Should I tell my DP that I know he is lying

[JadeMember]

So my DP (46) does a cold lake swimming with a group of women. He is the only man and ladies are in the range of 40-70yrs. He got into the group through the lady he met through my son’s sport. I never met her as I’m at the different sport with my DD. So my DP called me today when I was at work and told me that the group is going to a charity event in the evening and someone pulled out, they need someone to fill the space, and if I would mind if he goes with them. I really don’t care tbh as my DC are with their dad tonight and I’m just happy having a me time. So my DP just send me a photos from the event and it’s not a charity event! It’s a silent disco😂. I googled the location and the name of the event that was on the banners in the photo. I don’t know why he lied. He doesn’t go out a lot and I don’t mind when he does go out. We don’t live in ‘each other’s pockets’ and are independent with our interests so I don’t understand why he lied. I don’t know if I should just leave it because I’m not really that worried or should I actually be worried about it and question it when he gets home?

Glad you've got some support, it'll really help to have your stepdad there for you. Wishing you all the best x

You’re bound to have ups and downs, it’s a huge thing you’ve going through. But believe me, gradually the down days get outweighed by the good and one day you wake up and realise you’ve not had a down day for ages. It’s then you know, you’re ok and he will just be a sad distant memory. 🥰

Maybe you're allowing yourself to collapse a little because your lovely stepdad is going to arrive to look after you? That's ok, JadeMember, you can't expect yourself to dust yourself straight off after all this.

I’m so pleased your Step Dad is helping you with the practical load of this situation. Are you confident in what you plan to say to your kids? Will you facilitate a relationship with your ex if they want it? I’m not saying you should, but you might want to be prepared for how you handle that if they ask.
Bagging up his stuff and getting your space back is going to feel very freeing.

My stepdad is here😁. We are already packing all of the office. It’s hard but at least I stopped crying. I really don’t know what to say to children. They have school performance over the next three days and they won’t finish school until 10pm. I will tell them on Thursday. I don’t know if they will stay in touch. But they are nearly 15 and I suppose if they do want to text him, I won’t stop them.

Glad you've got someone with you.

My first husband had an affair.

It's a rollercoaster of emotions.

I moved back in with my mum & dad for a while.

I burnt some toast one morning.

Mum was still in bed & I remember bursting into tears, crawling into bed with mum & wailing "I burnt the toast!"

It can be the strangest thing that sets you off.

Or maybe that was just me!

My friend’s long-term partner, who had been a stepfather to her daughter since she was 2, left her for another woman just before her daughter turned 16. She was honest with her daughter, and said that her ex had met someone else and that she had asked him to leave because she didn’t accept that kind of treatment in a relationship.

This led to important conversations about respect, boundaries, healthy relationships, and the emotional impact on both of them. I’m not sure if this was the “right” approach, but it worked for them.

My friend was also open with friends and family about the affair, it was important to her not to cover it up—both because it wasn’t her mistake and because she wanted support. Since the situation was already public, she felt it was only right that her daughter knew the truth as well.
I’m sure someone else will be along shortly with some better advice though!

It’s horrible isn’t it. I cried as soon as I saw my stepdad.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

You sound great.
Your step dad sounds wonderful as does your mum.

Tell the children the simple truth, he has met someone else.
Tell them it is sad, but these things happen and you will all be fine.
Keep telling them everything will be fine.
Your reassurance will mean so much.
If you can keep it together it would be helpful.

This is on him, not you.
You were too good for him.
He sounds like a self absorbed drain.

I think your gut was always trying to protect you from him.
Thank god he took the dog.
You have enough responsibility.

We just got home from the school performance. I have told my friends at school about it. Nearly everyone knows someone who went through the same thing. It was nice to open up to them. I never said anything bad about him before. I will tell children the true. My dad done brilliantly and packed two massive suitcases for him as well. I’m leaving house about 8am tomorrow morning and my ex is coming about 9am. I will let you know how it went

But you were ok with it. You have been ok with his friendship… he even said you’ve shown no interest in it.

And now you aren’t fine with it, which is your prerogative of course… but you need to communicate better.

You either trust him, or you don’t.

I don't think he's hiding anything. I think it was a genuine mistake.

What!!!!

Get in the bin.

I really think that reading the OP’s posts should be mandatory.

You obviously are incapable of doing that, so to summarise, it turns out the OP’s partner is having an affair, not with the professor but with someone else.

Eh?

