To be irritated that hubby went for his workout on my designated day? ?

[Chalatte]

Edit: hubby, not hint, can't seem to change title
I and my partner have just started working out semi regularly, and due to our busy schedules he does Mon-weds and I do the remaining 4 days
I don't usually get to do all 4 because there's always a birthday party or social engagement on the day, and sometimes miss all week for reasons like that.

I've got the week off for half term and I've been on top of the laundry and some deep cleaning. I've also done loads of cooking etc plus ensured the kids were off screens for the most part, taking them to local parks etc to keep them active.

This means I've just been exhausted and not been able to go gym the first 3 days
Today I set up a playdate so we had kids over until past 7. I couldn't even think about going coz I've been up and down stairs, In and out dropping the older kid to their play dates, tidying, cooking and cleaning basically all day. Turns out he got a session at the gym in and I was really irritated by this!

Yesterday he suggested "I just take the day off and do something for myself" and I didn't do it knowing fully well I had multiple playdates to coordinate, lunch laundry and tidying. I work a very busy job so this half term has been a rare opportunity for me to do stuff. He's booked himself a gym day and went ahead with it, and honestly I got a little upset by this. Despite him telling me to "take today off" and that"he'd cancel if I booked"

I think there's a deeper underlying issue because this irritated me to no end and I can't articulate why this bothers me so(especially because he even offered to cancel if I were going)! My whole point is I don't want to feel I'm constantly begging him for time that's designated to be for my gym time. He just doesn't seem to get why I'm so annoyed if I wasn't going to go to the gym anyway(I was honestly exhausted after being around the kids all of today).

I think the issue is that i feel he isn't pulling his weight in the house enough and everything he says feels like lip service. If I went out today I know, for instance, that the lunch would have been ramen or if there was proper lunch I'd have to clear up stacks of dishes from the sink and counter, the laundry wouldn't have been done etc, so my"taking time off"would just mean "put off what I'm doing until tomorrow and double the work"😢

To be fair he does some work around the house but feels like it's the bare minimum compared to what needs doing. He'll do the washing but not the folding,leave a pile on the table or bed for days on end. He'll feed the kids but it's ramen or takeout, and the dishes will all be out on the table. Or, he'll engage the kids, but it's going to be with Tv

I understand he works a busy job and has no free time but I am feeling so triggered today in particular, even more so after he so generously told me to"take time off" that I guess I just wanted to vent here and any thoughts on whether I'm being unreasonable will be received with an open mind!

True that! They fill me with horror!. I'm glad you all enjoy them but everyine has their thing that gives them the creeps. Sorry. I'm understand the people that can't stand people scrape nails down blackboards but that doesn't bother me. 😁

Well said.

In addition, and also from a perspective of 25+ long marriage.... the kids benefit more from having two parents getting along under one Christmas tree compared to being shuffled from house to house and still getting junk food and lots of TV when they are at their father's post divorce.

You have to find a compromise somewhere. Being a woman and a wife does not give you an automatic right to a final say how the household activities should be run.

A lot of it is society induced I believe. I used to pick up arguments with my husband when my sister-in-law would drop by unexpectedly to see her brother and I was at work. I would come home and the place is a tip and an argument would ensue.

Then I read the Surrendered Wife book and I stop caring.

Ironically, I also now have a fabulous relationship with my sister-in-law too. Possibly because she sees her brother happy and not moaning about me behind my back.

I have noticed though she avoids using our bathroom 🤣

I think women have this ingrained idea that selfish is always bad. The reality is no one else is going to put you first in the way that you can. You can have the best most involved partner in the world but if you are constantly putting yourself last and putting them, cleaning, the kids, activities, chores above your own basic need to be fulfilled then you will always feel like shit and run ragged.

The only one who can prioritise you is you.

Men get this and it takes a lot of women a lifetime to learn it.

Thank you!
It's not being able to articulate this that I've been struggling with.

I feel like one of us has to do it if I don't who will?
And he tells me"there's always things to me done, things will get done"
As if they are magically going to get done 😂
I love his attitude but I feel like I've gotta be the one doing those things 😂😂

It sounds like you feel like all these things you are doing are ‘your jobs’ and so you find it hard to take time out and let him take the reins. That’s a bad habit you really need to try and break. It sounds like he’s happy to be a partner but you need to let him.

This nails it

Seriously though what's wrong with ramen for lunch?

(Now I'm craving tonkotsu at 8am....)

That's some great advice. Thank you

Yes it's hard not to feel bitter but you, and everyone else on MN here, is right I need to prioritise what's important to me first an d then go from there.

I’d be slightly wary of the part of @saphirestones advice that implies you should lower your expectations of your husband’s behaviour.

