Should I tell my DP that I know he is lying

[JadeMember]

So my DP (46) does a cold lake swimming with a group of women. He is the only man and ladies are in the range of 40-70yrs. He got into the group through the lady he met through my son’s sport. I never met her as I’m at the different sport with my DD. So my DP called me today when I was at work and told me that the group is going to a charity event in the evening and someone pulled out, they need someone to fill the space, and if I would mind if he goes with them. I really don’t care tbh as my DC are with their dad tonight and I’m just happy having a me time. So my DP just send me a photos from the event and it’s not a charity event! It’s a silent disco😂. I googled the location and the name of the event that was on the banners in the photo. I don’t know why he lied. He doesn’t go out a lot and I don’t mind when he does go out. We don’t live in ‘each other’s pockets’ and are independent with our interests so I don’t understand why he lied. I don’t know if I should just leave it because I’m not really that worried or should I actually be worried about it and question it when he gets home?

This is spot on.

The professor was outright strange from the start. Finding all the ‘spare tickets’ and taking a family man away on so many weird outings then the ‘feeling threatened’ comment.

The partner was sorting a mortgage out behind OPs back - after two weeks of not speaking and having an affair with a vulnerable woman. Whether the affair started before or after the France trip with the professor she will probably never know. It sounds like he was lining up someone from the group be it the OW or the professor. Who knows. He shouldn’t be in that group full stop so glad he’s been turfed out.

Your step dad is a legend and I’m glad you have support from your parents too.

This is not the behaviour of a ten year old relationship with someone who has respect for you. He has behaved abhorrently, using his MH to deflect from his behaviour likely during the whole ten years and preying on vulnerable women in addition to the outings with the professor abroad.

You will have wobbles, as PP say it is how the end of a relationship plays out as we grieve the loss. It’s the fear of the unknown and stepping out into that - it’s scary, of course it is. You made life plans and he was part of your family.

This man deserves no time from you OP. He has chosen this path. You will never trust him again, and as the old saying goes - he has shown you who he is.

Stay strong, know that you have support in real life and on here.

Sending you the strength of a warrior to get through the dark days, but know that you will and you will see a bright future given time.

"I read my posts from the beginning and I can’t believe how stupid I was to put up with my ex"

Please dont think that about yourself.
You treated a partner who constantly blamed MH issues etc on his problems, with decency, support and trust.
Not having those qualities himself, he didn't recognise their value.
Instead he played everyone he met to feel sorry for him, to support and bolster him.
He's an arch manipulator, probably so used to that as his day to day modus operandi that he may not even realise he's doing it.
But being near him is damaging so its good you are out from under his influence.

Another reason you must not blame yourself is that when one is trying to be supportive, one makes allowances. This is a loving thing to do with a partner who is not manipulative and perhaps he wasn't always like that but as he got more comfortable, he got more selfish?
It must be hard to see that manipulation close up, on the smaller day to day things... it's only when something bigger tweaks your radar and you take a step back and start to consider an alternative scenario that you begin to see it.. and you finally have.

Thinking about his mortgage efforts OP.
Perhaps as he "Lies for England", you should check your bank accounts and finances etc.. and make sure that he's not been using your address or personal details to apply for credit cards or loans. It might involve registering something with your main bank or with experian to check he's not doing something devious.

I'm sure someone on here can recommend an up to date financial protection checklist on how to do that. It may not be necessary but, It's just as well to be sure.

@JadeMember how kind and thoughtful of him to not dump the ow in her mental time of need 🙄

ffs

what a total knob head twunt !!!

and you and dc have had a very lucky escape. Even more that you didn’t marry him

he is probably totally shitting hisself due to having no home now

Just something to think about, what will you do - if he turns up at the door with the dog and says he can't look after it himself / any more ?

Sorry. It’s shit. It messes with your head. I am just reading (well listening to) It’s not you by Dr Ramani and it’s really helpful. Helping me to move forward with a bit more clarity.

One really helpful thing to keep hold of is that he never set out to hurt you. He just doesn’t see your pain. If he shows empathy at all, it will be performative empathy.

It’s just feels so shit. I broke my nail today and cried for two hours.

Oh my love, 10 years is a very long time to build a life with someone, only to find they’re not who you thought they were. You’re being incredibly brave, you’re doing all the right things - but it is just shit. In the words of Michael Rosen:
We can't go over it.
We can't go under it.
Oh no!
We've got to go through it!

