Should I tell my DP that I know he is lying

[JadeMember]

So my DP (46) does a cold lake swimming with a group of women. He is the only man and ladies are in the range of 40-70yrs. He got into the group through the lady he met through my son’s sport. I never met her as I’m at the different sport with my DD. So my DP called me today when I was at work and told me that the group is going to a charity event in the evening and someone pulled out, they need someone to fill the space, and if I would mind if he goes with them. I really don’t care tbh as my DC are with their dad tonight and I’m just happy having a me time. So my DP just send me a photos from the event and it’s not a charity event! It’s a silent disco😂. I googled the location and the name of the event that was on the banners in the photo. I don’t know why he lied. He doesn’t go out a lot and I don’t mind when he does go out. We don’t live in ‘each other’s pockets’ and are independent with our interests so I don’t understand why he lied. I don’t know if I should just leave it because I’m not really that worried or should I actually be worried about it and question it when he gets home?

Of course it was an affair. It always is.

I used to be very laid back and relaxed, completely trusting of my partners but after two massive disappointments I have to hand it over: being too relaxed is unfortunately a prime position for cheating to happen. People will take advantage of your kindness. Not only your partner, but people who also don’t give a damn if your partner is committed or not.

Hope everything goes smoothly today @JadeMember it's so good that your stepdad is handling things today and supporting you emotionally.

I agree with others that their "relationship" will soon lose it's shine when real life comes calling. Who is going to be the strong one when they are both needy? Will make a change for him to have to support someone else & I highly doubt he will like it. At least his "poor me" attitude will no longer be your problem.

You're handling things brilliantly so keep holding your head high.

Your stepdad sounds wonderful. I truly believe your life will be easier- no more caring for him, managing his emotions, days out with your kids without having to worry about the dog MAKE SURE HE TAKES THE DOG!
while this woman who isn’t well enough to work due to mental health issues will apparently be all the support he needs while he will have to support her too, and they can’t go away or out for the day without sorting something for the dog…

I would apologise to woman 1 though, say I’m so sorry for being so snappy and rude, I was so stressed about my relationship and I focused on the time he was spending with you as I didn’t know he was having an affair with <her name!! Tell her who it was!> anyway he’s moved out obviously and I think I’m better off but I am really sorry, you seem like a really interesting fun person and I was just jealous and upset, you didn’t deserve that.

bonus it gets the news out 😁

Perhaps try reading the thread. Or at least just OPs posts.

Well he didn’t start an affair with the woman in question at that point in the post so you didn’t have a basis for that

Oh wow, I've just read through your posts OP. Your partner is a bastard. I hope his cock is infested with the fleas of a thousand camels and drops off and that his next shite is a hedgehog.

You will be so much better without him. Big hugs to you 🫂 ❤️

I am so sorry OP, what a shit situation. I also wonder if all those posters who said 'stop assuming he's cheating' are feeling remorse. Whilst it is right to give a balanced view it was clear from his behaviour, in particular his willingness to disregard your discomfort at his going to France, that he was not a good partner at the very least and likely checked out of the relationship. No one should be pressured into letting their partner do things that make them uncomfortable because we have to trust them. Trust but verify - of course you shouldn't stop your partner doing things but if you find they are lying to you and disregarding your feelings that is a clear sign something is very wrong, in which case of course you should be discussing and checking up on them and the situation.

Great you have your stepdad there OP, hope he gives him a boot up the arse. What an absolute selfish twat. Work from home in a cafe you absolute dickhead. Ultimately OP based on the relationship you've described I am certain you will be happier without him, without having to crush down all of your emotions. Good luck telling the kids, I'd just be honest with them and tell them that if they want to see him again you're happy to try to facilitate that- you know he cares about them but given he appears to be having a mid life crisis you don't know what he will say. Good luck!

