To give up work due to nursery bugs?!

[MimosasInFrance]

DH and I both have high stress jobs with a lot of responsibility. We earn the same amount, and we both work 4 days a week - meaning our 13 month old goes to nursery 3 days a week, with each of us covering a other day. This seemed a sensible balance when we were planning.

Since our baby started nursery in November we have all been constantly sick. I was expecting this to some extent, but it is just so much worse than I anticipated. There has not been a single day since November where we have felt well. We've all been on antibiotics for various infections. Tonsillitis. Heavy colds and flu, fever almost weekly. Vomiting bugs. Virtually every week he's sent home with something, that we then get. We've both had so much time off work. We have flexible employers, but at the end of the day we have jobs to do and it doesn't feel like we can do them if we carry on like this. I also have a terminally I'll mum they I basically cannot see because I can't risk passing on any illnesses, and we are never without them.

DS is absolutely miserable. Separation anxiety has kicked in as well, made worse by the sickness. He won't eat a lot of the time because he's unwell. People tell me that nursery is good for him, but I feel like I'm doing the wrong thing by him and I feel absolutely awful.

I just feel absolutely on my knees with it all and genuinely do not see how this can continue. Does it improve?? I know it's particularly bad right now because it's winter. But right now I feel like I'm failing at work and as a parent.

I genuinely am considering handing in my notice. We'd manage, although it wouldn't be ideal financially by any means. I also am not sure about taking myself out of the workforce in terms of future career. Plus we want another baby at some point (seems mad right now!!!) and I have good maternity leave currently. I can't really drop my hours further.

Can someone who has been here before offer any wisdom?

Well this is rubbish. Plenty of children this young go to nursery and are thriving,

I really don't need things explaining to me simply (how rude and patronising) by someone who has zero experience of their child in nursery at the age under discussion, thanks.

It sounds like a different option might be better for your whole family.

My son is happy as larry in nursery at 16m - but I must say he's usually the only baby not crying when I pick him up. He's one of those babies that LOVES routine, so he's always marching up to nursery staff to help them get out the chairs for lunch at 11.30 on the dot, etc.

But when I pick him up, he's usually rooting in a toy bin, sitting reading with staff, "wiping" the food tables etc... whilst around him it's a carnage of howling babies who just want to be taken home. And I don't pick up particularly late either - 4.15.

I don't think nursery is a no for every baby, but it's certainly not good if it has this big an impact on your home.

@MimosasInFrance I think you're taking the right approach. Being a SAHM is hard and it doesn't sound like it's what you want.

@TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis that sounds like a real shame (maybe not a good nursery?) - at that age, my DS would hide because he didn't want me to take him home 😂and I really didn't see all the other babies/toddlers howling either

It wasn’t intended to be rude - I thought it might be helpful to explain it in a couple of different ways since you kept repeating the same wrong thing.

The fact you think that my children are relevant to any of it suggests that you still don’t understand, but I’ll leave it now.

First nursery winter has been brutal for us OP and also a room move which has started the cycle again 🥴 We have no village so it's been hard to juggle again fortunate enough that our employers are understanding. Hoping things will get on an even keel again soon 💖

Saying there are no benefits is not the same thing as saying there are disadvantages.

A good nursery is fine and will do no harm, will not stop a baby from thriving. But it’s not better than not being in nursery for a 1 year old.

I hear you, it was like this for my DD. So much so we pulled her out of nursery and another grandparent looked after her until pre school age. I appreciate that was lucky and not everyone has that available. I remember the nursery being quite dismissive of me asking why on earth I was taking her out? The problem was they rang me nearly every day about a bug and that she needed picking up. At the time I worked an hour's commute away and was finishing a masters. Nightmare!
What about a local childminder? Or a year long sabbatical? (that was what my employer called it). It's becoming more common that employers offer this. Sorry you have to deal with this.

My mum wouldn't let me near any kids who had a cold when I was a preschooler. When I started school I caught everything and have always had loads of colds throughout my life, I'm now 47 and it still happens.
Both my kids went to nursery from 12 months, 4 days a week. Yes it was tough at first (we started both from summer so that made it slightly easier) but now they have good immune systems.
Assuming you have to give 3 months notice it could have improved before you actually stop work. I would persevere OP, hang in there

If they don't get it at. Purses the will get it all when they start school.

At nursery they will get it all at school.

Why is there no edit function on the app?!

