To be so worried after ds's first parents' evening and want to move schools?

[Nant90]

I need to get some perspective and advice following ds's first parents' evening last week. I'm sorry it's long and thank you to anyone who does get to the end.

He is in reception and, if relevant, his birthday is coming up so around middle in terms of age. He didn't go to preschool as I was on maternity leave and then dh is sahd. He had been in nursery one day a week to give dh and then me a break and loved it. Then when he went up to the preschool room he just didn't seem happy. He and didn't ever seem to be playing with anyone when we picked him up so we took him out. Now I wonder if that was a huge mistake. He was not in any educational setting for the 6 months leading up to starting school.

This may make me sound like an arse, but I do believe ds is very bright. He is so articulate and never stops talking at home. Friends (with dc of similar ages) and relatives are always commenting on his vocabulary and ability to hold a conversation. Being read to is his favourite thing and he is forever asking questions I don't know the answer to, so we look them up. I'm not saying he's advanced - I wouldn't really know, but neither do I think he is behind. He can count up to 100 ish and recognises numbers in puzzles etc. My friend teaches his age group and was impressed at him playing I Spy last year as he was blending sounds. He also enjoys documentaries like Walking with Dinosaurs and Planet Earth and talks about what he's seen afterwards. Loves museums and concentrates well and discusses the content. Plays well with friends' children - mainly three children we've known all his life, but does hook up with other kids in playgrounds etc and seems to play well with them too, give or take the odd issue, but nothing that marks him out from other kids I know.

I considered teaching him to read before starting school but he showed no interest whatsoever. He got frustrated and kept saying, 'Just read me the book,' so I thought it was best not to push it and leave it to the experts. As I said, he loves books and adores being read to. He also has no interest in writing but, again, I didn't see the point in pushing it. He's now making slow but steady progress with Biff and Chip after a very shaky start - he's found the whole process frustrating but I did think he was getting there more recently and it does seem to be clicking.

Now we've had the first real parents' evening and I feel so deflated. The focus was on what he can't do and I was shown other children's' art work with their names neatly written on to really make the point clear. I was asked whether we have pencils and paper at home, ffs. They are all ahead of him, apparently. I asked how he is doing socially and the teacher asked ds who he plays with, which was pointless as I ask him that myself all the time - I wanted her opinion. When he gave her a name she said, 'Ah, yes, the other silent one.' I wanted to cry. She then asked whether we talk to him or have the TV up loud all the time - I have done nothing but talk to him ever since he was born and he never stops talking! He only started watching TV when his brother was born and it's limited. Dh and I never watch TV until dc are in bed. She just seemed to be judging us but nothing she said rang true anyway!

It seems he is not thriving there at all and is not showing anything he can do and definitely not learning anything new. To make it worse, the school is in a deprived area and outcomes are below average, yet he is worse than all the other children?! I feel this is worrying for his future and just want to move him.

Dh, who normally thinks I worry over nothing, wants to ask for a meeting with the other teacher when they go back next week (it's a 3-2 job share and we saw the one who does 2 days) and go from there. I just want to move him.

Any thoughts would be great - I just feel we're letting him down in leaving him there.

I can't believe all the replies here with so many helpful, constructive and supportive comments. There are too many for me to thank people in words but I have tried to use the 'thanks ' button for those who have been particularly kind, which is most! I'm happy for people to disagree with my approach but I'm glad most people recognise that I'm just a mother who loves her son and wants the best for him and is looking for some advice on how to achieve that. I've got that in spades here, so thank you all so much. I'll update once we've met the other teacher, which I hope might be this week but she only works Monday- Wednesdays so I completely understand that it may not be possible this week.

And just as I was getting all emotional about all the support along comes Ritzy to stick the knife in again. Not a very professional way to refer to a parent from the great SEND guru but never mind, hopefully with parents irl you're able to set aside your urge to judge and can show some empathy. Most others here have been fab, including those who disagree with some elements of my parenting approach.