You have absolutely no basis for that conclusion

I'm glad you have your stepdad with you. He sounds wonderful.

hope tomorrow goes well. You’re better off rid of him

@LiquoriceAllsorts2 and @cherish123 and @andthat FFS will people please read ALL the OPs replies on this thread, not JUST the first post, before posting a reply?! The date of this thread goes back to the 21st of February last month, common sense should tell you it's moved on, it has now been ascertained he's had an affair and has been planning on leaving because he's depressed and he needs to help OW who is depressed also, and they've been planning it for quite awhile. He's even applied for a mortgage for him and OW!

Some of OP's posts; JadeMember · 14/03/2025 14:11
So another update for anyone who is interested…
I got to the bottom of it. No he doesn’t have affair with the woman he went to France with. It turns out he has an affair with another woman from the cold water swimming group! I found some photos of them on the ipad. Nothing too bad but I got that sick feeling in my stomach. They went away together last weekend. I confronted him and he said he is just supporting her through the depression. Also he said he is not happy with me and he applied for a mortgage and looking for a house. This all happened last night and I’m feeling slightly sick! I never had a reason to suspect him of cheating before. So ladies trust your intuition!

and

Yes he is dumping me because after meeting the OW ( the one is ‘supporting through depression’), he realised that after his depression over the years I wasn’t supporting enough of him. Also that he needs to talk about his feelings (which we had done to death!) and I don’t give him enough praise.

and

We did discussed it yesterday but yes it’s still shit. I saw the photo of the email the OW send to her work ( she obviously send a photo to his phone ) and she is giving up work because due to her mental health as she can’t cope. Now I know MH I’m not a joke but I wonder how she is going to support him through all of his MH issues and all the illnesses he has ( compromised immunity system). Talking about this now just makes me realise how much I put up with. And the asshole told me that when DC are ill I’m so carrying but I don’t treat him the same when he is ill!

and

He left while I was at work. When I discovered that I can look at his photos on my iPad, I checked the dates. They were taking photos together while walking our fucking dog! No he won’t do any activities because I’m refusing to look after the dog while he goes god knows where. He wanted the dog to help with his MH.

and

Children don’t know yet and it’s going to break their hearts too. They adore him and the dog. I think I’m mainly sad for them. My chest actually hurts.

and

She keeps sending him photos of the quotes about how the right people come at the right time or how the important people will only bring the best out of you. Relationships don’t work like that. I’m sitting here worried about the future and children about finances and still thinking at the back of my head what I could do better. Even though it’s not my fault I think I was conditioned over the years to feel like it’s my fault. He did say that he doesn’t think I am a bad person, I just can’t give him what he needs. What a CF!

and

If I didn’t see the photos, I would be completely oblivious to it. Even now I have to force myself to look at them, to remind me what he has done. And even this morning, when I said that (apart from affair) it was deceitful to go behind my back to get a mortgage and buy the house, he managed to turn it like it was my fault because I didn’t talk to him. I dreaded telling my parents about it but I’m so glad I did and they talked some sense into me

and

BiggySwish · Yesterday 14:57
I’m so pleased your Step Dad is helping you with the practical load of this situation. Are you confident in what you plan to say to your kids? Will you facilitate a relationship with your ex if they want it? I’m not saying you should, but you might want to be prepared for how you handle that if they ask.
Bagging up his stuff and getting your space back is going to feel very freeing.
My stepdad is here😁. We are already packing all of the office. It’s hard but at least I stopped crying. I really don’t know what to say to children. They have school performance over the next three days and they won’t finish school until 10pm. I will tell them on Thursday. I don’t know if they will stay in touch. But they are nearly 15 and I suppose if they do want to text him, I won’t stop them.
It’s horrible isn’t it. I cried as soon as I saw my stepdad.

I left out several as post would be too long but the last post says

We just got home from the school performance. I have told my friends at school about it. Nearly everyone knows someone who went through the same thing. It was nice to open up to them. I never said anything bad about him before. I will tell children the true. My dad done brilliantly and packed two massive suitcases for him as well. I’m leaving house about 8am tomorrow morning and my ex is coming about 9am. I will let you know how it went

This is the link to only the OP's posts on here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5279806-should-i-tell-my-dp-that-i-know-he-is-lying?postsby=JadeMember

Agreed, it's like two alcoholics moving in together to 'support each other'. It never works.

What a mess

So sorry your going through thus OP. I have to admit though this is an example of why I feel a laissez-faire attitude towards partners & spouses 'close friendships' with the opposite sex is never a good idea. Of course without trust there is no relationship but for me it's as much about respecting boundaries. I can't imagine accepting my DH galavanting off somewhere with another woman one to one & I know it's not something he would be happy with me participating in.

I Hope everything works out for you OP. I'm sure you will meet someone in the future more suited to you & your needs.

As others said, the relationship will not last long. . I don’t even think it will last six months
tbh.
Both parties are far too needy
Don’t ever take him back
He has done you a favour . He can be someone else’s problem now