To give up work due to nursery bugs?!

[MimosasInFrance]

DH and I both have high stress jobs with a lot of responsibility. We earn the same amount, and we both work 4 days a week - meaning our 13 month old goes to nursery 3 days a week, with each of us covering a other day. This seemed a sensible balance when we were planning.

Since our baby started nursery in November we have all been constantly sick. I was expecting this to some extent, but it is just so much worse than I anticipated. There has not been a single day since November where we have felt well. We've all been on antibiotics for various infections. Tonsillitis. Heavy colds and flu, fever almost weekly. Vomiting bugs. Virtually every week he's sent home with something, that we then get. We've both had so much time off work. We have flexible employers, but at the end of the day we have jobs to do and it doesn't feel like we can do them if we carry on like this. I also have a terminally I'll mum they I basically cannot see because I can't risk passing on any illnesses, and we are never without them.

DS is absolutely miserable. Separation anxiety has kicked in as well, made worse by the sickness. He won't eat a lot of the time because he's unwell. People tell me that nursery is good for him, but I feel like I'm doing the wrong thing by him and I feel absolutely awful.

I just feel absolutely on my knees with it all and genuinely do not see how this can continue. Does it improve?? I know it's particularly bad right now because it's winter. But right now I feel like I'm failing at work and as a parent.

I genuinely am considering handing in my notice. We'd manage, although it wouldn't be ideal financially by any means. I also am not sure about taking myself out of the workforce in terms of future career. Plus we want another baby at some point (seems mad right now!!!) and I have good maternity leave currently. I can't really drop my hours further.

Can someone who has been here before offer any wisdom?

Are you taking vitamins and getting outside in the fresh air at weekends? I was ruthless about getting in as many sunny winter walks as possible, didn't share handtowels with my DC's and didn't touch door handles.

Of course you wouldn’t be unreasonable to stay home with your tiny child. Kids are always better off with their parents in their formative years. If you can afford it I wouldn’t even worry about it. Do what is best for your family.

Solidarity. It's miserable. If DD isn't ill, I am ill. I just have to suck it up and work I'll now or I would be off permanently. My work is really understanding but I do have a job to do. I'm not meeting targets with either being unwell or off. My mum is immunocompromised so we don't see her any more as we can't risk her treatment, my heart hurts. DD doesn't even like nursery, they say she is emotional all day and she doesn't eat there.
I don't have any advice. I can't quit, my DH earns less so he could but his department are not replacing people who left and he wouldn't get a similar job locally in the future.
I have no advice but you aren't alone. Sending love.

Happy for you. Perhaps now you can stop derailing OP’s thread?

If her baby wasn’t in nursery they wouldn’t all be so ill, which is the problem she has posted about. All of the alternative forms of childcare that exist will result in her and her baby catching fewer illnesses and also will give her more flexibility in being able to continue working when he is ill (because childminders are often more flexible, a nanny will definitely care for a sick baby).

I loved working very part time when kids were small. It goes in a flash and those days were so special (and chaotic). I work f/t now they are all late teens/20 year olds and so glad I did have time with them.

This isn't correct though.

By the time the OP has served out her notice period it will be late spring or early summer, her baby will no longer be sick, he'll have spent 6 months in nursery for basically no reason because he'd then lose the benefits of being in that environment at his age, and she'll have taken a major hit to her career and their family finances, which will also have a negative impact on her family.

All children go through a period of getting sick all the time because it's the first time they've been exposed to so many germs. If it doesn't happen when they're a one year old in nursery it'll happen when they're a three year old in preschool or a four year old in reception. Might as well get it over with. It's February, the OP's family are already through the worst of it even if they don't realise it yet.

I honestly cannot stand the women on here who try to guilt trip new mums by making them feel like sending their child to nursery is a bad thing. Just because it wasn't your choice, doesn't mean it is the wrong choice.

Why not just get a nanny to look after him at home?

Im not trying to guilt trip the OP, I’m responding with advice and a suggestion, which is why she posted the thread. I’m far from the only one who has suggested that there are alternatives to nursery which don’t involve giving up your job.

Nursery is a breeding ground for germs because there are so many small children there in close proximity. They also (rightly) have strict policies that mean that if a child is ill they have to stay off for certain periods, even if they are well, which makes it harder for parents to manage.

If the OP gets a nanny or switches to a childminder she can do it immediately and it will solve both of those problems. Yes the illnesses will start to reduce in the spring but they won’t stop completely and then they will start up again come the autumn.

It is not correct that a child will get the same number of illnesses whenever they start a setting. I know you prefer to ignore the academic research but there is plenty on that too.

If you insist on arguing based purely on your own opinion and ignoring both the academic evidence and common sense there’s not much point in me engaging further.

Have you tried rinsing your nose with salt water?
I do this twice a day, and it's saved me from nursery bugs all winter.Please give it a go.
Since I've been doing it not one cold.
I have exowrience of doing for a whole year once before and it really worked .I work in a nursery.

I wouldn’t because as soon as they start pre school/ reception they will get the bugs then. Both my DC were unwell at least once a month when they started nursery, once the eldest got to pre school they were rarely ill. Maybe a childminder would be better.

