To be so worried after ds's first parents' evening and want to move schools?

[Nant90]

I need to get some perspective and advice following ds's first parents' evening last week. I'm sorry it's long and thank you to anyone who does get to the end.

He is in reception and, if relevant, his birthday is coming up so around middle in terms of age. He didn't go to preschool as I was on maternity leave and then dh is sahd. He had been in nursery one day a week to give dh and then me a break and loved it. Then when he went up to the preschool room he just didn't seem happy. He and didn't ever seem to be playing with anyone when we picked him up so we took him out. Now I wonder if that was a huge mistake. He was not in any educational setting for the 6 months leading up to starting school.

This may make me sound like an arse, but I do believe ds is very bright. He is so articulate and never stops talking at home. Friends (with dc of similar ages) and relatives are always commenting on his vocabulary and ability to hold a conversation. Being read to is his favourite thing and he is forever asking questions I don't know the answer to, so we look them up. I'm not saying he's advanced - I wouldn't really know, but neither do I think he is behind. He can count up to 100 ish and recognises numbers in puzzles etc. My friend teaches his age group and was impressed at him playing I Spy last year as he was blending sounds. He also enjoys documentaries like Walking with Dinosaurs and Planet Earth and talks about what he's seen afterwards. Loves museums and concentrates well and discusses the content. Plays well with friends' children - mainly three children we've known all his life, but does hook up with other kids in playgrounds etc and seems to play well with them too, give or take the odd issue, but nothing that marks him out from other kids I know.

I considered teaching him to read before starting school but he showed no interest whatsoever. He got frustrated and kept saying, 'Just read me the book,' so I thought it was best not to push it and leave it to the experts. As I said, he loves books and adores being read to. He also has no interest in writing but, again, I didn't see the point in pushing it. He's now making slow but steady progress with Biff and Chip after a very shaky start - he's found the whole process frustrating but I did think he was getting there more recently and it does seem to be clicking.

Now we've had the first real parents' evening and I feel so deflated. The focus was on what he can't do and I was shown other children's' art work with their names neatly written on to really make the point clear. I was asked whether we have pencils and paper at home, ffs. They are all ahead of him, apparently. I asked how he is doing socially and the teacher asked ds who he plays with, which was pointless as I ask him that myself all the time - I wanted her opinion. When he gave her a name she said, 'Ah, yes, the other silent one.' I wanted to cry. She then asked whether we talk to him or have the TV up loud all the time - I have done nothing but talk to him ever since he was born and he never stops talking! He only started watching TV when his brother was born and it's limited. Dh and I never watch TV until dc are in bed. She just seemed to be judging us but nothing she said rang true anyway!

It seems he is not thriving there at all and is not showing anything he can do and definitely not learning anything new. To make it worse, the school is in a deprived area and outcomes are below average, yet he is worse than all the other children?! I feel this is worrying for his future and just want to move him.

Dh, who normally thinks I worry over nothing, wants to ask for a meeting with the other teacher when they go back next week (it's a 3-2 job share and we saw the one who does 2 days) and go from there. I just want to move him.

Any thoughts would be great - I just feel we're letting him down in leaving him there.

I am a primary school teacher (Reception teacher mainly) and SENDCO and honestly, I get tired of teachers berating parents for not getting their kids 'school ready'. At the end of the day, you are not a teacher so why should you have taught your son to read or write to prepare him. Its a teachers JOB to teach reading and writing. If he is good at talking, this is actually the most important step (alongside good motor skills) to being a good writer in the future so this should not be discouraged. If I am being honest, he doesnt sound unintelligent in fact he sounds intelligent. If anything, he sounds like he is not academically disciplined due to the lack of preschool etc and he likes to avoid demands on his time. This is not a fault of yours or bad thing. This is easily rectified with time and repetition of structured activities.
Once the child starts school, it is the teachers responsibility to ensure they make adequate progress. Many children start lower than others or where they need to be and they quickly make progress in Year Reception. A parents job is to work in partnership in the school but this school do not sound like they are communicating well by blaming you and comparing your son to other children and showing the names of other children is not a good method. If I were you I would flip it on to them and say if my son is so behind, what have you put in place to support him to catch up. Once they tell you what they have put in place, then they can give you tips on how to help him improve at home. The way they handled this is wrong. I would meet the other teacher and get the read on things.

