Should I tell my DP that I know he is lying

[JadeMember]

So my DP (46) does a cold lake swimming with a group of women. He is the only man and ladies are in the range of 40-70yrs. He got into the group through the lady he met through my son’s sport. I never met her as I’m at the different sport with my DD. So my DP called me today when I was at work and told me that the group is going to a charity event in the evening and someone pulled out, they need someone to fill the space, and if I would mind if he goes with them. I really don’t care tbh as my DC are with their dad tonight and I’m just happy having a me time. So my DP just send me a photos from the event and it’s not a charity event! It’s a silent disco😂. I googled the location and the name of the event that was on the banners in the photo. I don’t know why he lied. He doesn’t go out a lot and I don’t mind when he does go out. We don’t live in ‘each other’s pockets’ and are independent with our interests so I don’t understand why he lied. I don’t know if I should just leave it because I’m not really that worried or should I actually be worried about it and question it when he gets home?

What happens with the OW now though? I mean I know it's not your concern but if she's that mentally vulnerable is she being removed from the group as well, in which case being isolated even further by the predator, or does he get booted out but she still continues? I know you don't need to care about any of that but just curious as I can't see how that's going to work at the group.

The more you post, the more it's clear that you've done the right thing in getting rid of him.

It's quite right that he's been kicked out of the swimming group.

If he wants to see the OW he doesn't have to attend the group anyway.

Having been vulnerable myself at some point, it’s not OP’s concern, but it is very disturbing that this man has targeted someone and has now either moved in with her or moved her in.
OP did the right thing telling the Professor. Having read the thread she sounds a bit odd herself. The trip to France was very strange. Murky waters indeed.
I am still in awe of Superman Stepdad and his instruction to sit.
And the ex? Thought he had a cunning plan. Clearly getting lots of female attention in his group, moving out to his new pad and then he’s been outwitted. Now he’s going to have to deal with the harsh reality of living with a very vulnerable woman.
It also struck me that he’s saved a lot of money by living with OP.

OP, I've not read your updates since I last posted but caught up this morning.

I appreciate this is still very difficult for you but, from the outside, the way it's playing out is beautiful.

He clearly thought he was being ever so clever and is now left with nothing.

I have a bit of experience of people with bipolar. If OW was in a bit of a manic state, she might well have sent some pretty full-on messages and potentially done some things she’ll regret when she’s come back down to earth. I know someone who ran away from her husband and kids for two weeks with another man. Once the manic state passed, she was desperately distressed at what she’d done (fortunately they managed to repair the marriage). I suspect she’s not keen on the idea of actually having a relationship with your ex. I’d be a bit sceptical about having a mortgage approved and an offer accepted in 2 weeks as well. Tends to take longer than that, so I think he’s been bullshitting and now regrets it. What a mug. Good on you for calling him on it but so sorry he’s done this to you all.

Amazing how often mumsnetters are right when women have these instincts isn't it!

I think him having an affair is what jeopardised the relationship. The poor advice is from you.

Not what I would call fun, but probably more fun than cold water swimming.

Him targeting a vulnerable woman at the cold water swimming club.....did he target you when you were vulnerable in the past? Seems he also was a cocklodger which may be another of his motivations.

Fucking hell, this is insane.
You are awesome, well done!

Don’t be surprised if he tries to wriggle his way back in like the snake he is, once the reality of his new relationship sets in. Keep strong and ignore him. Onwards and upwards.

Lol all the people suddenly just reading OP's first post and having no idea what the poor innocent man has done and how crazy OP must have gone due to 'hormones' 🙄

Those posts are from Feburary though...

Please change the locks when he has gone. Even if he hands over the keys.
My daughter recently went through a nasty break up.
He handed the keys over and left. But she found out he had taken copies and he was letting himself in when she was at work.
Even opening the remote roller garage door in the middle of the night, scaring the daylights out of her.
Take care of yourself and the children.

Yes, they were certainly wrong about mumsnet advice weren't they!

Quite right for him to be thrown out of the woman only cold water swimming group. Is nowhere free from men?

This with bells on.
Your step-dad is a total legend!! What an absolute cracking bloke he is.

So pleased your ex took the rubbish out himself but sorry you have been heartbroken over it all.

You most certainly did the right thing with regard to telling the Professor at the swimming group; whilst you have no need to feel anything for this OW, I wonder how long they'll last given her MH issues and him being such a self-centred arse. What the hell was he doing in a 'womens only' swim group anyway?! FFS.

Hope you and the kids get your lives back on track. 💕

My feeling is that exDP was using the professor as a diversion tactic while he got his claws into the vulnerable OW. (She might also have been his Plan B.)
Don't look there, look over here, where there is absolutely nothing going on and I can show you the texts to prove it.
You don't just decide to get a mortgage over two weeks, this has been in the planning stage for some time. He made a mistake when he moved in with you, OP, the village lifestyle just doesn't suit him, but he was too lazy and too much of a coward to admit it. So instead he messed about behind your back, and blamed you for everything.
What a dishonourable man he is.

At first i thought.. if told my missis i was off to France with another woman, she'd hit the roof and bounce off all the walls. No bloke is that oblivious! Having read the whole thread, how very sad.

Seems like you've freed yourself from a massive weight, OP.

It WILL be tough, and he WILL try to re-write history (and even the present, if his self-pitying nonsense about being kicked out of the group is anything to go by).

But he's the kind of man who preys on vulnerable women. How revolting.

why is everything about the perimenopause or something biological? perhaps your relationship needs looking at or maybe it is a damn strain policing one's spouse in a society that needs the oppressive couple dynamic to keep its economy alive.jeez.i want to break free.

The "oppressive couple dynamic to keep it's economy alive"

This place gets better everyday and because I'm too mean to subscribe here its free entertainment 😁

Just catching up and wanted to say how much your Step Dad telling him to sit and then found him sitting on the step, made me laugh.
I know the whole thing is quite distressing for you but it's great that you have family support and can still see the funny side in his ridiculousness.

Planning to move into a new house purchase whilst you were out at work without any discussion! if indeed he wasn't lying about that too. The Pinnacle of Shitness. His moving out huff has meant that you are now rid of him and his problems with remarkable ease. He's also made himself utterly ridiculous as demonstrated by being expelled from the all women cold water swimming group for his behaviour!

Your care and attention can now be all for yourself, your lovely DC and your dear parents and family. Onwards and upwards x

Glad you and your DC are doing well, OP.

It sounds like your ex is getting what he deserves after lying and gaslighting you for so long about who he really was.

RTFT

I just can’t think of a nicer person to be banned from his mental health support group. Well done you! Luckily it shouldn’t matter to him as his new partner is extremely mentally stable and well grounded so will be ideally placed to pour the energy and support into him that he needs. 😁

i hope she gets free of him too, seems quite possible now the others in the group know more about him and since she can’t actually provide anywhere near the support and focus his ‘mental health’ (npd) expects, so he might struggle to stay nice when he’s not being adequately pandered to.