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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be irritated that hubby went for his workout on my designated day? ?

171 replies

Chalatte · 20/02/2025 23:38

Edit: hubby, not hint, can't seem to change title
I and my partner have just started working out semi regularly, and due to our busy schedules he does Mon-weds and I do the remaining 4 days
I don't usually get to do all 4 because there's always a birthday party or social engagement on the day, and sometimes miss all week for reasons like that.

I've got the week off for half term and I've been on top of the laundry and some deep cleaning. I've also done loads of cooking etc plus ensured the kids were off screens for the most part, taking them to local parks etc to keep them active.

This means I've just been exhausted and not been able to go gym the first 3 days
Today I set up a playdate so we had kids over until past 7. I couldn't even think about going coz I've been up and down stairs, In and out dropping the older kid to their play dates, tidying, cooking and cleaning basically all day. Turns out he got a session at the gym in and I was really irritated by this!

Yesterday he suggested "I just take the day off and do something for myself" and I didn't do it knowing fully well I had multiple playdates to coordinate, lunch laundry and tidying. I work a very busy job so this half term has been a rare opportunity for me to do stuff. He's booked himself a gym day and went ahead with it, and honestly I got a little upset by this. Despite him telling me to "take today off" and that"he'd cancel if I booked"

I think there's a deeper underlying issue because this irritated me to no end and I can't articulate why this bothers me so(especially because he even offered to cancel if I were going)! My whole point is I don't want to feel I'm constantly begging him for time that's designated to be for my gym time. He just doesn't seem to get why I'm so annoyed if I wasn't going to go to the gym anyway(I was honestly exhausted after being around the kids all of today).

I think the issue is that i feel he isn't pulling his weight in the house enough and everything he says feels like lip service. If I went out today I know, for instance, that the lunch would have been ramen or if there was proper lunch I'd have to clear up stacks of dishes from the sink and counter, the laundry wouldn't have been done etc, so my"taking time off"would just mean "put off what I'm doing until tomorrow and double the work"😢

To be fair he does some work around the house but feels like it's the bare minimum compared to what needs doing. He'll do the washing but not the folding,leave a pile on the table or bed for days on end. He'll feed the kids but it's ramen or takeout, and the dishes will all be out on the table. Or, he'll engage the kids, but it's going to be with Tv

I understand he works a busy job and has no free time but I am feeling so triggered today in particular, even more so after he so generously told me to"take time off" that I guess I just wanted to vent here and any thoughts on whether I'm being unreasonable will be received with an open mind!

OP posts:
Stripeyanddotty · 20/02/2025 23:40

How many children are you talking about?

Original poster
Chalatte · 20/02/2025 23:41

Stripeyanddotty · 20/02/2025 23:40

How many children are you talking about?

Edited

3, under 10

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 21/02/2025 00:16

What's wrong with ramen for lunch?

CurtainsCurtain · 21/02/2025 00:23

It comes down to you choosing to be a martyr and him choosing not to. I would no more cancel a gym session because of laundry, housework and ‘coordinating multiple playdates’ than I would cancel it to have colonic irrigation. You need to prioritise yourself, not expect your DH to de-prioritise himself to ‘match’ you.

StormingNorman · 21/02/2025 00:31

If you want to go to the gym, go to the gym. He’s more than happy to parent so you can do this. But you choose not to and then get annoyed with him for going.

What mind fuckery is this?

AnotherDayComeMonday · 21/02/2025 00:31

CurtainsCurtain · 21/02/2025 00:23

It comes down to you choosing to be a martyr and him choosing not to. I would no more cancel a gym session because of laundry, housework and ‘coordinating multiple playdates’ than I would cancel it to have colonic irrigation. You need to prioritise yourself, not expect your DH to de-prioritise himself to ‘match’ you.

Are you saying this out of the other end of having young children?

Op, as the saying goes on MN, you have a DH problem. I get it, it's not easy to just "have a day off" when you have to come home to fix a mess of a house. Do you work? Sorry if I missed that in your OP.Wine

CurtainsCurtain · 21/02/2025 00:36

StormingNorman · 21/02/2025 00:31

If you want to go to the gym, go to the gym. He’s more than happy to parent so you can do this. But you choose not to and then get annoyed with him for going.

What mind fuckery is this?

Exactly.

BlondiePortz · 21/02/2025 00:38

CurtainsCurtain · 21/02/2025 00:23

It comes down to you choosing to be a martyr and him choosing not to. I would no more cancel a gym session because of laundry, housework and ‘coordinating multiple playdates’ than I would cancel it to have colonic irrigation. You need to prioritise yourself, not expect your DH to de-prioritise himself to ‘match’ you.

This exactly, you want to do something organise it and do it

WallaceinAnderland · 21/02/2025 00:41

He's only going to the gym on your days because you're not going.

You need to restructure household and childcare responsibilities and prioritise your gym time if that is what is important to you.

CulturalNomad · 21/02/2025 00:46

I get that you have three kids under ten and you are busy. However, you sound determined to make things as hard on yourself as possible. Are all these multiple play dates really necessary? Can't the older children help with lunch cleanup or laundry?

It's hardly the end of the world if your husband feeds them ramen for lunch or lets them watch television so you can take a couple of hours for yourself to go to the gym!

If you need your husband to help out more then tell him that and be specific about what needs to be done. But resenting that he manages to fit in a gym session is unreasonable. Prioritize yourself occasionally and stop with the endless playdates/entertaining other kids in your home.