My eldest DS first parents evening left myself and DH feeling low and confused. Like your DS he was very articulate and chatty and bright. It was pointed out by the teacher that his writing was a struggle and he struggled with his fine motor skills ( we’d never noticed ) she said he was quite anxious about little things.
As he was our first child,we had nothing to compare him to.
He didn’t seem to be making friends easily either.
so I know how sad it can make you feel, when you think they’re doing well and the teacher tells you otherwise.
It took him a while to settle, but he did, he didn’t seem that bothered about other kids for ages though.
A few years later he was diagnosed with dyspraxia.
He now is a confident happy 15 year old, with great predicted GCSE grades and loads of lovely mates.
He’s popular and laid back and pretty ace.
I’d definitely get the opinion of the teacher that sees him 3 days a week and ask what they think you could do to help him at home.
It will be ok, don’t panic move him.

My grandchildren's school did a buddy scheme when my grandson wouldn't read in front of his class mates.
Older children listened while he read out loud. It worked wonders.
Also my granddaughter wouldn't socialise with other children in first year at school and now has many friends.
I wouldn't change schools at this stage, work with the school for a solution.
Good luck

OP teachers can often tell those that go to preschool from those that haven't because they are not used to routine, mixing with other kids or doing things for themselves. If none of those things are true of your child then you really don't need to worry. Not going to preschool really isn't the end of the world.

Personally I wouldn't want my kid at this school, you know it's deprived, you know outcomes aren't good plus it has two teachers, which IMO often is great for the teachers but really not ideal for reception age kids. It sounds like this teacher barely knows your child because she is only there 2 days, he's quiet and she has 28 children with big personalities (+ 'the other silent one') to deal with.

She should not be comparing your child to other children and showing you their work to demonstrate all the things he can't do, that is completely unprofessional. It just looks like she is blaming him for not being where she expects him. Her attitude completely sucks. And if all this criticism was given in front of him then that is doubly bad.

See how the meeting with the other teacher goes, it'll be interesting to see if the two of them communicate at all! But if she is anything like this teacher then I'd be starting to look at other schools asap. I don't think this is the right place for your child and I'd have mine out of there without a second thought (assuming there was somewhere better available).

I also wondered about this as a parent of a child with ASC.
OP, I would keep an eye on him, but I would also be grateful the school have flagged it up. My son started at an amazing primary school where they did flag up issues. But due to moving house he moved to another school, and they apparently saw nothing. He was finally diagnosed at 7. He's almost 13 now, and doing well.

Try not to worry, it’s all new to him and he will settle in and find his way. My son was a chatterbox at home but didn’t speak in school for over a year - he made up for it later in his schooling.

If you are happy with the school and it’s near to where you live I would give it time. Lots of reception children can’t write their own names yet. Developing his fine motor skills with playdough, crafts and games is far more important at this age.

Former reception class teacher here. You can definitely tell which children have been to preschool and which haven't. Reception class is part of Foundation stage and there is F1 (preschool) and F2 (reception) before Key stage 1 which is year 1 & 2. So your child has missed the F1 part of foundation stage. F1 is about learning through play but there are some distinct activities that differentiate it from nursery or playgroup. Such as finger play to develop fine motor skills as well as pre-writing activities, how to hold pencils and learning to write your name. There would also be group activities and routines like songs, rhymes and stories. There would be planned activities in order to develop and meet the learning goals. It can take time to catch up. You can also tell which are summer birthday children as they are often less mature and not as far ahead as autumn born children and you can see that throughout primary school, which is why year 6 SATs and 11+ tests are standardised to reflect this difference. CAT tests done in year 7 are also standardised. There is plenty of private tutoring that goes on to help children catch up and meet their learning goals.

