To be so worried after ds's first parents' evening and want to move schools?

[Nant90]

I need to get some perspective and advice following ds's first parents' evening last week. I'm sorry it's long and thank you to anyone who does get to the end.

He is in reception and, if relevant, his birthday is coming up so around middle in terms of age. He didn't go to preschool as I was on maternity leave and then dh is sahd. He had been in nursery one day a week to give dh and then me a break and loved it. Then when he went up to the preschool room he just didn't seem happy. He and didn't ever seem to be playing with anyone when we picked him up so we took him out. Now I wonder if that was a huge mistake. He was not in any educational setting for the 6 months leading up to starting school.

This may make me sound like an arse, but I do believe ds is very bright. He is so articulate and never stops talking at home. Friends (with dc of similar ages) and relatives are always commenting on his vocabulary and ability to hold a conversation. Being read to is his favourite thing and he is forever asking questions I don't know the answer to, so we look them up. I'm not saying he's advanced - I wouldn't really know, but neither do I think he is behind. He can count up to 100 ish and recognises numbers in puzzles etc. My friend teaches his age group and was impressed at him playing I Spy last year as he was blending sounds. He also enjoys documentaries like Walking with Dinosaurs and Planet Earth and talks about what he's seen afterwards. Loves museums and concentrates well and discusses the content. Plays well with friends' children - mainly three children we've known all his life, but does hook up with other kids in playgrounds etc and seems to play well with them too, give or take the odd issue, but nothing that marks him out from other kids I know.

I considered teaching him to read before starting school but he showed no interest whatsoever. He got frustrated and kept saying, 'Just read me the book,' so I thought it was best not to push it and leave it to the experts. As I said, he loves books and adores being read to. He also has no interest in writing but, again, I didn't see the point in pushing it. He's now making slow but steady progress with Biff and Chip after a very shaky start - he's found the whole process frustrating but I did think he was getting there more recently and it does seem to be clicking.

Now we've had the first real parents' evening and I feel so deflated. The focus was on what he can't do and I was shown other children's' art work with their names neatly written on to really make the point clear. I was asked whether we have pencils and paper at home, ffs. They are all ahead of him, apparently. I asked how he is doing socially and the teacher asked ds who he plays with, which was pointless as I ask him that myself all the time - I wanted her opinion. When he gave her a name she said, 'Ah, yes, the other silent one.' I wanted to cry. She then asked whether we talk to him or have the TV up loud all the time - I have done nothing but talk to him ever since he was born and he never stops talking! He only started watching TV when his brother was born and it's limited. Dh and I never watch TV until dc are in bed. She just seemed to be judging us but nothing she said rang true anyway!

It seems he is not thriving there at all and is not showing anything he can do and definitely not learning anything new. To make it worse, the school is in a deprived area and outcomes are below average, yet he is worse than all the other children?! I feel this is worrying for his future and just want to move him.

Dh, who normally thinks I worry over nothing, wants to ask for a meeting with the other teacher when they go back next week (it's a 3-2 job share and we saw the one who does 2 days) and go from there. I just want to move him.

Any thoughts would be great - I just feel we're letting him down in leaving him there.

This sounds like my daughter. She's very confident at home but very shy and non speaking at times when in primary school. She is now waiting to be assessed for high functioning autism. Some kids don't thrive until they're comfortable. Give your little one time to settle in and if they don't feel better in 6 months, then look at moving classes etc.

They’re all different and comparison is the thief of joy. Let him develop his skills at his own pace and don’t worry about him not writing his name at age 4 or 5!

I think you should get this copied out and framed OP! If you had no concerns about how he was getting on at school before this meeting, and he has no issues about going, I wouldn't worry. Definitely speak to the job share though. When DS was in P2 two different teachers said some things that were polar opposites with the space of a couple of weeks.

Trust your instincts and move him. I wish I’d moved my eldest son earlier. If he’s chosen to sit with another quiet child chances are he is feeling overwhelmed and the personas of the other children are just too much for him. I know it’s hard these days but try to find him a school with a smaller class and do it now whilst these young friendships can still be forged

FFS, Ritzybitzy!

In answer to, 'how was she supposed to say it?'

Well not, 'look at these other children's wonderfully impressive work! It's such a pity that your child is not up to this desirable standard!'

OP, I don't think you've said if this work was on the walls around the classroom or she had a selection of books on the table which she opened some other children's to show you.

She didn’t say that. The OP didn’t say she said that.

The only thing that sounds below average is his writing. I'd get him colouring books and colouring pencils and kids magazines of his choice and encourage using pencils and/crayons. I also him to speak out everyday at school to get used to doing it.

