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Original poster

Should I tell my DP that I know he is lying

1000 replies

JadeMember · 21/02/2025 22:21

So my DP (46) does a cold lake swimming with a group of women. He is the only man and ladies are in the range of 40-70yrs. He got into the group through the lady he met through my son’s sport. I never met her as I’m at the different sport with my DD. So my DP called me today when I was at work and told me that the group is going to a charity event in the evening and someone pulled out, they need someone to fill the space, and if I would mind if he goes with them. I really don’t care tbh as my DC are with their dad tonight and I’m just happy having a me time. So my DP just send me a photos from the event and it’s not a charity event! It’s a silent disco😂. I googled the location and the name of the event that was on the banners in the photo. I don’t know why he lied. He doesn’t go out a lot and I don’t mind when he does go out. We don’t live in ‘each other’s pockets’ and are independent with our interests so I don’t understand why he lied. I don’t know if I should just leave it because I’m not really that worried or should I actually be worried about it and question it when he gets home?

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 04/04/2025 15:54

BelleDeJourRose · 04/04/2025 12:45

Yes, they were certainly wrong about mumsnet advice weren't they!

Show quote history

Yep! (I remembered it wrong the first time 🙄)

And this

Or, alternatively, you write it all down seeking a bit of support and neutral advice…and get MN. Where apparently men are pretty much always cheating, all of the time. Mumsnet is fantastic in many ways, but this is one of its main pitfalls.

And yet, they are (nearly) always right. Its just a pity some men make it so easy for us to be right... 😉

StopStartStop · 04/04/2025 16:05

@JadeMember - love The Prayer Mat of Flesh

Glad things are going ok. 'Sit' was magnificent.

researchers3 · 04/04/2025 16:14

MinnieDelight · 23/03/2025 05:11

During that massive argument, did you ‘break up’ or discuss breaking up? Did either of you try to reconcile during those two weeks? Moving into the spare room and not speaking for that length of time suggests a serious breakdown in the relationship tbh.

You mentioned he had built up a large deposit—did the topics of moving out, or buying a house come up during that argument? Had he ever mentioned the other woman to you before, even as a friend he was supporting? Or was she a complete surprise?

I’m absolutely playing devil’s advocate here, but—
You accused him of cheating despite never having had reason to suspect him before and it’s possible at that point he wasn’t cheating. The argument was so serious that he moved into the spare room, and (I assume) you didn’t apologise for accusing him. You’d never had a fight like this before. Trust has been broken and he feels you don’t trust him anymore.

At that point, he might have thought: Sod it—I haven’t done anything, but I’m being accused anyway. I’ve spent years saving for a house, but she won’t commit, so where is this relationship going? Then, he turns to the low-hanging fruit—a vulnerable woman he’s befriended. Maybe he confides in her about your relationship breaking down. Suddenly, his ego is being stroked, he’s getting attention he wasn’t getting from you. He has a deposit ready, he knows his housing situation is vulnerable if you kick him out, your relationship is on the rocks/possibly already broken down so he could face being homeless, so he applies for a mortgage (which can be done online in an hour).

Then reality hits. He realises what he’s done but blames it all on you. He’s still angry, nothing has been resolved, and rather than face painful feelings and self-reflection, he runs straight to an OW - something many men do (not as an excuse, just an observation). He feels guilt but also like the victim so he breaks up with you.

This might be completely off the mark, and it doesn’t excuse his actions. He may equally have engineered the breakdown and had an affair. And multiple other affairs, who knows. But to me, it reads as a massive breakdown in communication, leading to the kind of lashing out people do when they’re hurt or feeling like the victim. If any of this rings true, I’d want to hear what he has to say. Not because there’s a way back, and certainly not because what he did was acceptable, but because after ten years, this is such a sad way for things to end. It’s also difficult for your kids to process—someone who was a big part of their lives suddenly gone overnight.