Just to reassure you OP, my daughter missed out on a lot of ore school due to covid lockdowns. A lot of her year struggled more with school than might otherwise be expected, but a few years on are generally doing well

The thing with fiddling and farting around parents and not going to any type of school setting, gets them very dependent on the parent being around. The child doesn't learn to socialise properly, follow a routine or have any structure because alot of it was on their own terms. Going to as many playgroups as you want, with the parent still there and different kids all the type also doesn't really allow them to form bonds with other kids.
My SIL did this and only sent them when they had to start school, and my DN struggled so much. They were overwhelmed trying to settle in both socially and academically too. They did eventually settle in, but it took years and unnecessarily so.

when DD was at school I found some of the teachers were only interested if DD was making a target or not, nothing else about her at all. Unless you were the loud kid or the naughty kid they didn’t seem to have anything else to say about them.

Teacher should not be comparing your child to others, they’ve all had different experiences and they’re all young and developing at different rates still. 4 year olds can be so different. It doesn’t say how successful they will be.

DD has ASD and did struggle and was quiet in primary. I didn’t realise at the time though.

@Sunnyandaway you sound like someone who, 80 years ago, thought boarding school for 8 year olds was character-building.
Stop blaming OP who chose to spend extra months full time with her child. Nothing wrong with that, and she should not be blamed for the problems now encountered. The problem is a system that expects or even requires that children are separated for 6-8 hours a day from the parents at age 3 or 4, whether they are ready or not, and then fails to provide appropriate care and education for those who are developmentally at a different stage to the average. We all know that what little children really need is love and stability, not phonics training and institutionalised care that fails to account for natural variations in development.

I haven’t read all the replies but all I can say is there is plenty of time for your child to catch up, if indeed he needs to ‘catch up’.

My son did a total of about 5 months at preschool and then we had lockdown and he pretty much never got to return. He started reception having only turned 4 two weeks previously and really struggled.

He kept falling asleep a lot, crying to go home and definitely one of the lower ability ones in terms of reading and writing. It was a tough time.

However he’s now in year 3 and doing really well. Not behind at all.

I honestly feel that we start formal education at far too young an age and there really is no need to fret about a child being ‘behind’ when they’ve literally had about 5 months of school. Your time with him will have had a far more positive impact on him than starting school being able to read.

None of my children could read before they started school. They were read to and they loved books, but I certainly wasn’t spending my time home schooling them before they started formal education. What on earth for? They had plenty of time to learn.

You definitely need to give the school some more time and chat to other teacher

Your son sounds delightful and will catch up, with your support at home.
Don't move him! He is not quite where the other kids are because he didn't go to preschool and maybe anyway is a little quieter away from home.
He will catch up and possibly forge ahead once he finds his feet

Absolutely 100% agree. Playing at home with mum at age 3 or learning phonics with strangers? Hmmm, tough choice.

@Nant90 Firstly, ignore the bullies. They are here for one thing and that's to upset other people.

That aside, I have read some of this thread but not all so forgive me if I'm suggesting something already put forward. My son (18 now) was very similar when he started school and we had negativity from his first teacher which I found really upsetting. We got him to learn to read at home, using Bob Books. It looks like they are still available on Amazon. These worked brilliantly for him and his sister. He did refused to read anything other than graphic novels until the age of 8, but then got hooked on the Warriors chapter books about cat wars. He literally read all of them. He is going to university in Sept to read History at an RG university in the top 10 for that subject.

The one thing that your son needs, and which he is getting, which is most important in his development and academic success, is parental involvement. Like I say, he's getting this. He is going to be fine.

Having said all this, I would meet the next teacher and suss out how positive / negative they might be before he starts in their classroom.

Good luck.

I haven't read the whole thread but I have read the OP's posts.

I wonder if he has dyslexia. This might explain his reluctance to read and his silence at school because he feels overwhelmed by the reading. He is obviously articulate and loves stories and with a teacher as his mum, he's happy to engage in education.

I once knew a.very garrulous little boy who was obviously intelligent but he couldn't read to me. He said all the letters jumbled up and danced on the page and was later diagnosed with dyslexia.

Perhaps you can ask him to tell you if the letters are moving or are jumbled. MYbe a neutral question such as, tell me what the letters look like.

Best of luck with him x

My DD did not go to preschool. She did not fit in well in her Reception class but nor did any of the other children in it — it became known as one of the most challenging classes the school had experienced. She also has SEND. She did brilliantly in later years and is now studying law at Cambridge.