As an ex primary teacher who spent several years as a reception teacher, your son sounds great to me. He perhaps does not thrive in a school setting as well as he does at home. I would ask the opinion of the other teacher and express your surprise at the difference between home and school outcomes. I don’t think attending preschool and nursery are the be all and end all if the home environment is conducive to learning and curiosity and there are opportunities to explore books, number etc. I’m sure he got more attention than he did at school. What he perhaps didn’t get was the experience of dealing with a set of expectations and rules and being part of a large group of children. This may make him ‘quiet’. He may feel unsure of himself or find it hard to form friendships if his classmates already know each other from pre school.
I hate the way so much emphasis is placed on academic progress at such a young age and let’s face it, for someone used to real books, Biff and Chip must seem like a pointless exercise to him. However , sadly, this is the way education has gone. The child must fit into the fairly narrow expectations of school achievement. No one is looking at what he can do, just what he either can’t do, isn’t interested in or perhaps ready for.
I am not sure moving him will help. Before considering it, speak to the other teacher, the department head or headteacher and tell them what you have told us. They may see him in a different light or if they really have concerns, offer him and you , support. If you do decide that you don’t have confidence in the school, visit any alternatives to get a feel for them before you make your decision. Moving him around constantly will make the school experience harder for him.
Are you in the position where you could volunteer a few hours to help in his class so you can see for yourself ? ( you probably would need a routine police check) .
I always had some positive comments up my sleeve to balance out any concerns I had to voice. It sounds as though all you got were the perceived negatives. Time is short in parent interviews. They are hard work for teachers . I am trying to give his teacher the benefit of the doubt but it seems to me it wasn’t well handled. Questions about the TV and access to pens etc come across as quite insulting to me. Far better to ask if he has opportunities to write and draw, ask what his out of school interests are etc. You can get a much better picture of the child that way.
Anyway don’t be deflated. You know your child. Make sure the school does too and work together for his best outcomes. Good luck!

Not in so many words, obviously!

I'd agree with that. Though DS wasn't keen on drawing or colouring, but really enjoyed dot to dot books. So those and other types of puzzle books could well appeal to your DS.

Ok, I thought she'd done that and showed the other pupils work as an example of standard of where her child should be. My brain didn't process what she said properly

Hiya, there is no high functioning with neurodiversity. It's not really something you that you can control with a dimmer switch type thing. You can be high functioning with depression as I was able to get up and go to work but it was extremely visible that I wasn't myself and was unwell.
High functioning masking is more like it, which is like control only she will need to regulate because the overwhelm/overstim can get a lot.

Good luck on her journey 🫶🏼

I've no idea what you mean.
I was asking a simple question.
No knives thank you.

Dd1 was very chatty sociable and I thought she was bright she was and I thought she was reading in reception and we got up to level 4 and start of year 1 to realise she couldn’t read a word. Reception teacher thought something not right but couldn’t put finger on it. We realised that she read the books from the pictures or got me to read whole book first then recalled it all from picture use word by word. Couldn’t recognise the word we or and at all. Got to level 4 before anyone noticed. So clever in a way but totally dyslexic and later diagnosed with earlins. She now teaches year one but needed a lot of support to get qualified,
It hard to pick up when little.
the school may be stretched defo meet the other teacher and ask for help. It will take a bit of getting used as missed pre school but it doesn’t matter really. You have clearly put time and love into your child. Sweden doesn’t start education to 7 years. I’m sure your child will be the best they can be with yours and your husband support

Don't they do alien words at your school for them to decode? That's part of the phonics screen at DDs school m

Words like Spad, Prez, bort etc?

Shocked at how many absolute wankers there are on this thread. Picking everyone's replies apart like vultures! The OP is doing her best and is seeing 2 different sides of her child. Why are people attacking her for raising genuine concerns? I don't get it.

To the OP, for what it's worth, I don't think your child is behind. As with all children in early years, he sounds like he has some great strengths, and some things to improve on. Having had 4 children go through this stage, reading and writing can take the full reception year to really start seeing it come together. I think the teacher has made some mistakes by presenting your child as behind, and also by the strange comments comparing to other children and negatively calling him 'silent'. I wouldn't have been happy with that parents evening either.

As a person who was always labelled quiet in school myself, who is now a mother to several children who have also been labelled as shy / quiet, there is nothing wrong with being quiet in school! Unlike your son's teacher, I would not rush to label a child 'silent' after the first few months of reception year FFS.

Your son's interest in certain subjects will put him in good stead in later years with topic learning. My quiet children would say nothing in class, then come home and talk to me for hours all about the topic they had been learning at school. As for the socialising side of things, it's my experience in early years that there will be an even split between the children who thrive with group play and are naturally gregarious, and children who tend towards individual play or in groups of 2 or 3. The school environment is a big change at first, perhaps he is processing and finding his feet. I wouldn't see it as cause to worry.

@WillimNot I really agree with what you said about children labelled as 'silent' and especially older teachers ignoring them. I've found very similar with one of my children who I've felt has never been understood by any of his teachers, one of whom even struggled to remember his name or recognise me as his mum even by the end of the school year. Feels like some of the teachers are very much phoning it in until retirement.

