To be irritated that hubby went for his workout on my designated day? ?

[Chalatte]

Edit: hubby, not hint, can't seem to change title
I and my partner have just started working out semi regularly, and due to our busy schedules he does Mon-weds and I do the remaining 4 days
I don't usually get to do all 4 because there's always a birthday party or social engagement on the day, and sometimes miss all week for reasons like that.

I've got the week off for half term and I've been on top of the laundry and some deep cleaning. I've also done loads of cooking etc plus ensured the kids were off screens for the most part, taking them to local parks etc to keep them active.

This means I've just been exhausted and not been able to go gym the first 3 days
Today I set up a playdate so we had kids over until past 7. I couldn't even think about going coz I've been up and down stairs, In and out dropping the older kid to their play dates, tidying, cooking and cleaning basically all day. Turns out he got a session at the gym in and I was really irritated by this!

Yesterday he suggested "I just take the day off and do something for myself" and I didn't do it knowing fully well I had multiple playdates to coordinate, lunch laundry and tidying. I work a very busy job so this half term has been a rare opportunity for me to do stuff. He's booked himself a gym day and went ahead with it, and honestly I got a little upset by this. Despite him telling me to "take today off" and that"he'd cancel if I booked"

I think there's a deeper underlying issue because this irritated me to no end and I can't articulate why this bothers me so(especially because he even offered to cancel if I were going)! My whole point is I don't want to feel I'm constantly begging him for time that's designated to be for my gym time. He just doesn't seem to get why I'm so annoyed if I wasn't going to go to the gym anyway(I was honestly exhausted after being around the kids all of today).

I think the issue is that i feel he isn't pulling his weight in the house enough and everything he says feels like lip service. If I went out today I know, for instance, that the lunch would have been ramen or if there was proper lunch I'd have to clear up stacks of dishes from the sink and counter, the laundry wouldn't have been done etc, so my"taking time off"would just mean "put off what I'm doing until tomorrow and double the work"😢

To be fair he does some work around the house but feels like it's the bare minimum compared to what needs doing. He'll do the washing but not the folding,leave a pile on the table or bed for days on end. He'll feed the kids but it's ramen or takeout, and the dishes will all be out on the table. Or, he'll engage the kids, but it's going to be with Tv

I understand he works a busy job and has no free time but I am feeling so triggered today in particular, even more so after he so generously told me to"take time off" that I guess I just wanted to vent here and any thoughts on whether I'm being unreasonable will be received with an open mind!

I get it, you’re trying to say he’s prioritising his self care over the family and you’re trying to fit your self care in around the family. That’s shit.

Sadly you do just need to book stuff and go. Have it in the diary and leave, this doesn’t have to be gym though. If you’re too tired go for a workout, have a swim or a coffee.

I think the two of you do need to talk, but calmly and constructively.

I’m prone to a bit of martyr syndrome myself, but also remember a frustration that if I go out I return to a sink of dishes and I lose some of the benefits of the time out.

But DH once said to me part of the issue was that I was critical of how he did things cos I wanted them to my (unrealistic) standards not his best efforts. That was a fair point. So we met in the middle over the years (not always easily). If I came home and some effort had been made, I could appreciate the effort (even with an exponential increase in dishes which need to soak LOL).

If he’d fed the kids, did it matter that that meal was not the most nutritionally balanced?

Was cleaning/laundry more important than taking exercise.

A wise person advised us to check in with each other every evening. How was your day. Good feeling 10/10. Rubbish feeling 1/10. Then we could offer mutual support when needed. Surprising what a difference that makes.

And as the kids get older, the physical intensity of running to stand still does ease up. High school is quite dramatic for this. There are then other dramas. But this bit right now is definitely the most labour intensive part of parenting in my experience.

Toilet then a bath or shower. I think he basically sits on the toilet and scrolls!!

Its annoying me more as we are potty training our 2 year old and even though we do have an actual potty, I’d rather her just learn to go on the toilet.

@JayJayj that should take 15-20 mins max even for a massive poo and shower unless he has a health problem. It's unfair on you

Having standards/boundaries is good, as long as it doesn't cross into OCD which isn't good. My house would likely be classed as unclean by many on here but I live alone and do the default household cleaning, just not to the point of trying to eradicate every single mark or flake of dust. Changing nightwear every day would be excessive to me, there have been plenty of reports on how excessive laundry of clothes is contributing to microfibers in the rivers and seas, and that there is such a thing as overdoing it. If I had a live-in partner I might have to adapt.

But we both know it’s not as easy as that. We know all he’ll do is “parent”. He won’t do the laundry or cleaning up so all the de-stressing of the gym will be lost as she’ll be stressed when she’s back.

