To be irritated that hubby went for his workout on my designated day? ?

[Chalatte]

Edit: hubby, not hint, can't seem to change title
I and my partner have just started working out semi regularly, and due to our busy schedules he does Mon-weds and I do the remaining 4 days
I don't usually get to do all 4 because there's always a birthday party or social engagement on the day, and sometimes miss all week for reasons like that.

I've got the week off for half term and I've been on top of the laundry and some deep cleaning. I've also done loads of cooking etc plus ensured the kids were off screens for the most part, taking them to local parks etc to keep them active.

This means I've just been exhausted and not been able to go gym the first 3 days
Today I set up a playdate so we had kids over until past 7. I couldn't even think about going coz I've been up and down stairs, In and out dropping the older kid to their play dates, tidying, cooking and cleaning basically all day. Turns out he got a session at the gym in and I was really irritated by this!

Yesterday he suggested "I just take the day off and do something for myself" and I didn't do it knowing fully well I had multiple playdates to coordinate, lunch laundry and tidying. I work a very busy job so this half term has been a rare opportunity for me to do stuff. He's booked himself a gym day and went ahead with it, and honestly I got a little upset by this. Despite him telling me to "take today off" and that"he'd cancel if I booked"

I think there's a deeper underlying issue because this irritated me to no end and I can't articulate why this bothers me so(especially because he even offered to cancel if I were going)! My whole point is I don't want to feel I'm constantly begging him for time that's designated to be for my gym time. He just doesn't seem to get why I'm so annoyed if I wasn't going to go to the gym anyway(I was honestly exhausted after being around the kids all of today).

I think the issue is that i feel he isn't pulling his weight in the house enough and everything he says feels like lip service. If I went out today I know, for instance, that the lunch would have been ramen or if there was proper lunch I'd have to clear up stacks of dishes from the sink and counter, the laundry wouldn't have been done etc, so my"taking time off"would just mean "put off what I'm doing until tomorrow and double the work"😢

To be fair he does some work around the house but feels like it's the bare minimum compared to what needs doing. He'll do the washing but not the folding,leave a pile on the table or bed for days on end. He'll feed the kids but it's ramen or takeout, and the dishes will all be out on the table. Or, he'll engage the kids, but it's going to be with Tv

I understand he works a busy job and has no free time but I am feeling so triggered today in particular, even more so after he so generously told me to"take time off" that I guess I just wanted to vent here and any thoughts on whether I'm being unreasonable will be received with an open mind!

If you had a designated day off you should have taken it, and been clear what your expectations of him were eg all plates in dishwasher, laundry folded etc. If he hasn't done it don't do it for him - he will just have to stay up later until he gets better organised. If he's never properly tested and seeing consequences of his actions he will never learn. I know it's not easy but if you push him hopefully he will rise tp the occasion.

Gyms. Ugh. Give me the heebies. Walk/run around a block or 2 and take one of the kiddies with you!. Buy a pushbike ( heaps second hand and cheaper than paying to be in a closed room with sweaty strangers yuk ). Sorry, carry on.

No-one likes or respects a martyr.

I’d have gone to the gym, even just to drink a coffee in the cafe and left him to it.

but as you say, this is a wider problem about the division of labour and his seeming entitlement to more free time than you.

These things are not at all the same as a gym workout. Just because you don’t like it doesn’t mean others shouldn’t.

WTF?

This is exactly what my post was getting at I think.

when we’re in the trenches with young children and doing the bulk of the childcare we set ourselves standards (we have to, otherwise the children would never eat a vegetable or get washed or go outside). I don’t think men do this so it’s frustrating when they take the easy road and parent without also getting the housework done, or give the kids crap to eat etc. it’s unbalanced because actually that occasional lazy day should be given to the chief caregiver who needs a break, rather than the parent who parents less often - does that make any sense at all??

edited to add (sorry, it’s early and I’m half asleep) - this isn’t man bashing at all. What I mean is in my situation, Dh’s idea of giving me a break was giving me a lie in or taking the kids out whereas what I wanted was to be present in my own home without having to do everything myself.

You need to prioritise yourself, not expect your DH to de-prioritise himself to ‘match’ you.

Perfectly said.

That's hardly a workout

I think the issue is that i feel he isn't pulling his weight in the house enough

This is the issue rather than him going to the gym after he said you should take the day to yourself and you said no.

Said by someone who evidently hasn't stepped foot in a gym!

I don't go to the gym to walk for a bit or go on the bike. Walking round the block or taking the kids out on their bikes is done as an addition and doesn't count (for me) as exercise.

I can't replicate my gym workout anywhere else - I don't have a barbell, weights, dumbells, squat rack at home.

You need to prioritise yourself, not expect your DH to de-prioritise himself to ‘match’ you.

Well said.

It's like you are laying a trap.

You’re only annoyed because you’re letting him annoy you!!
Chill, the kids are fed, you can go to the gym if you want…. As for the clothes, don’t seethe, tell him to fold them!

