To be so worried after ds's first parents' evening and want to move schools?

[Nant90]

I need to get some perspective and advice following ds's first parents' evening last week. I'm sorry it's long and thank you to anyone who does get to the end.

He is in reception and, if relevant, his birthday is coming up so around middle in terms of age. He didn't go to preschool as I was on maternity leave and then dh is sahd. He had been in nursery one day a week to give dh and then me a break and loved it. Then when he went up to the preschool room he just didn't seem happy. He and didn't ever seem to be playing with anyone when we picked him up so we took him out. Now I wonder if that was a huge mistake. He was not in any educational setting for the 6 months leading up to starting school.

This may make me sound like an arse, but I do believe ds is very bright. He is so articulate and never stops talking at home. Friends (with dc of similar ages) and relatives are always commenting on his vocabulary and ability to hold a conversation. Being read to is his favourite thing and he is forever asking questions I don't know the answer to, so we look them up. I'm not saying he's advanced - I wouldn't really know, but neither do I think he is behind. He can count up to 100 ish and recognises numbers in puzzles etc. My friend teaches his age group and was impressed at him playing I Spy last year as he was blending sounds. He also enjoys documentaries like Walking with Dinosaurs and Planet Earth and talks about what he's seen afterwards. Loves museums and concentrates well and discusses the content. Plays well with friends' children - mainly three children we've known all his life, but does hook up with other kids in playgrounds etc and seems to play well with them too, give or take the odd issue, but nothing that marks him out from other kids I know.

I considered teaching him to read before starting school but he showed no interest whatsoever. He got frustrated and kept saying, 'Just read me the book,' so I thought it was best not to push it and leave it to the experts. As I said, he loves books and adores being read to. He also has no interest in writing but, again, I didn't see the point in pushing it. He's now making slow but steady progress with Biff and Chip after a very shaky start - he's found the whole process frustrating but I did think he was getting there more recently and it does seem to be clicking.

Now we've had the first real parents' evening and I feel so deflated. The focus was on what he can't do and I was shown other children's' art work with their names neatly written on to really make the point clear. I was asked whether we have pencils and paper at home, ffs. They are all ahead of him, apparently. I asked how he is doing socially and the teacher asked ds who he plays with, which was pointless as I ask him that myself all the time - I wanted her opinion. When he gave her a name she said, 'Ah, yes, the other silent one.' I wanted to cry. She then asked whether we talk to him or have the TV up loud all the time - I have done nothing but talk to him ever since he was born and he never stops talking! He only started watching TV when his brother was born and it's limited. Dh and I never watch TV until dc are in bed. She just seemed to be judging us but nothing she said rang true anyway!

It seems he is not thriving there at all and is not showing anything he can do and definitely not learning anything new. To make it worse, the school is in a deprived area and outcomes are below average, yet he is worse than all the other children?! I feel this is worrying for his future and just want to move him.

Dh, who normally thinks I worry over nothing, wants to ask for a meeting with the other teacher when they go back next week (it's a 3-2 job share and we saw the one who does 2 days) and go from there. I just want to move him.

Any thoughts would be great - I just feel we're letting him down in leaving him there.

Gosh darn, I clearly let my child down back in the early 2010's when we only got 16 hours childcare free which I used for just 2 days of socialising and learning in nursery.

The rest of the time was clearly not educational at all and I was an awful parent letting her down in every way.

I mean, in Reception at Primary her name looked like it was in a backwards order because she's left handed and started too close to the edge of the page because it's easier to write right to left if you're left-handed. I still think that was cute.

Plus she HATED reading, phonics, all that. It was unbelievably painful to make her read so we didn't force it, we read to her instead and our lives were the better for it. In fairness, her teacher was in full support of that.

She's now nearly 15, writes beautifully (the right way round) is top set English, is articulate, is great at critical thinking, loves discussions and even has a lovely friendship group.

She is very strong-willed though and won't work hard unless she sees the value in what she's doing, which in year 10 she is finally starting to do.

Oh, and she's still not a big self-reader - I still read to her at bedtime because she loves a good story (Murder most unladylike series at the moment) and I love to read to her. We discuss the plot, the characters, everything and find it a great way to bond at the end of a long day.

Accept that you can't win, and move along. Someone will always say you got it wrong, because as we all know, dimming someone else's light makes all the others shine so much brighter...oh hang on 😉

I think she sounds very judgemental but moving him isn’t the answer. Spend more quality time together, make drawing and writing fun.

