Should I tell my DP that I know he is lying

[JadeMember]

So my DP (46) does a cold lake swimming with a group of women. He is the only man and ladies are in the range of 40-70yrs. He got into the group through the lady he met through my son’s sport. I never met her as I’m at the different sport with my DD. So my DP called me today when I was at work and told me that the group is going to a charity event in the evening and someone pulled out, they need someone to fill the space, and if I would mind if he goes with them. I really don’t care tbh as my DC are with their dad tonight and I’m just happy having a me time. So my DP just send me a photos from the event and it’s not a charity event! It’s a silent disco😂. I googled the location and the name of the event that was on the banners in the photo. I don’t know why he lied. He doesn’t go out a lot and I don’t mind when he does go out. We don’t live in ‘each other’s pockets’ and are independent with our interests so I don’t understand why he lied. I don’t know if I should just leave it because I’m not really that worried or should I actually be worried about it and question it when he gets home?

Thank you. I can’t wait to see him. My mum is my emotional support but he is the voice of reason. My ex has no idea that my stepdad will be here when he tries to come in on Tuesday. And for all his faults, my ex has a great respect for my family and he will probably poop his pants when my stepdad opens the door. I will keep you updated!

I’m so pleased to read your update, well done for telling your mum and step dad; it might make it feel more real but now you’ve got some emotional and practical IRL support.

The brass neck of your partner thinking he could use your home as his free office with absolutely no shame. I’m assuming if you hadn’t caught him with the pictures he would’ve kept sneaking about behind your back until he’d bought a house and the sale had gone through! The utter audacity of the man to say you’re not a bad person, when he hadn’t even got the guts to tell you he was unhappy, but instead turned around the support you’d given him as not enough.

I hope your kids will be ok soon, and I hope he feels guilt over the way he has treated their mother and them. But the more you say about the more of a dick he sounds, so onwards to far, far better things. 💕

If I didn’t see the photos, I would be completely oblivious to it. Even now I have to force myself to look at them, to remind me what he has done. And even this morning, when I said that (apart from affair) it was deceitful to go behind my back to get a mortgage and buy the house, he managed to turn it like it was my fault because I didn’t talk to him. I dreaded telling my parents about it but I’m so glad I did and they talked some sense into me

Let me get this straight—you called him out after his trip to France, followed by the hockey game, because you suspected he might be starting an emotional affair. In response, he stopped talking to you for a week. During that time, he decided to apply for a mortgage on his own. Then, he turned around and blamed you, saying he had to do it because you weren’t speaking to him.

All the while, he was actually guilty of the very thing you suspected—something he lied about, likely along with much more.

This is gaslighting. Deflection, shifting the blame, changing the narrative.
You know this is absolutely not okay @JadeMember and he is entirely culpable here.
And all that aside - applying for a mortgage behind the back of someone who has been your partner for over 8 years is utterly cowardly and disrespectful. He is a cheating liar, incapable of taking responsibility for his own behaviour.

Was this something he did regularly?

Yes, but the only mistake I made, was focusing on the wrong woman.
He applied for the mortgage the week after the trip, but yes, he said he didn’t tell me about it because I wasn’t talking to him.
Looking back at it, he was gaslighting me and I didn’t even see it coming. But again looking back at our whole relationship, he was gaslighting me a little bit at the time where I thought any argument was my fault. If I said any small criticism towards him, he would say that he can’t live in the house where he is so much negativity. And my criticism was ‘I just cleaned the floor so please don’t walk with the muddy shoes in the house’ or ‘ can you wipe the kitchen work top after making your sandwich’. It was like teaching man child how to be an adult. Sorry I got off the track here but it just reminds me all the things I won’t miss about him. And luckily he and his MH and physical health are someone else’s problem now.

The more you write about him, the more I think you're actually having a lucky escape to be rid of him! His issues will only get worse as he ages..

Bloody hell, what a bastard. As hard as it is, you’re so much better off without him.

Yah for lovely giant step dad arriving tomorrow

That’s exactly what my mum said!

