To give up work due to nursery bugs?!

[MimosasInFrance]

DH and I both have high stress jobs with a lot of responsibility. We earn the same amount, and we both work 4 days a week - meaning our 13 month old goes to nursery 3 days a week, with each of us covering a other day. This seemed a sensible balance when we were planning.

Since our baby started nursery in November we have all been constantly sick. I was expecting this to some extent, but it is just so much worse than I anticipated. There has not been a single day since November where we have felt well. We've all been on antibiotics for various infections. Tonsillitis. Heavy colds and flu, fever almost weekly. Vomiting bugs. Virtually every week he's sent home with something, that we then get. We've both had so much time off work. We have flexible employers, but at the end of the day we have jobs to do and it doesn't feel like we can do them if we carry on like this. I also have a terminally I'll mum they I basically cannot see because I can't risk passing on any illnesses, and we are never without them.

DS is absolutely miserable. Separation anxiety has kicked in as well, made worse by the sickness. He won't eat a lot of the time because he's unwell. People tell me that nursery is good for him, but I feel like I'm doing the wrong thing by him and I feel absolutely awful.

I just feel absolutely on my knees with it all and genuinely do not see how this can continue. Does it improve?? I know it's particularly bad right now because it's winter. But right now I feel like I'm failing at work and as a parent.

I genuinely am considering handing in my notice. We'd manage, although it wouldn't be ideal financially by any means. I also am not sure about taking myself out of the workforce in terms of future career. Plus we want another baby at some point (seems mad right now!!!) and I have good maternity leave currently. I can't really drop my hours further.

Can someone who has been here before offer any wisdom?

Would you consider a childminder? It worked wonders for us and we didn't have this problem too much, there are less children to mix with so less germs to pass around.

The first 6ish months is really brutal when the pick up everything though, I think it's common 😔

Have you looked into employing a nanny? I did this when my 2 youngest DC struggled with a childminder. They were much more settled in their own home.

Our nanny was always happy to still come when the DC had colds. I also felt much better at work knowing they were at home. It meant no nursery run either.

Children getting ill when they start nursery is really common but not them passing on to the entire house (except maybe for odd stomach bugs)

Is there an alternative? Childminder or nanny with lower numbers of children

Dont hand in your notice. Weve all been where you are. Its relentless in the early days but take comfort it does get better.

If you can be a SAHM, and all the other factors support it, then why not?

Make sure you have provisions for your earnings and pension, could you take a sabbatical from work so the job isn't lost?

The first winner was awful with both of ours, by spring when there were less bugs about their immune system was programmed and we’ve had nothing like it since. Give it a couple more months, it should ease up with the weather.

Winter is much worse than the other seasons.

I would suggest holding on for a few months before making a decision.

It's also worst in their first year or so in nursery or school.

Take a complete supplement to boost your nutrient levels, eat brilliantly, sleep as much as you can including naps/rest in the day if night times aren’t great. It will pass! Eventually. Be really nice to yourself as much as you can in the meantime.

Sorry about your mum. Could you meet her outdoors, to mitigate the germs? Or if her time is very short just spend some with her anyway? We did this when our mum was ill, because it was more important to be with her than to avoid giving her a cold. But her trajectory was very short.

Hang on until the summer. The first winter is grim.
If it's any consolation, mine barely ever had any time off school. I think they'd caught everything in the nursery years.

Quitting your job would be a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It won’t always be like this

My youngest went 1 day a week from 7 months, then 3 days from 13 months. They picked up loads of bugs in the first 6 months.

I was getting sick all the time!! I had blood tests done and was low on b12, vitamin d and had low white blood cells. I didn't know this as at the time, my GP said I was fine! I looked at my test results online a few months later and then it all clicked.

I would suggest getting yourself checked out and then seeing if a really good multivitamin for you and dc helps.

Dont pull them out of nursery. My dc now has a VERY strong immune system and when sick it's only mildly. I am on supplements for everything and hardly get ill now too.

I’d see if you can take a year out. Most households can’t survive on one household so have to put their children in nursery so of course say it is the best thing. And some children do love it. But most would prefer to be at home!
He will be much more robust in a year too so hopefully not catch so many bugs!

The first year is brutal. My dd was out more than she was in. We had fevers all year as an entire family.

But it does get better. Keep going! Don't hand your notice in whatever you do.

Nanny or childminder, there’s absolutely no
benefit to nursery for a 13 month old.

unless it’s unaffordable: If my mum was terminally ill and I couldn’t see her YES Id quit. A hundred times yes. You can’t get that time back OP, speaking as someone who lost both parents (one whilst pregnant, one when ds was aged nearly 3). I took an extra time off work (quit my job) to be with mum and toddler dc until my mum died - no regrets whatsoever. So happy and my toddler still remembers his nanny.

My dc1 had this nursery situation (after my dad died I went back to work when dc was 10months) where she was constantly ill- I caught everything and I was broken by it. Same thing - recurrent coughs and tonsillitis, colds that lasted weeks so they just a all l blurred together. It went on for most of that first year in nursery. Oh and she caught slapped face and chickenpox too (I didn’t).

it’s so hard and not everyone has te same experience. Vitamin pills and healthy food don’t always fix it!

People who say “ Nursery is good for children “ probably have to send a young child there.

If you can afford to be a SAHM while your child is so very young ( 13 months) do it.

