Should I tell my DP that I know he is lying

[JadeMember]

So my DP (46) does a cold lake swimming with a group of women. He is the only man and ladies are in the range of 40-70yrs. He got into the group through the lady he met through my son’s sport. I never met her as I’m at the different sport with my DD. So my DP called me today when I was at work and told me that the group is going to a charity event in the evening and someone pulled out, they need someone to fill the space, and if I would mind if he goes with them. I really don’t care tbh as my DC are with their dad tonight and I’m just happy having a me time. So my DP just send me a photos from the event and it’s not a charity event! It’s a silent disco😂. I googled the location and the name of the event that was on the banners in the photo. I don’t know why he lied. He doesn’t go out a lot and I don’t mind when he does go out. We don’t live in ‘each other’s pockets’ and are independent with our interests so I don’t understand why he lied. I don’t know if I should just leave it because I’m not really that worried or should I actually be worried about it and question it when he gets home?

I think you should just apologise to her, that you had reasons to be suspicious but it was the wrong woman, that it was actually x. Then leave it there. I wouldn’t go into anymore detail than naming the woman.

You won't be telling her anything she doesn't already know.

Why is everyone suddenly feeling sorry for the "professor lady", I get that it turns out the do didn't choose her for an affair and op said what she said re bikini model, but this woman's behaviour still stands as looking like someone angling for the dp.

A few threads ago she was a potential ow inappropriately chasing a married/partnered man but now she's the wise professor?

Just because the dp is having an affair with a different woman it doesn't take away or change what was happening between dp and her.

Someone called it earlier on saying dp had infiltrated a woman only safe space, he's predatory under the guise of the poor man with MH problems.

Whilst I get the anger against him and the feeling of wanting him to hurt a little like you are hurting, showing the professor the screenshots won't do anything good in the long run. You will be seeing her week in week out now.

A simple I'm sorry but it turns out he was having an affair just with X is sufficient. Hobby groups can be very circular and actually they might get the cold shoulder from some of the women anyway due to the affair.

Having read through everything, I would go with the policy that his MH is no longer your problem. He wasn’t remotely concerned about yours. Share the screenshots. Make his name dirt. Gaslighting, manipulative shit.

I'm late to this but just wanted to add that your step-dad is the perfect example of how brilliant some step-dads are!

Definitely apologise to the professor - if she's very MH minded I'm sure she'll be forgiving.

But yes, going back to one of your earlier posts, she sounds like she'd be an amazing friend if you can keep her onside!

Perhaps it's time to take up cold water swimming OP!

Nothing about an affair, nothing about the house being hers, I read the OP post, I see nothing of the sort.

Have you read all of her posts?

I absolutely would not protect him; his behaviour sounds incredibly predatory. It’s notable how panicked he was that the swim group might get ruffled- that’d absolutely be my cue to make sure they know.

Judging by her messages, he has absolutely not been “supporting her mental health”—he is fundamentally a liar. That message suggests that their relationship has been going on for far longer than three weeks, meaning his deception runs much deeper. Or, perhaps even worse, if their relationship became sexual within three weeks, he has likely taken advantage of a vulnerable woman. Did she know he was in a relationship?

If you feel you want to show the messages to the professor or anyone else, just be careful—whatever you do, don’t send or text those screenshots to anyone, as that would be illegal

FWIW I think this good advice from @Codlingmoths

I would apologise to woman 1 though, say I’m so sorry for being so snappy and rude, I was so stressed about my relationship and I focused on the time he was spending with you as I didn’t know he was having an affair with <her name!! Tell her who it was!> anyway he’s moved out obviously and I think I’m better off but I am really sorry, you seem like a really interesting fun person and I was just jealous and upset, you didn’t deserve that.
bonus it gets the news out 😁

The (OP) Original Post was in February, the (OP) Original Poster has posted numerous times since then. If you read them all, you would understand better what has happened. You can filter posts so that you just see those written by the OP: at the time I am writing, you seem not to have read 78 posts of hers which followed the original one.
Sorry, I meant to quote/reply to @Hwi but got lost along the way.

Please don’t go on some kind of revenge rampage affecting the innocent members of the swim group. Chin up, head held high, you don’t need to stoop low. I wish you all the best for a better future.

I’d be almost certain the reason he doesn’t want those messages to get out is not because the group would be ruffled but because it will reveal him to be a predatory bastard infiltrating the group under the guise of having mental health issues and more than likely doing this with more than one woman. Don’t cover for him.

I don't think this woman was innocent. She knew she was spending a lot of time with someone's partner and knew if might upset some women.

I also agree with @SpringIsSpringing25 that she probably knew what was going on.

I think you are doing brilliantly OP! Re the swimming group. I agree that he has taken advantage of a group of women with various levels of mental health issues. The prof is included in this. We still don’t know her motives for the friendship. If I was in that group I would want to know. As other PP have suggested, I would apologise and mention the affair. I would keep screen shots to yourself at this point. Although you could tell the prof you have proof if she seems not to believe you.
Take care of yourself this week, remember to eat and rest. Many of us are thinking of you.

OFGS

Read all the posts before you look daft as you only know half the story (no change there, then)

Does it not bother you that most threads you post on you generally miss the point(s)?

Even more reason to do it - it will only cause issues for them.

He sounds predatory and I wouldn't be surprised if he's working his way through vulnerable women and that's why he doesn't want the group knowing what he's up to.

I absolutely would not involve the professor woman in any way other than a brief apology. Her behaviour with your husband was also suspect, and her remark to you was weirdly antagonistic. Keep your dignity, OP. Your ex may have been playing games with various of these women, don't tangled up in his shenanigans.

I would apologise to the prof. woman, and include name of OW, but bare in mind that she was also very much a threat to your relationship. None of my female friends would think it was fine to invite someone else's male partner to go away with them. Nil thought for, or respect towards you.
I also agree with PP, that your now ex, sounds like a manipulative predator. It is definitely in the interests of the group, that they are made aware of what is going on.

I agree with this I don’t think you owe anyone an apology ,

At the end of the day the professor woman still happily went away with a taken man though and kept asking him to be her plus one. Just because they weren't the ones having an affair it was still a shady way to be behaving. She had lots and lots of friends she could have turned to first.
I wouldn't take into account how your ex would feel at all. Give a shit. He made his bed so absolutely no ficks given for him not wanting the information shared.

If it's mainly a mental health support group then it's probably a good idea for them all to see his true Intentions as it doesn't seem like he was there for MH at all. Just a massive ego boost as the minority male to take all the ego stroking he was able to get

Hope the hand over is going well today xxx

MH support group sounds like a free for all and your partner in the middle .Hope your doing ok

This, absolutely let it out, the group deserve to know he’s a predator.

If you want to hide something successfully, hide it in plain sight.