I didn't go to preschool. Started school at age 6 having been abroad. By 6 months later I was top of the class in reading and have remained a high achiever. Anecdotal evidence but I really don't think you need to worry. The benefits of preschool are really for children whose parents don't give them learning opportunities in or out of the home. You were doing all that anyway. It may help a bit with immediate settling in and routines but that will be very short lived.

I wouldn't be concerned about the reading and writing, he's very young and a boy and it's normal for this to vary . I'd be more worried about the quiet comments and the teacher being so unprofessional. But maybe she's just a poor communicator. I wouldn't jump to any conclusions as long as your son enjoys school. Do you go to whole class parties and see what he's like with other children?

I was a bit taken back at parents evening in October for my year one child when the first thing the teacher said was my child was spelling too phonetically. I know from reception that he is doing fine with academic work, loves school and has friends, also really likes this teacher and seems to be learning a lot. So I wasn't concerned but I did think the communication left a bit to be desired as a just turned 5 year old who is writing independently and spelling the way they have been taught is not really something to be worried about. They are not at the stage of practising spellings yet. Some teachers just aren't great at communicating

OP , try not to be upset by Ritzys words
I’ve read her posts before on different threads , she’s never nice or helpful …

Do more at home to help with his gaps from no pre school. Sand play, playdough, water pouring, cutting bread , spreading butter will all help with handwriting. Buy the books with dots to help with pencil control. Jigsaws for maths . Invite other children for tea and playdates.

I did not refer to you as anything. And have not done for the duration of this thread.

You had absolutely no interest in my view or what I had to offer from the get go, if you were a parent at the school where I work I would never be near you because your child doesn’t have SEND remember.

Explain the specific challenges, try to discuss with parents any possible reasons, suggest ways to support at home and explain how they will support in school

Excuse me?! That is patently not true. In fact it’s an outright lie.

We unfortunately had similar with our DS for many years until he clicked with his year 6 teacher. At home he was engaging, funny, very good at counting by 5, matching numbers and doing basic maths by 6. Reading at 4 and a half but liked to be read to. Could hold a good conversation earlier than his peers with adults he trusted outside of school.
School pigeonholed him as "subdued" and "shy" for quite some time. Pretty much ignored him for kids that showed off and liked to show these kids off to look good, or went into saviour mode for the disruptive kids. Meanwhile our DS was seen as not bright, and given picture books and basic tasks.

In essence he was bored and we knew it. Yet the school never did until the year 6 teacher. All it took was her playing a song at lunchtime when he had come indoors to get his coat and he knew the song and spoke to her about it and others he liked. He's always liked old music and still does. She told me how bright he was and that usually he didn't really talk much. In her view because he was well behaved but quiet he had been overlooked. He excelled in his SATs

Sadly when he moved to secondary school for a while the same happened, until online learning in the second half of year 7. Then I was told again "oh he's quite clever isn't he?"

It's worth mentioning that DS is autistic. But because he doesn't have meltdowns or fit the profile schools expect from those on the spectrum they didn't know what to do about him and he was placed in lower attainment groups and got bored. It never made sense to me but there was always an excuse.

We moved home when he was at the end of year 10 and he had had enough. The school had said he would be "lucky" to get passes at GCSE and tried to discourage him from certain subjects. Then they started the same thing when discussing A level. He begged us to move him to our new areas school where DD had started 6th form.

He utterly thrived. The new school were angry when they met and tested his abilities that the old school has pretty much sidelined him. When he joined one class they had been using a different text book, he learned it and caught up in a fortnight. He got 7s and 8s in every exam. He now takes 4 A'levels all of them pretty hard subjects

You have to fight for him. To refer to him and another child as "the silent ones" is disgusting. Its on them to work out why. It's clearly because they don't engage him. Sadly some teachers now, I find especially older ones, won't bother with kids who they can ignore. Whilst I get that teaching can be difficult as a job now, some take it out on the children.

