Should I tell my DP that I know he is lying

[JadeMember]

So my DP (46) does a cold lake swimming with a group of women. He is the only man and ladies are in the range of 40-70yrs. He got into the group through the lady he met through my son’s sport. I never met her as I’m at the different sport with my DD. So my DP called me today when I was at work and told me that the group is going to a charity event in the evening and someone pulled out, they need someone to fill the space, and if I would mind if he goes with them. I really don’t care tbh as my DC are with their dad tonight and I’m just happy having a me time. So my DP just send me a photos from the event and it’s not a charity event! It’s a silent disco😂. I googled the location and the name of the event that was on the banners in the photo. I don’t know why he lied. He doesn’t go out a lot and I don’t mind when he does go out. We don’t live in ‘each other’s pockets’ and are independent with our interests so I don’t understand why he lied. I don’t know if I should just leave it because I’m not really that worried or should I actually be worried about it and question it when he gets home?

I'm so sorry to read your thread, OP. It seems as if your self-absorbed partner, feeling rather neglected and sorry for himself, made himself available for female attention and was open to whoever made a play for him. Hence the professor's unacceptable comment that she hoped you weren't threatened by the time she spent with him. I think that when he is gone you might realise what an emotional drain he's been on you and perhaps it won't be long before life gets a lot better. I do hope so.

So sorry OP. What a shit.

Once he’s gone look up Dr Ramani on YouTube- sounds like he might fit the bill. Might give you more insight.

I’m so sorry, @JadeMember—this must feel awful. That said, it sounds like you’re beginning to reassess the relationship and recognize how much you did for him, despite how little he appreciated it. It seems like he always wanted to be the center of attention, and now he’s latched onto a vulnerable woman who will give him that.

Once the cringe-worthy clichés wear off, their little mutual pity party will likely become deeply unhealthy.

If you’re concerned about finances, it might be worth speaking to Citizens Advice. For instance, once he moves out, you may be eligible for a council tax discount.

You also mentioned how cool the professor seemed. If I were you, I’d seek her out next time you’re at your kids’ club—apologise sincerely for the misunderstanding, explain that your partner has been having an affair, and he led you to believe it was with her, and let her know how hurt you and your kids are. If she has any morals, she might stir the pot a bit in the cold-water swimming group and expose your DP and Mrs. Cliché for what they really are. And you might make a new friend!

She can trot out all the clichéd rubbish she likes but she will never truly be at ease or able to trust him because she knows what he's capable of. She knows he cheated on another woman to be with her. Which means he could just ask easy cheat on her. Great foundations there...

I will apologise to her when I see her next weekend. I will just say that I was suspicious there was something going on and there is but with another woman from the group.
I actually woke up today feeling a little bit better. He came home last night and stayed in the spare room and didn’t come out until DC left. I told him to pack the essentials and leave because I can’t cope with the stress. He said he will have to come back on Tues, Wed, Thur, because he WFH. We agreed it’s ok for next week but then he will move his computers out. So now onwards and upwards

You are a better woman than me, I wouldn't give a shit if he had work or not

It’s not okay though. Tell him to find somewhere else to work.

I’m sorry @JadeMember but he needs go find somewhere else to work. He and his work are no longer your problem. Take your space back, you’ll feel so much better more quickly. How dare he think he can use your home, your electricity and water, when he can’t even be faithful or respectful to you. I’m bloody furious for you and your kids.

I could do that and don’t get me wrong, I imagined lots of ways how I could ruin his life or at least make it as hard as possible. But then I would just be bitter about it and it’s not worth my energy anymore. I’m so exhausted and I just want to concentrate on healing. I might change the internet password to cheater or something like that so when he comes to WFH he will need a new password to connect to internet😂

100% this - his affair, his problem

Well, it’s your choice of course, but there is no reason to not be bitter or to try and be ‘the bigger person’. Fuck that.

Honestly you sound like you've been completely drained by him over the years. You need to find some anger and boot him out now, he has no right to use your home for work. Let him go to his girlfriend. I would be absolutely fuming.

So he picked a woman with MH issues who is now unemployed over someone as strong and smart as you, who gave him a home and the love from your kids? What a fool. You will be ok op. He will regret it but it’s too late. I wonder what the professor would make of this .

Yes I'd love to hear what the professor has to say about it, if she knows. You should definitely tell her,

You are a better woman than me, I wouldn't give a shit if he had work or not

Me neither tbh.
If he has no right to be in the house he can find elsewhere.

No offices at all?

@JadeMember youll heal and recover a lot faster without this blot sitting in your home, polluting it with his presence. He has work? Well, he should’ve thought of that (and a lot more) before cheating on you. He can work from a coffee shop, or a supermarket cafe.
Turn out this tosser - you’re too nice!

Just tell him to go work at his girlfriends OP - he can't cheat on you and then use your house for work...

Sorry I know how difficult this must be for you right now, but please don’t let him use you and your home any longer. It’s no longer your problem that he needs to work from a home, let him go to hers and if he can’t well tough! It’s no longer your responsibility to make sure he’s ok. He’s totally using you.

change the locks, pack up all his stuff and put it on the doorstep, message him to say it’s there and if it’s not gone within 24 hrs, it’s all going in the bin! But get the locks changed Now! Good luck you’ve got this

He's treating you with contempt - no he doesn't get to decide when he comes and goes! If you haven't yet, tell your friends, family, anyone who cares about you.

He's at the stage of rewriting history and creating a story where he is the good guy, he's not actually doing anything wrong. Neither is she. The only way to reconcile this is to decide that you are intolerable and he was forced into this. Please don't spend any time with him, it'll devastate you. You'll torture yourself trying to make it make sense. I've seen this with friends. "He said he's not been happy for years but a few months ago he did/said..."

He doesn't get to use your house as a convenient base. He's all in, or all out. Now that he's out, don't let him back. He can look after himself and his dog.

Look after yourself and your children.

I think you sound fabulous and are dealing with this so well. But look after yourself and your kids first. You owe this man nothing, the way he has treated you is an absolute disgrace. Please find your anger and tell him to take all his stuff, including his computers and find a new place to wfh. You owe him absolutely nothing.
I hope you heal from this, all the best OP x

Thank you all for your kindness and support. I have now talked to my parents ( they live in a different country in EU ) and told them everything. Bless my stepdad, he has booked himself on the flight while I talked to my mum and he is coming on Monday. He said he will let him in on Tuesday, while I’m at work, only for the purpose to take the computers from the office, which he will disconnect and get it ready for the transport. I honestly can’t wait to see him. He is nearly 70y but comes over few times a year to do DIY and gardening because my exDP didn’t do anything

Oh that's lovely that you have some "real life" support.

Perhaps he should have everything boxed up to just hand over?

Yes, he asked me to get some bubble wrap and we will do it on Monday night. He also said to get the ring doorbell camera. My stepdad looks intimidating ( he is a gentle giant ) and speaks very little English and he said he will deal with the handover of his office equipment. He will then start packing all of his stuff over the next week so my ex can pick it up, while I’m not there and hand him over the key. I am so relieved

Your step-dad sounds lovely! I’m glad you are getting some moral support from your family as well as practical help. Good luck with it all and please keep us updated if you have time - we’re all cheering you on and want to hear how it goes xxx

You have handled all this so well. I am dreadfully petty and would have reacted badly…

Just focus on yourself and DC. He and OW seem very poorly matched. Imagine their competitive depression conversations. 🥱🥱🥱