Edited
Show quote history

Gosh, you really are falling over yourself to excuse this man's behaviour arent you!!

Why? Far more likely the op was picking up on his behaviour and responding to that.

Original poster
JadeMember · 04/04/2025 16:38

I was at work today so just catching up with the messages. I’m going to answer a few questions in one go.
Tbh, I don’t care what happens to OW but as far I understand, it was only him who was kicked out. In terms of mortgage, he definitely got mortgage approved in principle but he was looking at houses when I kicked him out of the house. I have asked my parents and DC to block him now. He called me a psycho for telling professor about the affair and that I am trying to ruin his life

OP posts:
Delishous · 04/04/2025 16:45

Well done on getting the DCs and DPs to block him.

He's despicable, abusive and a predator.

Put him in the rear view mirror and drive forward fast leaving him in the dust.

Get very busy with your DCs, friends and family - prioritise getting out and grabbing any opportunity not to be preoccupied with him.

WavyRavey · 04/04/2025 16:57

He deserves his life ruined the creepy weirdo, I'm glad they've kicked him out, if she's bipolar as well the manic could stop in the near future and she might feel a wee bit silly.

inigomontoyahwillcox · 04/04/2025 17:02

So he's going to be out of a job soon? Surprised he even got a mortgage in principal, doubt the mortgage will go through when the mortgage company finds out about his tenuous employment.

So he will be out of work, no mortgage and living with a very vulnerable woman so I doubt that relationship will be anything other than dysfunctional and/or short lived. Plus he's been booted out of the swimming group and his name is mud. Whilst you have your house, your kids, your job, good friends by the sounds of it, amazing parents and no dog to look after!

If ever there were "winners" and "losers" in the breakdown of a relationship, you have definitely come out on top.

BiggySwish · 04/04/2025 17:04

I’m guessing he’s still denying the affair, which means he’s doubly pissed off —he knows you know he’s a liar and you’re exposing him and shaming him for what he is. So now he’s twisting it to make you the villain rather than accept he’s in the wrong. Classic.

This part is really hard, no way around it. But you’re handling it like a pro—keep going. And well done for ignoring him and getting him blocked.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 04/04/2025 17:04

I can't think what kind of person would actually get a secret mortgage behind their partner's back so they could move out secretly to make a grand, dramatic and indeed spiteful gesture designed to cause maximum hurt, whilst continuing to live in your house, technically as a partner whilst house hunting in secret. That takes some planning and a very devious mind.

You are well rid of such an underhand and resentful person in your life.

rainbowruthie · 04/04/2025 17:14

Onwards and upwards my lovely - you are well rid

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 04/04/2025 17:26

Psycho. That old chestnut.
Which OP is not.

Daisymae23 · 04/04/2025 17:40

that must be really tough for him….. having to face the consequences of his actions 😛😛😛😛

treesandsun · 04/04/2025 18:49

Daisymae23 · 04/04/2025 17:40

that must be really tough for him….. having to face the consequences of his actions 😛😛😛😛

Exactly that - anything and everything that is happening to him is as a direct consequence of his actions. The nerve to try and blame you.

Cafenoisette · 04/04/2025 19:03

Oh sweet karma. He deserves everything that's coming to him.
Good riddance OP.

Original poster
JadeMember · 04/04/2025 19:11

Delishous · 04/04/2025 16:45

Well done on getting the DCs and DPs to block him.

He's despicable, abusive and a predator.

Put him in the rear view mirror and drive forward fast leaving him in the dust.

Get very busy with your DCs, friends and family - prioritise getting out and grabbing any opportunity not to be preoccupied with him.

Thank you! And I am trying to constantly keep busy. My social life has never been so busy as it’s now and I have sorted out the admin at work which I have been putting off for about 6 months. I kept super busy today so I don’t go back to the low place

OP posts:
Original poster
JadeMember · 04/04/2025 19:14

treesandsun · 04/04/2025 18:49

Exactly that - anything and everything that is happening to him is as a direct consequence of his actions. The nerve to try and blame you.

