Should I tell my DP that I know he is lying

[JadeMember]

So my DP (46) does a cold lake swimming with a group of women. He is the only man and ladies are in the range of 40-70yrs. He got into the group through the lady he met through my son’s sport. I never met her as I’m at the different sport with my DD. So my DP called me today when I was at work and told me that the group is going to a charity event in the evening and someone pulled out, they need someone to fill the space, and if I would mind if he goes with them. I really don’t care tbh as my DC are with their dad tonight and I’m just happy having a me time. So my DP just send me a photos from the event and it’s not a charity event! It’s a silent disco😂. I googled the location and the name of the event that was on the banners in the photo. I don’t know why he lied. He doesn’t go out a lot and I don’t mind when he does go out. We don’t live in ‘each other’s pockets’ and are independent with our interests so I don’t understand why he lied. I don’t know if I should just leave it because I’m not really that worried or should I actually be worried about it and question it when he gets home?

Go back and read your whole thread @JadeMember you have been treated appallingly from the moment he joined that group. All a web of lies, deceit, keeping things from you, not considering you at all.
And yes he’s cheated on you and he’s also been running about with a woman ten years older than him. That might not entail sex but the whole France trip was bizarre.
He told you he did what he did because you did not support him enough.
So you got the dog to support him and then you had to fall in with that.
He has made no attempt to do anything to talk to you with any decency. He’s just done what he wanted and let you sit in a loo, wanting to bite into a towel, in tears.
He arranged a mortgage behind your back. That’s someone who is leaving, with no decency and no thought for your children.
Now faced with the cold reality of a bipolar, vulnerable woman who probably wants him there as a support system he’s thought hang on, life with Jade was easier.
I will tell her I still love her. Little tearful reunion with the kids.
You did the hard work when your stepdad came over. He’s a man of honour and decency.

How about you RTFT.

Wow that was not a joke and if you’re having doubts about him having an affair, don’t! Nobody talks to someone of the opposite sex like that, applies for a mortgage behind their partners back and when found out, immediately moves in with his bit on the side, without having an affair. You don’t need the “we’re over” chat.

I think it might help if you list all those things that happened that you didn’t tell anyone. All the times you can remember having to put your needs to one side to pander to him and his fragile ego. List them all. Keep it and refer to it often. Those things happened. Your feelings about them are valid.

💯

I know it wasn’t a joke. No one of opposite sex would send messages like that if they were only friends.

I wouldnt let him anywhere near my DCs. I would tell them that he betrayed you and all of you as a family. His actions were duplicitous to your DCs and your family set up - role model to them that such behaviour requires no soft soaping of the perpetrator. His conscious actions have hurt them directly and indirectly.

If he’s going to meet your kids, I think I’d want a full confession of guilt from him first because if you’ve been honest with them and they ask him questions and he denies it, that’ll be deeply confusing and bewildering for them.

I do think you are wise to let your children see ex on neutral territory with your lovely mum and stepdad in control. I think that to suddenly cut off all contact permanently would be hurtful and confusing to your DC. You need to help them find a way to navigate through what is potentially a difficult time for them and I think your approach is sensible. Of course course, it doesn’t mean YOU have to have any contact with him.

Keep your children away from liars and gaslighters - any contact will be slf serving to him - either for his ego, to get back at you, to keep in contact with you, to hurt you further etc.

I wouldnt spend the next month until Easter in liason with him, preoccupied with him, and then the months after dissecting or picking uo the pieces of this meeting - I would be moving my children on emotionally with immediate effect.

You are a family of 3 now - you are strong, loving, unconditionally loving and supportive - looking forward .... why let this gaslighting creep who has turned your and your family life inside out have any influence, purchase etc? Circle the wagons.

Like many posters I wouldn’t let a liar, cheat and gaslighter anywhere near my children, by Easter he will be ‘in the past’ leave it that way.
He will most likely get extreme satisfaction out of the meeting as in getting one over you/getting his own way…..once again.

Yes, I agree with this.

