Should I tell my DP that I know he is lying

[JadeMember]

So my DP (46) does a cold lake swimming with a group of women. He is the only man and ladies are in the range of 40-70yrs. He got into the group through the lady he met through my son’s sport. I never met her as I’m at the different sport with my DD. So my DP called me today when I was at work and told me that the group is going to a charity event in the evening and someone pulled out, they need someone to fill the space, and if I would mind if he goes with them. I really don’t care tbh as my DC are with their dad tonight and I’m just happy having a me time. So my DP just send me a photos from the event and it’s not a charity event! It’s a silent disco😂. I googled the location and the name of the event that was on the banners in the photo. I don’t know why he lied. He doesn’t go out a lot and I don’t mind when he does go out. We don’t live in ‘each other’s pockets’ and are independent with our interests so I don’t understand why he lied. I don’t know if I should just leave it because I’m not really that worried or should I actually be worried about it and question it when he gets home?

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. The pain really is awful and there’s nothing you can do but sit with it, and then distract yourself until it passes. And it will pass. @JadeMember
Reading through your thread - have I understood correctly from timings that when he went to France with the professor he wasn’t at that point having an affair with the other woman - but he got back from France and you had a massive row and during the week you weren’t talking, that’s when he started an affair (or the photos appeared) and he applied for a mortgage behind your back?
Is this all one big act of childish revenge on his part because of your argument?

It strikes me that you’ve been reluctant to commit to him - didn’t want to buy a house with him, didn’t want to marry him (all for good for good reason). Had this been raised again recently? You say he said you showed no feelings - but then you went bananas at him for going to the hockey match, he saw he could actually make you jealous and show feelings.

I wonder if his affair was to get back at you for accusing him of cheating, for not wanting to fully commit (in his eyes), and now you’ve fully cut him off his act of revenge is feeling pretty hollow.

He probably wants to apologise. Not to make you and the kids feel better, but so he can feel better about himself.

Rubbish. He was being inappropriate at absolute best and given he has essentially moved in on a group of vulnerable women who meet due to mental health challenges, using his own mental health to justify his place, I’d be surprised he hasn’t had other affairs. If you had an argument with your partner could you start an affair that weekend? I couldn’t- even if it did start that weekend he’d laid plenty of groundwork. Running out and getting a mortgage is not a spontaneous action either.

I don’t really know. I was not suspicious of anything going on and he rarely gone out without me ( unless dog walk ) before meeting professor. Since then he was meeting with her more often but he would also bring my DC so I didn’t think much of it. We had a massive row after his trip to France and since then he slept in a separate bedroom. A few days after that the photos started to appear. Like photos of him and OW not the professor. We hardly spoke for two weeks and then when I confronted him he said that he applied for a mortgage and put an offer on a house. In two weeks!

of course your children need to be able to say goodbye (and continue to see him after is they want). He has been living with them, you can’t just cut him out of their life without even letting them say goodbye.
If you would genuinely do that then don’t let another man move in as you clearly aren’t putting your children’s feelings ahead of your own.

When does your stepfather leave ?
Could he supervise a meet up with the ex and dog and the children so that you don’t have to be there ? Or could a friend do this for you if he is unable to ?
While they’re out do something nice for yourself - pampering or tea and cream cake at a good cafe.
Are you able to take on a new pet ?
Good luck and gentle hugs

If he can build a relationship with someone new, apply for a mortgage and put an offer on a house within two weeks just because of your VERY understandable concerns then he’s unhinged. I doubt the affair was only two weeks old.

He has shown you who he is. Believe him.

This pain you are feeling is the flip side of love. Without this pain we wouldn’t have love. It will pass. It will get easier. Allow space for it when you can. Look after your physical body so it can heal emotionally. Keep hydrated. Exercise, eat nutritious food, laugh with friends, be present and connected with Dc. It will get easier. It’s been such a shock and it will take time.

It would be good for DC to get to say goodbye but ONLY if you trust him not to use it to get to you. I have my doubts. Ask a friend your DC likes to be there but be ready to comfort them when they come back. If you can’t trust him then get DC to write a goodbye letter to them. That will create some sense of closure.