I genuinely do not believe it is possible to make a direct link between what happens in Primary and later outcomes. There are just too many variables involved. I know it is not possible to dispute views with an example of one but it’s the only example I can give.

PP you have raised legitimate concerns about how the teacher communicated to you: it is never, ever acceptable for a teacher to compare a child with other children, and particularly not in front of said child. As you already stated, had she actually mentioned SEND in relation to your child (and hopefully done so initially away from his hearing and not in a parents evening 5 min slot, so you had time to have a full discussion) then you would have responded appropriately.

You are dealing with two things: the inappropriate and unprofessional behaviour of the teacher, and legitimate concerns that your child’s behaviour at school does not match behaviours at home. (Unfortunately the teacher has assumed his behaviour at school is matched at home and thus you are at fault. Again, unprofessional to assume). Since a Reception aged child’s main means of communication is their behaviour, you are right to be concerned.

I really hope you get the answers you seek to understand your DS’s behaviour by speaking to the other teacher. I also recommend speaking to the head of the school about the first teacher’s unprofessionalism and incorrect assumptions about your DS and his home life. Good luck with it all.

Hi. I normally read but rarely comment, but your post about your son resonated with my son at that age. Unlike yours, he was at nursery from 4 months which he enjoyed. He talked early and with a huge vocabulary, he exceeded all expectations at nursery and blew people away with his mathematical skills

But at primary he was like a fish out of water. His understanding of language was good, but he struggled to both read and write. His behaviour at home became a nightmare and a private assessment confirmed that he was academically gifted. A diagnosis of visual stress /irlen syndrome made a huge benefit to his reading, but despite occupational health interventions and loads of 1:2 his handwriting never really developed. Primary was a struggle and he never really showed what he was capable of.
In secondary he thrived In time he started using a laptop in lessons and this became his way of working for lessons and exams. He got good GCSE results.
In college he is excelling. Really excelling. He continues to use a laptop for all lessons. He is predicted 3 A* at A level. He struggles socially (and always has done) and self identifies as having autism (after primary wouldn't recommend him for assessment). He's popular but doesn't make those deeper connections with people.

I guess what I'm saying is... It's early days, give it time. Be aware of additional needs, consider an assessment by ppuk for giftedness/strengths and continue to nurture his passions and support his challenges. They need both.

I wouldn’t worry too much about him, he sounds like me when I was in reception, I hated reading and hated writing and also the teacher didn’t like me because I was hard work, I actually have loads of memories of panic at not being able to do what was asked - one was draw a tractor when the rest of the class had no issue drawing it, I believe the teacher was at fault, she had no patience and completely knocked my confidence and I was afraid all the time because she got cross with me all the time. I loved year one and thrived as the teacher was lovely! Surely if they’ve spotted he’s struggling with writing they would offer him more one to one time to help? It’s their job to help him. Or like you said call you long before the meeting and give you advice on resources to help at home.

It's too early to worry. He's only had 6 months of school. This stage is all about getting them all to a similar standard which involves indentifying areas of weakness and addressing them at school and at home. It shouldn't really be a surprise that he is behind his classmates in areas of reading and writing when it is not something that was worked on with him at home prior to school. The school know they are doing their part to get him up to standard which is why the teacher was asking you about what you are doing at home. Him being "behind" other children doesn't mean he is actually behind in the SEN or intelligence sense.

For some reason you are taking the feedback as a criticism of your parenting choices (out of guilt? pride?) rather than it being about information sharing and advice which is what these sessions are about.

OP I could have written this when my son was in the first year of school. I also had the sense that my son was quite intelligent, going into school, but I knew he hadn't been interested in reading and writing yet.

He also had a job-share classroom, one teacher was one year out of uni, the other hand been teaching for 20 years.

He loved the younger teacher, she was so enthusiastic and fun, but her reports about him were really disquieting. He was well behind in writing, struggled with reading, socially took him a while to find his feet.

By contrast the other teacher was so reassuring. He was eager to learn, responded well to positive reinforcement and praise, he's only small, the rest will come.

He's now in year 3 and in the top groups in his class across the board. It really did take him some time to find his feet, but what helped was just the positive reinforcement and him recognising how good it felt to work hard and get answers right.