It’s up to school and teachers to get him up to par. Ask for one on one instruction until he catches up. It happening to my grandson, he was Covid baby so had constant one on one connections with his close family. He’s super smart but is having a hard time with especially criticism and following rules. I forgot what they call it but my daughter also required extra help. Push for it, don’t be afraid to get what you need for your child to succeed. They’ll probably push back but you push back harder.

Please don’t beat yourself up for not sending him to preschool! That’s ridiculous. He had precious time at home with his family and did plenty of socialising. Our education system is screwed up in so many ways, and it’s now beginning to sound here as if we are somehow doing our children a huge disservice if we don’t get them into the system by the age of 3. Nothing wrong with a bit of preschool or nursery, but really it’s not the only way. I hope your chat with your son’s other teacher leaves you feeling happier about the school. He sounds like a lovely boy.

I couldn’t remember what it was called but now recall it’s remedial help which helps them catch up and get organized

This might not be the case at all but I wanted to share my experience just in case. My oldest girl was similar, she seemed advanced in day to day activities and struggled in nursery so I pulled her out. Got to school and they told me she needed speech therapy because she wouldn’t speak and they said she was behind in everything. I was so shocked, she spoke with me and family really well. Anyway, long story short, she was diagnosed autistic and selective mute. They used to say she was poor academically and now she’s 14 she is very advanced in certain topics (she will only work hard/prove herself if she wants to). Your boy is probably just as intelligent as the others but they aren’t bringing it out in him. My daughter always took a year to settle in primary and then secondary. She was marked 3 years behind at one stage and now she gets the highest grades in her school for the topics she is obsessed with. I hope this gives you a bit of reassurance that sometimes they just need time or there might be a bit more to it why he is being so quiet. Don’t distrust your instincts x

As a lot of OPs have said, talk to and work with the teacher. Do some catch up things at home to help him. Arrange play dates with other kids. He's so young still and has a lot of adjustment to do going to school. He'll be fine!

My MIL had exactly the same experience, when my husband was in early years, she told me the teacher had said he was not performing to the same standard as his peers, and devastated MIL felt like hitting the teacher! He later went to Cambridge, got a 1st and PhD in physics, so not worth worrying about. Your time is better spent helping your son rather than dwelling on one person's subjective opinion. Buy the learning materials, work with him every evening and he will exceed everyone's expectations.

I get why you are feeling this way, he is your first. But you have glorified him a lot. I know our children are special, but they aren’t perfect. Listen to what the teacher us saying and learn about your son. He may be quiet at school because he is in a new space? Maybe he is one way with you and another way with teachers and school. Work with the teacher to bring out the best in him.

All you can do as a parent is be there and expose them to the world, it sounds like you are doing that. School will teach him new things. If the comparison is art, he will catch up. Do you think maybe you have made the meeting with the teacher worse than it was? What can you improve on? There must be other things the teacher highlighted that were positive.

I just want to address your perception on people from “less privileged” backgrounds. They are often from backgrounds that take education very seriously and are often not babied - and so I find these kids develop what some call “street Smart” or “common sense” - it’s an intelligence you often can’t teach. So you cannot assume that just because other children don’t match your sons “sheltered home education” that they wouldn’t be smart. They are often the best in class.

About your last paragraph - I work with a lot of kids from west Africa and you’re so right, as a culture on the whole it seems they are expected to respect authority, school teachers are listened to and taken seriously by parents and they are also expected to be independent in things like making food, speaking to people they don’t know, looking after siblings, going to the shops etc to a level other kids not from that culture aren’t. I’m not saying this is a culture as a whole as there are variations in Every ‘norm’ but what might seem a quite underprivileged family to some actually have a massive amount of time and energy invested into success at school and into their kids as whole.

My dd had similar issue when she attended school, the teacher asked me if we helped her with her homework or if we had pens and paper at home. when the teacher stopped me one day and asked me why she didn't know her alphabet I was shocked. My dd could read and write before she went to school but as I found out she wouldn't read or write in class. I took a book from the desk and said "read that for your teacher" she read it and to say the teacher was shocked was an understatement.
The point is sometimes children clam up and don't show what they are capable of, after she did that for the teacher that time she was fine from then on. Give it some time I'm sure he will be fine.

I could read before I was in Reception. Parents Evening came as a shock to my parents as they were told their usually chatty child was very quiet... And more importantly here... Couldn't READ or WRITE.

My parents were very confused. Then it came out that my teacher was forcing me to write with my right hand and was only seeing me recite the books rather than reading them as I knew them off by heart! As a result, she wasn't being very kind to me.