PeloMom · 21/02/2025 02:35

If it’s important to you to go to the gym, you’ll prioritize that. So what if the kids spend some extra time on screen? Or eat ramen? Or a take out? Or a project around the house doesn’t get done? To me my physical health is a priority and I work out 4-5x a week. If something else isn’t done, I’ll do it a later time 🤷🏻‍♀️

steff13 · 21/02/2025 02:44

You say that you have three kids under 10. A 9-year-old can fold laundry, clear dishes, etc. The younger kids can so stuff as well.

MissedItByThisMuch · 21/02/2025 02:54

So what did you want him to do? He offered to cancel so you could go. Do you require him to martyr himself because you choose to? Why don’t you feed the kids ramen for lunch, or let them have screen time or leave the dishes undone so you’re not too tired to go to the gym too?

ItShouldntHappenToMeYet · 21/02/2025 06:23

Running up and down stairs and all that other shit is as good as a gym workout.
And it's free.
But, yes as others have said, this is your martyrdom.

LinkinSin · 21/02/2025 06:32

you’re asking him to prioritise you in lieu of you prioritising yourself - this is the wrong way round. It’s so so common with mums (me too!). You have to put you first - if you do, he’ll pick up on that and it will become a virtuous circle.

if today is a gym day, leave a note on the fridge with everything that’s happening / needs to get sorted, point to it and GO.

parietal · 21/02/2025 06:41

The more you do all the household stuff and assume he can't, the less he will do.

You've got to step away and let him do stuff his way. Let them eat ramen and watch tv. Maybe he'll surprise you with something better but you've got to let him have a go.

AmusedGoose · 21/02/2025 06:43

You are being unreasonable. Your way isn't the only way. Just because DH does somethings different does not mean he is wrong and you are right. Frankly lighten up. With 3 kids your house will be untidy and there will always be cleaning and laundry.

CaptainFuture · 21/02/2025 06:46

StormingNorman · 21/02/2025 00:31

If you want to go to the gym, go to the gym. He’s more than happy to parent so you can do this. But you choose not to and then get annoyed with him for going.

What mind fuckery is this?

This, you can't him not to go, because you chose not to go?

PhilosophicalCheeseSandwich · 21/02/2025 06:50

If you decide to do something at home and not go to the gym, you can't get pissed off when your husband takes the opportunity. Good for him doing something that makes him happy.

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 21/02/2025 06:52

Why are you regularly missing your scheduled days to take your DC to parties and the such like? Why isn’t your DH doing that on those days? It sounds like you’ve taken on the ‘wife work’ role, because he doesn’t do things to your standard. I get it, I’ve been there myself. Prioritise your exercise and wellbeing, if stuff comes up on your exercise days leave him to it.

Come home to the kitchen in a mess? Ask him to clear it up. Takes his time to clear it up? No-one can get dinner till it’s sorted. But actually, sit down and have an honest chat with him about your feelings, be prepared to compromise, and make a decision to prioritise your exercise time.

Kosenrufugirl · 21/02/2025 06:55

Other posters have said it well- you need stop being a martyr on the alter of Motherhood and Domestic Goddess. Laura Doyle wrote a book called Surrendered Wife. The first thing I did after reading the book was to go to a concert with a friend (because I fancied it and I hadn't done it for ages). Upon my return I was pleasantly surprised that my children were still alive and the house hasn't burned down. It only got better from there

Completelyjo · 21/02/2025 06:57

It really sounds like you don’t want to do things and blame it on tiredness with the kids but you don’t want him to do anything either then!
A lot of this is on you, he’s right, you could easily pick one of the half term days to make it as easy as possible for yourself. Soup or a happy meal for the kids lunch as a one off, the laundry waits until you are both home etc. You are making a martyr out of yourself and blaming your DH, it’s toxic.
Honestly I’ve never seen such a classic example of ‘men don’t want a good wife they want a happy wife’. Overall yeah things need to be tidy buy moaning that sticking on a load of laundry is stopping you from doing anything pleasant or fulfilling with your week is just a drone.

soupyspoon · 21/02/2025 06:58

Theres nothing more depressing than the phrase 'deep clean'.

orlandob · 21/02/2025 07:00

I agree you are being a martyr OP.

Would it be so terrible for your kids to have screen time during half term?

Fairislesweater · 21/02/2025 07:06

I get you OP. It’s difficult to let go, and I think the key thing here is that you feel time off gives you a backlog. I used to have the same issue when it was my turn for a lie in - I’d get up and have to do all the same jobs I would’ve got out of the way earlier if I’d been up. Similarly if he took the children for the day he’d go to his mum’s which would annoy me because I felt like he still wasn’t really doing his bit - MIL would take over so it wasn’t the same as when I had them alone. It meant he never really ‘got’ how hard it was looking after the kids and maintaining the house all at once. I think a lot of that was tiredness making me resentful. Our lives change in ways theirs don’t when we have children.

Honestly - I would tell him this openly - sometimes people need it spelled out. DH did listen to me, and although our children are much older now I do know if I go out/lie in etc I come back/get up to a tidy house. We don’t always parent the same way and that’s ok.

This turned out long but it’s obvious to me it’s not just about the gym, and you need to talk properly otherwise that resentment builds.

edited: sorry, to be clear I would spell out what you are feeling, not your expectations around housework!

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