Should I tell my DP that I know he is lying

[JadeMember]

So my DP (46) does a cold lake swimming with a group of women. He is the only man and ladies are in the range of 40-70yrs. He got into the group through the lady he met through my son’s sport. I never met her as I’m at the different sport with my DD. So my DP called me today when I was at work and told me that the group is going to a charity event in the evening and someone pulled out, they need someone to fill the space, and if I would mind if he goes with them. I really don’t care tbh as my DC are with their dad tonight and I’m just happy having a me time. So my DP just send me a photos from the event and it’s not a charity event! It’s a silent disco😂. I googled the location and the name of the event that was on the banners in the photo. I don’t know why he lied. He doesn’t go out a lot and I don’t mind when he does go out. We don’t live in ‘each other’s pockets’ and are independent with our interests so I don’t understand why he lied. I don’t know if I should just leave it because I’m not really that worried or should I actually be worried about it and question it when he gets home?

Yes I had to stay at home because of the dog. And no, this level of not communicating is very new. He is sleeping in the different bedroom. I am very busy so sometimes I leave the house with children about 7.45am and get back with children around 6.30pm. We haven’t talked properly to each other since he got back from the France trip last Sunday. I lost it with him after he told me he is at the ice hockey match instead of coming home.

It felt good to say it the moment but afterwards, I felt bad to stoop so low that I have to comment on her physical appearance

Do you have time together to try and talk tomorrow?

He doesn't seem like he's very committed to you: has the house to himself all day, while you go out to work, leaves you at the weekend to enjoy his own hobbies and when you object to him going out with another woman, sets up camp in another room.

I don't want to jump the gun, but have you got yourself a cocklodger?

She was very friendly but then made a comment that she hopes I’m not feeling threatened about her and my DP spending time together. I said that I am not threatened at all as my DP said that you are not a bikini model or anyone he would be ever attracted to.

This was a terrible thing to say. Not because it was so misogynistic to say a woman’s value is in how she looks, but because of how it makes you look.

He refused to not go to France knowing you didnt want him to. He then stayed out with her for a different event. He isn't concerned at this stage about pleasing you above her. He put her first twice on one day.

You said she was very friendly to you. What you have now given her is a comment to tell your partner, all their hockey friends who know her and know she is accomplished and friendly she is, and the parents at the kids sport they will both know, and their hobby friends, how bitchy and insecure you are and how awful it is for him.

You have played right into their emotional affair narrative.

I've read all your posts, OP.

I don't think he's having an affair with her, but I think she is out to nab him for herself, and making herself look so adventurous and wonderful.

She's probably been telling him a whole load of crap, filling his head painting you as a crazy partner and pandering to him being so unfairly treated.

I think it's awful he went to France, despite knowing you felt uncomfortable. I just can't understand how a loving, caring partner would do that.

This is a good article on emotional affairs - https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-youre-having-an-emotional-affair-2303079

It's when the boundary of friendship gets blurred that it becomes an emotional affair.

My ex husband had loads of emotional affairs during our marriage although he rarely had them as friends in person, it was all conducted by messages online.
He has depression and low self-esteem, he did it as an ego boost.
It was these EA's and other things that led me to ending the marriage after 17 years, I should walked after the first one but didn't 😧

This was my reaction too Op. Even if they’re just friends, you have said something very bitchy to her, and repeated something your dp said in confidence to you about her. In a normal friendship that would put your dp in a difficult position, but where it’s possibly EA territory it’s more likely to make him dislike and distrust you and want to work for her forgiveness. It’s also going to make it very difficult for you to befriend her now, and she has no loyalty to you so has no need to facilitate you integrating more into the wider group. Maybe think about apologising to her.

His trip to France was certainly a questionable decision, but I can see how if she was driving and is quite a forceful character he might have felt he couldn’t ask her to take him straight home. I’m also not surprised he got defensive when you then bollocked him for it. That’s not to say he was right, but you’ve now gone the best part of a week not speaking which has effectively led to your relationship breaking down. You need to be on the front foot to try and repair this, if you want to try and work on your relationship. Otherwise he’s absolutely primed to build greater intimacy and connection with her.