If your DS seems silent to the teacher you need to find out why. And this whole you didn't send your kid to Preschool thing doesn't matter an inch. There is also nothing wrong with being "the silent one" so this does ring alarm bells about this teacher to me.

The "What do you do at home" thing is pretty standard in deprived areas so don't worry about that. Do check which is your child's dominant hand and get him some Hama Beads and Plasticine as it can help strengthen the grip. And checked out for hyperflexible thumbs and dyslexia. Many kids with dyslexia CAN read but it's a real struggle. Coloured paper can make a huge difference to reading age too.

I think this highlights the importance for making sure there is a 2 way conversation between the parents and teachers. My daughter decided to be mute for 2 years when she started school - he nursery and reception teachers had never heard her voice! So you can imagine the personality and intelligence I knew just wasn’t coming across at all! Me and the teacher found a middle ground and used non verbal communication at school - and at home she was normal - but it meant I was always checking in.

Which is why I never blame teachers. There is always 2 sides to a story. At that age they are thrown into a new environment - and their little selves have to adjust - some find it easier than others. My second has loved nursery and pre-school. My first absolutly hated it and didn’t talk throughout x

@KindLemur there definitely are cultural differences. Not to say that people from West Africa are always from underprivileged backgrounds.

I’m a retired ks2 teacher (years 3 to 6). I am concerned about the teacher’s delivery. I would never have shown other children’s work to demonstrate how (poorly) your child is doing. And her remark ‘the other silent one’ - very, very clumsy. You need to speak to the other teacher to get a balanced view. Your little boy sounds delightful he’s probably just settling to being in a bigger setting that he’s used to. He’ll get used to it and find his way. Don’t beat yourself up about pre-school; we all do what we think is best for our children.

Hey , and breathe ……… I think you’ve had a bit of a negative experience with the first parents evening and undoubtedly this has made you anxious ( anyone would be after hearing some of the things you’ve mentioned )

as others have said , pop an email over ask for another meeting .
if they had great concern they would have pulled the school SENCO ( special educational needs coordinator into this ) so that’s a positive in itself assuming that they’re a proactive school .

we were told when my son was in year 4 ( only just starting to learn to read and write , that he would never sit GCSEs never do this or that or the other . Son is diagnosed with ADHD , dyslexia , congenital birth defect . He left school last summer with a host of A , B grades and a few C grades and is now studying A levels at a college 90 minutes away that he commutes to, ( our local colleges are not SEN friendly and children falling through cracks 24/7 so this was the best option for him as we were not going to let him down at the last hurdle ) for reference sons attendance was generally at 80 per cent or round about through years 9-11 of comp due to surgery’s amongst other things .

so please let this be a lesson to you as a mum that your child is still so little and he has plenty of time in the future to thrive and that even if he isn’t hitting targets right now that he undoubtedly will in the future I’m sure )
the grass isn’t always greener on the other side so pulling him out of school so early on into the year could actually have a detrimental effect to a whole host of feelings and emotions for him .

as parents we have to work with the schools for our children’s sake , try and maintain a healthy relationship with school as it’s best to have them on side than not .

parenting is tough , everyone says the toddler days and terrible 3s are the hardest but when they start into the school education system this is such a journey and one that sometimes just takes time for the child to flourish and get to where they need to be.
ultimately you are his parent and the choice lies with you how you move forward with the situation but firstly exhaust all avenues before jumping to conclusions and pulling him out of a school that in a years time could be the best setting for him .

lastly sending a big mum hug and a “ you’ve got this “ to you for being the parent who has so much concern and love for their child . Xx

I would have serious concerns about a teacher who showed other children’s work as a comparison . This is very unprofessional behaviour and one of the first things we were told not to do when I was teacher training.
This sounds like a delightful inquisitive little boy who is showing interest in many topics. You are being a good parent in encouraging this. School sadly doesn’t leave much time for pursuing individual interests as the focus has to be on all the basics.
School isn’t always kind to sensitive small children, especially when they have had lots of time with parents who naturally give lots more individualised attention. It sounds like he has gone quiet, partly for self preservation but partly as he is still making his mind up about how to react socially.
My advice would be to meet the other teacher if you can, but resist pulling him out as you and your children are going to encounter many social and emotional bumps along the way. He will need some resilience for this Friendships take time to develop and are very fluid at his age.
Also keep up reading to him with books he enjoys. Listening to reading is hugely important to develop literacy skills and there is hardly any time for it at school anymore, which is really sad.