Whilst I sympathise they have to deal with different cultures, languages, governments, lack of funding, and then children on the spectrum who really need better settings then mainstream school, it's becoming detrimental to children like ours who don't stand out and don't find the lessons worthwhile or engaging. I would argue your ds is like mine and bored, they don't inspire him to join in. I also find teachers who should really retire or who are sick of their job often move to blame parents who suggest actually at home they are doing this and this, such as the "TV up loud" comment. They don't want to take responsibility for their crap teaching and ignorance. I don't think it helps your at a school in an area where outcomes aren't good because that allows the ignorant teacher to assume you're chavs watching reality TV whilst your DS is ignored and sat in front of a games console.

I would try and speak to the other teacher but I doubt it will go anywhere. I would move him.

You have been absolutely relentless on this thread, you’ve made your point repeatedly and I don’t think there’s much to be gained by endlessly repeating it, especially when the OP has indicated your tone isn’t helpful for her.

And if you feel I’ve been relentless on this thread that’s your opinion but is vastly different from stating that I am never nice or helpful. Which is a complete lie.

I think when it’s your first child, it can be hard, because you don’t know what level he should be at etc. your description of your son sounds a little like my own. We didn’t have any cousins to compare his progress to so didn’t realise he was behind in some areas.

We binned his first report card it was so terribly bad, I have them all but this one. When he moved to the next year, the principal suggested a test for him and his IQ was extremely high, way above average, he got an autism diagnosis. Once the school realised this, their approach to him changed and he was like a different child, he thrived. He’s now almost 16 and doing very well. They had just labelled him as a bold child.
I don’t know if this is any help to you but I just thought would share that with you. Don’t lose hope it’ll sort itself out

Well, that’s also someone’s opinion. No idea what you’re like on other threads but I don’t think you’ve been supportive on this one at all. Anyway - no point going on but it can be really upsetting when you’re already low and seeking advice to have someone with an agenda.

My daughter sounds like she was very much like your son at that age. Very bright, conversationalist, using complex words, could sit for hours unattended doing crafts, puzzles, jigsaws. We also thought she was very advanced for her age back then, which she was in things other kids weren't.
Roll on reception at school and it was a constant battle with the school to get her to read. It just wouldn't click. Teacher said she was very far behind and wouldn't catch up. I refused to believe that would happen and told the teacher I would continue to read 'to her' at home but that I wouldn't push the reading and writing with her.
Roll on to Year 3 and she was suddenly the best reader in the class. Not only able to read complex words but through intonation and understanding of the text too. At the age of 7 she had the reading age of 13.
Don't move him, this will just unsettled him. It will click. He may be more wired towards practicals, Maths, absorbing information like History. He is still very young but at some point things will click.
Children click with different things at different ages. I really wouldn't worry at all.

I can assure you to say I am never helpful is a complete lie.

I found this thread to be highly irritating. Your child is so young, like so so young. The 'gap' will almost certainly close, I say that as a mother to four. If it doesn't, deal with it when you come to it, but you don't need to fret to the extent that some of these posters are making out now and in my opinion you don't need to try and make up loads of time for where he 'missed out' on preschool.
Your boy will certainly have a beautiful parent attachment bond, which will carry him well for his future, there are many evidenced books on child psychology and mental health to show this.
Instead there is a thread where for some reason some people are obsessed with how 5 year olds 'work' compare. They should be learning through play mostly at this age, through curiosity and conversation.
The constant obsession on Mumsnet with every child having Sen is also frustrating, maybe he does.. but that will become evident to his mother in the years to come. What is written here is absolutely nowhere near enough for anyone to come to that conclusion and is laughable that anyone thinks that. He is almost still a baby. Leave the poor kid alone. 🙄🙄

So glad I home educate my children and they aren't constantly compared to others.