This isn’t about the Gym. It’s about OPs husband taking the benefits of his wife running the house and not helping. She’s putting in a second shift and it’s not on.

Nonsense. That has ‘Can’t win, don’t try’ gendered self-martyring written all over it. If the OP wants to go to the gym, then she goes to the gym. No one is making her bustle around in a pinny ‘making up’ for whatever it is she thinks is supposed to have been done during her session. Cleaning isn’t more important than exercise.

She doesn't have to come back from the gym and do loads of housework and cleaning up, though. She can just leave it for him to sort.

I take it you’ve never been in a relationship where if you don’t do it, it won’t get done. I have and lots of women have too.

You do also find that as “punishment” for going to the gym, he won’t have done anything and probably added to the mess.

Then OP has bigger things to worry about than going to the gym.

Exactly this.

Shout in that DC needs the loo and needs it NOW, then open the door just enough to let her through. It isn't fair for a toddler to have to wait and he can help her as he's in there already (presumably you don't currently have locks to avoid DC lock-ins? If you do, it is a good time to remove them for this reason, and to give DC access when they need the loo but someone else is busy fart-arsing about in there!).

A lot of people get divorced cos of stuff like this

This would be a total fucking dealbreaker. I’d meet him at the door and say don’t come in if you’re just going to hide in the toilet for over an hour. Our kids are not going to see this as a model of parenting anymore. If dad’s home, he’s parenting, or dad and mum ensure they both get breaks. None of this you take all the time you want with multiple hours of hobby and alone time, while I struggle on. I need a partner and if you aren’t one then let’s split up. Come back when you’re going to jump in and read stories and do bath and bed and tidy the living room and clean up dinner. Until then go find another toilet to squat in.

It sounds to me like he isn't picking up his share of either the mental load or housework ~ a one off messy house or easy meal doesn't matter but if it's regular then I hear you & that means an honest conversation
But (and it's a big but)

Don't be a martyr - they'll all live if the josie is messy and they eat McDonald's

Conversation with husband on equal
Loads
And both working together to achieve equal time to yourselves key.

Ps I work abroad and on my first trip back after mat leave - I came home to a shit show ( a very high level executive husband who was more than capable of running a business, couldn't feed two kids properly or pop on a load of laundry

On speaking to an older and wise pal, I booked into a hotel (on his credit card) and point blank refused to come home until house in decent state and laundry done as bare minimum.

Weirdly (not) it got done asap

He does do every bath time and does parent went present. It is something that drives me mad so when he came home and said he wanted to go to the gym 3 times a week it just felt like he didn’t want to see us.

I’ve struggled with leaving my daughter since she has been born. Party PPD/PPA. And when I’ve worked or been away from her I miss her and want to see her. Even though he misses her he doesn’t seem to have the urgency like I do. I struggle to understand his feelings when I feel so strongly about it.

I have read so many of your responses and I hear ya, I'm being unreasonable in this case!
I typed all of this in a fit of frustration /anger and I couldn't articulate even to myself why it made me so mad even though he offered to cancel!

And I may have been burying the lede here a bit when I said I go 4 times while he only goes 3! Very often because it's a weekend, and weekend commitments for kids/DH and me as well means I hardly ever make all 4 days each week! It's only ever 2 or 3 days of3 I'm lucky.

As for @saphirestones I did the multiple play dates because it's the first one our kids have had this year.... It's when it really dawned on me that I tried to do a lot on the half term because he rarely if ever takes them all out on the weekends or holidays, unless we are all going to something, and has effectively stopped doing it entirely in the last year or so.

As for being fussy one of the major things I'm fussy about is a tidy and neat house but that means swept floors and done laundry. We wear pj's and cardis 2 or 3 days in a row to save on washing! The other thing I'm fussed about is healthy food. I have background in nutrition so I know how some foods can affect you so I'm careful to prepare food from scratch. But I do this and don't expect him to either...

So I think this really was a DH problem and I have had a word with him now that it's clearer in my head. And it might please you all to know I made it to The gym 2 days in a row and I'm so much calmer about all of it now! 😁

I'm totally with you on working out being a priority, but I always feel guilty when it means kids are left on screens.

This is precisely what it was
I recently learned to drive and started driving out and doing errands, excited to be able to do stuff on my own and I was dismayed to find he didn't pick up any of the chores at home if I went out to do errands, so I've had to do twice the work every time!

I mean if I asked him for instance to bring home groceries I would've been home sorting out dinner or laundry while he did it but he wasn't doing anything! It's driving me up the walk to the point I'm only going out for my own needs and not doing errands anymore. Ugh! Honestly why are men like this

I feel guilty too but I’m a better and calmer parent after a workout so if it means extra 45-60 mins of screen so be it( although mine gets bored after 30 mins and finds something to play with the rest of the time)