To give up work due to nursery bugs?!

[MimosasInFrance]

DH and I both have high stress jobs with a lot of responsibility. We earn the same amount, and we both work 4 days a week - meaning our 13 month old goes to nursery 3 days a week, with each of us covering a other day. This seemed a sensible balance when we were planning.

Since our baby started nursery in November we have all been constantly sick. I was expecting this to some extent, but it is just so much worse than I anticipated. There has not been a single day since November where we have felt well. We've all been on antibiotics for various infections. Tonsillitis. Heavy colds and flu, fever almost weekly. Vomiting bugs. Virtually every week he's sent home with something, that we then get. We've both had so much time off work. We have flexible employers, but at the end of the day we have jobs to do and it doesn't feel like we can do them if we carry on like this. I also have a terminally I'll mum they I basically cannot see because I can't risk passing on any illnesses, and we are never without them.

DS is absolutely miserable. Separation anxiety has kicked in as well, made worse by the sickness. He won't eat a lot of the time because he's unwell. People tell me that nursery is good for him, but I feel like I'm doing the wrong thing by him and I feel absolutely awful.

I just feel absolutely on my knees with it all and genuinely do not see how this can continue. Does it improve?? I know it's particularly bad right now because it's winter. But right now I feel like I'm failing at work and as a parent.

I genuinely am considering handing in my notice. We'd manage, although it wouldn't be ideal financially by any means. I also am not sure about taking myself out of the workforce in terms of future career. Plus we want another baby at some point (seems mad right now!!!) and I have good maternity leave currently. I can't really drop my hours further.

Can someone who has been here before offer any wisdom?

If you totally remove him from childcare now you are just kicking the can down the road until school. Had DD1 during the start of COVID so she got hardly any illnesses the first 18 months or so.

She didn't go to nursery as we managed by reducing hours and grandparents. The first winter she was in school was horrendous. She was ill every 2 weeks and we often caught it as well. This year has been better. The only real benefit was I was on mat leave with DD2 so it was easier to cover care for DD1 when she was ill x

Would paying a nanny for 3 full days and still working mean you are better off financially than you giving up work altogether?

I felt exactly like you OP, although we didn’t get quite so many bugs.

My DD went to nursery at 9 months and I went back to work. Hated it. She was miserable. I was miserable. I missed her and felt like I was doing a bad job at everything.

I quit and went freelance. Had another baby, it was so easy, I fit my work around them, very little at first but now I am full time again as they are older.

Yes, my career did take a little while to recover but I don’t regret it for a minute.

@MimosasInFrance this winter has been particularly bad. My dgs has been in nursery for 2 years and he had much more sickness this winter than his first winter.

Once the nursery are outside more then the bugs will decrease.

If you’re going to give up your salary anyway, surely the cost of a nanny would be a similar solution? Though I do realise nursery fees are eye watering enough!

perhaps you could drop a day, or take a 3 month sabbatical to restore your immune system particularly with your mums situation. It does get easier but I have to say your immune systems don’t sound too strong. I have a crap immune system and swear by a drink called Revive - not sure if you can get it in the UK but its a life saver in this house!

DH and I both have high stress jobs with a lot of responsibility. We earn the same amount, and we both work 4 days a week - meaning our 13 month old goes to nursery 3 days a week, with each of us covering a other day. This seemed a sensible balance when we were planning.

This describes DH and I perfectly and honestly it is a sensible balance and has worked brilliantly

In particular DH having a day with the kids has helped enormously with equal parenting

It's also much more tax efficient than one of us giving up work

The first winter in nursery is hideous but it really did get better and it got better quite fast.

Having said that, with the added complication of your terminally ill mother, I would consider a nanny if I were you - the nanny might also be willing to be flexible if you needed weekend care on the odd occasion to be with your mum

My daughter started nursery in August last year and she was unwell pretty much until end of November then we turned a corner and actually got through Christmas with no illness. Yes we have the snotty nose but that’s about it. I also started giving her the wellbaby vitamin and maybe it was a coincidence but since then she’s also not been unwell. If you can persevere I would but I’ve also heard great things about childminders too.
Sending a hand hold because it is rough, we had 2 hospital admissions and every awful illness you could think of but it did get so much better.

My grandson who was born very premature 26 weeks, when he first started nursery at 18 months, was never there and sometimes hospitalised for the first 6 months.

He stabilised and his immune system built, he doesn't come down with every illness going now.

It was necessary to put him in nursery because his Mummy had died.

I would give it another couple months, it should get better. If not you could consider a nanny, childminder or even a smaller nursery. But you were always going to go through this at some point.

This is the huge secret nobody tells you about having small children. From October - April you are almost always sick. In my experience, stopping nursery only slightly helped. There are sick toddlers everywhere you go. I once had a mini lockdown just for a break from illness. We went nowhere for a fortnight. It was marvellous.

But he’s only in nursery 3 days a week already?

When DD first started nursery we were the same but she went 5 days a week. I did have to cut my work days down to 3 per week. We were okay after that.

So I think maybe just give it a bit longer and see how you go.

Just to say I have also read research that completely undermines the idea that children being ill constantly is in any way helpful to their immune system.

They did go - they both went around 3. They benefitted at that age from socialising with other kids, learning how to follow instructions - it was a great preparation for school.

Before 3 they had a nanny who took them to baby groups most days. They got plenty of time to interact with other kids but had 1-1 attention in their own homes from the same person who they were very close to.