There are a number of practical reasons your relationship seems to be struggling - I would suggest you both look at how you might address these. Dog sitter so you can go out for longer? National Trust membership so you can explore with your dog in different places? Go camping with the dog overnight? Can you wfh occasionally? Adjust your hours, or take annual leave so you’re together more?
Book something to do even if it’s annoying you’re the one who planned it - that’s exactly what this other woman is doing for him so he clearly wants to do things. Let’s hope he still wants to do them with you.

Read up on emotional affairs and perhaps share something like this with your dp https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/speaking-in-tongues/202208/what-every-couple-must-understand-about-emotional-infidelity?amp

Tell him you want to talk today. I’d get ahead of the ow and apologise to him for what you said. Be vulnerable with him - be honest about why you reacted as you did after France. Tell him you want to make changes to improve your relationship - more quality time together.

If you let the fester any further I fear this could be the end for your relationship.

She knows what she is doing....the fact that she can say i hope you are not threatened.

"you are not a bikini model or anyone he would be ever attracted to." That comment serves her right

It's not clear from your posts whether your DP did say that about this lady or you made it up to hurt her.

As soon as you mentioned her looks you lost the upper hand in this and showed that you are threatened by her.

A better response would have been to say that you don't feel threatened and it's nice your husband has friends who share his interests.

You definitely need to speak to your DP about the situation because ignoring each other isn't helpful.

In my case my ex husband would deny an EA was happening even if I had seen the messages myself, he would delete the messages and cut contact with the person and act like a good husband for a few months and then do the same. Only that time when caught he would admit tot the previous EA and deny this one..its a complete head mess.
With my husband he rarely saw them in person if at all so I had no concerns about a physical affair.

I think it would be a very awkward conversation to have - “Hi Len, I spoke to your wife, she said you don’t think I have a bikini body and seems to think I’m not the sort of woman you’d typically go for”

What next? -

“Care to explain?” / “I’m hurt!”

What kind of position would that put her in to put him on the spot for NOT finding her attractive, or guilt trip him for upsetting her by NOT finding her attractive?

She could say that OP made some ‘weird’ remarks but actually airing them to him, let alone friends, acquaintances, parents of children at the sports club?? 😂😂😂

“Amanda! You’ll never guess what Len’s wife said to me the other day! She said her husband - he’s the one I invited to France for the day - yes, and the hockey game after - she said he doesn’t fine me physically attractive!!! Can you believe it??! 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

”James’s mum, you know that dad I’m always chatting to? The one I coaxed into joining the all-female swimming group and numerous 1:1 activities once or twice a week - you know about France already don’t you - well you’ll never guess what his bitch-wife said to me last week!!!”

Seriously?

It is possible that she enjoys the sort of activities you do not like and that is why they are spending so much time together. You say he's an outdoors type but you find dog walking boring and wouldn't choose to go hiking. I think the problem here is that she does enjoy the activities that you don't like. In that respect this could be an emotional thing in that she is satisfying a need in him that you don't really have much interest in. It seems to have developed into something else from just lake swimming or an uncomplicated friendship now and he clearly is invested enough that he would travel with her knowing full well you are not happy with the time they are spending together. Why would she say something like that about hoping you didn't feel threatened by her? My guess would be that she knows the time they are spending together crosses boundaries and is aware of how it looks.

Ah ok, that's different then.

So it basically started as a work friendship - both married, purely platonic, but he always went out of his way to see me. Then he contacted me all the time - and I mean constantly, multiple messages a day, evenings, lunch and breakfast together every day at work, wanting to meet up on weekends too.

Looking back, I think he always liked me, but we basically both fell into a relationship without realising - with no intimacy - but talking and spending less time with our partners to accommodate this more intense relationship.

I didn't know what an EA was at the time either, but the only way I can describe it is that it felt like we were each others primary relationship and our partners were secondary.

Anyway, long story short he asked me to leave my partner (still nothing physical had happened at this point). I freaked out because I hadn't really realised this was what he was thinking - then I told my partner and stopped speaking to him completely. It actually ended badly because he then got upset and semi stalked me for about 2-3 years afterwards, I had to move jobs. I remained no contact at all times and he eventually gave up. He's still with his partner five years later... But I'm much more aware of EAs and would never enter into one again

I will add that during this entire time he remained firm with his wife that it was just a normal friendship and she had nothing to worry about - even when he was asking me to leave my husband!!! So, although it's not as bad as a physical affair I do think emotional affairs can involve a lot of deceit and betrayal

The likelihood is that she thought that there wasn't a problem with them spending so much time together. He probably initially thought the same until the road trip and told her it was fine, now however she will be aware it is an issue. Although I can understand why you did it I'd agree the comment you made was unwise OP. He is already invested enough that he went to France with her knowing it would upset you. He could easily have told her he had to get back to his family and not stayed out with her further. Being he is this invested that he puts her before your feelings the comment made will potentially have one of two outcomes. Either he will be so embarrassed that he drops the group and spends the rest of your relationship resentful towards you, or because he is already so invested in her he will work even harder seeking her forgiveness and trying to repair his friendship, thus spending even more time with her.