I felt so sad and heartbroken, I really didn’t know how I will get through it. But all of you helped so much and made me realise how shit my relationship was. My DC still don’t know but they are with their dad this weekend. I will tell them sometime next week and my stepdad will be here and they adore him so hopefully it will make it a little less painful for them.

OP, you mentioned initially that he’s lived with you for 10 years, sorry if you’ve already clarified this elsewhere, but could he have a claim on your house?

Does he have his own property or would he say that your house is his home and he’s contributed as your ‘spouse’ to its improvement and maintenance for a decade?

I hope you don’t end up with more hassle from him, but from what you’ve said he could end up pretty destitute just wallowing in his pitty-party bubble with Ms pitty-party partner… then come for your house.

Earlier in your posts, it really came across how much WFH was affecting his mental health, or other stressers. To cope, he was out socialising all the time and even got himself a dog—which you were left looking after so he could keep going out. Meanwhile, you were exhausted after working long hours and just wanted to rest in the evenings. But off he went, constantly building time away from you. Where was his support of you and investment in your relationship?

So much of the focus was on him and his self-care. He came across as very self-absorbed, showing little consideration for you. It always strikes me that when one partner is completely drained at the end of the day while the other still has energy to be out every night, there’s likely an imbalance—one person is carrying much more of the load than the other.

I know this is painful, and you’ll need time to grieve. But honestly much much better things are ahead for you—especially now that you’re no longer taking care of a man-baby who will only age badly. Watch out for him crawling back when his new relationship falls apart— by then, you’ll be feeling so much happier and won’t want to waste another second on someone like that.

We met about 10 years ago. He moved in with me about 8 years ago. I can’t remember exactly but roughly around that time period. We were going to eventually move and buy property together but I always had that niggling feeling about committing to it. He does earn more than me so if anything went wrong, I wouldn’t be able to buy him out of the house. I pay all the bills but he puts the same amount each month to our joined account to use for food, holidays etc. He already had a large deposit ready for the house purchase. So now he used the deposit and got the mortgage approved. I suppose he is staying with the OW now but I found the photos of the houses he looked at and they are in the same town she lives ( I done a little bit of investigations)

Sounds like he has been planning this for a while. The mortgage application is the tip of the iceberg I expect. Your gut sounds live it has been ringing alarm bells for a while and rightly so. Well done for trusting yourself. Make sure you get yourself an STI test just to be on the safe side. 💕

He is more extrovert than me. He also moved from the big city where there was always opportunity to go out, to a village where I live. So there isn’t a lot going on but we had a good friendship group. But it still wasn’t the same for him as going out every night after WFH. We got the dog he wanted but it still wasn’t enough. He has a weak constitution, mentally and physically. It took so much of my energy to look after his needs. I can see now how damaging it was to myself

Don’t even go there with STI. I thought about it last night. I can’t believe he put me in the position where I have to think about it on top of everything else!

This is one of my most favourite descriptions ever ‘he has a weak constitution, mentally and physically’.

You’re going to feel so much better when you’re not spending so much of your own effort into supporting this. Focus all that energy on yourself & your kids and maybe when you’re ready go find someone who can match your strength and dignity.

He has a weak constitution, mentally and physically. It took so much of my energy to look after his needs.

At first I felt for him as he had moved from a city to a village to be with you, seemed isolated & lost & was just trying to occupy himself when it came across that you were exhausted from work & had time/energy/interest for little else.

I'd like to apologise for my previous comments which were too harsh towards you.

No worries at all. I felt for him too until recently

The fact that you were together for 10 years and lived together for 8 years and he didn't have the decency to marry you is a red flag all of it's own.

The fact that you were together for 10 years and lived together for 8 years and he didn't have the decency to marry you is a red flag all of it's own.

I don't think that's necessarily true if both are happy with it.

He did want to get married but I was happy as we were. Well looking back I wasn’t actually happy but there you go

How are you today? Hopefully your step-dad will be with you soon.

I’m really looking forward to see him. I’m going to pick him up soon from the airport. I was better yesterday but I do feel a little bit broken today.

I hope everything goes well today, and that you can lean into the support you have. I bet there are lots of people in your life who'd want to help if they knew you could use it. Take care.