@Ritzybitzy you just come across as a nasty person with an agenda. You’re so desperate to prove you’re right. Despite OP stating that if her child is SEND she will handle that situation but so far his behaviour doesn’t indicate that. She knows him better than you and the people in his life, know him better than you. The teacher didn’t suggest he was SEN. But you just seem to want to prove that you are the fountain of knowledge on the subject so are picking at every point to twist it to seem that way. You have been belligerent and unhelpful on this thread. Stop claiming this is about her child when all your posts are making this about you so desperate to prove you’re right

I agree with this, one of my kids was quite a loud character and one of her teachers made comments about how she loves the loud characters and basically doesn't warm to or like the quiet ones and that they're "boring" , not knowing that my other daughter is very quiet and would be coming in to her class in a couple of years, I remembered what she'd said and I definitely noticed she was much colder towards my second daughter.

👏👏

I would definitely not move your child. It sounds like a good school and that they are trying to get to the bottom of why your son is taking longer than some of his peers to develop skills in reading and writing. I know it must hurt to hear all that you heard at parents evening, but I genuinely believe they are on your and your son's side. I am not sure you will want to hear this either, but it could be that your son has some SEN and it maybe worth asking for a meeting with the SENCo (Special Educational Needs Coordinator), as well as meeting the other teacher, to get their take on what is going on. I only suggest this because my own daughter, despite being very bright lagged behind in English for years and had horribly presented work in all of her books. Roll on to year 4 and it suddenly clicked for me that she could be dyslexic; got her tested, got a diagnosis and now the school is making adjustments for her and she is much happier! Just wish I had realised earlier...

Oh we had one like that at secondary. Used to mix him up with another quiet lad.

Then, someone accused the other boy of smashing a pot in her art lesson.

She immediately went apeshit at DS who got incredibly frightened by her shouting at him to the point he couldn't speak. She took this as further suggestion that he was rude and being ignorant. In fact, he wasn't able to even say "my name isn't x" he just went mute.

He was told to leave the class and wait for SLT.
SLT turns up expecting one pupil and finds DS instead who is having a full on panic attack and shaking uncontrollably. They went into class and asked why is (DS) outside when we expected x.

Even then she didn't apologise but told him off for being ignorant and said he should've said he was DS not x. She even gave him bad behaviour demerits. Utter cow.

What made it worse was she was DDs form tutor at the time.

Yes I made a complaint. I was livid. He was so embarrassed and said he thought he was going to wet himself and couldn't speak as he was so frightened.

Your poor child.

I’m an ex teacher who taught for 7 years until I set up my business. The teacher sounds awful and it doesn’t sound like she’s supporting your child. I would definitely speak to the other teacher. I agree with others who say don’t rush to move him. That’s a last resort. One thing that stood out for me is how it reminded me of my daughter who is dyslexic. Very bright but very quiet as a child. Struggled with reading and writing until we got her privately diagnosed and private tuition from a specialist teacher. We had a nightmare with schools, VI form college and even university. Ended up suing Keele university for their treatment of her. We won and got her compensation as it was a disgrace what they did. She ended up getting a PhD in maths at a different university and is now a maths teacher. Not saying your son is dyslexic. Nobody would know without a professional assessment but it’s worth considering as a possibility because their assessment of him at school and what you and your friend witness are so different

Try not to worry op. I haven't read the full thread sorry if I'm repeating what others have said but I honestly would try to take this with a pinch of salt. Just practice areas the teachers say he reds more support with and make it fun, such as through games. There have been times when my dc have been ahead and times when they are behind their peers and times when they are average. All children have one thing or another they take longer to grasp. All children develop different skills at different times too.
For example I have one dc who was reading at secondary school level in year 1, but hopeless socially and behind with spelling (strange for such a good reader) and behind in physical development. I have another dc who is behind her peers in reading at the moment, despite us reading with her every day and her being given the same opportunities as older dc. However, she's advanced socially and physically. I'm not worried at all.
Your son is 4, he's still so tiny and he has years to catch up. The expectations of little tiny 4 year olds is ridiculous sometimes. As long as he's happy then that's all that matters at this point.
I don't blame you for feeling how you do after the parent's meeting. It's really difficult to hear anything negative about your child and it's hard not to worry and compare. I do think the teacher could have worded it better but they are human.

Also for what it's worth both my dc were described as quiet and disappearing into the background. At parents evening we are told they thought younger dc had lost her voice for weeks and more confident children would speak over and for her. Mr and dh looked at each other flabbergasted, at home they never stop talking and singing and are always the loudest in any room. They are just rule followers and more reserved at school and prefer to listen and take a back seat. It's just their personality. I'm the same so they get it from me I'm sure. I loud and chatty with family but I can be quite silent and shy at work and in social situations. Some people are introverts and that's ok.