Unless OP is a bikini model herself, that comment doesn't come off well.
Not to mention the misplaced blame and putting a woman down over her DH's choices.
Thing is, she'll probably tell him & he'll apologise for OP's behaviour.

Now you have two women going at each other over a man who puts his own needs first.

Ah OP your comment was ok - it’s a crap situation and you did your best to nip it in the bud (if there is a bud). She’s bloody rude or a chancer for not respecting a marriage - but equally your DH/partner is a tool for not respecting it either. I wouldn’t overthink your comment, none of this is your fault.

I started off reading thinking disco ok. France not. Then releised posted over a week ago and events had happened as I read

sorry @JadeMembershe is making a play for your dp and sounding you out

I get why you said that comment about bikini model but would have been better to say no threat. Nice he had found an older friend 😂

but easy to say things later

I prob would have hidden passport so couldn’t have gone but seems he had plans to go anyway with food and drink etx

you do need to have a proper chat with dp. He may truly think she is just being a friend but other woman (us on mn) can tell she wants more with all these invites esp if single

days out. Take dog with you or get a dog Walker to pop in if out for a while

hope you can sort things out

A better response would have been to say that you don't feel threatened and it's nice your husband has friends who share his interests.

I'm afraid I agree with this.

This would have shown you're not threatened. Admitting you've had a conversation and the bikini model comment shows you do feel threatened.

I also agree it's strayed into EA territory.

As I said last week, he needs to affair proof his relationship which isn't just about his actions but managing the expectations of others too.

At the moment, he is behaving as a single man who is interested in spending time with this woman which is exactly how relationships start. Isn't it?

Her comment about you feeling threatened shows that she is aware that she is dominating his time. And it wasn't made from a place of concern and reassurance.

I also said last week that she knows what she is doing. And she really does. She knows what she is doing with the invitations and she knew what she was doing with the threatened comment.

The fact you and he have barely spoken to each other this week means she has succeeded in creating a situation/dynamic where she has been able to drive an emotional wedge between you both.

She's playing the long game. You are both making it easy for her and are not responding to this situation as a team. Rather than keeping her out in a way that allows him to have friends until her crush passes you're allowing her to step right in.

I think Y'all are being a little harsh on the OP about the unwise comment. I think she is a little naive about the extent of how far her DP and this woman have become engaged with each other and it's caught up with her all at once. Yes, she should have rehearsed possible scenarios in her head, but not everyone practises winning arguments in their head whilst walking the dog. (Please tell me that this is a thing)

I agree with this. Also, I wrote above about my own experience with an EA - and I don't necessarily think it was a bad comment for OP to make, it might make the woman feel guilty or put out.

Either way - OP I think you need to have a frank chat to your DH. Emotional affairs are often a big threat to a relationship and in my opinion he should stop speaking to this woman completely, but you need to be honest with him that's he's overstepped the mark

Rehome your dog or pay to have him looked after at the weekends, it’s not working out for your family or fair on your dog. Get your lives back. Having a dog is a huge commitment even if working from home - it’s stopping you doing things together as a family especially at the weekends.

OP your comment was justified and hopefully gets her thinking, or at least brought down a peg or two - she is a predator. You need to have a day off just you & him together and talk about emotional affairs (please print out the articles on here for him to see in black & white). Tell him that if he continues to see her/text her you have a problem with that. You have to be vulnerable (is that hard for you?). It will be the only way for him to see your serious - if he does/cannot live without seeing her he has to know the consequences (would you leave him or would you be happy to have 3 people in your relationship?) She is devious & could be playing the long game ie knows he will eventually want her more than you if she can get him alone/spend time with him so DO NOT let him take child to club and pLEASE check his phone/emails if it's innocently on his part he wont mind. If this marriage fails you will have done everything possible to have saved it. Good Luck.

I agree!