Should I tell my DP that I know he is lying

[JadeMember]

So my DP (46) does a cold lake swimming with a group of women. He is the only man and ladies are in the range of 40-70yrs. He got into the group through the lady he met through my son’s sport. I never met her as I’m at the different sport with my DD. So my DP called me today when I was at work and told me that the group is going to a charity event in the evening and someone pulled out, they need someone to fill the space, and if I would mind if he goes with them. I really don’t care tbh as my DC are with their dad tonight and I’m just happy having a me time. So my DP just send me a photos from the event and it’s not a charity event! It’s a silent disco😂. I googled the location and the name of the event that was on the banners in the photo. I don’t know why he lied. He doesn’t go out a lot and I don’t mind when he does go out. We don’t live in ‘each other’s pockets’ and are independent with our interests so I don’t understand why he lied. I don’t know if I should just leave it because I’m not really that worried or should I actually be worried about it and question it when he gets home?

Write it all down @JadeMember
All the things he did you overlooked - you’ll probably see a pattern in his behaviour. It might help you process things.
The whole thing sounds pretty calculated - sounds like he could’ve been looking for an out for a while but didn’t want to leave until he’d got someone else lined up.
Is there anything else on your iPad of his you can find to back up your suspicions?

Same here finally seeing mine for what he really is

Hi, I don’t know if this post will find all of those kind people who helped me through my break up. I have told my DC today about it and it was so heartbreaking. They asked if they can say goodbye to him and our dog and I didn’t know what to say. I cried so much this week but seeing my DC crying just broke me. My ex tried to call me few times since Tuesday and he messaged that he wants to talk and that he still loves me but I blocked him. Then he messaged my stepdad, who is still here and he is a massive support, if he can talk to me. Bless my stepdad he just replied NO. But I’m so anxious all the time. I still feel like he is part of my life. Should I hear what he has to say to me? I’m thinking it might give me some closure. Should DC meet him and our dog to say goodbye?…I feel that would be more painful for them. My stepdad packed all of his stuff and now it’s sitting in the office so I don’t have to see it. Why do I miss him and it hurts so much after everything he has done?

Oh OP I’m so sorry. Sending so Much love to you and your kids. I’m so glad your stepdad is still there for support. I don’t have any advice but I admire how you have handled this situation.

@JadeMember awww, I’m sorry you’re feeling so awful, but you’ll get over it (and sooner than you think). This is today, now. A part of your upset is that your dc are so upset, but there’s a whole mix of other reasons in there too. End of an era, basic HURT that he lied, gaslit and cheated you. You feel used and bruised, feel foolish that you trusted him, feel why was I not enough, etc etc etc. But you ARE enough, he isn’t. This is all on him. And soon you’ll feel angry that you cried over him! Take time for yourself, acknowledge the feelings and know that they’ll pass. You miss him cos he was part of your life for ten years. It wasn’t all bad. You’d be odd if you didn’t miss him now n then. Self care for you and the dc, and be glad you have the Mighty Stepdad there with you. Ex wants to talk and he still loves you? Having buggered off to shack up with another woman?? FOTTFS. And again. Then he can wait.

Oh dear, does the ow think it's time he moved out of hers - already.

he has nothing he needs to say to you, and nothing you want or need to hear.

he clearly doesn't realise you meant it when you said it's over.

the children won't gain by seeing the dog, as they may want to see it again, and again.
they certainly won't gain from seeing him ! the lying cheating scumbag

how soon can he collect the rest of his stuff - which you will have outside waiting for him, and you won't be in.

No. I don’t think you should give him the time of day. Read those messages between him and OW again…

The children definitely don’t need to see him again. Can you get a new pet?

I promise you that completely no contact is the best way to heal. Get his shit out of your house in the next few days. He’s history. Your future is far brighter without him.

What can he say that will change anything?

He has been seeing someone else.

If that means he loves you...

Glad your stepdad is still with you and you’re not alone ,Sending hugs to you and your kids

Don't forget that it isn't just about this & that there were other things you were unhappy with.

Just remember what he’s done to you and the children - basically has blown up all your lives. Don’t forget that, he’s done it once (or more?) and most likely will do it again. Stay strong for all of you.

Your brain is telling you the next part is hard, and its sucky and its unfamiliar and scary.

So it wants to reset back to when things were familiar and not scary, even if those things weren't good for you, weren't really what you believed them to be...

Resist!