Remember HE did this not you. Don’t let your child’s hurt sway you. He has shown you his true colours. Not only has he cheated, he has cheated on you with utter contempt. He has betrayed your trust completely. Show your DC what happens and what to do when this happens. What would you advise her to do if it was her?

Sending you love and strength. You’ve got this. You will recover. The acute pain you are feeling doesn’t last forever.

During that massive argument, did you ‘break up’ or discuss breaking up? Did either of you try to reconcile during those two weeks? Moving into the spare room and not speaking for that length of time suggests a serious breakdown in the relationship tbh.

You mentioned he had built up a large deposit—did the topics of moving out, or buying a house come up during that argument? Had he ever mentioned the other woman to you before, even as a friend he was supporting? Or was she a complete surprise?

I’m absolutely playing devil’s advocate here, but—
You accused him of cheating despite never having had reason to suspect him before and it’s possible at that point he wasn’t cheating. The argument was so serious that he moved into the spare room, and (I assume) you didn’t apologise for accusing him. You’d never had a fight like this before. Trust has been broken and he feels you don’t trust him anymore.

At that point, he might have thought: Sod it—I haven’t done anything, but I’m being accused anyway. I’ve spent years saving for a house, but she won’t commit, so where is this relationship going? Then, he turns to the low-hanging fruit—a vulnerable woman he’s befriended. Maybe he confides in her about your relationship breaking down. Suddenly, his ego is being stroked, he’s getting attention he wasn’t getting from you. He has a deposit ready, he knows his housing situation is vulnerable if you kick him out, your relationship is on the rocks/possibly already broken down so he could face being homeless, so he applies for a mortgage (which can be done online in an hour).

Then reality hits. He realises what he’s done but blames it all on you. He’s still angry, nothing has been resolved, and rather than face painful feelings and self-reflection, he runs straight to an OW - something many men do (not as an excuse, just an observation). He feels guilt but also like the victim so he breaks up with you.

This might be completely off the mark, and it doesn’t excuse his actions. He may equally have engineered the breakdown and had an affair. And multiple other affairs, who knows. But to me, it reads as a massive breakdown in communication, leading to the kind of lashing out people do when they’re hurt or feeling like the victim. If any of this rings true, I’d want to hear what he has to say. Not because there’s a way back, and certainly not because what he did was acceptable, but because after ten years, this is such a sad way for things to end. It’s also difficult for your kids to process—someone who was a big part of their lives suddenly gone overnight.

“I had to google what grey rock is. I didn’t realise I have been doing this for years. He would ‘throw his toys out of the pram’ over something insignificant. Instead of entertaining his tantrum I wouldn’t emotionally react to it. Then he would say that it’s hard to be with someone who is emotionless. I thought there is something wrong with me and he said that I just don’t have any emotions or empathy”

You have also said he’s been gaslighting you for years and that he complained that you don’t look after him like you do DC when he’s ill (eurgh).

He might have a narcissistic personality style. I know it’s over used but I’ve just realised my STBXH does and it is so helpful to understand. Check out Dr Ramani ‘It’s not You’ on audible or watch her videos on you tube.

even if he doesn’t fit the bill, he went away with another woman and bought a house within a week of you kicking him out. A week! He must have been together (emotionally if not physically) before then.

Even if that is what happened, that is one sick puppy. That is a very immature way to handle the breakdown of an 8 year relationship and shows no respect for it or her. Additionally she has described his tantrums and that she had to ‘grey rock’ him to avoid escalation. He has moaned at her for not taking care of him well enough (man child).

To be close enough to the OW that she was happy to go away for the weekend with him says that at the VERY least he was having an emotional affair.

Plus lets go right back to the beginning of the post - he hid an upcoming trip to France from her until the last minute.

This man has not shown the OP any respect and is clearly, at best, an under developed man child and at worst a cheating narcissistic abuser.

Wow. Empathy fail alert!! Give the OP a break. She’s had a massive shock. And let’s remember that HE has caused this. HE hasn’t thought of the children in this. She is now picking up the pieces of the utter devastation HE has left.

I’m so sorry this has happened. What a cowardly man.

For your children, I would suggest getting them to write letters saying goodbye and passing them on if possible? It’s important to give them the sense of an ending, and I agree meeting up is too risky as you don’t know what he might say to make it worse.

