To be irritated that hubby went for his workout on my designated day? ?

[Chalatte]

Edit: hubby, not hint, can't seem to change title
I and my partner have just started working out semi regularly, and due to our busy schedules he does Mon-weds and I do the remaining 4 days
I don't usually get to do all 4 because there's always a birthday party or social engagement on the day, and sometimes miss all week for reasons like that.

I've got the week off for half term and I've been on top of the laundry and some deep cleaning. I've also done loads of cooking etc plus ensured the kids were off screens for the most part, taking them to local parks etc to keep them active.

This means I've just been exhausted and not been able to go gym the first 3 days
Today I set up a playdate so we had kids over until past 7. I couldn't even think about going coz I've been up and down stairs, In and out dropping the older kid to their play dates, tidying, cooking and cleaning basically all day. Turns out he got a session at the gym in and I was really irritated by this!

Yesterday he suggested "I just take the day off and do something for myself" and I didn't do it knowing fully well I had multiple playdates to coordinate, lunch laundry and tidying. I work a very busy job so this half term has been a rare opportunity for me to do stuff. He's booked himself a gym day and went ahead with it, and honestly I got a little upset by this. Despite him telling me to "take today off" and that"he'd cancel if I booked"

I think there's a deeper underlying issue because this irritated me to no end and I can't articulate why this bothers me so(especially because he even offered to cancel if I were going)! My whole point is I don't want to feel I'm constantly begging him for time that's designated to be for my gym time. He just doesn't seem to get why I'm so annoyed if I wasn't going to go to the gym anyway(I was honestly exhausted after being around the kids all of today).

I think the issue is that i feel he isn't pulling his weight in the house enough and everything he says feels like lip service. If I went out today I know, for instance, that the lunch would have been ramen or if there was proper lunch I'd have to clear up stacks of dishes from the sink and counter, the laundry wouldn't have been done etc, so my"taking time off"would just mean "put off what I'm doing until tomorrow and double the work"😢

To be fair he does some work around the house but feels like it's the bare minimum compared to what needs doing. He'll do the washing but not the folding,leave a pile on the table or bed for days on end. He'll feed the kids but it's ramen or takeout, and the dishes will all be out on the table. Or, he'll engage the kids, but it's going to be with Tv

I understand he works a busy job and has no free time but I am feeling so triggered today in particular, even more so after he so generously told me to"take time off" that I guess I just wanted to vent here and any thoughts on whether I'm being unreasonable will be received with an open mind!

As someone who would rather have colonic irrigation than go to the gym, I can’t help at all with this thread!

@Bornnotbourne

thats interesting….whats the reason to increase weight training?

Surely you can understand this isn’t about the gym or whether or not you like going to the gym? @ClairDeLaLune

Sounds like you both need to cancel at least one gym session. You clearly get more exercise for free with housework.

Have you ever directly addressed the fact that he feeds the kids junk/leaves you loads of dishes/doesn’t pull his weight at home? Pointed out that all of this is just as much of his job as yours?

Like, with this I'd have to clear up stacks of dishes from the sink and counter, the laundry wouldn't have been done etc My impression is that you’d just do the dishes and the laundry, as opposed to asserting yourself in any way. Is that correct? If so, why?

It sounds like you're making things difficult for yourself and making lots of excuses why you can't go to the gym. Why do you need a full day for the gym? Why not just an hour? I have 3 children and both my husband and I go to the gym most days. It only takes an hour each.

Gym Day? Surely going to the gym takes 2 hours tops. You’re making a massive drama over this. When my kids were young I just had to fit exercise in when able, so for me that was after they went to bed at 7.30, or over lunch if wfh, or at the weekend while dp was happy to cover. Did a bit at home if I couldn’t get out. I think you both need to flex a bit atm.

I think you feel worn down by the general relentless routine work of household, work and kids and although you like the gym it can seem like another tick box of 'work' When you don't feel like the gym you still need time for yourself. Take a day off regularly whether you go to the gym or not. Meet a friend for lunch, have a spa day, Get your hair done, go shopping. Even take a book and read in the library away from the house. It doesn't have to be the gym. Clear a space for yourself. Spell out what needs to be done while you're out. Even helpful men sometimes need this spelt out for them , especially if you've always done the organising and most of the work. Don't expect more than usually do just to 'show him'. Be realistic. If you want the kids taken out tell him you want a wash load in before he goes and sorted when he gets backbut don't expect the house pristine is well if you've asked him to take the kids out all day.
I think part of the resentment comes at feeling you need to have something else useful to do in order to justify having a day off. Next time just take the day. Say lovely, I'm off out to town/ lunch/ read in peace at the library. I've written a few suggestions about where to take the kids/ things need doing in the house. Bye 😃 . Hope you get sorted 💐

Actually, Ionly slightly agree with other posters. On the one hand, yes, I totally agree that you should take the day and not feel you have to get everything done perfectly at home.

On the other hand, I think the bigger problem is that your DH isn't stepping up. Sure, a bit of extra screen time or less healthy meals is fine, theoretically, but there's nothing more annoying than feeling you always HAVE t do the healthy meals and the stimulating activities because you're compensating for the fact that on his days none of that happens. That is a bigger picture issue you need to reach some compromise on.

The line I would 100% draw in the sand though is whether he's given them bloody instant ramens or cooked a three course meal.... when you get home, you are NOT doing all the tidying up When he gets home, y ou've fed and entertained the kids and the house is broadly tidy, there's not a chance in hell I'd be getting home and cleaning the kitchen. And I say this as someone who has had to purpsefully come home and go upstairs to take a shower or something a few times to stop myself from starting to clean the kitchen. DH knows perfectly well it needs to be done, he just tends to leave it "until later". I used to then do it and I'd be irritated and HE would be irritated that I was irritated. So now I just don't. If I need the kitchen - say to make dinner - I might even say |"can you tidy up from lunch while I get myself sorted so I can make dinner".