He also started with no friends and then "the other silent one"- the other silent one is now one of the most outgoing popular boys in his grade and their friendship is lovely. My son is still shy but has a beautiful group of friends.

School is a long game, disruption can do more harm than good. I think what you want to see with this teacher is does your son feel encouraged or discouraged by her? If discouraged, you can raise this and ask how she is building his confidence in these areas- it might remind her of her role in bringing his learning forwards (I know some teachers might find that patronising, but my husband who is a head teacher asked this of my son's teacher and it did seem to positively alter their relationship).

Good luck!

My son too, loved anyone reading stories to him, had a fascination with engineering programmes on tv. He constantly took things apart, and would put it back together correctly. His vocabulary was amazing for a four year old, l could go on and on...
At his first parents evening at school, in reception class, we were told he was way behind , but not to worry as children develop at different times....moving along to year two, again told he should be able to write a small story, he couldn't do that either....We never pushed him, we let him do his own thing after school, playing etc.....
Moving on to year 4, the change in him came from nowhere....He had the reading age of a 16yr old, he was years ahead in all subjects . He is now 19yrs old, attained all A* in his gcse's and A' levels....He didn't go to university, says he hates education. He is doing well, works in I.T. but most of all, he is happy. Trust me your ds will be fine, every child is an individual. Don't feel pressured from others, far too early to panic...Hope l have helped

It sounds like your son may be adjusting to the transition op and adapting to the culture shock which is school.
However I also think the school teacher seems a bit too focused on achievement as opposed to how he is settling in. He's still so young and really at this age the focus shouldn't be on academic ability.
When my daughter was in reception the teacher mentioned nothing to me about this and focused more on how she was in general. Teachers have there own styles and priorities though just as parents do and you may have different opinions to the teacher.
However moving him wouldn't guarantee him a different type of teacher and given he's maybe unsettled by the transition, the risk is you throw him off again.
In reception my daughter was quiet and shy and only had one friend. She's year one now and she's thriving. She answers questions in class, she has lots of friends (albeit still one best friend) and she even got in trouble the other day (which I know sounds like a strange flex, but to me it shows she has come out of her shell).
Give it time and have some more discussions with the teachers and don't listen to any of these mean MN replies.

I can just imagine how blindsided you must feel.
I would listen to what the teacher has to say but noone knows your child as well as you. He sounds like a great little boy, so curious and interesting.
My DS is a different child in school. Finds the whole thing very stressful. I have had some awful things said to me by teachers. I have cried and worried. I have concluded though, after countless wasted hours, that school just doesn't suit him. He has to go and I want it to be as pleasant as possible for him, so when he is at home, he is off the clock and can just follow his own interests. This has allowed him to learn the basics at school and then naturally transfer them into real life at home.

I would suggest you spend some time really thinking about how that meeting made you feel and why it made you feel that way. I think all these meetings boil down to a feeling that your child is somehow different to the group. The initial reaction is often to want them to conform and be like everyone else and meet the milestones taught in teacher training colleges.

So what if his hand writing is messy in reception, or when hes 40? Is that something that genuinely concerns you, or is it just a fear that he is the odd one out in the group? My mother still laughs about the teacher who commented on my brothers awful handwriting, triggering worry and meetings. He got a 100% in an engineering masters and still has awful writing.
If he's doing fine with Biff and Chip now, he's only going to get better with time and practice. If he is resistant to reading much at home and more concerned with doing all the other things you have mentioned, isn't that lovely! What is the point of fighting against what he is interested in. That's how you knock the spark out if them and make learning a miserable chore.

I really think he sounds great and you are doing a great job.

Hi OP 👋…
You’re a really good Mom ☺️
Stop beating yourself over preschool..
You did what Felt right at the time with only your sons best interest at heart ..x
What a disappointing meeting with that teacher , so many people I’m afraid in the wrong jobs …
You have a very smart little boy …
I would definitely meet the other teacher & see what they have to say , hopefully goes better than with Miss “ doom & gloom “ …
Discuss everything with her …
You can only take it from there …
Your son has very good parents, so I’ve no doubt this will all work out well & your son will find his way & be happy & thrive in school..
Good luck with it all x