or someone but that’s ok. I start reading about covert narcissist and get over it

It really is like a death as a PP said and it takes time to grieve and get over it. When my ex left I found myself doing things like automatically putting two cups out for tea then being in floods of tears when it hit me again. Cry when you need to, it's healing. You're being so strong,give it a few months and you'll be well on your way to a happier life. Good luck 💐

I hope your post and account is real because I just love Karma biting people in the ass.

You know, I wish it was made up. It would save all of my family a lot of heartache. I wish I threw him out years ago when I knew he isn’t a man I thought he was but I never ever thought he would have affair

It's obvious from this thread that you've got lots of support and love from people in your RL @JadeMember

I, for one, am taking it as a sign that you're a genuinely lovely person in RL

OP, he is a classic "fxxk up, find out" type of arsehole whom had it so good, despite being an absolute atsehole.

You now realise just how much shit you tolerated.

He cannot believe that you are done and he has really fxxked himself over.
He is raging and the constant "you hate me" is desperation for you to refute it.

Ignoring him will kill him.
It really is the most powerful hurt you can inflict on his type of arsehole.

Relentless silence.

You will recover and distance will show you this was the universe blessing you.

@Jademember just another one jumping on to show you some support.
You have handled all of this absolutely incredibly!

Your parents sound fantastic. I laughed out loud at your dad accidently telling him to sit and him actually doing it! 😂

Sending lots of best wishes and strength to you and your children.

It is interesting to see how the outside world (the prof and the swimming group) see his behaviour. He has conditioned you!

Oh god these people who cannot accept responsibility and manage to make everything about them!

Why can’t he see his life has turned to shit because of the choices HE made? He chose to have an affair with a woman with a mental health condition and then told you about her condition. It is not your fault, the woman’s fault (I’m not saying she has zero culpability but to try and blame her for the affair and say he didn’t actually want to do it is pathetic) or the swimming group’s fault!

Instead of “I have done this to you and you deserved to be treated better”, he comes up with”I know you hate me”. Yeah yeah all about you isn’t it mate??? You poor martyr. Must be awful to be hated. How sad for you! God I can’t stand people like this!

You have been amazing OP! You haven’t put a foot wrong. What an inspiration you are!! I will admit that your first post had me thinking gosh, poor chap, why is this woman so anxious about him doing a charity disco? He’s hardly lied about it. He just got a detail wrong. Well, that shows what I know! You sensed something was off. It wasn’t the professor and it wasn’t the disco, but your spidey sense had got hold of something and you were right. Take courage from that. Life will be so much better without this gaslighting excuse for a man. He isn’t who you thought. Sometimes that happens. It’s not your fault. You can miss the idea of him. Grieve for the person you thought he was. But also know you’re free now. Freedom brings so much mental peace even if you’re not ready to feel all the benefits right now. They will come. Enjoy being looked after by your friends and family. People wouldn’t be stepping up like this if you weren’t worth it. I think you’re wonderful!

It all makes so much more sense now. Over the years we have been together, he ‘lost’ 5 close friends who completely stopped communicating with him. I never really found what happened but it was obviously never his fault. His sister and her husband blocked him couple couple of yours ago and still don’t talk to him and again he is the victim and they are awful

Wow!! That's huge OP! So he's alienated pretty much everyone?
I'd want to know why his sister and 5 of his friends dumped him but in doing so would mean keeping yourself involved with him and his shit little world, so prob best avoided and you move on...

Edit: re-worded to hopefully make it read better!

I’m not going to get involved in all that but it would be for example going away with couple of friends for a weekend and they would cut him off afterwards. He could never properly explain what happened but it wasn’t obviously his fault. And I would think like poor him. He knows them for 25 years and they cut him completely off and never spoke to him again

Proper strange. It'll all come out eventually I expect!

That’s pretty wild if he’s not prone to massive arguments/ steals / fights / makes a romantic move on them. And the fact it’s never his fault yet there is a pattern there indicates his utter inability to self reflect or take responsibility.

Brilliant dad and neighbour.

I'd just quietly let all family and friends (including those who blocked him) know the relationship is over after his affair with a vulnerable woman he targeted.

Then wait - I'd bet the truth about what caused the estrangements will come.

I think you said the locks are changed and the rest of his junk will be with the neighbour and you all intend to be out?
That's for the best - If you see him, hear his voice, let him into your home, you'd be vulnerable.

I'd recommend you block him everywhere except perhaps a dedicated email as the only way communications can happen re the children and financial matters etc. Easier to keep and file email correspondence in a businesslike way than texts / phone messages / WhatsApp etc.

You have your horrified kids to think of as well as yourself.

Reaching out to family and friends will help you build up your support network.