Should I tell my DP that I know he is lying

[JadeMember]

So my DP (46) does a cold lake swimming with a group of women. He is the only man and ladies are in the range of 40-70yrs. He got into the group through the lady he met through my son’s sport. I never met her as I’m at the different sport with my DD. So my DP called me today when I was at work and told me that the group is going to a charity event in the evening and someone pulled out, they need someone to fill the space, and if I would mind if he goes with them. I really don’t care tbh as my DC are with their dad tonight and I’m just happy having a me time. So my DP just send me a photos from the event and it’s not a charity event! It’s a silent disco😂. I googled the location and the name of the event that was on the banners in the photo. I don’t know why he lied. He doesn’t go out a lot and I don’t mind when he does go out. We don’t live in ‘each other’s pockets’ and are independent with our interests so I don’t understand why he lied. I don’t know if I should just leave it because I’m not really that worried or should I actually be worried about it and question it when he gets home?

your dad sounds amazing.

Can someone please tell me how to stay strong. My parents are leaving tomorrow morning because they have some commitments they have to go back for but my stepdad is coming back in May. My ex wants to come and pick some stuff on Friday. He always finds a way to contact me. Why do I miss that piece of shit?! Is this normal after break up? I had break ups before but I’m very good at being logical and move on. This was so traumatic for everyone that I should hate him. I went to our neighbours house today to drop off a letter that was delivered to us by mistake and they told me that my stepdad was there this morning with the google translate on his phone and he was thanking them for their kind words to me ( they saw my ex leaving with suitcases and boxes ). They said my stepdad cried. I feel so fucking awful that he has done this to us and I feel so guilty for missing him.

Yes, it's normal to miss someone, even a rotten liar. You know that you're better off without him.

This stage is hurtful, but it's better for you than the hurt that he would inevitably put you through if you were to give in to the lying toad.

It's so convenient that he wants to pick up his things exactly when your support leaves....
Don't let him encroach and complicate your life. Can you prepare his things on the porch? Can you have someons there just for the visit?

I know I am better off. I’m being emotional because my parents are leaving but I do have a good friends around me

I know he keeps contacting me that I somehow changed a password on his computer because he can’t log in. It’s in his possession. My technical knowledge is not that great! I will ask my neighbours if I can leave it with them for him to pick up

You have done really well. Take control of Friday, get his crap packed and by the door. When it's almost time for him to appear put it outside the front door, keep an eye on it. As soon as you see him, shut your door and wash your hands of him, he is garbage. Xx

Your stepdad is a gem. That is what you are aiming for. Remember that.

Yep, ask your neighbours if they can mind his stuff and let him know where it will be (and that it will go to the tip if its not collected at the agreed date/time!!! Don't let him piss the neighbours about!!).

You miss what you thought you had, the illusion, the person he was pretending to be - thats not the real him and that will take some time to get your head around. You're grieving a relationship that died - keep remembering, he killed it.

You are strong. You have emotions and are still reeling but you are strong and you are dealing with this.

You dont miss him - not the him you now know him to be. You miss not knowing what a wanker he is, how duplicitous and manipulative and selfish. But - they’re the Before Times, and there’s no going back.

Stay strong OP

Sorry my phone is playing up and won’t let me finish sentences off but wanted to say reread the thread on weak points and call your friends or family or talk on here to us I can’t do full stops sorry it’s the phone this will help you stay strong

Re-read your own thread.
The only example of a good man involved is your stepdad.
The one who left, abandoned you, workers his way into a group of vulnerable women and has groomed at least one of them, is not worth your time.
Of course he will want to find a way back in. He can’t be with the vulnerable woman who he kindly shagged so she didn’t have a breakdown. The professor has realised what he was about, but is also an odd fish.
You are going to grieve. But if you give this man an inch, and let him back in, imagine telling your stepdad that. That you are allowing a man back in that he has done his best to protect you from.

Not your problem op. ‘I don’t know anything about any passwords and you’ll need to get help elsewhere. Your things will be at the neighbours on Friday for you to collect. I am not responsible for them post Friday, anything not collected will probably be disposed of.’

You don’t miss him, you miss the life you had and are grieving the life you thought you were going to have with him.

I wouldn’t see him on Friday, ask your neighbour or a friend if they can be there instead so you don’t have to deal with it. I would message him and tell him the plans and then explain that you will not be in contact anymore so he should stop contacting your children and you.