This, you're leaving the "lunch laundry and tidying", not a dying patient. It's hardly important. You are placing far more importance on these tasks than they need to have, no one is dying from eating ramen once a week.

But also trying to get in 4 days a week at the gym is setting yourself up for failure. Do one and schedule it in properly no matter what. Otherwise it's always going to be the "next day" and never will be.

As can his dad.

One thing I’ve realised in marriage is the need to communicate clearly and really listen to what the person has to say and then try find solutions. I know it sounds really obvious but it’s not uncommon when we feel things are unfair or are annoyed to either suck it up and get resentful or for it to become an argument and neither approach leads to positive change. So I think you need to communicate with your DH, explain what you want and why. I realise so much is due to misunderstandings or learned patterns of behaviour and it is possible to change things.

Agree, and as the OP says she wouldn't have a problem as an occasional thing, but "He'll feed the kids but it's ramen or takeout, and the dishes will all be out on the table."

There's a huge difference between parents giving ourselves some slack on occasions with junk food and screentime in the holidays, because we know usually we do ok with getting them to have vegetables and exercise, and having one parent who will always go for the no-effort option if left in charge - instant noodles rather than a sandwich, takeout rather than cooking basic pasta AND not even washing up after.

Does it need done? That's your first question. Laundry shouldn't be an everyday task. If it is, your kids are wearing too many clothes. Do laundry once a week, make it his job.

It's half term, your kids are home and your focus is, "great, I can clean the house". Does that really need done, all at once, for the whole week?

Choose a room once a month to deep clean if that's what you want to do.

If he isn't doing lunches the way you'd prefer, set up a meal planner. He is doing it his way because as an adult, having to work out what you are going to feed the kids every damned day is bad enough, to have to also do it for lunches in the holidays is excruciating. The kids love ramen so let's give them that. Your kids don't need a gourmet lunch every day. A cheese sandwich and some carrot sticks is fine.

He (probably) isn't doing stuff because you don't like the way he does stuff. I'm sure you don't think he cleans very well.

My husband has a different standard of clean from me, he doesn't care if the place doesn't sparkle. After 25 years together, raising a family, it really isn't a problem. I have two choices, do it all myself (nope!!) or accept his way is clean enough. I want it to sparkle, I do the last bit myself, he's good with that.

You have to let go of control.

I think your issue is that he’s not matching your effort at home. I understand that would be frustrating.

OP the comments are quite harsh.
My thoughts on this would be that if he's got spare time to go the gym then he's got spare time to help out over half term. He should check in with you and ask what needs doing today, not be selfish and leave it all to you.

Toughen up. Why is everyone else more important than you? Your health and wellbeing is vital to your family’s circumstances.

So get a grip and forget the washing or let your kids watch a film on the telly.

Anything worth doing is worth doing half-assed. Come on, look after your own needs a bit!

THIS!!
Also, I am starting to have negative associations with going out -- if he takes the kids out I make sure there's at least a meal ready or do a bit of a house clean. While also getting some quiet time for myself.

If I take the kids out, I also have to come home to nothing done and a husband that has been chilling so I have to not only take them out etc I also have to come home and fix meals or tidy... I think it's just becoming unreasonable to the point of me not wanting go out without sorting things out at home because otherwise they just won't sort themselves out...

Generational trauma! LOL It's inbuilt into my system now to be a martyr I think because growing up my mum put herself last all the time :(

Aww mate that is rubbish.

But if “going to the gym” is an insurmountable hurdle maybe you need some other options for exercise? Like Lucy Wyndham Reed workouts or a 20 minute bike ride that you can fit in more frequently. It doesn’t have to be a big session at the gym to improve your health and fitness.

That’s great on paper isn’t it?
Except that it’s more likely that the OP would prioritise herself, her dh will carry on as he wants and the dcs will eat crap, won’t have play dates etc etc…

@Chalatte imo The first thing to do in that case is NOT to prioritise yourself with the hope he’ll step up.
It’s dealing with the dh. Establishing boundaries around who does what. Like you have the kids, you feed them AND clean up afterwards AND take them out to the park etc…
His reaction will tell you everything there is to know about him, how he sees himself in relation to you, including are your needs/wellbeing important? As important as his?

And yes ‘mum does it all’ is often a result of childhood stuff. But now you know. So you don’t have to do it too.

Nan.
She needs a partner rather than a babysitter than does the bare minimum.

You are being a martyr...it is your right to be a martyr if you want to, but dont blame your DH. You don't have to do 'everything '. You don't have to provide meals if you are going out. If they are going out , you don't have to spend all the time cleaning and cooking. That is your choice. If you don't, what is the worst thing that will happen....nothing. they might not have clean clothes or a cooked meal....the sky won't fall in.
If you choose to take on the full load, don't blame anyone else. Start making time for yourself. They will cope.

Yup, this is the issue. It's not gym. It's that you have a useless DH. Mine is actually really good, but he can be slow and he's not good at thinking ahead. So the compromie we've come to is that I do take on far more of the mental load, but he actually takes on a lot of everything else. So I would remind him before a day out with the kids that he needs to change the bedding, do a load of laundry and walk the dog.

That's not necessarily goign to help in your case, but I'm making the point that you are absolutely right to be annoyed he does fuck all whiel you're out and that you need a solution for this.

TBH I don't get why you are annoyed either. He offered to change and you refused. But if he is generally not pulling his weight then that's a problem. He will either need to do more or you get help with the housework. A cleaner