6 months things usually get better

"I’ll try to explain this really simply for you. You can’t become immune to the vast majority of the illnesses circulating in a nursery - they are viruses."

Are you saying you don't become immune to viruses? 🤔

If he's picked it all up now he should be ok when he starts school!! Chill, relax, stop feeling guilty and don't give up work.

The first few months are AWFUL but it does get better! I don't have children but I work at a nursery and my nephew started there in March 2024 doing 3 days a week, I don't think he managed a full week until around July! Granted he's a very snotty child anyway that gets a lot of ear infections. He was always being sent home!

Now he's running around like a loon and they probably wish they could send him home haha. But he's not missed a nursery day in months now due to illness!

No im not - I’m saying (obviously) that you don’t become immune to the viruses that nursery kids are catching.

Winter is always the worst for bugs at nursery. It does get better as they get older too. They stop licking so many things for a start. I have no idea if catching bugs really builds up your immune system but my little one caught loads of stuff at nursery but then didn’t have a single day off school when they got to reception. Hope you feel better soon.

This was us with DD1. She was a precious first born and caught everything! She also started nursery in winter and ran a temperature for 6 months! plus this is age for separation anxiety.

Then it just turned a corner, she was well, she enjoyed nursery. They figured out a way to get her to nap (blackout shade on a buggy). She was there till she went to school and now has the constitution of a horse and is rarely ill! I think that intense period where her immune system had to catch up just set her up.

By the time DD2 started she had been exposed to all the germs via her sister and cousins, so she sailed through those first few months with barely a sniffle.

just hang on, it does get better!

My son is now 20 and I can still remember those first few months of nursery- they’re brutal. I do warn all the mums at work when they come back from maternity leave that it will be horrendous, but it will get better.

Ultimately your child needs to build up immunity and if they don’t now, it’ll happen when they start school or pre school. As my son had been in nursery 3 days a week he sailed through infants and didn’t miss a single day, while others who hadn’t done nursery were off all the time with all the bugs under the sun.

I'm so sorry to hear your mum is so unwell. You must feel very overwhelmed generally and being constantly ill and unable to see her must compound it all.

We did a nanny share with another family when DC1 was v little, another child was good company but admittedly the logistics of two cots, two high chairs and a double buggy in a small London terrace was a headache. They moved away and we sucked up the cost solo as I was pregnant with no2 by then. I took a short maternity leave so we could keep our nanny on and maintain some continuity. We both worked FT though. A nanny gave us more flex, there were less bugs all round (but you don’t escape entirely unless they never go to any sort of group activity) and the cost was less than 2 in a London nursery. We used nannytax for all the payroll
admin.

Both kids moved to a childminder with two children of her own when DC1 started reception as it coincided with our nanny going on maternity leave and indicating she didn’t plan to return to work. DC2 shared the school day with a mindee whose mother worked term times only and had a ball with the older children in the holidays.

There are pros and cons to all childcare models so this is just my personal experience. A nanny mostly worked well for us. If she was ill, we were up the spout obviously with no local network of grandparents but we were both senior enough to work flexibly at home (pre pandemic) and call an agency if it looked like more than one day. On the upside if our kids were unwell they were in safe hands.

I’ve managed a lot of new parents over the years and my advice to both is the first six months post mat leave is just something to be endured by them, and by me as they will be pretty unreliable. They always scoff 😂 I’m a firm believer of paying it forward in this regard. You get far more out of your staff if they feel you have their back when their personal life is pulling their priorities apart.

So two things. Don’t give up work and remember, it’s just a job! Keep it in context and don’t tear yourself in two trying to keep everyone happy.

Don’t quit your job. I totally understand (been there 3 times) but it does get easier. Eventually they stop getting any illnesses. Please don’t quit your job. We need more women in high responsibility roles, not fewer. It will ease off and the spring/summer is generally better too. He will also get used to it. I do believe nurseries are good for children and 4-3 is a good balance.

First 6 months I was ill constant but it gets better

Same here. Been at school 3 years now and no days off. Nursery was brutal, especially in years 0-2

That is true. It’s the process of building up immunity. They need to get these bugs in order to develop immunity

It will pass! The thing is, if you don’t go through it now you’ll have to go through it at some point in the future - even when he starts school. The first winter after DS started school was horrendous! I’ve never been so consistently ill in my life.

Get your vit D levels checked also. Since improving my vitamin and mineral levels I barely get ill anymore. I have managed all this winter only catching ONE mild cold.