To give up work due to nursery bugs?!

[MimosasInFrance]

DH and I both have high stress jobs with a lot of responsibility. We earn the same amount, and we both work 4 days a week - meaning our 13 month old goes to nursery 3 days a week, with each of us covering a other day. This seemed a sensible balance when we were planning.

Since our baby started nursery in November we have all been constantly sick. I was expecting this to some extent, but it is just so much worse than I anticipated. There has not been a single day since November where we have felt well. We've all been on antibiotics for various infections. Tonsillitis. Heavy colds and flu, fever almost weekly. Vomiting bugs. Virtually every week he's sent home with something, that we then get. We've both had so much time off work. We have flexible employers, but at the end of the day we have jobs to do and it doesn't feel like we can do them if we carry on like this. I also have a terminally I'll mum they I basically cannot see because I can't risk passing on any illnesses, and we are never without them.

DS is absolutely miserable. Separation anxiety has kicked in as well, made worse by the sickness. He won't eat a lot of the time because he's unwell. People tell me that nursery is good for him, but I feel like I'm doing the wrong thing by him and I feel absolutely awful.

I just feel absolutely on my knees with it all and genuinely do not see how this can continue. Does it improve?? I know it's particularly bad right now because it's winter. But right now I feel like I'm failing at work and as a parent.

I genuinely am considering handing in my notice. We'd manage, although it wouldn't be ideal financially by any means. I also am not sure about taking myself out of the workforce in terms of future career. Plus we want another baby at some point (seems mad right now!!!) and I have good maternity leave currently. I can't really drop my hours further.

Can someone who has been here before offer any wisdom?

Could you and / or your dp reduce your days again and / or try and wfh more?

I know people say "never give up your job/financial independence to raise children" and I get that...but your ds isn't happy and neither are his parents. So you need to do something.

I would be careful moving to a childminder as you may have the same issue. We suffered with this even joining in the summer and my husband caught everything too. It does settle down and sometimes it does depend on the nursery. Our nursery strike a good balance of not sending them home with a sniffle and not having continuous cycles of illness there

Seriously?

I had 3 DCs in school and nursery and worked FT in a public facing role and am finding it difficult to comprehend the level of co stand illness you describe.

Either you're being a bit of a snowflake or you need a serious medical overhaul of normal winter bugs are bringing you down to this extent.

Give up work if you want and you can afford it.

A friend of mine had this, constantly ill for almost a year. She switched nurseries and her son is ill maybe once a month now. She says it has to be the nursery.

My experience (although anecdotal from the school WhatsApp groups) is that you just kick the can down the road. The children at DCs school that didn't go to nursery spent a lot more time off school in their reception year and to some extent the winter of year 1. I don't really think the illnesses are avoidable, it's more timing of getting them. It's not like you would completely avoid illnesses as a SAHM either.

I'd really consider if you can just hang on a couple of months until warmer weather. Is it really worth giving up your career when summer is just around the corner?

Also a couple of years ago I would have scoffed at a multivitamin helping. However it turns out, like a PP, the GP has been fobbing me off for years with tiredness and illness being a result of being a full time working mother. Actually when I got to see my results I had vitamin deficiencies and a low WBC count. Correcting those has made me feel much better and less prone to illness.

If you can take a week of annual leave each (one then the other), 2 weeks for him to pick his health back up.
Then we'll be on our way out of cold season and it should be improving anyway. By next winter he'll be nearly 2 and shouldn't be ill anywhere near as much.
If you were a sahm he'd likely be ill regularly anyway as you'd still likely take him out to socialise at toddler groups etc.

Everyone is sick, even people without kids. We are on to week 3 of recurring illnesses amongst the family and have similar high stress jobs but just have to power on.

I'm also taking higher strength vitamins because the diet has been pretty poor last few weeks.

It's winter - wait until Spring and make your decision then. Maybe find a childminder and reduce your hours.

I’d say stick with it. The first 6 months are the worst, plus as the weather warms up there will be fewer bugs around for him to catch. Things should improve very soon.

I've been ill loads this winter but my grandchildren haven't, two of them are in Nursery. It's been a particularly bad winter for viruses for much of the population. Stopping work because of it seems a bit of an over reaction.