It's like a kind of bereavement. It was a long relationship that ended unexpectedly and in a shocking way. You have to go through all the raw emotions of upset, sadness, anger, disbelief (not necessarily in that order) before you finally reach acceptance, and every person takes their own time working their way through it. There's no knowing how long it will take for you. All you can do is accept these emotions and know you're on your way to healing, but you must block him everywhere so that he can't get to you. When he collects his stuff on Friday make sure every last thing is there so he has no reason to come by again. I too would ask the neighbour the favour of being the pick up point so that you don't have to see him yourself. Try to keep busy Friday, or go out, or have a friend round, as there's a good chance he'll knock at your door anyway. Good luck OP. If it helps, keep coming back here for support as we've got your back (might need a new thread at some point though) x

Hi op yes get someone else to do it if you can - he knows what he is doing and he is waiting for you to be alone so he can grind you down. You could tell him you can get someone to drop it round - he sounds like my ex but he was abusive but yes a covert narcissist- it's really is best you don't see him as you may fall for the vulnerability they show.

Do you have a doorstep? Leave his stuff there. It's normal to miss the relationship but he's not the person you thought you had a relationship with.

Gosh @JadeMember. I saw this thread at the beginning and it was about a silent disco and trip to France. You felt paranoid.

Now, he’s admitted having sex with someone else to help their mental health and you’ve chucked him out. He sounds a total mess. Having sex with a woman he met at a MH group for women sounds predatory. You were right to trust your gut.

Must be so hard for your DC when he took such an active part in their lives. They sound like teenagers too, so even harder time to go through a relationship breakdown.

Wishing you all the best 💐

Hi dear OP, staying strong is relative. You say that in other situations before you were logical and rational. That is a way to disconnect from emotions when you perceive they are too much, overwhelming. Emotions are not dangerous, the behaviours could be problematic. I would really recommend you talked to a therapist even if for a short period to guide through being with your emotions and grief. It is normal to feel sad, to miss the familiar. You haven't just lost a life partner, your kids also lost a father figure and you have lost what you envisaged your future would be together. This needs to be grieved and grief is not linear. It can feel unbearable at times and it will transform. It takes as long as it takes, everyone is different. Just remember that your relationship was not quite what you thought it was, you are seeing clearly now the truth and your pain is more about loosing what you thought you had rather than what you actually had. I hope that makes sense. Be kind to yourself, surround yourself with as much support as possible and befriend your emotions.
I do believe that some trauma oriented therapy will help. When trauma markers are present we are vulnerable to choosing relationships that are abusive, draining and that erode our sense of self and everything that comes with that. The therapy will not only help with what you are going through right now but also with your future relationships by breaking the patterns. I wish you all the very best, you deserve a relationship that is nourishing and supportive in which both partners bring 100% and not have to be carried. x

Something that helped me hugely when my husband left ( went off with a 17 year old colleague when our children were 2 and 3) was the quote " You can miss someone enormously without needing to have them in your life". Allow yourself to feel what you feel. I used to cry buckets once the children were asleep and then put the kettle on and make myself some toast. Keeping it in didn't work. Letting it out brought relief. In a year you will be in a fabulous space. Keep going on the good days, the bad days and the bloody awful days. It gets easier and one day you will get to indifference. That's a vety peaceful place xxxxx

Do not let him in your house!!! He probably thinks he can smooth talk his way back and if you are wavering already, I would be concerned. It is ok to miss someone while simultaneously loathing them. You miss being in a relationship, not necessarily him.
I think asking the neighbour to be the port of call is a good one. Then go out on Friday. If you can't, lock your door and ignore any knocks.

My exhusband was a narcissist. I went back to supply teaching to earn some money and a friend was looking after my youngest. My husband rang ( landline no mobiles in the 90s) apparently in floods of tears. She quickly pointed out that she wasn't me and that I wasn't available. The tears of terrible, utter despair switched off instantly. "Oh I'll ring her later, cheers" said in a perfectly normal voice. Utter arsehole.

Is it half term where you are? Is he trying to get at you when he knows you and the children will be home?

Op. Stay strong . You can do this. Just make sure you are not home. Block all means of contact.

He is trying to manipulate you.
He'll be needing a place to stay and will be saying anything to get what he wants.

Thank you everyone once again! I definitely don’t want to see him. My neighbour will be at home and agreed to pass his stuff on to him. His ex wife cheated on him so he said he won’t listen to his sob stories. We were meant to be at home with children on Friday but we will go out. Seeing how much damage he has caused, children are not interested in seeing him and didn’t contact him. That will really hurt his ego!