Have you thought about some counselling to help you through this?

(And be kind to yourself - broken nails really are quite crap too 😉)

I don’t know if counselling can heal broken heart. It changes between anger, relief and heartache. I have support around me but when I’m in bed on my own, it’s the hardest time.
And my nails where so beautiful and long for the first time in years and now I broke one😩

Totally understand. It really hurts. Because you have been engaging with him relationally and with real emotions. If he is a narcissist then it was transactional for him.

Allow the waves to come. The only way to get over grief (and it is grief but a very complicated type of grief) is to go through it. So cry when you need to, talk with people who get it and just know that it’s not you. It’s a him thing.

It hurts. And it will hurt for a while. But you will get through it. Stronger and wiser.

wishing you loads of strength and peace. Dr Ramani always helps me to feel sane again when my head is whirring and I start to doubt myself.

Ah you poor thing....the broken nail being the last straw.
Mind yourself.

I had couple of glasses of wine this evening which was a mistake because it made me so emotional. My dad just came to my bedroom to say goodnight and I was crying and he hugged me and cried as well, then my mum came and started crying because she is so upset for me too. And I can’t believe that all three of us were crying over this cheating piece of shit!

@JadeMember the three of you are grieving for the loss of what you thought you had. Perfectly normal. And of course your Mum/SDad are upset for you and the kids as well as their own loss. I don’t know you and I am saddened, too. But it will get easier, with time.

I was thinking it’s interesting how she’s reacting. She obviously feels betrayed also. Whether that was bc she had designs on him that she thought were reciprocal - and now feels a massive humiliation of him actually carrying on with someone else in the group - or whether she is disappointed with his conduct, as she thought he was a friend, and her invites were actually platonic bc she liked and respected him, and now she’s seen his true colours and blames herself for being taken in by him - who knows. Although if it were purely platonic you’d think she may be more sympathetic and loyal to him as a friend ie being willing to give him the benefit of the doubt etc, the fact she’s ’out for blood’ perhaps suggests there were stronger feelings there

Only read OP’s posts.

You are awesome to have come through your situation in the way you have. Your Dad (stepdad) is wonderful too “sit” 🤣🤣🤣

You will have an amazing life without this narcissist hanging on to your coat tails.

What a lovely lovely dad you have. He sounds incredible x

Awww @JadeMember bless you ((hug)).
Like another commenter said, you need to allow the grief to come through.
It's so shit but better to not be with someone whose a cunt than to be with someone whose a cunt x sending lots of love and comfort x

I don’t think I will ever know the truth and I will just have to make a peace with it. It’s really fucking hard as I like to know all of the fact and then make a judgment on those facts. But whatever he was doing and whoever is was betraying, apart from me, it’s on him. I hope he fucking burns in hell!

At the very least, her 'I hope you don't feel threatened' comment was snotty.

Thank you! He really is lovely. He cried and laughed with me and I don’t think I could cope without him here. I translated all of the messages to him and how so many of you think how wonderful he is. He was absolutely astounded by that and cried hearing how kind people were. He just thought he is doing his job looking after me. He is my stepdad but he was my ‘dad’ for many years

He sounds the best step dad 💙

sit

is so much better then wait - coz he did sit

A dad is a dad, no matter whether there's a "step" at the front. A dad is a dad by virtue of his actions and your stepdad is most definitely a wonderful father!

Glad you're carrying on, despite the broken nail, and the veil has well and truly shifted. In a funny way, his terrible behaviour will make it easier to move on because you can never have any "what if..." moments.

A dad is a dad, no matter whether there's a "step" at the front. A dad is a dad by virtue of his actions and your stepdad is most definitely a wonderful father!

This is so true. My husband is step dad to my four adult children and they love him so much, because of all he's done for all of them. They barely see or interact with their birth father.

After I'd known one of my best friends from school for about 4 years, she casually dropped into conversation that the man everyone called her dad, including her, wasn't actually her dad, but her stepdad. He, like your DH, had taken on the role to her and her 2 siblings without question and treated them all his own. All 3 kids had taken his name and he formally adopted them all.

He gave her and her sisters away at their weddings and introduced himself in his speech at my friend's saying "for those of you that don't know me - I'm the dad!".

Her bio dad was occasionally in the picture, but they all sadly learned at a very young age that he was not a role model, nor could he be relied upon to be a father to them. It says enough about him that he happily signed away his parental rights to allow someone else to adopt them.

That is what I was thinking too!