@MimosasInFrance I absolutely feel your pain! We were in the same boat when our son was little - it was so depressing & I was permanently on edge, waiting for the next 'thing'. It really affected family life - we barely made it to any social events & never got any 'time off' as parents.

I ended up taking a career break, which helped enormously with the guilt/stress & allowed us all to get a bit healthier - inbetween the coughs & colds picked up at toddler groups!

We had a good run before he started school & then his immune system took another hammering! That was tough because there's the added pressure re. attendance levels & them missing important stuff, etc. Beyond frustrating when other parents merrily send their kids into the classroom with all sorts of infectious conditions. 😡

I didn't return to work properly until he was about 6/7yrs old & was part time to begin with. Bizarrely, he's now a strapping almost 18yr old & is rarely ill at all!

It will improve. You get to the point you are currently at - thinking there is no way this will be possible - and then it starts to get better. It was exactly like this with both my DC.

Get a nanny.

I think the colds going round this year have been far worse than normal by the way. We have been wiped out by multiple - which we normally aren’t.

Do not give up your job. If things don't work out with your husband you'll be fucked. Protect your career. Work on your own immune system - sleep, diet, exercise. Think about a nanny or child minder if it doesn't get any better. DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR JOB. Literally this is the biggest regret of my life. It has taken me 7 years to claw my way back and I'm not even level pegging with where I was pre-baby.

Good for you.

But it's a pretty common experience for the first winter of nursery/childcare to be one long bug-fest for the whole family. I don't think it's that hard to comprehend and it doesn't make everyone it happens to a 'snowflake'.

OP, November is peak illness season to be starting nursery. If it's just about the illness I'd try and ride it out until the summer when things will almost certainly improve a lot. Unless you want to change your working pattern for other reasons as well.

I work for nursery agency and have been to tonnes of different settings.

Some setting do not clean very often and I also get sick when I visit them. One particular nursery gave me conjunctivitis and another time I visited gave me a cold sore. This was in the baby room. I spoke to other agency staff and they told me they don’t observe them cleaning down the toys or wash the children’s hands very often.

Other nurseries I have been at are very hot on cleaning. Washing hands when they come inside, before and after eating. Wiping down the toys after lunch and soaking in Milton at the end of the day. Moping the floor after lunch. Wiping down chairs. Clean sheets on the bedding. In the baby rooms they need to be extra careful as the babies crawl on the floor and put everything in their mouth.

I would raise it with the nursery and ask them how often toys and tables get wiped down and how often. Ask about their sickness policy and do they let sick children into the setting as it’s causing your family to suffer.

I’ve also notice that nursery’s where children go out in the garden a lot have fewer illnesses. The best nursery I went to was inside a park and I rarely saw the children or staff get ill.

I wouldn't bother. They will only get the bugs in school instead.

I've got 3 kids and went back to work when they were all about one. The first winter each time was BRUTAL! Exactly as you describe, never felt well and sooooo much time off work. But it does get better! The second winter was tough but not quite as bad and then by the third they had great immune systems. My 6 year old now barely catches anything that goes round at school and has barely had a day off since he started!

If you can afford it quit or get a nanny. Spend some time with your mum and enjoy a few years at home.
Looking back I don't regret working very part time when mine were little. I'm not well at the moment and can assure you won't regret it.

Those of us who work in schools/nurseries and DC in nursery have a double whammy. Bugs are unavoidable, especially in these places and they do help to build up your immune system i believe?

I can completely sympathise with this. My daughter has been in nursery since she was 10 months old and seems to constantly be ill! I'm lucky that my employer is really flexible and I make up working hours in the evenings or mornings. Is this something you could do? I personally wouldn't leave my job in your position.

by late march/ early April things should start getting better… until late October; then starts all over again

Get a nanny.

A good one is worth their weight in gold.

Lots of nannies with their own child may want a part time gig and that's cheaper too.

You can ofsted register to pay with tax free childcare which will save you a bit.

Our first 2 winters were like this with DD!

We convinced ourselves that the more bugs she conquered the less she would get in the future! No idea if that’s actually true! The winters were hard!

I would pay for a flu vaccine every year for you and DH