I think you should do what is the best for the kids. It’s not about what he deserves. Your children had their own relationship with him and want closure and that is fair. You don’t have to be a part of it and your suggestion for them to meet up with your mum is a good one.

I’m sure it will be a reality check for him on the damage he has done to them too. If he cared about them at all this would be the worst sort of punishment. Your mum can stop the conversation if what he says is not appropriate.

He must not be allowed to pull any MH fakery or 'woe is poor misunderstood me' on your kids at this meeting.

Agree with this. As youre proposing to wait a while until they see him, I’d also just keep a temperature check about whether it still feels right and necessary in a couple of weeks. You might all be feeling very different by then.
I also wouldn’t send them in blind - and by that I mean you’d need to see what headspace he’s in. Be confident if he does want to see them it’s for the right reasons, I.e; not to save face for himself, to place blame or to get back with or at you. Which means you will need to have a dialogue with him and it doesn’t sound like you’re ready for that yet.

Read back over your own posts and pick out the phrases you have used to describe him OP.

He sadly has depression but uses his MH to berate and control you.

He is a highly manipulative manchild, throwing tantrums to get his own way.

He cannot be trusted to not use his well honed victim status in the presence of your DCs - even if its not words his demeanor will be self serving. They really dont need this nonsense. I suspect though that they have seeen and sensed enough already .... and thats before we even get to the cheating, lying and gaslighing. He is duplicitous - and as others have said by a month there will likley be cracks in this relationship and he will come slithering back. Dont expose your DCs to him. Focus on healing, realigning and moving on not dragging it out.

Wonder if he's so desperate to contact you because he can't stay at this woman's house and his mortgage has been refused because he is on contract work.

He'll be needing a place to stay.

Op, you are doing so well. I'm glad you have what sounds like a lovely, supportive family.

You will get through this. X

If you go ahead with your mum and stepdad taking your children to see him at a park, make sure they know to stop any conversation about you in its tracks. In fact, I would go as far as to give them a list of forbidden topics. Any mention and they take your children away.

Absolutely this.
Honestly, I think a meet up will be just an opportunity for him to try to manipulate your DC and change the narrative. He'll be asking your DM all about you with puppy dog eyes infront of them.
He needs somewhere to live again OP, this will be in the forefront of his mind.
Was he thinking about them when secretly applying for his Mortgage?
I wouldn't put them through it.

My anxiety ramped up so badly during peri - I was constantly catastrophising and spiraling. Terrified I was going to be fired, for absolutely no reason - in fact have been promoted since then & receive rave reviews. I started therapy & it has been a lifesaver.

That’s good you just sounded like you were waiving a bit, and that is so easy to do when it’s all so raw. But stay strong you can do this! I speak from experience when I say, it will and does get easier and after a while you look back and realise how happy you are now and what a lucky escape you had. Good luck

Just remember ' They asked if they can say goodbye to him and our dog '

HE

may not even want to say goodbye to the children...

I just wanted to update anyone who will still read this. My DC are adjusting well and now stopped asking to see my exDP and dog. It helps that we have still my stepdad here and now my mum too. My cupboards and drawers have never been that organised.
On the different note, I have seen the woman ( professor) and I have told her everything and showed her the photos of their disgusting messages. I also told her that my ex told me the OW in the MH swim group has biopolar condition. Today my ex has been trying to get hold of me through my DC and my parents. He send messages saying that it’s my fault he is now being kicked out of the group because they don’t want anyone there who is preying on mentally unstable and vulnerable woman. None of it is his fault obviously. Apparently they have reported that to a head office who manages all the mental health swim groups and it’s not the first time when someone preyed on the vulnerable person. And also sharing the OWs biopolar is a massive no no. They can’t share the info with anyone outside the group. Well he fucked himself there!

Aw that's so nice that your Mum is now with you too - nothing like family support is there ( and yes it distracts the children's minds a bit )

and yes he shouldn't be in the swim group !
Did the professor actually say anything in reply ?

@JadeMember he brought this on himself. Ugh.