You sound like a parent in denial tbh. The more and more you post the more is seems that way. Constantly pulling out of and changing edicationa settings raises safeguarding red flags btw. Schools record share, you can’t run away from these issues.

Honestly try to filter out the noise and take note of the helpful comments. Definitely talk to the other teacher too. Sometimes in the hussle of the classroom the teacher just won't 'get' your child or have seen them doing enough to form a rounded opinion. My kids are well past primary and almost school but one teacher taught all my kids and definitely did not like one of them ( they almost said as much). My kids are all varying degrees of well behaved and reasonably smart but the quiet one who had a stammer and wasn't a smiley child (lovely and thoughtful in their own way mind) was criticised a lot. I was relieved when the year was over and they had a great teacher the next year who really went that extra mile with them to restore their confidence.

I agree with WillimNot with regard to moving your son , if you find that meeting with other teacher doesn’t go well …
You know I was thinking aswel , sure that other teacher , who let’s be fair doesn’t sound great with her awful negativity , she’ll still be teaching your son too …
She shouldn’t be in the picture at all , but she will be , no matter how well meeting might go with other teacher 🤷🏻‍♀️

Just to add, my youngest is now 7, he was in school at 5 but is now home educated. He was sloooooooooooooow to pick up reading, but now at 7 his reading is phenomenal, I don't know his reading 'age', but he does read whole chapter books by himself for fun, and reads every night before bed to himself as part of his bedtime routine. I have hundreds of examples like this where my kids have taken longer with things, but then suddenly it's clicked, so I've learned to trust the process.
❤️

Don't be ridiculous this is not one of those cases and I know the cases you refer too!

That was a cruel thing to say.

Haha - after reading Ritzy's comeback to this I can see what you mean about twisting the knife. Talk about having a McCain's factory on her shoulder.

Anyway, the answer is by being professional, stating the facts and not going straight in with 'look at what everyone else can do'!

'Your DS is unable to write their name well and has a weak tripod grip, which puts them a little behind where we would expect at this stage. Don't worry though, we are working with him to help him reach his full potential, and you might want to try these activities at home.'

Is it so hard? Good grief; as a teacher reading your description of the parents' evening, I was gobsmacked.

I get where you're coming from OP; I'm sorry you've angered a few posters. I know many PP kids who are bright and who do well, but I also know that often it is PP children who are the most likely to be behind in their year. Not failures but failed by circumstances. I know you aren't making a sweeping statement but looking at the latter trend.

I wondered a tiny bit if your DS showed some traits of dyslexia or ASC. My DN is a bit like this - wasn't diagnosed with ASC but definitely shows some traits, and when he was struggling at school and they assessed him, scored in the 99th centile for tests of general cognition/ intelligence (such as vocab), but low in traditional 'school-shaped' tests for ability. My DSis was told he would likely 'grow in' to these. He's mellowed as he's got older and done OK.

I think your DS is not responding well to this teacher (unsurprisingly) and that a change of face/ attitude in his teacher next year could bring out the boy you see at home. Very few people will strive to change if they think they've been given up on.

I was in the same position as you in my first parent meeting for my son in reception - like you - he didn’t attend the school based nursery but a private nursery as it meant I could work fewer days and be with him more. I felt like I had let my son down as he was so far behind on the EYFS curriculum - he was a summer born boy. He was thriving by Easter y1 and flying by y2. So ignore the hate - keep doing what you are doing -

@Nant90 he is in his first year of school. So he is at the very beginning of his learning to read and write I wouldn't worry, but I would get more feedback from his job share teacher. He sounds like he is a bright child and does lots of learning at home and seems interested to learn lots of different things.

If it helps, my DS is also quiet, he hated nursery / preschool. I would say I think he may have done better at home with me taking him to little
clubs etc. he certainly did not like all the noise and faff of preschool. He started to flourish as the years went on in Primary where structure came more into focus. Each year, the more the structure and calm the better he got.

i know it’s hard, but as they say “they’ll find their own tribe”