I think what the poster is trying to say is you can't blame every thought or negative emotion on the menopause. Which i agree with. If it turns out he did lie ... what would the conversation here be then. It is a trend now to blame everything we do wrong (which isn't even probably wrong ) on menopause.. now it's the peri menopause which most of us don't even know for sure is the case without a blood test, or another one to justify any negative action is well i have adhd or I'm on the spectrum. No doubt there are many ppl who do have a condition (I'm not sure where we sit with menopause being a condition before you all abuse me) that impacts their behaviour but for society now it's a trend more then a reality. Takes away from genuine issues from ppl who really suffer.

Did he propose? Does he want to marry you - these are the issues that should be on your mind, not the stupid silent disco for geriatrics. There are bigger things that should worry you. As such, he owes you nothing, if you are not married, legally you are two strangers, living together for some reason, there must be a reason. Re-evaluate your 'relationship', but first you need to establish 'what we are to each other'.

Argh! Please read OP's posts!!

Out with the rubbish today OP! You will be able to start recovery then 💐

Well done for telling your friends Op, as you say sadly you’re not the first person this has happened to and others will be able to empathise and support both you and your DC when they know what you’re going through.

Hope the handover goes to plan today and your step dad gets the satisfaction of your ex feeling some shame and humiliation at how he’s treated you.

I’m sure it’s still painful but once his stuff has gone I’m sure it’ll feel ‘real’ and you can focus on reclaiming your space and your future.

Argh - of course I read it, also read between the lines - the 'independent, not living in his pockets' woman is worried he lied - says anything to you? No? About independence and 'not caring'? Grow up.

Did you read the posts where he admits to an affair?

OP has kids so getting married isn’t always the best option - particularly when it is her house

I will definitely apologise to the woman he went to France with. When I found out about the OW and I found the photos, there were some photos of messages which made me nearly sick. Like the OW telling him to f**k her in the arse and etc. He was of course denying everything but I took the screen shots. I told him that I will show them to the woman ( France trip ). He begged me not to as the swimming group is mainly mental health support group and it will cause a lot of issues within the group.

Oh I definitely would give the older woman sight of those screen shots and an apology.

I wouldn't care about blowing up his reputation or hers.

Not just tell her but apologise. What OP said to her was cringemaking. I don't know why she's being applauded for it.

@JadeMember i would tell the women he went to France with.
Maybe there are more than the women you know about and he doesn’t want to let the word get out.
Jeeze this man and using mental health to get out of everything .

. I told him that I will show them to the woman ( France trip ).

I wouldn't if I were you. She probably already thinks you are bonkers. Why drag her into your drama? It's nothing to do with her.

I agree, telling this poor woman she’s no swimsuit model, she had FA to do with it!

This man is sounding quite manipulative. He has gone into a group of women, befriended one and started a sexual relationship with another. It’s clear this woman is probably vulnerable in some way by the tone of the message she’s sent him.
I am not saying she’s blameless but she’s not the wise professor lady. If other women in that group saw those messages I’m sure they would be very upset.
On reflection, your life will improve in leaps and bounds.
He is about to move into a co-dependent household and it’s not going to be a pleasant way to live.
Now your stepdad is a role model. Your partner (now ex) should be ashamed that a man of 70 flies in from abroad to do the gardening!

I am 41 and maybe perimenopausal, not sure. But I do know that I get terrible anxiety and paranoia in my luteal phase (between ovulation and period). Really crazy irrational thoughts. I often fall out with my DH during this time 😓

I don't think you should be showing any screenshots to the professor woman, but an apology is in order. Also consider that the swim-group knows about the affair or at least suspects - it may be an open secret...

Keep it dignified. "I owe you an apology. I was angry with my ex who was clearly playing away, but I picked the wrong woman to take it out in."

I agree with this. If I was the Professor I would want nothing to do with you and your husband's affairs. I would want to be kept out of it. An apology for the way you treated her is enough.

And if I was in your position I wouldn't dump my (understandable) pain on a group for vulnerable women, a group that your dh seems to have taken advantage of. Why should they all suffer?

He begged me not to as the swimming group is mainly mental health support group and it will cause a lot of issues within the group.

The "issues" are of his making - and intent. The red flag was there from the very first sentence of your OP ("So my DP (46) does a cold lake swimming with a group of women"). It was obvious how this was going to go. Predatory bastard.