Should I tell my DP that I know he is lying

[JadeMember]

So my DP (46) does a cold lake swimming with a group of women. He is the only man and ladies are in the range of 40-70yrs. He got into the group through the lady he met through my son’s sport. I never met her as I’m at the different sport with my DD. So my DP called me today when I was at work and told me that the group is going to a charity event in the evening and someone pulled out, they need someone to fill the space, and if I would mind if he goes with them. I really don’t care tbh as my DC are with their dad tonight and I’m just happy having a me time. So my DP just send me a photos from the event and it’s not a charity event! It’s a silent disco😂. I googled the location and the name of the event that was on the banners in the photo. I don’t know why he lied. He doesn’t go out a lot and I don’t mind when he does go out. We don’t live in ‘each other’s pockets’ and are independent with our interests so I don’t understand why he lied. I don’t know if I should just leave it because I’m not really that worried or should I actually be worried about it and question it when he gets home?

So another update for anyone who is interested…
I got to the bottom of it. No he doesn’t have affair with the woman he went to France with. It turns out he has an affair with another woman from the cold water swimming group! I found some photos of them on the ipad. Nothing too bad but I got that sick feeling in my stomach. They went away together last weekend. I confronted him and he said he is just supporting her through the depression. Also he said he is not happy with me and he applied for a mortgage and looking for a house. This all happened last night and I’m feeling slightly sick! I never had a reason to suspect him of cheating before. So ladies trust your intuition!

I’m so sorry you are having to deal with this @JadeMember
How long has he been lying for? Applying for a mortgage is a rather big step.
You are right, trust your instincts. As women we so easily try and take responsibility for other’s behaviours ‘oh I’m just worrying’ or ‘it’s the menopause’. No, you’re noticing something that the brain has calculated is a threat.
Trust yourself x

Not long at all. About three weeks. Her photos only appear from two weeks ago. But maybe it started before. He only applied for a mortgage last week

So he has denied having an affair?

From what you write, to an outsider, it doesn't seem that you are close at all or really do anything together.

He obviously shouldn't be cheating but it does sound as if he has checked out.

I’m so sorry, OP. Your instincts were right. What a shit. I hope he gets hyperthermia and penis chilblains at his swimming club.

Me too! I know I shouldn’t but I feel heartbroken. We have so many holidays and days out booked. Some with friends, some just on our own. I’m giving myself until Monday to feel sad and then try to pick myself up and carry on.

@JadeMember so is he dumping you after all this when he says he is not happy with you? Are you still doing stuff where you see the first swimming group woman or not? Do you think she knows he is having a fling with the other one?

They sound a right dozy bunch if they think the man they see at the group is what the ‘reality’ of going out with someone is like.

I’m so peed off for you.

If he IS dumping you then no - he does not get to say he wasn’t happy. Ok, he may not be, but he started crossing lines instead of ending things with you and caused you to feel less secure in the relationship and he’s got involved with someone. Bloody bloke. If he has cheated on you, he can get lost, homeless or not (sorry OP, I mean that sounds trite but … he doesn’t get to have it all his own way). Change the locks. I’m so sorry.

Gods grief I’m so sorry OP. So he went away with the OW and not worth the uni professor to France? Was uni professor a decoy to distract you? What an absolute devious shit. It’ll all go tits up and he will come crawling back. I suspect with your incredibly level head you’ll tell him to fuck off

I'm so sorry op, completely understandable you're feeling heartbroken.

How utterly cowardly and disrespectful he has been of you.

I hope you've kicked him (and the dog?) out - you owe him nothing anymore.

Wow. I'm so sorry to read this update, OP.

What an absolute shit.

I love your attitude though - taking till Monday to feel.sad and then picking yourself up. You've got a whole life to live so go amd live it.

Yes he is dumping me because after meeting the OW ( the one is ‘supporting through depression’), he realised that after his depression over the years I wasn’t supporting enough of him. Also that he needs to talk about his feelings (which we had done to death!) and I don’t give him enough praise.

No he went to France with the professor and it had nothing to do with the affair. I think I just got suspicious right around that time but I focused on the wrong woman

My first instinct was to kick him out but I’m thinking he would go straight to her and that’s probably what she wants. Not that I want him back but I’m thinking playing nice with him and letting him stay until he buys the house would piss her off more. I never been in this situation so I don’t know

Suprise suprise, the minute his head is turned you were suddenly be unsupportive partner through his depression. Rewriting history to suit his own agenda and assuage his guilt. This is on him @JadeMember not you.

Take good care of yourself and I hope - once you've allowed yourself to grieve over the weekend - you're able to begin to put him and his soggy swim shorts behind you.

Take heart though that your instincts were bang on. You were right about what he was up to, just not who with. I wouldn’t keep him at yours just to piss her off. Maintain your dignity. Get rid.

@JadeMember honestly, I think you’re better off getting him out. How dare he say you did not support etc. I reckon you would be better driving him into her place and they can deal with immediately living together. Might hate living together and be over in a flash (and you don’t want him with you then) and besides, out of sight out of mind honestly.

So, so sorry.

I’d reframe this—your ex DP made the choice to rewrite history and cheat, and you do not deserve to be treated this way. The OW is irrelevant; yes, she may have low morals, but this is entirely on him.

If he does run off to her now, imagine how unsustainable that situation will be—she’s dealing with depression, and he’s an unfaithful freeloader who will likely use her until his mortgage comes through.

On the other hand, if you let him stay, you’ll have to watch him go off to meet her, probably flaunting it in front of you, making it much harder for you to move on.

I’d cut the cord and kick him out— you deserve so much better than this.

What a turn of events! I'm so sorry OP but your instincts were completely right.

Kick him straight out would be my advice x

Oh no. I’m so sorry OP. I felt like something bad was in the offing, but I never suspected he was already having an affair. I’m so gutted for you.
i read some research done by divorce solicitors - a high percentage of men that divorce regret it 5 years down the line. Not much comfort, but I think he will appreciate you more when it is too late

So all of you suggesting I should kick him out now, you are right. I got home and surprise surprise, he is not here, his toothbrush is not here and the dog is not here. He will probably be back tomorrow. I texted him that he needs to move out this weekend

Well done @JadeMember he can’t treat your home like an hotel. Bloody cheek of it.

LOL. What a twat. 😂

He doesn’t even give you one night before rubbing your face in it. He could’ve at least stayed with you tonight so you could discuss things after the initial shock. You are right to boot him out. I can’t see this new relationship working out. She will be absorbed in herself & her own problems

Oh @JadeMember so sorry to hear of recent update. Always trust your instincts

tho how did he go away with other woman last weekend without you knowing

either way. You are better off without the low life prick

def kick him out now. She can deal with him and his depressions and issues and other fuck ups

tho the dog. Who get the dog

will he still help out as step dad at your kids activities ?

sending 💐💐💐

Personally I'd bag his stuff up, put it out in the garage and change the locks. He's taking the absolute piss.

Don't let him disrespect you anymore.