Sadly he doesn’t love anyone but himself, it looks like he’s already realised that the grass is not greener elsewhere. He’s regretting throwing away his easy life and having you look after him and his bloody dog. Be strong, you will get through this, the first few weeks are definitely the hardest and having dc upset makes that worse. But if you let him back this will happen over and over, once he knows he can get away with it, he’ll just keep on doing it to you. Be kind to yourself and dc, treats etc. could you have a little break from work and go back with dsf for a holiday.

Remember this op, I bet you covered up a lot. I do think your kids should get to say good bye - and even see him from time to time. But wait a month so that you can find some equilibrium first.

I can just imagine the pandering and pampering you'll have to perform for him should you let him back in your life OP.

While he was cheating and lying he was in control.
When he had to face your stepdad that was taken away.
Now he still loves you and wants to talk? He wants the control back.
Do not give it to him. I know your DC are upset but they are children and can’t know what he has done. And he’s deceived you all as a whole family.
The lying. It has been constant and even the stuff with the Professor was odd. No wonder she was absent.
I should imagine life with this OW is not going to be fun now. So he’s back pedalling.
He has not treated you with any kind of love, and as well as the affair he has treated you with contempt. You thought that swimming group was to support his MH and for him it was a hunting ground.

I seriously doubt it's a coincidence she didn't go.

It’s hard to see your children upset but remind yourself that you didn’t cause this! He did this to you and to them. If for some reason he was unhappy then he should have ended your relationship properly before deciding to cheat.
I think he wanted an ego boost and some attention from the ow, I don’t think he would have actually left you.
Now hes has all the free time he wants to spend with the ow, he realises that it’s not right and wants you back.

Put yourself first here, you’re bound to find this heartbreaking and it’s normal to miss him and consider seeing him but I think the space will do you some good just now. If the children ask to see him then explain that right now isn’t the best time. Yes they will need some closure but you decide when the time is right and even then, maybe you step dad or a friend could meet up with them, not you.

It’s also normal to want him to feel the pain you’re going through but ‘revenge’ isn’t the way. He will come to realise soon that he’s lost a family, but right now, let him wallow in his own self pity. He’ll see you being the bigger person and moving on with your life.

Hmm yes.

I wonder if instead of being grateful to be back he would be trying to make you be grateful that he deigned to come back?

He just wants the opportunity to make himself sound validated and justified. No fucking way would I allow that.

You are grieving, PP are correct. Be extra kind to yourself.

I also agree re planning something positive like a holiday or new pet. Could you visit your mum?

You will get through this and you owe him nothing.

If your children are expressing that they want the opportunity to say Goodbye to him and to the dog, I personally hope you will feel able to allow it. I understand you are devastated but so are they. You don’t have to be there - maybe your stepdad could facilitate it while he is still there with you? I have personal experience of something just ending without the opportunity to say Goodbye and it’s hard psychologically.

Totally up to you of course and what you feel you can cope with at the present time.

Edited to say it’s not the right time to get a new pet. It won’t replace the dog and could end up just being more work for you which is the last thing you need at the moment. Maybe a new pet in time but not now it’s too soon in my opinion.

So I spoke to my mum and she agreed with what most of you are saying. I should let them to meet and say goodbye. But not just yet, I told them that they can text him and arrange to meet in Easter holiday. My mum is coming over and she and my stepdad can take DC to a local park to meet him. Those are going to be my terms and if he doesn’t want to do that, if he says he wants to collect them or something, I’m not going to agree to that.
I honestly don’t know if the affair started before but he never mentioned her to me and there was no photos of them from before.

Sorry just to address some points people mentioned. He never admitted to having an affair and claimed the comments I saw ( about f*cking her in the arse ) were a joke she made. That he was flattered that someone was showing him attention. We never had a ‘we are over’ conversation in those two weeks we didn’t talk.
He applied for the mortgage but I don’t know if he got approved because his current work contract will finish in 2 months and it didn’t look like they will extended.

He is really insistent on lying about everything isn’t he. Not the sort of joke a friend would make to another ( married) friend of the opposite sex. He probably just hates the idea that you are telling people what was said so wants to pretend it was a joke. Ha Ha.

Yes. He just wants damage limitation on his reputation.