But yes, prioritise yourself, to a level you feel comfortable with. In the way that your husband does.

@Chalatte

start to prioritise yourself Op. no one else will if you don’t. Stop being a martyr.

also out of interest, what is wrong with ramen for lunch? What would be for lunch if it was up to you?

You being a martyr is the issue.

@Chalatte he should not be booking a session at the gym if it is your day, whether you are going or not! He knows for sure that this is YOUR time, whatever you are doing and it is for your mental health. he is getting more down time than you and he feels he deserves it!

I agree with this to a degree. I have done 4 sessions this week (10km run, 14km run, weights session, Wattbike) despite this being my week off work and doing all the kid stuff (DH is self employed and does the lion’s share usually so he’s catching up a bit whilst I’m off). Yes I’m fucking exhausted. I have a child with SEN, and a mad 4 year old. We’ve done a zoo, playgrounds, play dates, swimming, crafts etc. But I prioritise the exercise because I know it’s what I need. If you were motivated to, you’d make it a priority. I do think that ‘going to the gym’ can be really difficult as it’s extra time traveling, parking, changing etc. Could you get a mat and some kettlebells for home so that you can just get it done whenever is possible? And then do the gym on other days where you feel a bit more able to get out?

I do think the crux of the issue is probably DH not pulling his weight at home. You need to communicate this with him though, not just silently seethe.

I’m interpreting ‘ramen’ as instant noodles? If so just carbs, salt and flavouring and zero nutrition even compared to something basic like a ham sandwich on brown bread, cucumber sticks, crisps and a yoghurt.
(in answer to @LuckySantangelo35 )

It reads to me like you don't really want to go to the gym and will arrange a million things in order to make it impossible. You're then getting annoyed that DH is going and presumably getting in better shape for it while you're not.

If you don't want to go then that's fine by the way. I hate going to the gym!

You need to put your self first more often. You are setting an example the rest of you family will follow.

You husband isn't you and you aren't your husband. You will never be in 100% agreement what and how should be done. Insisting on "my way or highway " is a road to divorce. You need to reach a sensible compromise taking HIS views in the account and then start taking proper care of yourself. As an example, in my house I pick out and fold my clothes out of the laundry pile. The rest stays on the sofa for a few hours, then it shoved into various drawers. My nearest and dearest have long stopped asking me "Where is...?". They know that the answer would be "Search for it. I have things to do". So they don't ask and I have time to go swimming a few times a week

Just tell him to make them a sandwich OP
quick and easy
kids don’t need a full cooked meal at lunch

You need to sit down at the beginning of a holiday and split the tasks up.
Just a side note if you are heading into menopause then it’s more important to go the gym than him. I went into sudden menopause last summer and my OB/gyn advised me to increase my weight training. It’s the only time in my life where I haven’t been a martyr!

I disagree that "we" get ourselves into these messes. On a personal level yes, but there's the much bigger societal issue of why it just happens to be the female sex who have these martyrlike tendencies - could it possibly be being raised in a patriarchy where selflessness is expected of women, and hobbies and downtime are expected of men? We can all make positive changes but the odds are stacked against us from the start.

Sorry but I don’t understand the triggered comment. He’s telling you to prioritise your gym time if it is actually important to you and you feel “triggered” by that suggestion?

Either way. You chose to pack 4 days full of activities for the kids and then got annoyed you didn’t have time / were too tired to go to the gym? So why not do what he suggested? Work out when he is around to watch the kids today and go. It doesn’t have to be a massive drama.

If he’s not pulling his weight at home give him a list of jobs to do while you are there. Put away laundry. Put dirty dishes away. Hoover etc. just be clear around your expectations and you won’t feel disappointed.

But there's no issue with that as a one off in the school holidays - just like there'd be no issue if that's what OP served instead of preparing something more complex.

Not every single meal has to be nutritional and it's okay for kids to have screen time in the holidays - especially if it means the parent has the opportunity to recharge and take a break for a few hours.

Too many women (and it is always women) put a ton of pressure on themselves to curate the perfect balance of wholesome activities and perfectly balanced meals and it just leads to loads of unnecessary stress and fuss.

This all day long. 'You' are just as much of a priority as the rest of the stuff you do and if it's the gym that gives you the time to take care of yourself it is your responsibility to prioritise that no one else.

Absolutely this
If you don't step back he won't step forward.
If he leaves shit, he clears up
Why on earth are you doing it!

I mean instant noodles not the pho variety! It was an example to show that it's always a low effort /low thought meal rather than something more nutritious....

Nothing wrong if it's one in a while but when I leave him with the kids he's always like what do I feed them 🙄