@Chalatte

This is the best advice I can give you, from someone in a happy 25+year relationship/marriage.

Don't try and force your partner to be what you consider "your optimum".
I know exactly the feeling, and it only leads to frustration and bitterness.

Your husband, and father of your children, evidently has different views to you in terms of the importance of various issues.

You cannot make him actively contribute towards providing your children with a healthier diet or a more stimulating life for your children.

Even if he were theoretically in agreement with you, this doesn't mean that in reality he would have what it takes to do this long term.

You need to be clear in your own mind what your personal priorities are.

For example which action is further up the list between ensuring kids are mentally stimulated, and ensuring they have a healthy diet in the day to day?
Where does this compare to everyone having a tidy house?
How important is your workout schedule compared to these other activities?

Stop doing entirely, or do as infrequently as possible the things that are low down on your priority list.
I made a point years ago that I wasn't going to have anything to do with the outside of the house. No gardening, nothing to do with the garage etc. I will leave it all to be a completely overgrown jungle before I would do anything.
Not caring about stuff is powerful.

Most people would agree that being fed and housed are top priorities but after that there are so many differences in opinion.

You may not be happy that your husband sometimes chooses to put his own workout schedule higher than something you feel would benefit his children, but this is who he is. By constantly wishing he were different you won't be able to acknowledge his presumably positive qualities.

Why do we women get ourselves into these messes. Is it because we can't ask someone to pick up or because we dont put ourselves first.

You need to tell your DH you are doing abc he needs to do the washing etc etc etc. If you dont give him a list he will choose to do nothing.

You do not need to cover all the kids stuff delegate.

Put yourself first that's what your DH has done. If you can't beat them join them. Self care is vital for our wellbeing, women have largely forgotten this...

Hi OP, I'm thinking (school hols aside) if you are often busy with other things, parties playdates etc and the gym day agreement isn't working then why don't you do the start of the week and hubby does latter? Or at least alternate? He's prioritising his downtime and you aren't which is causing your low level irritation, you need to ring fence some you time.

Yep this a million per cent. Invest some time in working out why your default is to be a martyr and start working on not doing it. You are doing it for a reason, work out why. Do you do it at work, it's so bloody irritating and I speak as someone who has these tendencies and has to be very vilgilant.

Housework can wait an hour or so. Surely
Play dates aren't that hard to coordinate between 2 people?

I get how you feel but I think a step back and reprioritise may be in order. If it was medical appointments, school run, things that can't be avoided, ok but frankly, you chose the house work.

I accept there may be a bigger pattern and he needs to genuinely step up,, instant noodles aren't a suitable regular meal and housework needs to be shared. But you need to fit your commitments to yourself in and that may mean leaving housework to fall as it may sometimes. It can't be incumbent on him picking up the slack.

Why do we women get ourselves into these messes. Is it because we can't ask someone to pick up or because we dont put ourselves first.

This won't be popular but I think a lot of it is about control.

I've seen so many threads on here where men do something perfectly acceptable but because it's not the woman's way of doing it, it's seen as wrong.

If you're in a partnership with someone surely you should be able to trust them to care for the children and the house, even if they choose to do it differently.

I am not the poster you are asking and I am saying the same, I am saying it because I recognise it as a trait I can be guilty of if I don't have a massive word with myself. Oh woe is me look at all this work that's not needed that I am choosing to do and oh my very busy husband that doesn't pull his weight but it's ok i will do it all and just seethe inwardly . Yes husband may be a lazy arse but work on what you can change first and that's one's own behaviour and actions. The language in the post screams it, the long list of chores , all she does.

Deep cleaning is the most soul destroying waste of time known to man.

Thank you all for your responses
After venting on here, I've been able to see more clearly.

It wasn't so much about booking a gym day on my designated gym day. The actual issue was about just making time for myself as and when I needed to, and because I chose to spend the last 4 days doing kids and home stuff rather than anything for myself (obviously that s my call) it left me too tired to do anything for me at the end of the day.

The other issue is that I'm not great at making time for myself. If DH scheduled a gym session I would find a way to first let him go or work around it, rather than just booking, so the thought of asking him to cancel made me feel like i was "fighting" to get my day in which is probably why it bothered me so much.

Is he not pulling his weight or are your standards too high or a bit of both? You refer to lunch being 'ramen' or lots to clear up. The ramen isn't great too often, but my kids often have toast or sandwiches or similar for lunch. I get it's annoying if the dishes are still left on the table though, we are working on our kids dealing with dishes, I'd be annoyed if DH needed guiding!

If DH goes to the gym, does that leave you to do more childcare or is it in the evening once they are in bed? Personally I think your schedule is a bit strange, as surely it makes more sense to spread your gym visits out rather than have half the week each.

I think you need to communicate the real issue to you DH which is the difference in your views on prioritising housework and him possibly leaving it all to you. Going to the gym is a bit of a red herring.