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Looking back, it was always the case. He was never able to take any responsibility for his actions. It was always someone else’s fault and he was the victim

OP posts:
Original poster
JadeMember · 04/04/2025 19:21

inigomontoyahwillcox · 04/04/2025 17:02

So he's going to be out of a job soon? Surprised he even got a mortgage in principal, doubt the mortgage will go through when the mortgage company finds out about his tenuous employment.

So he will be out of work, no mortgage and living with a very vulnerable woman so I doubt that relationship will be anything other than dysfunctional and/or short lived. Plus he's been booted out of the swimming group and his name is mud. Whilst you have your house, your kids, your job, good friends by the sounds of it, amazing parents and no dog to look after!

If ever there were "winners" and "losers" in the breakdown of a relationship, you have definitely come out on top.

Yes he got a mortgage in principle but a few days after, his contract was for a renewal. They only agreed to 3 months and he has to make 500k sales which is not going to happen, as so far, in 12 months he done £0. It was a long time since I applied for a mortgage so I can’t remember how it all works

OP posts:
mistlethrush · 04/04/2025 20:18

You absolutely did the right thing telling the swimming group about what he has done - and it would have helped in terms of you seeing 'the professor' when you're on sporting mum duties and might see her there - it will have helped to explain why you were rather off with her after the French trip.

The only reason you need to know what happens about the mortgage is because you might need a forwarding address for any post - otherwise, who cares whether he gets the house or not!

How on earth did he manage to make no sales in 12 months and yet still be in the company?

Blondeshavemorefun · 04/04/2025 21:00
Sit Down No GIF by Law & Order

I’m sitting laughing at step dad saying sit and he did 😂

Original poster
JadeMember · 04/04/2025 21:29

mistlethrush · 04/04/2025 20:18

You absolutely did the right thing telling the swimming group about what he has done - and it would have helped in terms of you seeing 'the professor' when you're on sporting mum duties and might see her there - it will have helped to explain why you were rather off with her after the French trip.

The only reason you need to know what happens about the mortgage is because you might need a forwarding address for any post - otherwise, who cares whether he gets the house or not!

How on earth did he manage to make no sales in 12 months and yet still be in the company?

Sorry I made a mistake it was a 6 months contract and they extended for another 3 months with expectations of sales going through.
BUT I have another update! The professor lady messaged me. It appears that my ex doesn’t live with the OW anymore and when professor contacted him about the whole situation, he said that it is OW’s fault because she was targeting him and he was only trying to support her through mental illness but she was too unstable to just cut things off with her so he proceeded to have an affair so she doesn’t ‘unravel’. The professor asked me if I can collaborate this story ( which I can’t because he told me he was flattered by her attention and her mental state was not a concern to him at the time and also I have a lot of proof that it was very much of him instigating things ). So once again he is blaming everyone else for this situation. Blaming me for saying everything to the professor, blaming OW and her mental illness and blaming pressure of his work which put him in a bad headspace.

OP posts:
WiddlinDiddlin · 04/04/2025 21:36

Hahhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaa oh dear ... he was JUST having an affair with her for the good of her health?!

My, WHAT a gentleman.

RealEagle · 04/04/2025 21:36

Bet he ends up with professor

RandomMess · 04/04/2025 21:40

I wouldn’t tell the professor that is his MO to prey on vulnerable people and not take responsibility for his actions.

LushLemonTart · 04/04/2025 21:43

Wow he's shocking. Surely the prof can see through him?
Is he trying to get back into the swim group?

Dontbeme · 04/04/2025 21:45

he proceeded to have an affair so she doesn’t ‘unravel’.

So he was screwing her for the good of her mental health? Well @JadeMember how could you have let this philanthropist, this God among men slip away from your life?

What a twat he is, he's now learning that the dildo of consequences is never lubed.

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