OW chucked him out then?

I felt strong for couple of days and I thought I am over it/him but today was hard and I have that painful feeling in my chest again. I just want to know how to stop feeling hurt or angry or sad. I feel like I am sitting back and he is still somehow hurting me even though he is not here.

I find I need something to focus on / to plan - distraction.
same maybe for the children ?

so could you consider a pet ?

could you go ' away ' during the Easter holidays that are coming up ?

Well done for being so brave and telling your kids. That must’ve been incredibly difficult.

It’s hard to say whether you’ll actually get closure from a conversation with him, what could he realistically say? You may have some things you wish to say to him - but again, some things are better left unsaid.

I might consider getting step dad to message him back ask him why he wants to talk to you - and to be specific, not just ‘we need to talk’. He may want to say goodbye to your DC, which sounds like something they want. Or there may be some practical things he wants to resolve? Or perhaps to apologise - if he gave you an unreserved apology - would it make you feel better?

There are no right answers here, you need to do what feels right for you. But I’d reread those messages before speaking to him again, just to stop you wobbling!

I'm sorry it's so tough, @JadeMember . How do you feel about your children seeing your ex and the dog? Not immediately while it's all so raw but later on.

You’ve got to go through this horrible bit but you’ll get through it and be happy. Stop thinking about him and the ‘good times’, remember there were very very bad times. You know you shouldn’t speak to him - it’s not fair on you or your children and he’ll feel like he’s got his own way - again. Keep busy, all of you and look to the future.
Saying goodbye to the dog has disaster written all over it - it will just cause further upset.

I don’t know what he could say to give me a closure. It’s just emotional right now because my DC were so sad after I told them. I really want to hurt him ( not physically) so he knows the pain he caused to my DC. My friends are coming up with all kind of revenge I could do. But I don’t think it would hurt him but it might make him think I am unhinged!

Do you think he genuinely cared for your DC? 10 years is a long time to be part of their lives. Most revenge will make you look bitter and probably not feel great in the long run - but I wonder if you told him how upset your DC are by what he’s done, whether that’d make him feel worse than an act of revenge. I don’t know though - he sounds utterly selfish so it may not even be registering he’s missing them. Maybe you could send the OW the messages where he’s saying he still loves you! 😂😂

I’d guess the reality of what he’s done has begun to dawn on him and he’s beginning to regret his behaviour. Nothing like being homeless and relying on the goodwill of someone with MH issues to focus the mind….
Did you speak to the Prof yet?

I do believe he genuinely cared for DC. He wouldn’t be able to pretend for so many years. When I looked through his photos ( that’s how I discovered OW ), until 4 weeks ago there was mostly photos of children and/or our dog. I am not going to tell him how upset DC are because it wouldn’t serve any point. I didn’t see Prof today. She didn’t come but her DS was there

@JadeMember you are grieving. Allow yourself the time and space you need to move on though your grief. You are coming to terms with being deceived and lied to by the person you trusted most in your life, the memories of your time together have been tainted, your imagined future has been destroyed and you are no doubt feeling adrift. It probably feels very real now that the DC know, it’s ok for them to be sad, he was a significant person in their lives and this was out of the blue for them too. Encourage them to voice their feelings, be honest with them (in an age appropriate way) so that they don’t put him on a pedestal.

There is nothing to be gained by having contact with him, closure comes from yourself not him. You will have closure once you have processed your feelings and reached a point of peace, that is your closure. The best revenge is living well and that includes not giving him the opportunity to spin some sob story, disrespect you further or upset your DC with whatever hollow promises or apologies he offers them. It will be hurting him more than you realise to be entirely cut off from you all, he lost all the control and he only wants contact so he can feel like he still has it.

What a total arse he is. With a bloody strange idea of what love means. And for what it's worth I don't think revenge is necessarily unhinged. Maybe Justice would be a better term. Why the hell should he get to walk away with his dignity intact? Why should you have to collude in keeping his disgusting behavior quiet? B*** that for a game of soldiers. Wishing you strength and a brighter future

Thank you and I hear what you are saying and 100% agree with it. And I hope this closure will come at some point and I can move forward.

@JadeMember I think he might be realising that the grass is not always greener on the other side but you have already thrown the weedkiller down on your side. dont bow down to him because he will end up doing this again. perhaps your can get your kids a couple of kittens or some other pet. ask your lovely step dad to drop his stuff so he doesnt need to come back and try to grovel.