Unfortunately I think this sounds like an issue with him not going to preschool and the reason I say this is because the way you are describing him and the issues the teacher has raised sounds very similar to the discussions about children’s behaviour etc in the years following COVID where they were kept out of educational settings. The difference you have is your child was kept out whereas all the rest of the children weren’t. Personally my first port of call if any concerns were raised about my DC’s would be to ask how to support development outside of school rather than to want to remove my child from the setting. Especially given that’s most likely the cause of the problem in the first place. It’s good that this has been picked up so early and interventions can be put in place, I’d be thanking the teacher rather than blaming her.

I don’t think you can just move a child every time things aren’t perfect, that would probably have more of an effect on him. I think you should organise a meeting with another teacher - not the one you spoke to - maybe the head? I genuinely cannot believe that anyone would speak about a 4yo like this, it seems v weird. What I would say is nursery did wonders for our two yr old, he came home with skills we never taught him that never ceased to amaze me and I’m quite sure that if he hadn’t gone then technically he wd be behind other kids because he’d never been shown how to do those things and everyone goes now. But he will catch up within a term easy peasy as like you say he seems bright.

Your little boy sounds great. My feeling is that he’s just struggled to adjust to a full time educational setting and separation from you. Not going to pre-school will have made it a very sudden change for him (sorry to bang on about that). He will catch up in his own time, but I’d expect him to learn the academic stuff a bit more slowly than those children who are used to a school setting - he’s had more to learn this year than they have, overall. It has perhaps just been too much all at once for him? It doesn’t mean that he won’t be ahead in a few years time. I’m also a secondary teacher and I agree with you that his teacher handled the meeting extremely badly and would also want to meet the other teacher. I hope you get reassurance in that meeting.

😢

I relate very much to this. My son seemed very bright and chatty but nursery teacher flagged up his apparent lack of social skills, which I thought was because he was only 2 years old. But he struggled a bit to integrate throughout school and was later diagnosed with a genetic disorder. This teacher may be wrong but equally don't dismiss the fact he may be on the autistic spectrum or have other neurodivergency, signs of which can be subtle and easily missed by first time parents.

My little girl is 6 and now in primary 2 (her second year at school I think this is equivalent to year 1). I didn’t send her to a nursery or preschool either. We had a difficult time as a family and I just didn’t want to send her so I didn’t. She’s never had a hard time socially and is very chatty and popular in class so don’t feel guilty about the preschool thing as I don’t believe that matters.
Some kids just aren’t as academic in the traditional sense and that’s fine. She’s my youngest and whilst she is starting to make sentences and trying to spell words a lot of it is still looking like gibberish. However, she speaks very articulately and is amazing at art and anything else creative. They’re all different and comparison is the thief of joy. Let him develop his skills at his own pace and don’t worry about him not writing his name at age 4 or 5!

I’m sorry you had a bad parents evening. My DC are now grown, but DC1 had undiagnosed dyslexia till after GCSEs. I had concerns about that, but kept being told no he’s just daydreaming about football. Then at High School his had some reading/writing issues but not as severe as others so no extra help was available. We got him a tutor but he was underperforming. Ultimately I heard an R4 programme and it described DC1 to a tee. So I had him assessed, and then at 6th form and for uni all the tests confirmed it. Loving being read to, but not loving to read fits in with DC1. Late diagnosis has meant he missed lots of help he should have got, and probably we’d have had broader thoughts around options. He is, however, fine now.

With DC2 your post just brings back an absolutely awful meeting with a primary teacher. DC2 was having emotional outbursts and one kid in the class kept needling him so he kept losing it. We weren’t in denial about there being an issue but all year she’d been telling us he was improving, then in the last few weeks she called me in and told me he was a really disturbed child. I spoke to the SEN teacher at school, and she promised to keep an eye on him, and did so. She told me he was fine. We got some advice, role played how to react to the bully needling him so he had coping mechanisms to draw on, and arranged for the next teacher to note the reading record if there were issues so we could to talk to him about them as they happened, but he would not go to school footy club if he misbehaved. SEN teacher recommended a high school I wouldn’t have thought of but was a perfect fit. At high school the best bit on his report card was the social studies teacher calling him well-adjusted. And he is fine now.

So sorry long-winded way of saying DONT PANIC. Meeting the other teacher is an excellent plan. Don’t be afraid to ask if they suspect dyslexia/ autism/ other disability as early access to resources will really help. And stop blaming yourself. Natural reaction, but you have made decisions in your child’s best interests as you saw them. You’ve got this OP.

How was she supposed to phrase it?

Your child is absolutely brilliant. We cannot believe how advanced he is. It’s a real shame he’s with all these disadvantaged kids wink wink.

the end.