Your child will probably be much happier.
( not a popular view- but wealthy people don’t put kids into nursery so young- they have a nanny at home if they carry on working) .

The first winter is brutal, but it does get better and your child will have a stronger immune system for it. If it wasn't for your family situation, I'd say stick with it, but in your situation, I'd look for a childminder or nanny (if affordable). I wouldn't take myself out of the job market, though.

Hang in there OP. It WILL get better.

November to January is the absolute worst for bugs going round, and your little one has been thrust into a germ breeding ground. There's a glass panel in the door of my daughter's room at nursery and every time I collect or drop her off some tiny child is licking that damn window in exactly the same spot.

Both my kids went through a period of catching everything going, their first winter at nursery.

My daughter is now in her second winter at nursery and she's barely caught anything at all this time round. And my son is now at school and hasn't had a single day off sick since September. I think all those nursery germs have made them pretty robust.

My son was with a childminder before we managed to find a place in nursery and it just wasn't as good for his development. My daughter started nursery much earlier (at 8 months) and she's way more confident, sociable and independent than her brother was at the same age.

Try to get as much sleep as possible, eat well, take vitamins, wash your hands, get your flu jabs, and hopefully you'll be a bit more protected. But this is a phase his immature immune system has to go through and he might as well go through it now.

Don't hand in your notice. By the time you've worked out your notice and are able to quit, the sick bug season will be over and your son will be through the worst of it.

Thanks everyone. It is helpful to hear words of reassurance that it does improve! My little boy woke up with a smile this morning so that has made me feel a bit better about it all.

Re: a nanny, we could stretch to it - although the administration of it slightly overwhelmed me at the time. I didn't think a childminder would be much advantage, although interesting to hear the experiences of others so I will consider it.

Sounds like I need to power through a bit and hope things improve with Spring!

It gets better I promise. I remember the first 6 months well, it felt like we never did a full week. We were all going so ill.

But, ds then developed an amazing immune system and didn't have one day off sick throughout the whole of primary school.

Get vitamins for you all, hang on in there, there is an end to it.

Your DS is miserable and so are his parents.
Sounds as though you have a few options. Consider what’s truly best for him. More time at home, with a parent, and fewer bugs and germs would help him to feel stronger, more secure and ultimately happier.

It is a very tough decision because of consequences down the line. Do you enjoy your job, and is it one you could return to after a few years? Can you pay for the basics on one salary, and deal with missing out on things like holidays, eating out, nice clothes? Most importantly, is your relationship solid?

In a similar situation, I resigned and was a SAHM for a couple of years, but that was with DD who was my second (and last) baby, so future maternity leave was not an issue.

I was already down to 4 days a week and my DM looked after DD for one day, but I still had long hours, a few weeks away every year, and DD was utterly miserable. For the first time in my life I got an "almost achieved" in a mid year assessment at work, and I thought that I would probably give myself an "almost achieved" as a parent too. So something had to give.

For us as a family it was the right decision. Everyone was happier. The stress was off DH so he could focus on his career, DC weren't passed from pillar to post and I was there when they were ill, and for school pick-ups and the holidays. I had (have) a big group of mum friends and we had lots of days out, activities etc.

The big 'but' here, is that I never went back to my career, partly because there were a lot of changes during my time off, and partly because it would continue to interfere with family life. And it was never a job that I loved. I was a Teaching Assistant for DC's primary school years and have had 'little' jobs ever since. I've been happy with the little jobs, but the pay is low.

Coming up to retirement, I only have a small pension. Had I made a different decision, I would be retiring this year on a big pension. As it happens I will have to wait another 7 years and life will be more frugal. Fortunately DH has a decent pension so we will live.

DH and I discussed it recently. We agreed that it was still the right decision for us. I was very unhappy at the time and I'm fine with working for a few more years as the price for being happy during my child rearing years. DC have been very successful academically and have said that they appreciated being able to come home to relax after school rather than go to after school clubs.

So for us, it worked. If you spend time on MN, however, it doesn't always. Without having your own salary you can be in a vulnerable position. So there is a lot to consider.

On the plus side your child won't be the one odd sick every week in reception because they will have built up immunity already.

Nurseries are a bit of a hot bed for germs and this is compounded when you all catch it at home. You can help reduce the spread of these bugs and build more immunity.

My top tips are, get some multivitamins into all of you. Be neurotic about cleaning / handwashing. So hand-wash and sanitiser gel after nappy changes, bottom or nose wiping. Spray down toilets, door handles, taps etc with disinfectant when people are ill. If you have 2 bathrooms then quarantine sick people to one bathroom. Keep toothbrushes covered up / in a cupboard when not in use. Put your dishwasher on its hottest cycle when people are sick. Open the windows in your house daily and in bathrooms as much as possible. Get plenty of sleep.

DGS is 13mths old. He doesn’t go to nursery. Since October he’s been in hospital three times with RSV, twice on HDU, he’s has lots of colds and this past week he’s been struck down with a vomiting bug. He goes swimming, to music groups, stay and play etc, so unless you’re going to be a SAHM who stays at home all day and does nothing else, the chances are he will still get sick.

Forget all the illness and just ask yourself would you want to be a stay at home mum? If the answer is yes then consider it but if the answer is no then don’t just do it because of this situation. You’ll go from one misery to another.
I wouldn’t hand my notice in over this keep going, it’s winter everyone has bugs etc over this period.