Hi OP,

I do sympathise! However, I also think that you'll just be putting off the inevitable as you'll be in the same position when he starts school.

If you want to be a SAHM, then that's different. But if you're only considering it because of the bugs, I'd maybe hang on a bit and see if the situation improves with the changing seasons.

Sounds tough. As much as the nursery illnesses are likely to get better eventually, I’m not sure I agree with others that you should stick it out right now, if you can afford not to. Your mum being terminally ill might swing it in favour of being worth some time off work for you. Could you speak to your job about a 6 month or one year sabbatical instead of straight up quitting?

Our youngest went to a childminder, and loved it. He was one of a group of 4, the baby of the group and totally adored by the other children.
They used to go on day trips to the beach, museum, park, picnic lunches and he used to love going (he asked to go back there once he started school 😂)
The benefits we found were that if there was day that our little one was a little under the weather, with a cold for example he could go and have a quiet day chilling out, or if he’d had a rubbish night sleep the childminder would plan the day so that he could catch up with a nap in the buggy if they were going out etc
Because it was a small group of children, he hardly was ever really unwell, although he must have a fairly robust immune system as he started school in September and has only picked up one bug so far.
I won’t suggest someone stay at work if they can afford not to, with a small child and terminally ill parent if leaving was what they wanted to do, but it sounds like you don’t want to give up completely so I would, in your shoes look into local childminders.

It won't solve the problem, it will postpone the problem. Complete waste of time, and an insane reason to change settings when the hardest part is already behind her.

Don't naked a silly knee jerk reaction to a short term situation. It's only been a few weeks really.

Mine always got bugs the first few months, at nursery and then the first term at school every year. There's a reason why Freshers flu is a thing.
But it never spread through the whole household, except for the odd stomach bug.
Are you eating a good diet and getting enough vitamins? Honestly it'll get worse once they're at school and it shouldn't be spreading like that.

I’ll try to explain this really simply for you. You can’t become immune to the vast majority of the illnesses circulating in a nursery - they are viruses.

So it is a choice between exposing your child to this at age 1 and having 3 years of colds, flu, fevers, ear infections, impetigo, stomach bugs, hand foot and mouth, worms, nits, D&V etc etc or waiting until your child is older before exposing them to all of that.

3-4 year olds catch less of these illnesses than babies not because they’ve had them in the past but because (a) they are in less forced proximity (b) they have better hygiene and (c) more developed immune systems (via maturity, not through exposure). As I said, you can read the scientific evidence on this, of which there is plenty.

In simple terms, a child starting nursery at 3 will not get more illnesses in the winter term than a child who has been there since 1. They will get exactly the same number, and overall will have been ill far less obviously as won’t have had the previous 2 years of illness.

Thanks everyone. I've got lots of great advice here and it's very useful to hear different perspectives.

I think the best thing for me to do is not make any rash decisions and see what happens in a few months. I feel more positive about it hearing from people who have come out the other side! If I really think about it, I don't ultimately want to give up work completely. I feel fulfilled by my career, I just feel overwhelmed by our current circumstances and I think found the transition back from maternity leave harder than I expected in lots of ways.

I think I'll cost up a nanny so we at least are clear on our options, and explore what the childminder options are in the local area. I do agree with some posters that I don't want to just kick the problem down the road to school though.

A few people have suggested our immune system might be a bit low - to be honest it could well be. We're under a lot of stress in various ways and, as you might imagine, we're not sleeping especially well at the moment. I'll get myself some multivitamins. I was good at taking them during pregnancy but admittedly I've let that fall away a bit. We get plenty of fresh air (I hate being stuck in the house!) so in that regard we do well at least.

This is the main reason neither of my kids have been to nursery. They didn't suffer in any way by not going. We were all better off for it with less stress, less bugs which are just CRAZY in nursery. Do what's right for you!!! Years ago nursery wasn't really a thing because mum's stayed at home! I'm so sick of everyone pushing the nursery agenda. KEEP YOUR CHILD AT HOME IF YOU CAN. Fully expecting people to start having a go at me when they read this, so I wont be reading any replies. If you can, do it!!

Yeah, I have to agree. Mine didn’t go until they were just under 3. They got a few bugs but not many, as I think their immune systems were a bit more developed.

We did go to baby groups etc until then so they had some exposure and lots of socialising.

As a family we rarely get sick now.

it’s nursery and it’s winter. it’s just a norm and as her immunity gets better it will be less disruptive

You’re not just kicking it down the road - that is based on a complete misunderstanding of what these illnesses are, how they spread, and how our immune system works.

Your child will not be any more or less sick when starting school if he catches loads of illnesses over the next 2 years or not. The only exception that I can think of is chicken pox but you can get a vaccine for that.

It is child dependant too.

Mine started nursery as babies, they got the odd cold but no sickness bugs until they were toddlers.

Only one of my 4 children got sick all the time at that age. That was the one with a milk and soya allergy.
Any allergy not noticed could cause the immune system to be in overdrive, and I'm mentioning milk and soya because it is extremely common for babies who were exclusively breastfed until 6 months. Research is there to find but not widely available yet. Just thought I'd throw this out there as something to rule out first. Symptoms could be diarrhea, constipation, tummy aches (colic when younger) or eczema.