All of the academic research confirms there are no benefits at all of nursery before about 2.5-3 (which is not to say it’s damaging, just that it’s not beneficial/there are no advantages for the kids), so you don’t need to take my word for it. Have a look on Google.

This.

The first winter is grim but it really gets better and my now 5 year old never needs time off now. I also found when I had my second, he didn't get anywhere near as ill when he started nursery which I presumed was because his sister was at nursery and brought things home (which was much easier to deal with while on maternity!)

I'd stick it out, I wouldn't risk a potentially great career for a temporary issue

All 3 of you have to live in the world as it is, not as you would like it to be.

The world contains germs and building up a healthy immune system does involve getting bugs and developing an immune response to them. If you pull her out of nursery she will miss school instead in a few years.

Giving up work would affect your earning power for the rest of your life, not just for a few years. It's a silly thing to do for this particular reason. It can be a sensible decision in yhe right circumstances which this is not.

To be honest OP don’t quit but look into a career break and see if that might help you manage this period with your mum.

Otherwise I’d get a nanny if possible.

Was going to suggest exactly this. We rarely had an issue with illness with.a CM. May be worth a try before giving up work completely

One other thing to consider if you go from 1 to 2 children is having a plan for if one is ill but the other isn’t. It’s become a running joke that mine are never ill at the same time (which would be far more convenient!🤦🏻‍♀️😂).

I underestimated the difficulties this would cause me. I just assumed oh I’m a SAHM, I do all the school runs…it has been tough on occasion! For example when my 3 year old was extremely ill with shingles & needed to isolate at home, I still needed to get my well son to school. My husband is a teacher, zero WFH, only able to do 1 school run on his PPA morning. Mum works part-time, so did some. 2 other Mums on the school run stepped in to collect and drop of my son. I have needed to work really hard at building relationships with other parents so we can support each other with school runs. I genuinely hadn’t thought this through/anticipated this. I am sharing this as wish I’d spoken to Mums with multiple children to have plans in place more quickly.

Another time I’d already dropped my son off at Nursery, then my baby daughter started repeatedly vomiting all over us both at home. It was pure luck my Mum was off that day to collect my son, I guess if not I’d have had to hover outside the gate, get another parent to grab my son and hope my daughter didn’t vomit all over the pram (it was that bad)! I felt alone and unprepared for these scenarios (and desperate for a shower TBH!)

I also now have a retired neighbour on standby. She is so kind and will either pop in to wait with my daughter so I can collect my son, or pop and collect my son in an emergency (say for example my daughter’s hospital appointment was to overrun).

I genuinely believe the more children you have, the more of a wider support network you need, and want to share solutions I’ve found to help others 🙏🏻

It might ease up soon as we head into spring.
I had some of the worst viruses in my life when my son started nursery, tonsillitis twice, hand foot and mouth, laryngitis twice 😏 I was wiped out for literally 2 months. It does get better though, you might be through the worst

Don’t quit. If you’re otherwise happy with the setting then I’d stick it out until July-time and see how the land lies then. The first couple of months are hard, but combine them with the normal winter bugs (agree this year has seemed particularly bad even amongst adults) and it’s a shit show. That being said DD started nursery FT in July 2021 and the first few months it was just one thing after another. I remember my normally gung ho husband getting very emotional one day when she came down with yet another virus, saying the kid just couldn’t seem to catch a break. During a A&E visit due to a lovely case of V&D a month after she started i was told by a paediatric consultant that this is standard but DD would be “bombproof” (ironic as it was the RVH Belfast) by the time she got to Preschool, and tbh she was right. Once we got to around Christmas, despite it being cold and flu season, she was rarely sick except for the occasional cold. DD had one sick day during her preprep year and none so far in P1. DS started nursery at 12mos last April and it’s been a completely different story, he’s been fine and we’ve only had to collect him one day after he vomitted on himself- perked up and returned as normal the next morning. Perhaps his immune system was already more robust with his germy sister bringing things home!

Re a nanny, my thoughts on this would v much depend on when you plan on no.2 and if you could afford to keep them on during your leave. I wouldn’t want to get him settled with a new carer, get pregnant and go on ML and then have to knock the nanny on the head and disrupt him again. At least if he’s in a nursery you could drop another day whilst you’re on ML but keep the place and maintain that stability for him.

Totally get it OP. As others have said rhe first year is brutal. I used to feel like I had three illnesses in my body waiting to get out once I was done my current illness.

So for the nanny thing - if it is of interest to you (and more affordable if you have a second) then something like Nanny Tax is really useful. You pay a small fee and they sort payslips and calculate things along with paying the tax on employment. Once it’s set up there is practically no admin at all. Good luck.

We were the same when our youngest started nursery. The first winter not a single week went by where he wasn’t well. Second winter and he’s been a lot better. Maybe only had 2 instances of being off unwell. Stick it out it does get better.

I would push through and keep your job. The winter months are nearly over and your child's immune system is getting stronger. We all go through this in the first year of nursery but things get better.

What are you doing to help yourselves? It just isn't healthy or a sign of being in good health to be ill like this. Probiotics, good quality vitamin d supplements on top of a good diet. DD was ill twice the whole time she was at nursery and one of those was chicken pox

So you have no experience of having a younger child in nursery then.

Bugger the academic research. It's impossible to control for all relevant variables in an area like this so the research is basically useless.

I wish I could have put my eldest in nursery much sooner, it would have done him the world of good.